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rain,
I'm sure you know the phrase "Actions speak louder than words." The people here on MB only hear your words and cannot see your actions. It is important for dude to see by your actions that you are committed to really trying.
When you said that you will not be seeing OM unless you are divorced means that he is waiting in the wings. And the fact that he is there, gives the impression that you may not give this your best effort. Can you see that POV?
That may not be the reality, but it is the impression that is being give right now.
Just something for you to think about OK?
God Bless.
S&C
No man likes to have his intelligence or good faith questioned, especially if he has doubts about it himself. - Henry Brooks Adams
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Rain,
These are the games OM play. He cuts you loose, fully expecting that will *finally* push you off the fence and you'll get that divorce you've been talking about for years.
Problems for 12 years? Yeah right. I tried that one too. Except they were all problems I exagerated and never happened to mention to my BH. Couldn't really say I'd given my best effort, could I?
Just be prepared for what you are choosing. You've read enough MB to know that we are going to suggest your BH plan B you. Not speak, e-mail, see, or communicate with you in any way.
We are going to suggest that your husband try for sole custody, because only a lousy parent chooses to tear apart a childs family.
Be prepared that EVERYONE will know OM is a homewrecker. Don't expect a warm welcome reception for him. Be prepared that your child will know OM is the one who tore his family apart.
Be prepared that OM is not what you think he is. (trust me on that on!! yikes!)
I've got more....you want to hear? Do you know what you are choosing? ...a lifetime of being known a a ****edit****...while her STBXH is the single father (with every single chick in town vying for his attention).
Last edited by Dufresne; 06/30/08 04:34 PM. Reason: TOS Violation - Harassment and name calling
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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I MUST add something. . .
Rain, are you reading?
Think about the MAN who is hanging in there for you versus the MALE who would boff a married woman and betray his family, himself, you, and your family.
Just a bit of perspective.
Larry
Me- FWW, 26
H- BS, 27
Together 11 yrs. 9-4-98
Married 8 yrs. 10-27-01
DS,7 ; DD,3 ; DS,2
D-Day 5-3-08
NC established 5-7-08
*** UPDATED 8-6-13 ***
Me- BS, 30
H- FWS, 31
Together 14 yrs. 9-4-98
Married 11 yrs. 10-27-01
DS,11 ; DD,7 ; DS,6
D-Day 4-6-13
NC established 5-3-13
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intro, Rain is way too selfish to remain in NC. And you know this to be a fact because? She is a waste of time, energy and oxygen for you and everyone else that she is stringing along right now. Same reason I didn't think you and your W were a waste of time. With all due respect; if you think she is a waste of time then then simply don't post. Isn't NC the goal right now? If NC is not in place time will prove that and dude will be the one to decide what his next move is. S&C
No man likes to have his intelligence or good faith questioned, especially if he has doubts about it himself. - Henry Brooks Adams
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Fair enough...suit yourself.
Just thought I'd poke my head in to see how much improvement there has been in Rain's attitude...I've seen enough.
I think she is using this site to suck dude into thinking she is trying, so she can continue to sponge off of him and take him down with her.
You are a very good, and graceful person. But I fear in your gracefulness, your advice and wisdom is being wasted *edit*
*edit*
Last edited by c00per; 06/30/08 04:45 PM. Reason: more personal attacks!
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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He has already let go and so have I. Writing a REAL NC letter would force OM LET GO OF HER...and his HOPES that she will end her M. True, if she was honest, she would not be afraid to admit this.
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He has already let go and so have I. Writing a REAL NC letter would force OM LET GO OF HER...and his HOPES that she will end her M. True, if she was honest, she would not be afraid to admit this. Unless of course you get divorced, then your on the OM like white on rice, or more like flies *edit*.
Last edited by c00per; 06/30/08 04:56 PM. Reason: language
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But does Dude believe that you have? His opinion is the one that matters here.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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What does POJA mean? Hey, Rain...
I believe you. I believe you will hold yourself to NC in anyway...and that you will choose to not even think about OM in your thoughts.
What I don't believe is that you know if what was clear to OM. See, you know you were clear and believe you understood OM clearly...you can't say what he did or didn't really get.
What's your plan for if OM calls? What have you and Dude POJA'd as your response...do you check your phone to see who's calling and then decline the call? Do you then call Dude right away? Did you change your cell number so OM can't find it, anyway?
What if by email? What if by bumping into you somewhere?
Suddenly, I'm thinking of Paul Revere..."One if by land, two if by sea." They had a plan, eh? (I'm not being flippant...I hold myself to sharing as it happens...and yes, I do apologize in advance.)
Setting you free from the oppression of your A...so that you practice what you will do if...and let go the outcome/response. That's actively recoverying your marriage, holding yourself to transparency.
A way to love and honor The Marriage, even when you don't feel like loving or honoring your partner just yet. Make sure you aren't attacking the marriage by dwelling in the past on OM or the future...both are fantasies at this point. Stay clean and true, and if you dwell, include those thoughts in your immediate notification plan...tell Dude. Own and share...and you will personally recover, even if your marriage doesn't, 'k?
