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I am very new to this board and its my first posting so please bear with me I don’t know all the lingo yet. My Dear H and I have been married for 14 years and have 3 kids 11,9 and 7.Over the years our lives progressed and we followed the normal ups and downs of any relationship but as I learned now, my husband felt some what neglected and uncared for as I gave less and less to him and felt more like a task master than a source of joy. So he felt more and more unhappy and I was unable to see his unhappiness because I felt I was giving and loving while dealing with my own frustrations in life of having given up a career to raise kids( I quite after the 2nd) , and lead what i thought was a normal progression of life. Two months ago my hubby went on a business trip and came back changed and I suspected that he was having an A. After weeks of denying the signs to myself , I finally question him directly on it and he admitted to having found some one while he was away and that she came to visit him here and they have been in constant contact for the last 3 weeks . As you can envision my life came crashing down . He had decided that he was ready to leave the life he had with me and try a new life with this new source of joy and understanding that he had found . . What I knew immediately in the aftermath of the pain and fog was that I love my husband and I did not want to loose what we had and thru the tears and pain was able to communicate that to him. So we talked , I cried and after 2 days of marathon communications , my hubby decided that he was willing to give our relationship another go and terminated his relationship and I am assuming all contact with OW. Since then we have been speaking, crying, sharing and trying to work on what ever this new US will be . There are many good days and there are many bad days. What I need some help in moving forward is how do you deal with the pain and the grief and simultaneously work on healing me and us. My Hubby is what you would call a “good guy’ and has been supportive of my questions and need to know and dwell on what happened but every time the thoughts of the A surface or I deal with the issues of the A I feel like I am moving backwards not forward. So I would appreciate any advise on how best to deal with this and move forward at the same time . Especially if you have already been where I am and can offer any advise on what helped and what hurt.
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wmf,
This is the very early days following what is called d-day in your life and marriage.
You will be experiencing up and down emotions, and the crying is normal.
The recovery of your marriage and "moving forward" may take up to two years, so please know that this isn't an easy thing to get over. There is a lot of work for both of you to do.
Your husband needs to write a no-contact letter to the other woman (OW), and allow you to read it and approve it. Then, YOU mail it to her, so you can be sure that it is sent.
He needs to give you passwords to all email accounts that he has, and open access to all cellphones, including work email and cellphones. He needs to be very open with you about where he is at all times, and you should be able to get in touch with him at any time you desire. His schedule should be open to you - in other words, his life should be an open book.
If he complains that he needs his privacy and you do not trust him, then tell him that he has broken trust, and that the only way to save the marriage is for openness about his time and life to be there - which means that there are no secrets.
He must have the truthfulness and openness and honesty to answer any and all questions you ask about the affair. No question you have should go unanswered. There should be no secrets between him and the OW. This is to ensure that you know what you need to know, and to break any trust or sense of connection between the two of them.
Do not blame yourself for his decision to have an affair, or for his affair. HE IS 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR.
The affair is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about him - you must understand that, while you want to believe that you have all sorts of control over him - you are NOT THAT POWERFUL. He made this stupid and hurtful decision, and if you had any vote in the matter, you would have voted NO! Remember that. The affair was not about you.
The marriage likely did have its problems leading up to the affair. You are BOTH responsible for those problems. Identify them - look at this website, for the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Both of you need to take the questionnaire. Take a look at his ENQ, and go to work meeting his top 3 EN's.
Read up on Plan A. Go to work on that as well.
Order the books "Surviving an Affair", and "After the Affair". I found both of them very helpful.
Do not blame yourself for his affair. That is on him. He could have talked to you. He could have asked you to join him in marital coaching. He could have read a book about marital issues. He could have asked you to look at some marriage materials with him. He could have used the Internet to find answers for the marital issues he thought existed. Instead, he went outside the marriage. That is on him. Please remember that the decision to have the affair was not yours, and that you didn't "make him have an affair" or "drive him to have an affair".
I'm glad he is willing to try to work things out. If you have the money for counseling, the Harleys who run this website are reportedly some of the best in the business. They are probably worth talking to.
