I was introduced to this wonderful site a few years ago by an older friend of mine who used it to save her marriage. Let me start off by saying that I am not married, but have been with my "spouse" for a little over 6 years now. We have broken up and parted ways (I moved to a different state for some time) but we both felt a part of us was missing and got back together, not long after that we had our first daughter who is now almost 3. The issue I am having is that he leaves. Just leaves, to go drink with his friends and most of the time (85% or more) doesnt call or tell me what is going on. a few times, a very small few, it has been because he was upset with me and I understood, but I still dont think it is an ok way to solve an issue; to just leave and not come home for a night or a few days. Last year from around January to June he was doing drugs, and we fought constantly and he acted totally out of character calling me names etc... He was gone all the time drinking and I thought it was only a drinking issue until I later found it was cocaine. We parted for a few weeks, and I was ok, but numb to everything. Since we moved to a different place in June (which is when he also stopped doing drugs)everything was going really well, he called when he went out, and didnt even really go out all that often (I dont want to tell him he cant go anywhere because I feel that is part of what pushes people apart, I wouldnt like it if he did that to me, but then I never go out anyway) Now since January he has been going out more without calling and saying he will be home but not coming home for a night or few nights. Our daughter is very aware of this and gets upset when he leaves even for work after one of his spurts where he is absent. He hasnt shown any signs of doing drugs, and tells me whats up when he gets home, and I know the people he is with and know they dont do drugs. It seems to be when he gets stressed about things, and I have learned that his mother does the same thing to his step-dad. Last time he left he was upset with me and when he came home after a 2 night stint he said he was trying to prove a point, but missed us very much. that was about 3 weeks ago, and tonight we were to go grocery shopping and do some other things, however when he got here he said he didnt think Id want to because it was going to take a long time and he would be home later, I knew something was up because he gets a certain tone or way of talking when he is up to something so I immediately got my defensive side up. He also told out daughter he would be back in a little bit, that was at 12, at 4:30 his stepdad called him about work tomorrow and he said that he was just going to stay at his buddies house and go to work from their. But tomorrow is the last day of swimming and I have to drive his brother to work before that which is going to be around 8am, so now I have no vehicle. I tried to call before his step dad did from his cell phone and he didnt answer for me. His step dad said he was going to call him back to tell him he had to have the truck here, but beyond that, I am pretty much tired of dealing with it. I am sick of laying in bed wondering if he is coming home or not and wondering what he could be doing, hoping he really isnt doing anything bad (stuff that would tear up our small family, or whatever it is we have.) we have a good relationship, we laugh a lot and have fun together, but he is so unreliable and because of things in the past I am so resentful still and its hard to let go to trust him. 3 weeks ago I talked to him about it and he promised he wasnt going to do this anymore, and if he went out I would know before hand and he would call when he was out to tell us he was ok (he and his friends drive drunk) which I have also talked to him about but I now feel my only option is to somehow find out when he is driving and where to call the police because unless he crashes, I dont think they will stop. Having a family and me saying we need him around, not to mention the horror it could be for someone else should he hit someone doesnt seem to phase hime. I am hanging by a thread and ready to leave. I love him, and will always, and aside from what I have said he is a good man, well a good guy at heart and a caring and loving person, but I dont know how I can be with him if he continues to put us last. I want to talk to him, but I dont want to sound as if I am threatening him "if you do this I will leave with our daughter" that doesnt work. And in reality I dont want to have to do that. I want to be a family, but I dont know how to be if I dont have a reliable spouse. We have been engaged for about 2 1/2 years, but sometimes I regret saying yes because I really couldnt marry him if this is how it will continue for the rest of our lives. We are a young couple, I am 23 and he will be 25 in Sept.
Does anyone have any advice at all? I have read so much on here and on other sites and no one says anything about a spouse leaving and not calling so I am wondering if I am the only person on this planet who has this issue? I cant be, but am I the only sucker who sits here and deals with it and believes the Im sorrys and I love yous??

Sweet heart.. (HUG).

You have to take action. I'm sorry to say that, but it is true. You are in a horrible cycle that is not going to end. You DESERVE more that this. Everyone does. This is not something he is suddenly going to stop doing.
If you can listen for a second and not be afraid of what I'm saying - I'll tell you some things that are screaming out of your post.
Before I do that though, I want to let you know this is not something you've done or some failure on your part. It has nothing to do with who you "are". Everyone has beauty unique to them and you are no different. You deserve respect, love, and kindness.
He is not able to offer that to you. He has a problem and it is not something fixable without serious soul searching on HIS part. This is not a problem you can have an influence over.

You are not married - this shows no honor on his part. He want his freedom - but wants you waiting around. I know,...hard to accept.
He can not have it both ways; "his freedom to leave anytime he wants" and "his ability to come back". YOU deserve a commitment of a man to be there for you. I promise -- you do.

Your child is young, but still learning what a man is. Your baby is looking to you to protect him/her. It is your job to have a man they can model after. Just like daughters grow up to marry men with the same characteristics as their fathers --- boys do the same thing.

