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Did your wife call you KNOWING you exposed today or did you tell her you exposed??
Have you gotten any response from OM's parents??? You may have given them the opportunity to preempt you exposure as some older people don't check their email regularly. OM could even have the chance to delete it.
You may consider calling them as a follow up to the email to ask what they intend to do, if anything (keeping the pressure on) and to confirm they've been exposed to.
One angle you MAY want to take with your wife, considering she's been a bible reader and daily prayer, is to indicate that she MUST meet you next weekend and resolve this face to face. She KNOWS where adulterers end up and you could indicate that IF she wants OM she can have him...but to await your divorce before doing it lest risk her eternity. Open the cage door and indicate you'll give her her exit, if she chooses, just not as an adulteress. Encourage her to have patience. In the meantime, if you can talk sense to her and Plan A her...before her EA goes PA...then you can push for No Contact and attempted recovery. Just seemingly offer her what she wants NOW so you can manipulate a delay in the affair going physical, get some face time, allow exposure to take effect and continue with YOUR plan.
Hope that makes sense.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I guess I've been a little confused by some of the advice in this thread. Thread after thread on this sites has stories with vets recommending keyloggers, email busters, VAR, uncovering the truth and exposing in any way possible.
When did we start worrying over whether a husband could LEGALLY read his wife's email? Did the family income not go towards purchasing his wife's computer? Does he not have a right to access something he helped buy?
Just because they don't stay under the same roof all the time, I don't see how that changes things. People in the military and other professions are hardly ever home, but I think they still have a right to full access of all the marital home(s).
And I can't see how this guy is stalking, by going to see his wife, whether she wants a visit or not. If I call my husband and tell him not to come home tonight, he still has a right to come home, right?
It just seems like we are backing up into a fear based lifestyle, and I don't understand what I'm missing. Maybe I missed a very vital post that would cause this to make sense.
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I live in Texas also and they would NOT grant a protective order (issued by police) OR a restraining order (issued by a Judge) UNLESS there was a threat of violence. Additionally, proving stalking between a man and a wife is difficult. [threadjack] PM, in Texas, does there have to be an ACTUAL threat of violence or can the woman just say she doesn't "feel safe" and get the man tossed in jail? [/threadjack] They wouldn't do it just based on her "feelings" without some sort of history or evidence to support it. They wouldn't throw him in jail, unless there was a violent physical confrontation. If she got a PO or a RO and he violated it, they WOULD throw him in jail OR if they meet up and get into a shouting match or whatever and she CLAIMS he was violent or she was fearful, then they would probably haul him off, but she would still have to follow-up with a complaint.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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And I can't see how this guy is stalking, by going to see his wife, whether she wants a visit or not. In this case, I don't believe it WOULD be stalking. Here's the TEXAS statute: Texas Stalking Law The law on stalking can be found in Section 42.072 of the Texas penal code. How is stalking proven? Intent of stalker: Stalker has the intent or the knowledge that his/her actions will instill fear of death or bodily injury to the victim or a member of the victim's family or household.Threats can be explicit (e.g.-stating that he is going to kill the victim) or implied (e.g.-veiled threats, hurting the family pet). Threats have to be aimed at a specific person; they cannot be general threats. Threats may be conveyed by the stalker or by someone acting on behalf of the stalker. Conduct of stalker: Conduct has to occur on more than one occasion and be directed towards the victim and/or the victim's family or household members. More than one police report is not required. The acts may include threatening contact by mail or by phone, or damaging the victim's property. Penalty: Class A misdemeanor - $4,000 and/or up to one year in jail unless there is a prior conviction for stalking, in which case the penalty is upgraded to a 3rd degree felony (2 to 10 years in prison and a possible fine of up to $10,000).
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thanks, PM. This makes it pretty clear to me that legal problems should be unlikely if he makes this trip. Unless he plans to beat someone to a pulp, which he's already said he has no intentions of, looks ok. I'd be willing to bet that the little 26 yo weasel isn't going to want to fight!
I agree with the plan that this trip will be a good last ditch effort. The cost of a plane ticket isn't THAT big of a deal.
Is WW worth keeping? Not the way she is acting now, for sure! And I don't know that I could take her back at all, but I'm not the BH.