Hang around and keep posting. The vets will be along to help you.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Thanks schoolbus Your husband needs to write a no-contact letter to the other woman (OW), and allow you to read it and approve it. Then, YOU mail it to her, so you can be sure that it is sent. Dh has already closed communictaions with OW via phone call( I was not present ) . She lives internationally. I want to trust him enough to know that he cant be in 2 boats at the same time so I am sure that is NC right now. He must have the truthfulness and openness and honesty to answer any and all questions you ask about the affair. No question you have should go unanswered. There should be no secrets between him and the OW. This is to ensure that you know what you need to know, and to break any trust or sense of connection between the two of them. He is open and willing to answer all the questions I have truthfully. I am not sure is he saved all his email correspondence ( he used an alternate disposable email address)and I am afraid the deeper I probe into the deatils of their conversations the more pain and hurt it will cause. trighat now I am currently focusing on the fact that he was at a point of being emotionally detached from US and now I am focussing on reconnecting "us" , and gathering more deatils about "them" can only hurt not help "US". Do not blame yourself for his decision to have an affair, or for his affair. HE IS 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR. This is a tough one because I know that I was not giving him the best me there was to give , so current plan is be a better me so I can offer the best me. If that does not work for us or is not good enough then I can accept the 100% not my role in me not playing a factor in "us" being where we are today. He did try to talk to me and say that his ENs were not being met but I did not accept his words beacuse I was loving and giving the best I knew or could to the relationship.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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He will try to blame shift, and tell you that he had the affair because you didn't meet his needs.
That is crap.
He had the affair because he CHOSE to have the affair.
He could have chosen otherwise.
You see, having one's needs met or not met within the marriage may be at issue. However, the way to solve the problem is NOT to have an affair. The way to solve the problem is to have an adult discussion, go to counseling, read marital-related materials, etc. Having an affair will not solve marital problems - it CAUSES MARITAL PROBLEMS. DUH.
One of the things I asked my husband was:
Do you believe that if you spent the time with me - instead of with her - seducing me, having dinner with me, talking with me, telling me your problems, telling me what you needed, desired, wanted, thought about, that we would be having marital problems??????
His answer was "NO".
The reason is this: The time he was spending seducing her, talking to her, befriending her - all that time spent could have been spent improving the relationship with YOU. It could have and should have been spent working on the problems with you and your marriage, telling you about what he needed, meeting YOUR NEEDS, and in return meeting HIS NEEDS.
That time is golden to a marriage, and he squandered it on someone else.
Wasted.
He wasted his efforts of thought, emotion, time, in the wrong direction. Had he spent that effort in the direction of his wife, it would have paid off ten times over, because you would have loved the opportunity to be his girlfriend, wouldn't you? To have been romanced, talked to about his innermost feelings, told what you needed to improve on to be his best wife ever? Sure, if done in the most loving way possible, you bet you would have.
Now, you have that opportunity. Do the ENQ together. You do yours, he does his. Then, swap them and talk about them. You will both be very surprised.
And by the way, talking about the affair will not make things worse. What will make things worse is NOT talking about it. It will not go away by ignoring it. That is about the single worst mistake you can make. If you don't talk about it, this will not be dealt with properly, and your marriage will be doomed to face it again. You two need to have open communication about this event, and be able to talk about what happened - to talk it through, until you both are comfortably done talking about it.
It isn't a good idea to have marathon talks every day, no. But you also cannot just "ignore it and it will go away" either.
You will be having a lot of work to do. Please, read the topics and advice on the links on the right side of this webpage - - > so you can have better understanding of what to do.
Read, read, read.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Thanks for all the info and advise you are giving me. I guess I am struggling with the not blaming myself for causing him to look elsewhere issue. Was I really paying attention to his ENs? Accordint to my H he was telling me for about the last year or so that his ENs were not being met and I was not responding or changing my actions to meet them. Obviously I dont see it the same way cause I think our relationship was not as connected as it was when we first met and 14 years have passed but I also dont think that we were so detached that he needed to look elsewhere. So the internal struggle of trying convince my self that it is not my fault continues.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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wtmf,
First of all, please look up Plan A, and be sure you are doing all that you can.
You cannot preach to him right now. He is likely in withdrawals from his OW. But, for your own education, I offer the following:
I completely understand why you feel that you are to blame for your husband's affair.
I felt the same way at first. Ultimately, though, you need to understand that he had many other choices besides going outside the marriage. He did, and you know that. You are thinking emotionally right now, and sooner or later you will think logically.
