You and ILMH need some fun.
Yep!
The death was not just of trust or of the way things once were. The death was the death of what you once beileved was true and the way you thought they were.
The life you thought you had was not real. There was no "happily ever after" that was ensured by the wedding. The Hollywood "ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after" was merely a movie script and wasn't your marriage after all.
The question is now, "What will you do to write a real ending to your story?"
You trusted her blindly with no reason to do so. The trust wasn't earned and so giving it was it's downfall. What can she do to earn back your earned trust?
You believed she would never allow herself to be swayed and led astray because you bought into the Hollywood script, that marriage is automatic and love is a magical thing that is stronger than life. Now that you know love is something that needs to be built, rebuilt and maintained, how will you rebuild that love into one stronger than before?
Your wife too assumed too much about love and marriage and commitment. She thought it was like in the movies, that it was something that just happened and required no protection. It resulted in her being proven to be human and less than perfect. How can she protect her own feelings from being led down that road once more?
You're in a finacial hole. How can you climb out of that hole? You can't dig yourself out of it, because digging only makes the hole deeper. What can you do to climb out and fill it in?
You're in an emotional hole. You can't dig out of that one either. It too must be climbed out of and filled with something or you'll just fall back into it as soon as you think you are free.
TTH, I also see something here to consider. When you tried to debate/educate/correct the thinking of a WW, you got sucked back into your own world of pain. It reminded you of all the things that came before. The lies, the deception, the cheating, the stealing...
It all flooded back and made you wonder just what the he77 you were doing and why you would bother.
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this..."
and the doctor says...
"Then don't do this..."
But just as we told you when you arrived that a WW is lost in the fog, you have to realize that once the fog is gone, or at least begins to clear, the FWS is no longer even that person who did those things. That was the WS, and just as we try to tell newbies that their spouse has been abducted by aliens and replaced with an evil clone, that clone is now dead and your real wife is returning to you.
Make the most of THAT fact and the fact that she wants so badly to undo what she has done. But it isn't in her power to go back and not do what has already happened. All she can do now is to show you that she has returned to you for real. And all you can do is what is in your power to change what is to happen next. You can't change what was, or even what is. You only have power over what will be. Use THAT power...
How can your wife make you feel loved and in love with her?
The same way you can make her feel loved and in love with you...
By filling each other's love banks to overflowing...
And how do you do that? By meeting each other's ENs repeatedly and avoiding love busters long enough for it to build back up.
And how do you accomplish this? By spending time together, meeting each other's ENs and doing all you can to keep away those things that destroy your love for each other.
Already used this analogy today a time or two.
You can put a roof on the house, replace windows and doors, fix up the kitchen and redo the bathrooms, but if the foundation fails, the house will fall and no amount of paint or lumber or plumbing fixtures will save it. The foundation of your marriage is your love for each other. You have to rebuild
THAT FIRST!If you keep ttrying to fix everything that is wrong with the marriage and do nothing to rebuild the love, trust will not matter, because the marriage will end. Either you will lose hope completely because there will alsways be something that needs fixing, or she will lose hope and quit trying, leaving her vulnerable once again.
You can paint over the cracks and they will return. You can rebild the walls and they will still fall if you don't shore up the house before you begin.
At the current rate, your house will fall down in 6 months!
FIX THE FOUNDATION FIRST! It's what makes Marriage Builders better than all the rest! It is what Dr Harley himself says makes his way different and more successful than others.
Recovery takes at least a couple of years. That is two years of doing the MB stuff, not two years of searching for some magic bullet that will make you feel OK and her suddenly saying something that will make you feel OK. The longer you struggle with looking, the longer until you feel OK.
BUILD YOU LOVE BANKS AND FILL THEM UP!
Focus on each other and doing for each other and fix what you can in your spare time.
You keep asking why...
I keep asking, what will you do now?
If you look deep inside, you can identify what your part in the marriage being vulnerable to an affair was. FIX THAT! That was supposed to happen as part of Plan A.
If you keep looking for what you could have done differently, you will miss the chance to do what you need to do now.
FIX THE FOUNDATION FIRST!
I'm all out of dimensional lumber, 2 by, 4 by and 6 by are all used up...
Don't make me come and choke you in person...
Or send Not. She has a mean right cross, from what I gather...
Mark
