Do you think she's really going to get an RO?

It will take time to do this if she even can. To get it really, really fast, her life would have to be in danger, IMO.

I might be wrong but even if she does I don't see it happening before the holiday.

Charlotte

BH,


What grounds is she going to use for the RO? She can't really go in and say, "I would like to get a RO against my husband because I am having an A and he wants to break it up."

My guess is she is only threatening you hoping you will back down. Don't back down.

Good job exposing, keep it up.

LC

Yes, you should be worried about this.

You can be arrested for harassment or disorderly conduct on the spot.

Dr. Harley gave you good advice. Take it and let this "woman" go. Your behavior is borderline obsessive....and criminal.

You do not deserve this.

Just because someone on this thread is still married in a similar situation as yours does not mean that they should be...or that your situation will work out well. Dr. Harley has seen thousands of these things...and when a man whose job it is to save marriages tells you to walk away...you should pay attention.

Getting on that plane will most likely be one of the biggest mistakes of your young life. You very well could wind up in jail. And for what.

harassment.

she could have a temporary order issued as soon as Monday.

It was a great sermon and I'm so glad you went. How did you like the music? I thought of you and prayed for you while I was there at noon.

Interestingly, my wife and I were just discussing a part of the sermon which we are going to email the pastor with a follow up question.

When he told the story about how his sister-in-law abandoned his brother and nephew in Texas to pursue a man she met on the internet in Chicago and how he called the presumably still wayward wife and forgave her....we want to inquire about forgiveness without repentence. Forgiveness without his sister-in-law even abandoning her continuing sin. We have concerns about what he thinks about church discipline...as a pastor, how could he discipline someone he's too busy forgiving.

It will be interesting seeing his response. It's difficult stuff and forgiving your wife will not be as simple as he may have made it seem today. Many here believe you don't forgive until your forgiveness is sought. Unsolicited forgiveness is worthless and actually harmful as it alleviates the sinner from one of the obvious consequences of their CONTINUING sin.

For you IMO...this early in the game...notions of forgivenss aren't really an issue for you yet.

Hope OM's parents get a hold of that kid.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - You are corect...unless you are served you can't really be restrained. Just don't go arguing that to a cop on the scene as THEY are the law in that situation. IF she files one (which MOST don't follow through with the threat) a cop can retrieve it and put you on notice him/herself and remove you or whatever they choose to do. Texas cops don't fool around.

BH,
Since you see now (with the advice from Dr. Harley) that Plan D is the most likely (and wisest) outcome for you, what are you doing to safeguard yourself?

You should be changing passwords on anything in your name that she might know about. Lock down all the funds that you have access to. Also, look up the divorce laws in your state and in your WW's state, because I believe it matters who files first. If you can file under grounds for adultery, that may give you clear advantages, but you'll need proof and it doesn't sound like you should use the emails you've seen.

You have told her that you know about the OM and that he is going down to see her. So far, it doesn't seem like your wife cares, so maybe now is the time to start thinking about getting your tangible proof for the divorce proceedings, should it come to that. Can you call a P.I. to get some photos if the OM gets on that plane?

Start doing the legwork now before your wife files and you are on the defensive.

Mr. W...I am a bit surprised that you are not doing everything you can to help talk him out of going to Texas. Nothing good is going to come from this..and he could quite honestly get himself in a boatload of trouble. I am going to respectfully ask you to reconsider your advice to this poster.

Do you think there is a greater chance he will come home from this worse off than when he left...I do...and it's like 95-5%...the risk to win back a cheating wife with no kids and being so young is too much. You know Dr. H would not suggest this unless he was quite sure of the outcome.

On top of that...I imagine they will now just alter their plans...given the warning. This really is a fruitless adventure.

BTW,

Your wife has no idea what she want's yet. Most WW's are completely confused and conflicted about what they want because they are caught in an addiction and the addiction is ALL they care about.

Right now...protecting her planned visit with OM is her ONLY priority. She will try to play you 12 ways to sunday to manipulate you to not coming such that OM does come.

Just stick to your guns. You are going. If she files a restraining order...so be it. You are STILL getting on that plane. But IF OM backs out of the trip you'll likely be OK and get a chance to see her and discuss this with her still foggy butt. As we discussed on Friday...a short Plan A followed by Plan B will be in order.

On one hand...yes, their are no kids and your relationship has had problems which may cutting bait a wise possibility, however, on the other hand, we have no indication that she's had MORE than a short lived EA and less than a month ago your marriage was fine (albeit significantly disfunctional).

I think you are handling this well. It's gonna get ugly and stay ugly for awhile. Conduct yourself with integrity and you'll do fine no matter how this turns out.

Mr. Wondering

read, then read it again and again.

I kinda covered this in my last post. Up until a month ago this couple was sorta fine, it's, errr, only a few week, long distance "EA" thus far, and it's the MB process that's important to go through for this BH to regroup and recover from this devastating injury. He has HIS vows to worry about and do what he can, for a short period of time, to "love, honor and protect" his still lawful wife. Her eternal soul is at stake.