I know it seems like you have no options right now. Trapped and can't break free. YOUR NOT. This is not an accusation, but "Why do you feel that he is worthy of you?" "What has made you think your not worth a lovingly faithful man - who will be there during thick and thin?"
That is what you deserve. If all the details you mentioned are clearly true - he is a very selfish person with an unhealthy opinion of other people. His tactics of manipulation are extremely cruel..chipping away at your self esteem. Your self esteem has to be damaged - anyones would.

How big is your external support system?
Is everyone sick of hearing about it?
Could you leave if you needed to????

I want to leave you with one note. You deserve the admiration of a man who thinks you've hung the moon. You deserve a man willing to commit to you for life without reservation. A man who just doesn't offer lip service, but day in and day out commitment. He does not have this ability, he will always love himself above anyone else. He may cry and claim he can live without you, but if that was his real truth - he would have never pulled one of these games.

This is a character issue. Character can not be instilled, it is something that grows inside as a child. Just because you are good friends (when he feels like respecting you) doesn't make a healthy or GOOD relationship.

The very bottom line is that the job to change this situation does not rest in HIS hands. You can make one of two decisions. 1.) Begin to really respect and love yourself (and child) and break away from this cycle. Meaning leave.
2.) Continue as you are with temporary band-aids. He will eventually leave and NOT come back. He will eventually seek a relationship where he doesn't have to take on life responsibilities. He is not the type of man to accept the responsibility or commit to having any type of healthy family. It is going to get harder and worse as the years go by. If you look back you will see how the cycle has increased.

He is risking your family by drunk driving. If he does it with his friends, he does it with your child in the car - even if it only seems like a buzz..it is not o.k.

You want a different life and the only one to create that is you. I'm sorry I have no Good news to offer. The truth is that no matter what adjustments you make --- it will not change.

Big Huggs. ((((HUG))))

Another point is that he has an addiction. Marriage Builders concepts don't work when one partner has an addiction. The addiction has to be addressed FIRST.

Your number one priority right now has to be the drinking. If he is not willing to go to Alanon, you will have to set up a boundary, and be willing to stick to it. Such as no more drinking or you leave. You can come back after you commit to Alanon and have been sober and are going to counseling to get past the drinking.

Consider that this is you saving him. There is no way for him to just wake up and say, gee I've been treating her bad I think I'll stop. Not without you setting up your own boundaries and letting him know that you WILL NOT accept him any more as he is. So save him by accepting nothing less than sobriety and counseling.

My advice would be to give him a month or less to get himself into counseling or you will have to consider breaking the engagement. Explain to him that if his behavior is indicative of what kind of married life you'll have, you don't think it's going to work. It seems radical, but MB won't work if he's addicted to something, as Cat has explained.

Angie, I replied on your other thread, and i hope you're still reading here.

As for the leaving and not calling, lots of people have had that problem. However, it's not addressed much because it's a symptom rather than the root cause. For example, some spouses leave and don't call because they're having an affair. What do you want to fix? The not calling or the having an affair? The affair.

Some do it because they have an addiction. Calling wouldn't make gambling away all the money okay. Fix the addiction and the calling is a moot point.

Some don't bother to call because they know they should be at home spending time with their spouse, but they don't want to. They want to "have fun" out and about. Not calling is a way of avoiding responsibility, facing their spouse's pain and disappointment, and maintaining the fantasy that they can do whatever they want without consequences. Even here, the not calling is symptomatic of a larger problem: a single mindset and behavior, or perhaps, simply a lack of empathy and caring.

The "I love you" and apologies and promises are what it takes to keep you there for him. This is typical of addiction, and FWIW, abuse as well.

Angie, I am sorry you have placed yourself and your child in this terrible mess, but you have to understand that you cannot change your boyfriend. This is one of the biggest mistakes that woman make, they are under the ILLUSION that they can change MEN and they are always disappointed. As you can see. You will not ever be able to change him against his will.

Secondly, this man is not married to you. He is a free agent who has no committment to you. He has a LEGAL and MORAL obligation to his child, and I would make sure he fulfills his legal obligation, but he has no committment to you. He is a free agent.

It makes me sad to see young women who so foolishly put themselves into these situations by shacking up with men. It usually happens that the woman is extremely emotionally invested and the man is just there until something better comes along. Shack up situations, by nature, are always RENTERS AGREEMENTS, not BUYERS agreement and the participants treat them as such. Easy come, easy go.

It is a terrible mistake for a young woman to shack up in the first place and even a greater mistake to have children in these situations. You can see why. You boyfriend has no sense of commitment. And maybe its fortunate you didnt marry him, because he would be a DREADFUL choice for a husband and a father. Being married to an addict would damn you to a life of he11 and not be fair to your child.

I hope you give up on this mess, live with your parents, and learn to make better choices in the future.

Dr. Harley has a pretty good article about why it is a bad idea to live together: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html