Queenie,

I am totally not up for a trip to the PNW, so you'd better take the 2 x 4 with love and make it count.


You are NOT, and I repeat NOT stupid!!!!

Love is not stupid. Beating yourself up for loving may be. Loving them without setting boundaries may be. Letting them destroy us definately is.

But you aren't letting him destroy you. YOU, my dear, are taking the most devestating of cirumstances and making POSITIVE changes in your life in spite of HIS STUPID, SELFISH wayward actions.

So Stop the Stinkin Thinkin!! And that's an order missy!

You know I love ya!!

Yes M'am....

I am not willing to go there either. I know too much.

But it still seems like I should just be able to say enough is enough and move on.

How can one person possible take so much bad and still walk away loving that monster.

Especially when he is supposed to be dead to me.

I need an excedrin. Ooops, that's right, WH was sighted by large amounts of it the night of court. LOL

You are not stupid. You are just still not over it all. You know how they talk about the different stages of grief when someone dies? Well, this is the same sort of thing. You have denial, anger, acceptance, denial, anger, acceptance......

get my drift?

Queenie, I know about still being stuck in the wanting him back but also wanting a better deal than I got.

You know, lots of Betrayed Spouses get the short end of the stick emotionally.

OK, I'm gonna send you some links to songs that helped me.....Yeah, the Princess found music therapeutic. You might think I'm crazy but I got better to these songs. I nearly wore out my Alanis Morrisette CD.

I Will Survive

Give Me One Reason

Hand In My Pocket

So, believe it or not, I would go to sleep feeding myself songs about how I deserved better. I claimed the better life and saw it. First, you have to not dwell on what has happened.

Exploring the concept of self-forgiveness is important.

And, for what it's worth, those are just boys you are raising. When they haven't had respect for mom modeled for them, it's hard for them. I still give my son grief for how he treats me sometimes. In fact, his dad does too, sometimes. See, he saw some of those same behaviors from his dad.

Cinders,

I just posted links for you about Reverse Babble on the thread where you asked about it...

Queenie,

What's up with all this "poor me" stuff.

I know you hurt, Queenie and I know you feel like much of what has happened was because you did something wrong or did not so something right. But if you keep beating yourself up, you'll take away our jobs here...

So don't beat yourself up, give someone else a chance...

This stinkin' thinkin' has got to top, Girl...

I see you are worried that the money will not be there tomorrow as it is supposed to be. If it's not, you have reason to be concerned, but you can call your lawyer.

If it is there on time, you have wasted time worrying about what might have happened but didn't.

Worry is the interest we pay on not believing God will take care of us.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.... (Ps 20:7)

OTOH, it's OK to mourn your loss in all of this. You have been so strong and an example to many of what can be accomplished and what can be done by a person willing to sacrifice their own desires for their marriage.

The Lord will take care of you Queenie, with or without your husband's cooperation. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills...

And the hills too!

His timing is perfect. He's never late...

But He's never early either...

Mark

Hey Mark,

Thank you for bringing the self pity to my attention. I didn't see it like that, but truly it's so obvious I should have seen the wall a mile away.

Oh well, better late than never.

I'm not worrying about the money as much as I would have in the past. But what is really bothering me is my food. It's out of control and I am gaining weight.

I talked to my sponsor yesterday during our morning walk and she told me to start working it like the 12 steps. I admitted I am powerless over food and when it's out of control my life begins to become unmanageable.

I am doing so good in so many ways. G-d was so gracious to me the other day and yet the OLD pattern of my self destructing seems to taken hold and need to seek G-d more diligently to help me move forward.

There is shifting going on. Sitting back and totally watching WH destroy himself is hard for me, and I have to wonder if unconsiously I am stirring up crap in my life. Who knows, but it's something I need to stop.

I've worked too hard to lose this weight and have so much farther to go. I need to remember this body is a gift from G-d and right now I need his help giving up the food and letting my body, mind and spirit continue to heal.

Thanks Mark.... You really have such a way with wording things for me to look at. And then I can count sheep...

Hi Q
U ok? It is very late and I see you are still online.
You need to sleep properly sweetie

Queenie, I think we all have seasons when things become unmanageable. I know I do. Sometimes, I just have to fiture out what is triggering my behavior and learn to let it go. Tough stuff.

ISA 54:5 For your Maker is your husband--
the LORD Almighty is his name--
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

ISA 54:6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

ISA 54:10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

ISA 54:13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children's peace.

ISA 54:14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.

ISA 54:15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

ISA 54:16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

ISA 54:17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.