He's not obligated to be her husband forever...but he is her husband TODAY.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - In our conversations, BH75 isn't concerned with finding something to do in Texas should he go there and NOT see his wife. He'll merely inform her by text where he'll be and when and hope she comes to see him eventually. By Sunday when he leaves he'll have a great idea whether he's got a shot to save this or it's over. If he stays in Michigan...he may have to go later in the month for a face to face with her and this whole situation gets dragged out. I think he likley will find himself in Plan B NEXT WEEK. We'll see. Though I am completely unconcerned with the legalities. If she actually pursues a restraining order or whatever that just assists and reimforces Dr. Harley's ascertion that this is not likely a savable situation.

it doesn't appear that way from this vantage point. This woman has HUGE problems that did not just surface a month ago.

The fact that he is her husband TODAY does not mean he should embark on a self destructive trip to Texas. Her eternal soul cannot be saved by her husband. And, frankly...if we have the job of advising others to save their spouses souls at all costs...well, this site will have lost its utility.

Remember..

BH75 is an Engineer.

He is wisely unlikely to make a quick decision.

The MB process IS the best path for HIS recovery.

No matter the outcome he'll end up healthier for undertaking it.

Mr. Wondering

This doesn't sound like a marriage that was sort of okay.




And the person that created that process is advising him to cut bait and divorce!



As often as not, this is not the case on this site. People endure too much here for the sake of vows to an unworthy partner.

They wouldn't do it for me because it wasn't physical. Just verbal. (And this was NOT for Mr. Gray.)

Charlotte

I don't even think that is close to being true. It's just that some of the unhealthy ones perhaps stick around longer whilst "enduring too much".

Additionally, for there to BE and "unworthy partner" there must necessarily be a "worthy partner". IMO, it behooves the "worthy partner's" integrity and reduces the likelihood of regrets, IF the "worthy partner" continues to behave as a "worthy partner" throughtout this process.

Worthiness is determined by looking at his or her actions.

His/Her ACTIONS should match his/her VOWS...and to do otherwise is merely REACTING to the "unworthy spouse".

I try to advise them to self focus and ACT...DON'T REACT.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I also think this discussion IS part of the process and a healthy debate to have on this thread and others. I don't begrudge your opinion MDEC.

I live in Texas also and they would NOT grant a protective order (issued by police) OR a restraining order (issued by a Judge) UNLESS there was a threat of violence. Additionally, proving stalking between a man and a wife is difficult. There is no history there, no divorce pending, etc. The only way she could get a restraining order without a threat of violence is if she filed for a divorce and asked for a TRO in the divorce.

I agree with both of you...

I see both sides of your opinions...

I HAVE to give this a shot... I am WILLING to give it a shot up through this weekend.

AFTER this weekend, if she decides she can't stay away from OM, or from other OMen, then fine... I can accept that as her choice.

But, my NEED right now is to try and save my marriage.

Mr. W is right... this has been a long distance EA. It has been going on for less than a month (but has some history that I don't fully know).

My WW doesn't know what she wants right now either. She is searching her soul as we speak, I know it. When I talked to her today, she could have very well explicitly stated that she absolutely, positively wanted a divorce. While she did say she wanted one, she couldn't commit to her answer when I asked her if that's how she truly felt. That to me, tells me there's something to be saved, and that something is worth my efforts right now.

If this EA takes a turn, and goes beyond this weekend (i.e. OM stays in TX for the weekend or if she doesn't meet with me this weekend) I'm done and it's straight to plan D. I may draw up some divorce papers and leave them at her place. MI law states that there's a cooling off period, so nothing will be final for a month or so if that's the case.

They're likely changing their plans now, I'll never know... She could be finding a sleeping bag for the weekend and actually go on her camping trip. Either way, I'm going down there, on the same flight I was scheduled for. If I don't see her, it's over. I slipped up and told her that I read her e-mail, so she's gone and changed her password. But, I felt I had to tell her, so she knew what I knew, and that was that she was lying to me, and hiding this secret, and intentionally hurting me and our marriage.

Just be prudent and cautious. It is extremely easy to get a restraining order. All she has to do is lie.

I went to court to get one when my WH decided to move back into our home after 3 months of Plan B. And he was planning to keep the OW. He called me at work to let me know, and I left work and went to the court house and filled out the papers and saw the judge. The judge read them and told me he couldn't grant one because there was no threat of violence. Then he asked me if I wanted to change the paperwork. I was SHOCKED!!!!!

At least in California, an RO is temporary until you go to court, but will be enforced until then. So if she gets one, you need to respect it. You sound like a calm man - don't let the emotions control you. Better to walk away.

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PM, in Texas, does there have to be an ACTUAL threat of violence or can the woman just say she doesn't "feel safe" and get the man tossed in jail?

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