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Contacting his parents might be beneficial. I don't know too many Texans who would be too be proud of a boy who conducted himself so trashy, and with a yankee woman! If my 26 yr old did this, there would be he11 to pay.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Contacting his parents might be beneficial. I don't know too many Texans who would be too be proud of a boy who conducted himself so trashy, and with a yankee woman! If my 26 yr old did this, there would be he11 to pay. OM and his parents are Yankees and live in Michigan.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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So no Texans involved, huh?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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§ 42.072. STALKING. (a) A person commits an offense if
the person, on more than one occasion and pursuant to the same
scheme or course of conduct that is directed specifically at
another person, knowingly engages in conduct, including following
the other person, that:
(1) the actor knows or reasonably believes the other
person will regard as threatening:
(A) bodily injury or death for the other person;
(B) bodily injury or death for a member of the
other person's family or household; or
(C) that an offense will be committed against the
other person's property;
(2) causes the other person or a member of the other
person's family or household to be placed in fear of bodily injury
or death or fear that an offense will be committed against the other
person's property; and
(3) would cause a reasonable person to fear:
(A) bodily injury or death for himself or
herself;
(B) bodily injury or death for a member of the
person's family or household; or
(C) that an offense will be committed against the
person's property.
(b) An offense under this section is a felony of the third
degree, except that the offense is a felony of the second degree if
the actor has previously been convicted under this section.
(c) In this section, "family," "household," and "member of a
household" have the meanings assigned by Chapter 71, Family Code. This stalking law from texas is very similar to other jurisdictions. Is it REASONABLE for this BH to assume his wife feels threatened. YES. She has told him that she feels he is crazy and wants to be left alone. He has been told. I have seen RO issued for a lot less than what is going on here...and if you don't think she will lie...you better thinmk again. He came to Texas against my wishes. I told him I want a divorce...he won't leave me alone. He has read my emails by breaking into my account...I am afraid of him..... Sorry, I have seen them issued for a lot less in more liberal places than Texas.
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Thread after thread on this sites has stories with vets recommending keyloggers, email busters, VAR, uncovering the truth and exposing in any way possible. That would NEVER be me. I think a key-logger is fine so long as the computer is owned by the BS. A VAR is only okay in states that allow them. Uncovering the truth by legal means only...or making damn sure you are not caught. Exposure is fine. Does he not have a right to access something he helped buy? He did NOT buy an email address. If in fact he PAID for the service and they have a joint email address...I think he would KNOW the password. But to answer your question...not in all cases. If I call my husband and tell him not to come home tonight, he still has a right to come home, right? Your husband lives with you. If your husband moved away and asked you to not come there...frankly, you have no right to do so...throw that in with illegally breaking into her email account and I think there is stalking.
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Man I feel for ya, i've been down this road and still recovering after two years, its very difficult to break the bound of the affair and I believe more so when it's women(wife), get ready for a long wild ride. Just try and keep your dignity. Don't believe anything she says, everything that will come out of her mouth will be a lie, trust me on that.
Strap in tight.
God bless you.
ME BH 42 - WW 41
1 kid 14 years old
DDAY April 13th 2006
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I don't even think that is close to being true. It's just that some of the unhealthy ones perhaps stick around longer whilst "enduring too much". I subscribe more to Lemonman's theory that SOME of the most dysfunctional people on this site are some of the so-called recovered ones. Not all mind you...and I think you have a good handle on what I mean Mr. W...but some. I don't begrudge your opinion MDEC. And I appreciate that and feel the same way about you.
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I do respect your knowlege in this area as being far greater than mine. I'm just surprised, as it seems so different than the advice which seems prevalent. It's unusual to see you and Mr. W with such differing opinions, and with your background in law enforement, and his as an attorney, I have to admit I am still a little confused. But I appreciate and respect the varying POV of you two as well as the others here. This is a very educational place! Back to the sitch at hand, Let me reiterate, this is probably not a marriage I would fight to save, due to the past behavioral history. I just felt, in my own humble opinion, that he is acting well within his legal and personal rights. But I've been wrong before - maybe once or twice! 
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Contacting his parents might be beneficial. I don't know too many Texans who would be too be proud of a boy who conducted himself so trashy, and with a yankee woman! If my 26 yr old did this, there would be he11 to pay. Just to clarify... I (BH) live in Michigan. OM lives in Michigan and is visiting WW in Texas. WW used to live in Michigan with me, but now lives in Texas.