There's so much going on. You see yourself and your faults. The many times he wanted sex and you told him "no". The times when you didn't put on make-up or dress nicely, or when you were griping about this or that. When you didn't want to go out, or when he wanted to do one thing and you complained about wanting to do something different. You are looking at all of the wrong things you did, and focusing on what he is saying as all of the reasons for his "having to have an affair".
Well, he is WRONG.
He didn't "have" to have an affair.
He had options. While it may be true that he had tried to tell you about his emotional needs not being met, that did NOT give him permission to seek sexual or emotional support outside the marriage.
Not having your needs met is NOT a free pass to have an affair.
If that were the case, NO MARRIAGE WOULD BE AFFAIR-FREE.
Can you see that?
Gee, honey, you weren't able to meet my sexual needs this week due to your recent brain surgery, so I had an affair.
Gee, honey, you were emotionally unavailable to me due to your business trip the past two weeks, so I had an affair.
Sorry, honey, you have been deployed to Iraq and unable to meet my needs for a year, so I have had an affair while you're gone serving our nation's security.
That excuse of "not meeting my emotional needs" is NOT A FREE PASS TO AFFAIR-LAND. There is no free pass to affair-land. Sorry, doesn't work.
No excuse. No justification. Do you see this?
You are not to blame for his decision to have sex with another woman. PERIOD. He made that decision without your input. He acted completely independently, and trying to blame you is
chicken-sh---.
He needs to own his own behavior, because to try to blame you is NOT going to work in moving the relationship forward.
HE OWNS THE AFFAIR.
You can own what you are supposed to own, that's fine.
HE OWNS THE AFFAIR.
Any attempt on anyone's part to push the affair onto YOU is wrong wrong wrong.
The affair is not about you. This is a difficult concept to understand, and I hope that you will come to understand it soon. Once I came to grips with this concept, everything else got much easier for me emotionally.
The affair is about the person having the affair. Nothing else.
Let's look at that in depth.
The affair is about the person having the affair.
The person having the affair - in this case, your husband.
He had the affair - NOT YOU.
How then, can YOU have controlled it?
You didn't. You had NO POWER IN IT. No decision making power in it. No voice in it. No control over it. No knowledge of it. No part in it. No participation in it. No speaking role in it. No emotional role in it (until now). You didn't send emails. You placed no phone calls. You sent no messages. You sent no gifts. You received no gifts. You traveled to no restaurants or bars. You did not go to anyone's home. You kissed no one, touched no one, etc......
You controlled nothing in that relationship, and had no controlling power in it.
How then, can you be held responsible for any part of it?
You cannot. Because the relationship had nothing to do with you.
You are not, and were not, a part of that relationship.
It was secret and apart from you, because:
IT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU.
In fact, it was so much NOT about you, that it was kept separated from you as completely as possible, wasn't it?
The affair is, and was, about the person in the affair.
Sure, emotional needs has something to do with it. Let's talk about that part of it.
There is something to the idea that emotional needs are not being met, so the affairee goes outside the marriage to have them met.
That is NOT the only choice. They do not HAVE to do that.
The affairee makes a terrible choice to do that.
Marriage Builders is all about methods to go about building marriages so that affairs do not happen in the first place.
But the methods can work to repair marriages after affairs, just the same.
It is hard work, though.
One of the things that will be difficult for you is that you will have to begin meeting his needs, even though he will likely be in withdrawal from his OW. This means that he will still be comparing you with her and missing her, although he is with you. You see, it's going to be hard for awhile - this means that he will say stupid stuff like "I had to have an affair because you didn't meet my needs". He will have difficulty owning his share of the problems, and during withdrawal time he will not be saying negative things about the OW. He won't see her faults, etc. He will see yours! That's why you need to be in Plan A, and avoid lovebusting.
This is going to be very hard. But if you stick to it, you can do it. But in the meantime, you need to concentrate on not accepting the blame for his affair. Know in your heart that it isn't your fault. There will come a time, in the future, where he will see this. Not now, but in the future. For now, you won't be able to convince him of much of anything. From what I understand, if he stays away from her and doesn't contact her, it will take about a month or two before he starts being more himself again.
Someone who had to go through a more emotionally based affair with withdrawal can better advise you on this. I didn't have to do this myself.
Please, order Surviving an Affair, and look online for After the Affair. They are very good books, and will help you a lot. You need them. Also, read this website's advice. It helped me so much.