Listen when he shares...for he triggers mightily, too. You know he hurts and fears through his thoughts, too, right? Like not being present when you supposedly decided this with OM. It's like you saying you POJA'd with the man who attacked your marriage...leaves out Dude entirely.
How can you include him now...not make him the outsider to his own marriage and decisions about it like you did in the A and ending it?
You're creative and strong, smart and earnest...how can you include him, make him your partner in POJAing...choose him first, over OM?
LA
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Policy Of Joint Agreement. Means you don't do anything without BOTH of you agreeing on it.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Yes, I totally understand what you are saying. rain,
I'm sure you know the phrase "Actions speak louder than words." The people here on MB only hear your words and cannot see your actions. It is important for dude to see by your actions that you are committed to really trying.
When you said that you will not be seeing OM unless you are divorced means that he is waiting in the wings. And the fact that he is there, gives the impression that you may not give this your best effort. Can you see that POV?
That may not be the reality, but it is the impression that is being give right now.
Just something for you to think about OK?
God Bless.
S&C
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I know what you are saying and understand, however, there are lousy parents that don't divorce. Calling me a lousy parent is ridiculous. There is no justification in it. I love my son and my H would have to bury me before I would allow him to have sole custody as I am a very loving mother and I love my son and would do anything for him. But for you to ask me to stay in a marriage for a child is just wrong. I bet if I asked my son when he turns an adult if he would rather me stay in an unhappy marriage because of him, he would say no because of course he does not want his mom and dad to divorce, but he would understand and would not want that for his mom or dad. Rain,
These are the games OM play. He cuts you loose, fully expecting that will *finally* push you off the fence and you'll get that divorce you've been talking about for years.
Problems for 12 years? Yeah right. I tried that one too. Except they were all problems I exagerated and never happened to mention to my BH. Couldn't really say I'd given my best effort, could I?
Just be prepared for what you are choosing. You've read enough MB to know that we are going to suggest your BH plan B you. Not speak, e-mail, see, or communicate with you in any way.
We are going to suggest that your husband try for sole custody, because only a lousy parent chooses to tear apart a childs family.
Be prepared that EVERYONE will know OM is a homewrecker. Don't expect a warm welcome reception for him. Be prepared that your child will know OM is the one who tore his family apart.
Be prepared that OM is not what you think he is. (trust me on that on!! yikes!)
I've got more....you want to hear? Do you know what you are choosing? ...a lifetime of being known a a ****edit****...while her STBXH is the single father (with every single chick in town vying for his attention).
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love my son and would do anything for him Would you stay in a M and do the WORK it would take to make it fulfilling for you ALL? But for you to ask me to stay in a marriage for a child is just wrong Oh, so you WOULD. Unless you were asked to. And then that would be too much? Words are easy to SAY, rain. stay in an unhappy marriage because of him Why is an "unhappy" marriage your only option? Why not stay and make a HAPPY marriage for him? but he would understand and would not want that for his mom or dad Will he understand that his family was not even important enough to his mom for her to TRY? Fox
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I know what you are saying....ok. Point taken. love my son and would do anything for him Would you stay in a M and do the WORK it would take to make it fulfilling for you ALL? But for you to ask me to stay in a marriage for a child is just wrong Oh, so you WOULD. Unless you were asked to. And then that would be too much? Words are easy to SAY, rain. stay in an unhappy marriage because of him Why is an "unhappy" marriage your only option? Why not stay and make a HAPPY marriage for him? but he would understand and would not want that for his mom or dad Will he understand that his family was not even important enough to his mom for her to TRY? Fox
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Remind yourself that it is you who created most (not ALL) of the unhappiness.
YOU had an affair.
Granted your husband may not have been doing all he could for you but YOU are an ADULT and ADULTS make their own decisions.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Rain,
I started this thread for you, but I have never gotten answers to my question of you a few pages back.
By the way "staying" for the children is wrong. Working on the marriage for the children is in fact exactly what you promised to do in your vows. Having an affair is NOT the action of a mother that loves her son. Having an affair is not the action of someone who values commitment. Having an affair is only the action that is willing to hurt ANYONE to achieve their own satisfaction, that includes your son.
You are deluding yourself here.
However, having said all of this, there are ways that you can become happily married. My guess is that both you and your H has a lot of learning to do, but it can be done.
It takes time, it takes focus, and it takes patience with yourself as well as your H.
Are you interested?
God Bless,
JL
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Rain,
I don't know if anyone has put it to you quite this way or whether you will get the true feeling of what I am about to say.
I am a betrayed wife. I was absolutely devastated when I found out about my husband's affair.
All my life, when we would hear of someone dealing with infidelity, I would SWEAR that if my husband had an affair he would IMMEDIATELY be kicked out and I would rake him over the coals until he wished he had never met me.