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Sorry, I have seen them issued for a lot less in more liberal places than Texas. Isn't every place more liberal than Texas?  It would seem unlikely that, even if Mrsbh gets a RO on him, he'd wind up in jail. He isn't likely 2 get physical or even insist he be let in 2 her house/apartment/tent or whatever she's in down there. He'd be told he's got an RO against him before he'd be arrested, right? And if she gets one, he'll have his answer and he can go home. Better yet, he'll have the answer before he gets on the plane, and can stay home. And go 2 plan B or D. -ol' 2long
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Contacting his parents might be beneficial. I don't know too many Texans who would be too be proud of a boy who conducted himself so trashy, and with a yankee woman! If my 26 yr old did this, there would be he11 to pay. Just to clarify... I (BH) live in Michigan. OM lives in Michigan and is visiting WW in Texas. WW used to live in Michigan with me, but now lives in Texas. Contacting his parents would still be beneficial. Maybe they can cut off his allowance and send him 2 his room without supper, and make him miss his flight. -ol' 2long
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I don't even think that is close to being true. It's just that some of the unhealthy ones perhaps stick around longer whilst "enduring too much". I subscribe more to Lemonman's theory that SOME of the most dysfunctional people on this site are some of the so-called recovered ones. Not all mind you...and I think you have a good handle on what I mean Mr. W...but some. I don't begrudge your opinion MDEC. And I appreciate that and feel the same way about you. This is a situation that is cut and dry. I feel bad for the Original Poster ofcourse, but this is a lose-lose situation. I haven't been here in a while, and when I surf back on, the names are different but the situations are the same. Very sad indeed. To get a true number of times a wayward spouse has cheated in the marriage you need to multiply by 5 the times they were actually caught. Too many people here are still serving the kool-aid that this might be a "one time abberation"....rolling eyes....come one folks...come on. Respectfully, Lemonman, MD
Last edited by lemonman; 06/29/08 08:37 PM.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Well, hello, lem!
I hope you are well.
I agree. The BS must always consider that they've only just seen the tip of the iceberg in most of these sitches.
But even if this is all that there's been, Dr Harley's observations of the data given him by bh, and his perspective on the prospects are sobering.
-ol' 2long
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To get a true number of times a wayward spouse has cheated in the marriage you need to multiply by 5 the times they were actually caught. Too many people here are still serving the kool-aid that this might be a "one time abberation"....rolling eyes....come one folks...come on.
Respectfully,
Lemonman, MD Hey Dr Lemonman! Speaking of "kool-aid" did you read what Dr. Harley told this poster? Hi WW,
I am currently counseling three couples where the wife is having, or has had, numerous affairs during their marriage. In each case, they had at least one affair with a married man prior to their marriage. These couples now have children together, and the wife is still having affairs. You did not mention children, so I would assume that you don't have any yet. If you do have children, I would encourage you to do whatever possible to win her back, but if you do not, I would encourage a divorce. The three husbands that I am counseling will all tell you that trying to keep their marriage together has been the most painful experience of their lives.
The fact that you made love so infrequently after marriage is a huge red flag. Something is terribly wrong with your romantic relationship. And it stands next to the red flag of your wife having an affair with a married man prior to your marriage. Her secretive and sexual texting with the man she works with, combined with these other factors tells me that if you continue with this woman, the pattern is likely to continue throughout your marriage. You'll never be able to trust her.
Under the circumstances, I'd go ahead with your plan to confront your wife and her new lover, and then ask her to make a decision. If she wants to remain married to you, she must agree to never be apart from you overnight. You should immediately move to Texas to live with her, and find a job there, even if it means leaving your home in Michigan vacant. If she can't decide, get a divorce. While I'm sure that you are in love with her, you happen to have married a woman who is much more likely to have an affair than most other women, and that will make you worry about her relationship with other men throughout your lives together, even if she enthusiastically welcomes you back now.
Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I know how much effort you would have to put into this marriage to keep it together, and in the end she will probably divorce you anyway.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. How are ya doing, LM??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am great Mel, how about you?
The good Dr Harley gave this guy some great advice.....served it up on a platter, I hope he takes it.
This stuff seems so complicated in the moment, but in reality it is not.
Lem, MD
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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