I also read many threads on here. Some of the members give good advice, others are not so helpful. I tended to look at those who gave advice consistent with Marriage Builders concepts and followed their advice. Familiarize yourself with the basic concepts, because they WORK. I was at one point wondering if my marriage would make it through, and I stuck with it.
We are recovered.
Today is our 33rd anniversary.
Going strong.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Wow I am reading and rereading all the stuff you wrote and I wanted to post a quick note to say Thanks cause you probably dont realize the impact its having in terms of helping me. It will take time for it all to sink in but I belive I am in the transition of changing from thinking emotinllay to thinkiking logically about this. In the meantime this is exactly where i am One of the things that will be difficult for you is that you will have to begin meeting his needs, even though he will likely be in withdrawal from his OW. This means that he will still be comparing you with her and missing her, although he is with you. You see, it's going to be hard for awhile - this means that he will say stupid stuff like "I had to have an affair because you didn't meet my needs". He will have difficulty owning his share of the problems, and during withdrawal time he will not be saying negative things about the OW. He won't see her faults, etc. He will see yours! That's why you need to be in Plan A, and avoid lovebusting. I am attemping at meeting his needs because I can and I want to and yet I hve to keep reminding my self that he cant TEMPORARILY meet mine because he has his own sturggles about greiving from the loss of what he had to give up to be here. I will read up more on Plan A and get the books u recomend. Thanks I really appreciate your input. Its hard work and a difficult path but I want to walk it and it hepls to have some where to turn to while you try to help yourself.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Congrats on your recovery and your aniversary. It provides so much hope to me. Any way I orderd How to survive an affair and I waitign for that. IN the menwhile I picked up his needs her needs and have been reading that and it seems to bring insite into a lot of things. Read up on Plan A. Go to work on that as well. From what I understand of plan A I think I am past that phase as my H terminated all contact with OW immediately after our first marathon session the night we first talked. Now I think I am stuck in the "he is in withdrawls" from his relationship phase. Since he abruptly ended communictaion with her, he still regards her as she can do no wrong and is completely and uttery bettern than everyone , was willign to give him so much inspite of the pain he caused her. She was/ is avaiable and singe so he feels tremendous pain for showing her hope in her own life and then letting her life line go. Whiel simultaneoulsy feeling the pain of all the wonderful warth that he was getting from her and now having lost all that. Doubled with how hard it is to face the consequnce of dealing iwth his actions and having to talk to me instead of being able to escape to the easy of not dealing with it. I know I cant help him or preach to him to recover I just dont know how to continue to watch him suffer and work thru it while puttign aside my own need for him to heal so we can move forward. Any advise on what I can do or more importanly not do in this difficult for me to get thru phase ( asuuming its a phase) and not give up cause its really really hard to think about his pain when I have so much of my own.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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I just wanted to add an update. I signed up for a counseling session (joint) with Harleys. I belive we will be speaking with Jennifer next week. Can anyone who has done that let me know what to expect in the 1st sesion. I am a little worried about the session as I have never been in any counseling before and not sure how the call will go. Do we spend most of the 1st call sharing our info ??? Any advise will help as I am nervous and unsure of what to expect and how it can hlep more so cause its not a face to face session.
In the meantime ups and down continue we are talking a lot and hubby and I had a marathon session of information sharing. He gave me tons ( I mean tons) of painful details regaring the time he was with OW and I tried to be calm and have the discussion with out any pentaly or further reprecussions to H but I am having a tough time keeping the information from dragging me down. Trying to not have to go for numbing drugs and not crawl into a hole and abandon my kids needs is pretty challening . So here I am, venting and hoping it will help.
I thought that knowing everying is better than not knowing but now the details are swarming in my head and I am not so sure it was the right move to have all that info given to me.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Bumping - cause I could really use some help here , having kinda hard day today dealing with not crumbling and keeping it together .
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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WMF ~
My thoughts are with you. I don't feel I can offer much for support with words of wisdom but know that you are doing the best you can do.
I've had sessions with Jennifer. She is really great and will provide you with lots of useful information and guide you well. If you haven't received it yet, you will recieve a link for a love questionnaire (sorry don't recall the title) but it is a quick little survey to help her gauge where things are at. Are both of you going to do the phone session or is it just you this time (both are helpful)?