Then, my husband did the unthinkable. He had an affair.
I DID NOT kick him out....I did everything I could to bring him back and correct OUR wrongs.
My husband did not return and is currently still living with his "other woman".
One of the biggest things I struggled with was the feeling of feeling ROBBED of my chance to correct my wrongs in the marriage.
No, I was not at fault for the affair, but I had some responsibility in how the marriage got to that point. I DESPERATELY needed to have a chance to make my part of it right.
Do not rob your husband of the CHANCE to be better, to do better, and to improve. Let HIM decide if you are worth it. He is already saying you are, even after knowing what he knows.
Do not rob your son of the chance to see his parents TRY to build a better marriage, for him AND for them.
Do not rob yourself of the person you can be and of the person your husband can be.
He is willing, rain. He may not be willing forever.
You are SO lucky to have a man who is still holding is hand out to you after all the hurt he has endured.
Fox
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I know what you are saying and understand, however, there are lousy parents that don't divorce. Yes there are, but that doesn't "excuse" your actions and is no justification for thinking that your actions are not a "bad parenting" model for your son. Calling me a lousy parent is ridiculous. There is no justification in it. No, at present you are being called, maybe, a "lousy wife." The "justification" in your actions and their effects on your son are in the "how to be a faithful or unfaithful spouse" area. I love my son and my H would have to bury me before I would allow him to have sole custody as I am a very loving mother and I love my son and would do anything for him. Nice try, but very short of the mark. If it were your son's wife who was cheating on him and your grandson who was caught in his mother's selfishness, even though she claimed to "love" him and would fight your son for custody so that he could be a continuing part of his mother's adultery, what would you tell your grandson, and what would you tell your son? The fact is clear, you currently WILL NOT "do anything for him" or you would be home and actively WORKING at building a good loving marriage to his father, who also loves him by the way. And your husband's love for your son is one of the major reasons why he hasn't just "let you have your way" and divorced you already. He is willing to WORK at recovering your marriage. So what's your excuse for NOT doing the "adult thing" and working at it? But for you to ask me to stay in a marriage for a child is just wrong. I bet if I asked my son when he turns an adult if he would rather me stay in an unhappy marriage because of him, he would say no because of course he does not want his mom and dad to divorce, but he would understand and would not want that for his mom or dad. You delude yourself to justify being destructive and not working to make a HAPPY marriage. You can continue to make all the excuses and protestations you want to, but it doesn't alter the fact that adultery is destructive and that kids in a "two parent" home make much better adults with far less of their own "problems" to work through that resulted from their Family Of Origin. You think "unhappy" is permanent. You think happy "just happens," but it takes love and work at maintaining love. "Happy" is a feeling, and feelings FOLLOW actions that result in the feelings, over time. Isn't it about time you stopped all the excuses, all the self-focus, and just went to work BUILDING the sort of marriage you'd like to have?
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Sorry...what were your questions? Rain,
I started this thread for you, but I have never gotten answers to my question of you a few pages back.
By the way "staying" for the children is wrong. Working on the marriage for the children is in fact exactly what you promised to do in your vows. Having an affair is NOT the action of a mother that loves her son. Having an affair is not the action of someone who values commitment. Having an affair is only the action that is willing to hurt ANYONE to achieve their own satisfaction, that includes your son.
You are deluding yourself here.
However, having said all of this, there are ways that you can become happily married. My guess is that both you and your H has a lot of learning to do, but it can be done.
It takes time, it takes focus, and it takes patience with yourself as well as your H.
Are you interested?
God Bless,
JL
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That is just it. My H doesn't do anything wrong. He is just who he is and we are not compatible. He doesn't do anything wrong, not intentionally anyway. Rain,
I don't know if anyone has put it to you quite this way or whether you will get the true feeling of what I am about to say.
I am a betrayed wife. I was absolutely devastated when I found out about my husband's affair.
All my life, when we would hear of someone dealing with infidelity, I would SWEAR that if my husband had an affair he would IMMEDIATELY be kicked out and I would rake him over the coals until he wished he had never met me.
Then, my husband did the unthinkable. He had an affair.
I DID NOT kick him out....I did everything I could to bring him back and correct OUR wrongs.
My husband did not return and is currently still living with his "other woman".
One of the biggest things I struggled with was the feeling of feeling ROBBED of my chance to correct my wrongs in the marriage.
No, I was not at fault for the affair, but I had some responsibility in how the marriage got to that point. I DESPERATELY needed to have a chance to make my part of it right.
Do not rob your husband of the CHANCE to be better, to do better, and to improve. Let HIM decide if you are worth it. He is already saying you are, even after knowing what he knows.
Do not rob your son of the chance to see his parents TRY to build a better marriage, for him AND for them.
Do not rob yourself of the person you can be and of the person your husband can be.
He is willing, rain. He may not be willing forever.
You are SO lucky to have a man who is still holding is hand out to you after all the hurt he has endured.
Fox
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