So what you're telling me is a put you to sleep...

Gee, thanks...

re: food

Food is not your friend. It is not a reward or a consolation prize. Especially if you eat when you are depressed, you need to do something about the depression. Maybe ADs are in order, but you also need to be careful with those.

And if you sleep better, you might begin to feel better and when you feel better, you might be better able to control what and how you eat. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Mark

LOL - no I stayed up and talked to G-d.

I'm not depressed. It's a totally weird feeling. When my food is out of control it's because I am hurting myself for whatever reason.

That's what I have to figure out is why am I hurting myself. Am I stopping my successes that are truly building me a new life and moving farther ahead.

And I don't want to.

I do my best to think of food as FUEL. It is there to nourish your body, to help it chug along, and carry you through a day; you only need so much of it; the extra food is useless. I'm not always successful, and sometimes succumb to the stress. Most of the time, i do well with this mantra.

Money is really tight for me right now; so tight that i took a bit out of my IRA AGAIN. I need to get some bills under control. Meh, it is what it is. Food has gone up, and gasoline, of course, as well as electricity supply and water. It's all scyrocketing. I hope to manage things with this money so that I can continue living lean and maybe save some money over the next year.

You have a pattern that I notice. When things go well, you take a downward turn, as if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if you don't deserve this WIN. I dunno, just what I see. I'm sure we all do it, to some extent.

If he is actually contacting her about $$, then you need to let your attorney know. BTW, have you asked her to NOT talk to you about WH or what he does as part of your Plan B?


Again, why are you getting involved in their conversation? This should be between YS and WH. See how it hurt you? YS should have just said I've been invited and I do... don't... want to go.

((((Queenie)))) - I hate seeing you exposed to his poision.

SL, wow, you are good. This is absolutely my pattern and I have to fight this all the time.

Thank you for noticing. Not sure how to stop it or prepare for it by affirmations or teach myself before hand. But this is something I need to do.

PM,

That is what is so weird. I'm not hurt by what the kids are saying, certainly not like before. I am numb. I am sad for "us", but I have accepted he is no longer my H and is just a monster.

I think that I want to know what's going on so I can protect myself, like in the case of him searching for money, but other than that it's my need to control and you are so right. I have no business doing it in Plan B.

I haven't told my DD to not tell me anything, but I will. I need to pray for more willingness though.

Though I will say his poison may be affected me unconsciously, and that's something I need to protect myself from.

What about OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS?

Actually I have been talking about it with someone who goes to food addicts anonymous. The cool part is they have phone meetings and I would prefer that versus driving and being gone from home some more.

One thing that has been bothering me, I am someone who HATES to be at home - always have. But since I am the only adult with the boys, I find myself needing to be there. I am not doing any family things with them and in a way we are just existing. I see that I am losing precious time and memories with them. So, any suggestions on what we could do as a family that doesn't take much money and then when I feel like I need to be away I don't feel so guilty.

Is this normal?

To be honest, once my boys were teenagers, they didn't want to be with me and I didn't want to be with them...

BUT, I like to STAY HOME...

THEY were always gone...

I don't have the answer for you on this one...

For sure, DO THE FOOD ADDICTS thing...

Any SUPPORT GROUP with folks dealing with your issues is GREAT!!

Do you EAT at HOME?

Well, I am the one feeling guilty about not being with they boys. I don't really think they care. So maybe I should just ask them and see what they say and take them at their word.

What a novel concept, eh? Personally I don't need to be with them, but I also don't want to waste this time because I am happier sitting in my bedroom putzing around.

You know.

No, my problem is I eat late at night. But actually lately I have been grazing all day long.

STOP ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL GUILTY!!

DON'T GIVE A FLYING FLIP!!

I tell my sons OFTEN.."I DO AND DID THE BEST I CAN"

Cmon, Queenie..FOCUS on being as HAPPY as you can be...

Get rid of any tempting food around your house..throw it out..JUST LIKE YOU WOULD LIQUOR..only have healthy food around there...it's good for you and your boys...

Your job is to focus on your HEALING..whatever it takes..

You'll have LOTS of TIME left with your sons...LATER...or NOT...

FOCUS ON YOU..that's not being SELFISH..I'm not saying to do that at the expense of others...

I just took one big step in the direction of healing myself.

I am putting my YS on a plane on July 9th until August 19th to spend it with my SIL who was up for graduation. He'll have his cousins and little cousins to play with, plus private time.

This is so hard for me, but it's good for him and then I will have time to myself to work on me and just heal me.