I was going to ask if you access to email but duh - you wouldn't be here if you didn't. I would send an email to the MB address and put "Session with Jennifer" in the subject line. Then ask that this email be forward to Jennifer for your appt on July XX. After that give some back ground (brief but enough detail to cover what needs to be said - I had a teacher once say that your writing should be like a womens skirt, long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep in interesting - not PC but funny and true) regaring you, your husband and your marriage. This will help get some of the background information out of the way before the phone session and allow more time to focus on the future instead of filling her in on the past. (My background email was probably 2 paragraphs of this size.)
Trust me, people far more enlightened here than me will respond. I just wanted you to know that someone was here and I could help with the Jennifer session backgroun a little.
Take care.
FWW - 32 FBH - 34 M - Nov 1999 Currently - together and looking at our loving future
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wmf, I'm no expert in withdrawal stuff, but I will do the best I can to help you out. Your behavior at this point needs to be upbeat and supportive for him, so that he can understand that you can accept him back into the marriage and forgive him. He has to know with certainty that there is a way forward, and that this affair will not haunt his life or be held over his head forever. This is very important. While you are hurt and going nuts, he also has his pain. I know this is difficult to balance, but it is a critical point in the recovery process for both of you to work through. The BS often feels like their feelings are on the back burner at this point - and in truth, they are. It will take 3-4 weeks for this to play through, if true no contact is maintained. Hang in there. He will slowly but surely come through this, and begin to realize that home is okay, home is the best decision - that is, if he consistently sees you with a supportive and accepting attitude, and you avoid love busting. I swear, sometimes you think you will be nominated for sainthood after this process! Things you can do: avoid putting down the OW listen to him use the Plan A skills - don't stop! meet his EN's be honest with him, but avoid LB's at the same time avoid long relationship talks, try to limit the length of them make sure your appearance is nice, hair clean and done, make-up on, etc. keep the house clean, etc. get your 15 hours a week in together of RELAXING time touch him do some fun things and talk about little happy things with him don't fall into the trap of "all affair all the time" compliment him tell him you appreciate his honesty when he does tell the truth about his feelings and the affair with you thank him when he tells you about things that could be improved in the marriage ask his opinions about things around the house - just little things, like the garden, or decorating, whatever You get the idea - get him involved again in the family, and in everyday events. It doesn't have to be always about the affair. Try to put the wheels back on the cart a little bit at a time. Take the kids to McDonald's and let them play on the playscape, or just go to the park. Try to uncomplicate things for him, so that he does not have to "think" about anything. Don't ask about everything at one sitting - and tell him that instead of marathon talks you would rather just have 30 minute talks on one topic. You two need to POJA about how you're going to talk about the relationship, the affair, and the problems, and when you're going to talk. The marathons are not a good way to address one another, and they can lead to problems down the road. If you POJA an approach, and schedule the time and limit the talks to one topic and a time of say, 30 minutes, it is much more safe feeling for guys. That way you don't wear out each other, and belive it or not, you won't get all upset. Write your questions down ahead of time, and then look them over two or three times. Eliminate the questions that really are not that important. Stick to the 30 minute time limit. Schedule the "talks", and then let it go! Just say, "Time's up" when time is up, thank him, and then say, "Let's watch a video, because this stuff is just so hard on both of us. I'd much rather cuddle, wouldn't you???", or something else. You both need to learn how to talk this out so it is productive and less emotionally wearing. It is going to take many months, so the sooner you both learn how to talk on one thing at a time, think awhile, and come back to the table later, the better. You need to POJA how the talks should go - my way is a suggested starting point. Talk to him about the idea and see what he thinks about limiting the marathons. I did this with my H and our talks were exceedingly less emotional and we had a much better communication between the two of us. It wasn't long before my H was much more comfortable just sitting and talking with me about almost anything. Prior to "the rules", he just clammed up and almost refused to discuss anything! I'm glad you're getting the Harleys in on your case. I've heard great things about them. In the meantime, try also to focus on improving on the things your H has indicated he found lacking in the marriage prior to the affair. The changes in this case should probably be considered permanent, and your thoughts need to really be homed in on what he has said to you about what the major problems were. You have probably also identified major problems and have already determined what you need to work on. He will be watching your behavior in this regard, and you will need to be sure that you SHOW him that you are making efforts at changing the marriage, and the only way to do that is through ACTION. For example, my H complained that my weight bothered him. I lost 56 pounds. The first 12 came quite rapidly, and he expressed concern - I told him that I planned to make changes, and the only way he could be certain that those changes were made would be if he SAW changes. He didn't believe the weight would stay off.....it kept coming off and two and half years later is still off. Another example was that he said he felt like I "controlled" him. I asked for very specific examples so that I understood what he considered controlling behavior so I could