I will not send a NC letter because me and the OM met face to face and we have established that already. Contacting him again after already successfully doing so would make the first attempt null and void because I would be doing just that...contacting him again. He wants no contact from me either and means it. He said that he doesn't want to continue a relationship that is going no where and does not want anything to do with me while I am married because feelings have gotten in the way and he cannot go back to when we were just talking as friends. It was a mutual NC agreement. I can't contact him because he doesn't want to talk or see me and he made that very clear.

I thought this website was about being honest and you continue to badger me about my feelings. If you will notice, I said that he is NATURALLY a negative person. He has always been like this and will openly admit it. Yes, I understand he hasn't had anything in our marriage to be very excited about in a long time. Quite frankly, I haven't seen him happy since the birth of our son.

As I have said, I will not be sending a NC letter because it would be the same if I sent the letter and then sent another one. NC has already been established.

But you're not doing this because of what OM wants. You do a no contact letter as an act of committment to your marriage. In it, you lift up your husband by making it clear that you and OM were wrong and that you want to work on your marriage. A No Contact letter has NOTHING whatsoever to do with OM's feelings. In fact, his feelings should not be a consideration AT ALL.

Are you afraid?

Meeting face to face is not a good idea for NC, it always seems that there's an opportunity to say 'we need to take this farther underground'...not that I am saying you did.

But your husband NEEDS the NC letter to be written. It for him, and for your marriage.

No, I am not afraid. There is no question that there will be no contact with the OM unless I am divorced. We both made it very clear.

How can you work on your marriage, when you have held out contact with OM as a REWARD for divorce? Don't you see what this is doing?

The sooner you realize this the sooner you will be on your way to recovery!

The problem is that she still isn't interested in recovery.

Her OM is hoping this "NC" of his will manipulate her into ending her M.

Writing a REAL NC letter would force OM TO LET GO OF HER...and HIS HOPES that she will end her M.

It is perfectly obvious that the reason she has not written a NC letter is b/c SHE DOESN'T WANT HIM TO LET GO OF HER.

This is why rain was slapped silly by BH's.

Until she loses this attitude she should be slapped around!

If 72dude is reading....Divorce this *edit* (did that myself, save the mods).

Do you have any clue how you make your husband feel knowing you have a suitor waiting in the wings should your marriage fail?

I highly recommend he dump you immediately!

There is no one waiting in the wings. As I mentioned before, we have been having marriage problems for 12 years...this isn't about the OM.

It's not attitude..."if I get divorced then I can see OM"...is a perfectly legit way to start recovery

I feel for rain's H, because this chick is the ultimate cake-eater. I mean really, has there ever been someone who was so blatant in doing so? "If I just hang around long enough, post on MB...then I can sponge off of my H some more, still see my son...then, when H and son least expect it, I'll leave and be all over OM like a fat kid on a Smarty". Rain is the most selfish person I've seen in MB (or the other forum) so far.

Rain;

You're not getting it. It seems like semantics, but the underlying REASON you choose NC is the most important piece to this, along with the idea that he is out of your life for life.


All you did was put OM on ice for awhile.

Don't you realize that even if you do end up divorced, OM is still NOT the person you should end up with?

I am not saying you have to stay married. But I am saying you have to let OM go -- no matter what.

Lets say you and Dude try, but get divorced. Lets just say that he really isn't the one for you. You would need to spend some time working on your addiction issues. Get healthly. Then maybe someone will come into your life that can be celebrated. You will have done things right. Made the right efforts.

No matter how you do this now, if you end up with OM it will never be anything other than what it is -- a sleazy affair.
I could care less that you haven't slept together. You have still betrayed your husband and child. The foundation is ugly and can never be change.

Write the letter, to honor your husband. And to start earning back your integrity. Truly let OM go.

True, if she was honest, she would not be afraid to admit this.

No, it's about you AND the OM.

Actually, enforcing NC if he tries to contact her will force OM to let go of her. Even if a letter isn't written. An NC letter is desirable but the letter isn't really the goal. Making sure NC remains is.

