SL in some ways i think your sitch is HARDER than any i have read on MB and IMHO you have handled things ADMIRABLY!!!

I mean i do not know many people who would have worked as hard as you did to recover your M when the spouse (much less "W"S) is not doing ANY lifting. As a matter of fact he was adding to the weight instead of making it lighter to carry.

PWC made his choices and so did you and i for one STAND UP AND APPLAUD YOU for the ones that you made. I do not think i would have tried as hard as you did and i think that you should hold your head high for trying to make your M work.

IMHO you are "Wonder Woman". Where is your invisible jet?

I keep it under a tarp in the back yard. That way, people think it's an old clunker and my identity is safe

Seriously, SC, I appreciate your kind words. These years have not been easy. Even now, after all that has happened, I wonder, "if only" still comes up. If only I had held on for two years, would PWC had slowly made a 180. Problem with that line of thinking is it is WISHFUL.

My real life experience was that things got WORSE, not better, over time. The more I tried to communicate and use the MB program, the more distant he became. The increase in drinking became a BIG problem for me. Conflict avoidance is not in MY nature.

As for my sitch being more difficult, I can only blame myself. I chose this path. I'm square with it now. It's good. I also don't really see it as MORE difficult, just different. We all have our struggles. Some people remain in the type of situation I had for many years before questioning it, and attempting to make change. Differing values, religious beliefs, internal mish mash, etc.

It was and is a difficult situation, mostly because we have a son together. I have progressed enough that I have hope that I can manage to co-parent better over time. I'm not there yet. I'm in Plan B for the forseeable future.

Isn't it funny how no matter how much people try to honor us for our accoplisments or hurrays for how we handle these hard times, you, me and so many others downplay it.

You are a pillar of strength and G-d is very proud of you. How you did it, well I would argue you let G-d lead you and kept trying until it was time to stop. You did it with grace, dignity, a loving heart and you did it in G-ds will.

The freedom of choice is on both sides of the equation. I remember when I first came on here and read this, personal recovery thing. I could NEVER have imagined that's what it would be.

I admired you so for your strength and I was so jealous of your M being what I thought was restored, but then I read deeper and I realized the struggles that you faced because the M wasn't improving.

What G-d has planned for us, I have no clue. But I do know we are better woman because of it and we are in each other's lives and hey, that's a good deal.

{{{{{{{{SL}}}}}

Have a blessed day my friend. The sun is out, it's hot and I am blocking out the day to spend at the pool and tan my body.

SL,


Where do your store the golden lasso & those really cool wrist cuffs?? I wanted to be WonderWoman when I was a kid,,,,,,,,,but there was also a part of me that really thought CatWoman was cool, too!

I agree,,,,it's different (yet similiar) for each of us. I can't imagine having to walk in your exact shoes, nor could you walk in mine. Yet, we have shared so much of the same journey together. I know I have learned from you and do so admire you.


YEP,,,,,,,,,,Me, too!

And that's quite alright for us!

Hope the rest of the weekend is good. Weather here is cool & overcast, forcing me to do my inside WORK. Well, obviously not right now! ha! Darn! Now I feel guilty and better get off here soon and get to it!

I wish there was more of it to BE good. Time passes pretty quickly on the weekends.

One wonderful thing. Me, DS and sis went to see Wall-E. It was fantastic. Visually stunning, and such a great story. We were also treated to a PIXAR short before the film began--real cool. I've always loved the movies.

Next up is a lovely dinner. I made some pesto sauce last week and am making some pasta with talapia and scallops and fresh zucchini. Yuuuuummmmm.

I appreciate the kudos. I suppose I should just learn to take a compliment instead of remarking on how much more work there is to be done. So, thank you.

Can I put dibs in for the left overs?????????

What am I talking about - - I bet there aren't any left overs, are there??

Sounds Fabulous!!

I requested that PWC not enter the house at all anymore, and that he FINALLY remove all of the things that he wants from the home.

He responded in what seemed to be anger at paying half the mortgage and not being able to come and go, as long as he tells me ahead of time.

Our separation agreement states that we are to treat each others' homes as separate, with no rights to either. I don't understand why I can follow this, but he wants the option of NOT following it.

I'm ready to be done with this whole shebang; move on, separate lives.

{{{{{{{{{{SL}}}}}}}}}}}

They simply don't understand the boundary deal, do they.

But fortunately for us, we are learning to.

It SEEMS to be partly the boundary deal, and partly that he wants CERTAIN aspects of separation, but not the whole deal.

In my eyes, separation is just that, no middle ground. Move along. He is free to do as he chooses with his life, as I am with mine. Isn't this what he wanted? Unfortunately, when you want something, it isn't always ALL good.

Like I want to eat chocolate cake all day and night (and, believe me, I could), but I could HEAR myself getting fatter if I did. Get it?

Most reasonable!



Most entitled!

What does he come to the house for now?



Most reasonable!



Most entitled!



Most reasonable!

And so you shall. Wayzilla was pretty big on the "we will still be friends" thing even at the last conversation I had with her over a year ago. But I know she did not want to be friends, she just wanted to keep tabs on me and offer the illusion to DD that everything worked out for the best.