avoid it. Just this weekend, my BIL was sitting on a barstool next to me, and fell asleep. I left him alone. My H asked me why I didn't wake up my BIL and tell him to go to bed??? I said, "I didn't want to be seen as controlling. I have been told that telling other people what to do is controlling, so I don't tell anybody what to do!" Later, my H said, "You can tell someone to go to bed if they're going to fall off a barstool! You've NEVER been controlling! I was just being an a$$ and when I said you were controlling, I said that because I wanted to hurt you. I take it back, and in the future, wake the poor guy up!!!!" ![crazy crazy](/ubbt/images/graemlins/default/crazy.gif) He probably meant something in the middle - like I bugged him sometimes, and he didn't like it. So, like I said, your H will say stupid stuff when he is in this phase, so don't take it all the way to the bank. But at the same time, you kind of have to go with it, because he's watching to see if you will try to work with him and work on the marriage. It's a catch-22. I'm trying to help you as much as I can! Sorry my posts are so long. I'm hoping some of the vets will come along and kick in here! SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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hoping some of the vets will come along ditto - and bump up
FWW - 32 FBH - 34 M - Nov 1999 Currently - together and looking at our loving future
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I wanted to add that for some BS's, the details are not a good thing. For me, I wanted every single detail.
Maybe it isn't such a good idea for you. Might be better if your conversations were arranged so that you were allowed to ask him for details as you needed them, instead of his just telling them all to you (if that's what he's doing). Or, it might be a good idea for you to really think about the details you want to know and wait on it, give it some time to gel, and then ask the major questions only.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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I would send an email to the MB address and put "Session with Jennifer" in the subject line. Then ask that this email be forward to Jennifer for your appt on July XX. After that give some back ground (brief but enough detail to cover what needs to be said Thanks Jlr1120 I will send out an info email today to provide some background info that might help with the phone call . That seems like a good idea .
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Schoolbus Thanks for your post it has so much info in it that everytime I re read it I see somethign new that I missed before. The BS often feels like their feelings are on the back burner at this point - and in truth, they are. Sometimes its a hard struggle to stay motivated to give when not enough is coming back. So whan I feel that way I have to remove myself from the expecation that my H will help me along and find my own fuel to keep on going ang giving. So thanks for lettign me know that its normal to feel on the short end of the stick for a while and to not load up the expecations at his end for now. And then there are some great moments where my H does things to make me feel like on top of the world , when I see he makes the effort and attention to what it is that I need. In those moments it almost seems like may be I/we am/are on the right path and will actually make it thru this dark tunnel. Its a rollercoaster and dependning on when I do a stauts check I could be on the roller coaster on the way up or down . I am looking for the happiness needle to settle on some steady scale so I can gauge where we will end up.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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That status needle can move on the hour!!!! ![laugh laugh](/ubbt/images/graemlins/default/laugh.gif) You know, when I was in the early days, I thought I would run out of giving. There was a point when I did a Plan FU, and told my FWH that if he didn't start doing his share of the lifting that I was leaving. I just ran out of steam. You go through these phases where you think you just cannot go on. But you can, really. You just don't want to work anymore. You think, "Love isn't supposed to be this hard!" Truth is, love isn't that hard. It's the marriage part that is so hard. My daughter once told me that "love is unconditional". I told her that I didn't know about that. I told her that I wanted to rewrite that phrase a little bit. Love MIGHT be unconditional, but RELATIONSHIPS ARE conditional. And the fact is that after an affair, the truth of that comes crashing in. We've been told all our lives that love is unconditional - so we expect that marriage will come naturally if we love somebody. So it just slaps us right upside the head when marriage turns out to be work! It isn't easy living with that guy/girl, even though you are in love! And if they have an affair, all our other beliefs - well - talk about being slapped upside the head. They go right out the window, too. I believed I wouldn't stay if my FWH had another affair, yet here I am. This time, however, I know things are going differently. The recovery process is much different, and we are talking much differently about the whole ordeal. MB and the guidelines has made the difference. I also think that reading here about the different stories has helped, because I knew what to expect next. I knew that at 6 months I would hit an anger phase; that I would have triggering moments throughout; that the recovery would take about two years once we both started really working on the marriage; that at 12 months I would have another anger phase; that I needed work on my approach to meeting EN's and so did he; etc. The concepts helped. It was getting FWH on board that seemed to be the hard part. Still is, in some ways. He's reticent still to talk about some things, although willing to take action if a plan makes sense. Fortunately, the MB plans make sense to him, and so when I talk about them, he buys in. Hang in there. I hope you have ordered some books (Surviving an Affair, After the Affair, Not Just Friends - these are a few good ones!). Read here, and post! SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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I believed I wouldn't stay if my FWH had another affair, yet here I am.