Blessings.

S&C

Absolutely!

Rain, you say:

Yes. It is CLEAR. We get it. Do you?

You did NOT state that there is to be NO CONTACT, EVER, and you did not do it in a way your BH could approve and verify.

Sending a NC letter to OM (who you claim you have no more ties or obligations to) is something you do for your BH (who you DO still have some moral and legal abligations to). What's more important: keeping promises and obligations to OM or to BH?

Here's a thought: Maybe this NC between you and the OM is like a Plan B on OM's part - toward *you*??? So the NC is actually to get you to miss him enough so that you do as required by the terms of his Plan B - which is, get a D so you can be with OM?

Your refusing to contact OM in the form of a written letter approved by your BH (which, if OM really wants to maintain NC, he can always tear up without reading) is simply you choosing to protect OM's feelings instead of your BH's feelings.

Are you afraid OM will get his hopes up when he sees a letter from you? Are you afraid he will be hurt to read a written NC letter? Are you afraid it will mess with his emotions? Are you afraid he will be angry that you broke your promise to him to not contact him before you are D?

On an entirely different subject: Why are you not allowing complete transparency, why have you not given your BH access to all your computer and email accounts and passwords???

Hey, Rain...

I believe you. I believe you will hold yourself to NC in anyway...and that you will choose to not even think about OM in your thoughts.

What I don't believe is that you know if what was clear to OM. See, you know you were clear and believe you understood OM clearly...you can't say what he did or didn't really get.

What's your plan for if OM calls? What have you and Dude POJA'd as your response...do you check your phone to see who's calling and then decline the call? Do you then call Dude right away? Did you change your cell number so OM can't find it, anyway?

What if by email? What if by bumping into you somewhere?

Suddenly, I'm thinking of Paul Revere..."One if by land, two if by sea." They had a plan, eh? (I'm not being flippant...I hold myself to sharing as it happens...and yes, I do apologize in advance.)

Setting you free from the oppression of your A...so that you practice what you will do if...and let go the outcome/response. That's actively recoverying your marriage, holding yourself to transparency.

A way to love and honor The Marriage, even when you don't feel like loving or honoring your partner just yet. Make sure you aren't attacking the marriage by dwelling in the past on OM or the future...both are fantasies at this point. Stay clean and true, and if you dwell, include those thoughts in your immediate notification plan...tell Dude. Own and share...and you will personally recover, even if your marriage doesn't, 'k?

Listen when he shares...for he triggers mightily, too. You know he hurts and fears through his thoughts, too, right? Like not being present when you supposedly decided this with OM. It's like you saying you POJA'd with the man who attacked your marriage...leaves out Dude entirely.

How can you include him now...not make him the outsider to his own marriage and decisions about it like you did in the A and ending it?

You're creative and strong, smart and earnest...how can you include him, make him your partner in POJAing...choose him first, over OM?

LA

I have always admired and respected your advice here, S&C. But, what is your goal with this woman? 'Cause, from what I can see, there is a 0% chance that NC (if it is even in place) is going to remain in place. Rain is way too selfish to remain in NC. She is a waste of time, energy and oxygen for you and everyone else that she is stringing along right now.

Rain,

These are the games OM play. He cuts you loose, fully expecting that will *finally* push you off the fence and you'll get that divorce you've been talking about for years.

Problems for 12 years? Yeah right. I tried that one too. Except they were all problems I exagerated and never happened to mention to my BH. Couldn't really say I'd given my best effort, could I?

Just be prepared for what you are choosing. You've read enough MB to know that we are going to suggest your BH plan B you. Not speak, e-mail, see, or communicate with you in any way.

We are going to suggest that your husband try for sole custody, because only a lousy parent chooses to tear apart a childs family.

Be prepared that EVERYONE will know OM is a homewrecker. Don't expect a warm welcome reception for him. Be prepared that your child will know OM is the one who tore his family apart.

Be prepared that OM is not what you think he is. (trust me on that on!! yikes!)

I've got more....you want to hear? Do you know what you are choosing?