Still deep down Wayzilla and PWC know they are the reason the marriages failed and will always look for guilt relief.


Me too!


For PWC and Wayzilla, it falls in the "be careful what you wish for", category.

Hey Fellow Bee,

I'm trying more for the dark side of the moon Plan B--the we no be no friends no mo Plan B. I'm just not interested in even KNOWING this dude anymore.

Luckily, I have some good memories of him that I can relay to his son some day, to explain that I once did love his father, and will always love THAT guy, but being around PWC is not good FOR ME. Our relationship is exclusive of DS's and his. There is no need for us to be friends. SURE, I can be FREIND--LY, civil, whatever, but I don't have a need to SHARE anything with him at all.

Seems reasonable to me, too.

Yup, me too.


Yup, agree with all this, too.


Me, three.



Good take, SL.

Fox

It's funny, but I think I am still a long way from there. We had a lot of great times and great years but I never think of them at all these days. It is almost like I was born 18 months ago and that is where all my memories currently dwell.

I hope as the years go by I can look back at those years with the fondness that they deserve. 25 years of happy memories is a heavy price for her adultery.

Stupid waywards.

Something happened recently, can't put my finger on it, something with DS, where I realized that I needed to hold some of these memories TIGHT over the next few years, so that they are not tarnished by whatever transpires, for DS's sake. I also feel the need to help him to understand that my marriage and the love I shared with PWC was REAL, and not disposable. I cannot speak for PWC. His actions show that love is disposable; people are disposable.

This is all probably because DS is nowhere near grown; still so many miles to go for him, and already dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. I don't want him to grow to believe that lasting love is not possible. I dunno. It's hard when love did not last for me and his father to teach him that it is possible. Maybe that is why I'm holding on to the good memories, so that I can at least show him that *I* have the capacity to work for love, to not give up.

Does any of this make sense?

edited to add...

This could be a reach, but I think I'm trying to hold onto the memories, untarnished or rewritten, because my mother did the same in regards to my dad. He was an alcoholic and abusive, but was not like that when they married and began having kids. The alcoholism did not take over right away. I remember her telling me that she did love my dad, and he loved her; that they married because they loved one another. She never elaborated on memories, though.

Silent:

This reworded para could describe your marriage:


Sound familar doesn't it.

Scary.

The sins of the father visited onto the son. And PWC's life wasn't all that great either, was it.

Time to change the locks.

He's paying HALF the mortage because he decided to checkout.

He's a PUTZ.

((S/L))

LG

LG, it's crazy isn't it. It sux that we cannot know these things about our partners before we marry. Would we choose differently if we knew? I can't say that I would or wouldn't have. What's done is done. I don't PLAN on making the same mistake again, but it sure does lead one to wonder if it's even worth taking the shot again. After all, there is not one person on this earth who doesn't carry baggage.


Preaching to the choir, LG--now tell HIM that.


Yes, he is a putz.

SL,

I understand about the 'reach' when it comes to retaining some good memory of the person he was before he was POWS - for DS. I'm with you on that.

I so absolutely love how LG can just make a point.

I could not say it any better than this -


No one needs to tell him that,,,, he KNOWS he is. And like Drac, there's little chance they will face it or own up to it.

Their problem.

Not ours.

{{SL}}

I have been reluctant to say this, probably thinking saying it makes it so, but I'm done. I'm out. NO more for me. I really gave it all I had. I made mistakes here and there, who doesn't, but I basically feel like PWC would have bent over backwards, contorting into impossible positions, IF he really wanted to save his relationship with me.

So, now, we are nothing. I can't see ever being friends with him. THat's not to say that I won't ever be friendLY to him in the future (some time FAR from now--I'm not ready), and learn better ways to communicate about our son.

Today, I don't give a care bout him. Today, I'm only concerned about our son. That's it.

I hope, as any fellow human being would, that he stops suppressing all of the pain he has to deal with and just deals with it someday, for his and DS's sake.

I have redlined the DONEOMETER. It's a good thing for me to be done. I'm glad that I was given a chance to recover my marriage, accept that it didn't work, don't blame myself for it, and am moving on.

SL,


Honey, you have actually been saying this for quite a while now, just not in so many words. I'm not surprised to have you bring it out to the forefront once and for all.

Nothing wrong there at all. Honest, open, healthy. I'm really glad for you. It's been quite a journey, but you are really at a very good place.



If this isn't PERSONAL RECOVERY, I sure as heck don't know what is?! And ya know what? It's where I hope to be someday. Well, actually that's not true. It's where I hope to be someday when the TIME is right, but that's a topic for another day.

You are one amazing woman and a true Goddess! Chin up and Chest out - - there's a lot of wonderful things in life coming your way!!

I didn't want to say it until I was really there. I am now. It's kinda like saying "it's all downhill from here" when you are still facing a giant hill. I wanted to be honest about where I was. I was still a bit wishy washy until I went to see my family at my UncleB's funeral. THAT'S when it came over me.

This doesn't mean I don't still find this whole situation so sad and destructive for our son. People keep trying to reassure me that DS is going to be just fine, okeydokey. I have to work on that one. I have faith that he will find his way, with a little help from us all. I just wonder what will happen along the way.

I can only DO today, though, and I plan on doing well by DS and myself.