This time, however, I know things are going differently. The recovery process is much different, and we are talking much differently about the whole ordeal. MB and the guidelines has made the difference. SB I cant imagine what its like to go thru this again. My immediate thought is that now that I am aware and alert to his needs and I am working at fulfilling them I dont think I would make the same choice of wanting to have another go at it. Then again I didnt belive that My H could do that nor if he did that I would stay with him. So I never say never now but I cant imagine finding the strenght and courage to do it again. Your H is a lucky man to have you and I hope he makes you happy. I am working on letting the triggers go and not allowing them to swallow me. Recoganizing when I am too tired to deal with things and just letting them go for a while. I am in the anger / hurt and happiness phase at the same time. Sometimes I am so hurt and other times I am so happy its just insane . When I feel happy its when its the scariest because I dont understand how thats possible without some form of denial. I dont know when and if its normal to feel happy in between all this craziness. One thing I know I am a better and different me, I take more notice of me and my needs and my actions which allows be to define better what woudl make me happy and then when that happens I allow myself to enjoy the moment. Also I pay closer attention to what makes my H happy and when I achieve that its a nice feeling.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Order the books "Surviving an Affair", and "After the Affair". I found both of them very helpful. SB I just wanted to add that I received surviving an affair this morning and I have been reading it non stop. Seems like I am crying and learning at the same time. Some pages are hard to get through as they bring back the memory of the pain and others show exactly how I am feeling and its hard to let go. I can see how the plan could potentailly work but at the same time its ironic that its a hard path to follow and double hard beacuse of the weakened spirit due to the pain of the A. But I'll keep reading ( I am half way done) and take hope in all the success stories out here to let me keep beliving that it can be done.
FBW(me)- 45 FWH- 53 D-day 4/29/08 Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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wmf,
I'm glad you got the books. You are really in the very early points after d-day, and that rollercoaster is a tough ride.
I cried for a long time after I found out. It seemed like things would level out, and then I would find myself back on the downhill slide.
At six months after d-day, I was really angry. I wanted so much more work from him, and was pretty resentful of him.
I had a monkey wrench in the works, too. He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer about 14 days after d-day. This added to the stress level, because the only thing I could think of was that his OW was going to be his last sexual memory, and that he wasn't going to be able to have sex again due to the cancer.
I was plenty angry, hurt, confused, and really had to get myself on the fast track to recovery. I did that, and pushed through things that I don't think others really had to push through.
So at six months, I had an anger phase that included anger at the cancer, too. Not only the affair, but a general feeling of being robbed of so very much of life. It was UNFAIR. I had a wonderful pity party. Lasted awhile, too.
Poor pitiful me.
I did a nice little Plan FU with the man at one point, which helped motivate him into some action on the marriage. I Plan FU'd myself, too.
I put lots of effort into looking at forgiveness, and focused on how that released anger. It does. That helped a great deal.
FWH and I did do a lot of work on the MB plan, and I pretty much pushed him ahead in his personal cancer recovery - he went through depression from the cancer and from his affair behavior and guilt from his stupidity. Together we are pulling back together as one again.
He is recovered, and I'm happy to say there is sex after prostate removal. Most people don't believe that, but the new surgery spares nerves and leaves things "working". So the OW isn't his last, not by a long shot! That in itself made a lot of difference for us.
It is work, I won't lie to you. But ultimately you can put things back together. Your husband has to be involved to make it really work.
How much is he on board?
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support. Recovered. Happy. Most recent D-day Fall 2005 Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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