Okay, I literally almost broke down in tears when I read that post. Very special James.

As a daughter whose mother didn't believe her counts of sexual abuse from her husband I cannot stress enough that you be alert to DS's statements. Proceed very cautiously here.

I hate to hear that your WW has even put DS in the position of having to recant his statement. That's an awful thing to do to try to get your own tail and the tail of your affair partner out of a sling.

((((CW))))

Yeah... thing is there isn't anything I can prove at this point. I can however demonstrate to DS that Daddy is taking him seriously.. and I know that he knows I believe him and I believe IN him.

It's just one of those things that tugs on your heart when you know with you is the only place your son really feels safe, and knows he'll be protected.

I was so glad to read this, James. I teared up, too. I know things are still tough, but this had to have eased your heart a bit.

And DSD's too.

I'm so thrilled for you.

Fox

{{{{James}}}}

{{{{DS}}}}}

{{{{DD}}}}

{{{{DSD}}}}

Together - loving - Outstanding!!

Hey... I got BugBombed too!


Yeah.. gotta say guys I'm still riding the emotions from this weekend. Such periods of joy and relief have been very few and far between in the last year so you'll have to forgive me if I cling to this bit for a little while longer.

No more ripples and the surface of the water has calmed again it seems. I know there's a bad undertow though, and I have no desire even to stick my toe in at this point.

She gave me all 3 of the extended weeks that I wanted which means that DS will spend a majority of June, July, August, and September with me, and I'll still have a week to use up later in the year.

One full week during the month and 3 of the 4 weekends each month will be mine. This is all assuming though that the judge doesn't change the status quo, which means it may only get better.

DSD's softball team didn't win their game last night so they're out of the local tournament. They are doing a charity tourney this weekend about an hour away so Saturday will probably be spent with us out of town. She's really become a leader in the dugout, and I'm very proud watching her go around and motivating her peers with her enthusiasm, even when the team as a whole is struggling. Great testament to the will of that kid to try making a difference despite circumstances.. I pray she never loses that as she gets older.

Work's been keeping me really busy thankfully, and I'm doing my best to keep up my relationship with God here. I'm more and more turning things over to Him and watching it work out for the best. Still praying very hard for His protection over the kids in this, and keeping my own eyes peeled of course.

It's a DS night tonight and without a softball game to run to as has been customary lately, I think we might hit the park tonight since it's supposed to rain most of the rest of the week/weekend around here (not as if we need it with 1/3 of the state it seems underwater).

Ever sit across the street, maybe having a coffee and/or a scone, observing people as they pass by? Well.. across from my little coffee shop I can see WW and WB nice and comfortable on the bench across the way.. waiting for the karma bus to come along.

As I emotionally distance myself from that entanglement I think I'm able to get a bit of the perspective I was really trying too hard to achieve earlier. You get right up close to it and it seems so nice, perhaps something even to envy.. they seem happy.. but as you draw back the focus and see what's surrounding that little speck of happiness, it's all ugly and disgusting.. and it's just a matter of time before that speck turns into the same yuck as the dreck surrounding it.

Sadly, it seems.. WW isn't the least bit interested in figuring out why she can't stay in a committed relationship.. maybe this roll of the dice will be better than the last? Nah.. I don't think so either.. She'll just continue to move through life victimizing her kids until one day.. she'll find she's old, bitter, her amazing beauty waned, her magnificent intellect fallen far short of its potential.. and worst of all.. she'll be alone.. and if something doesn't change in her between now and then.. she'll have no idea why because she refuses to truly look in the mirror.

Hi J-

Hoping that you had as good a Father's Day as possible...

Good point sushi,

James how are you doing dude? Not been around much.

Queenie

Hey guys..

I'm not doing too bad this week, and I had a really nice Father's Day weekend with DD and DS. DD felt really bad that she didn't finish making my present before the weekend hit, but it's like I told her, the best Father's Day presents I could ask for were two little ones I could put my arms around.

We pretty much just hung out together all weekend. DD's softball game went pretty good although they lost, and she's got another one tonight as a tiebreaker for the league trophy. This other team is really good, and eeked out a 1 run win two weeks ago (they got the final out with DD in scoring position), but the first time we played them we came back from 0-7 to win 12-8, scoring our final 5 runs with 2 out in the last inning.

After DD's softball game on Saturday we snuck over to our neighbor's house (who are on vacation celebrating their 10th anniversary in Jamaca. *envy* I could go for a few rum runners right now.....) and went swimming in their new pool (Yes we had been invited to do so!! I'm no pool hopper!), and then came home and had a very special movie night complete with my special hand popped popcorn with super secret mix of seasoning salts and I broke out the blender to make us some verra tasty milkshakes to wash it all down. The kids were in HEAVEN I tell you.. and I had a little piece of it myself.

Sunday we caught the Kung Foo Panda movie, and I couldn't help but think of many of my friends here as the 'Old Master' imparted words of wisdom to his pupil.. something to the tune of 'Yesterday is past. Tomorrow is yet to come, but today is a special gift. That's why they call it the present.'

No major ripples in my direction from WW's end, but I think I know why. Monday last she sent a rather scathing email to DSD's grandparents, chastizing them for having me around DSD, and basically threatening their relationship with DSD out of fear that they'd allow DSD's biological father around her as well if they wouldn't respect her wishes with regards to me. This past Saturday as I understand it, the safety got clicked off and DSD's grandmother opened up with some full-auto fire in an email to both WW and DSD's biological father. It gives me some hope to see them shake off the fear and take a stand for DSD. I know they're very limited in what they can do, but someone has to stand up for that little girl. I thank God for them daily. I just pray that DSD isn't made to suffer for it... it's such a sick situation, and the grandparents just couldn't bite their tongues any longer I think.

So I imagine that's why the cease in open hostilities at least from my foxhole out here on hill #9.

On another upside, my band's search for a new singer is complete.. well, sort of. We've managed to pick up the old singer, so it's a true reunion (minus one guitar player) for us, and I know we'll get back on track very quickly. This is great news for me because music has always been something I've had to get me through the trouble spots in my life, and getting back out on stage I'm sure is going to do wonders for my emotional health. Just having the release of the practice/songwriting process this go around has been therapy I'd have paid a million bucks for.

All in all things are good, still keeping a watchful eye for any odd behavior from DS.. but things seem pretty normal for the most part.

Father's Day reflection and learning: This Father's Day.. when it's all said and done, I know from what they say, the way they love me, and the way that they watch me, that I'm my kids' personal hero.. How they trust me in the way I have to force myself to trust God.. how no matter what happens they know that I am there, solid for them to lean on as we ought to come to know and believe in God. My children are learning a lot about character, integrity, and honesty from me these days, and I'm proud of that.. but my children are the ones helping me to approach the world with love again.. and their love and faith in me is my example of how to love and have faith in God.

Despite my circumstances I am truly doubly blessed by my kids, they are the best Father's Day.. every day.. present ever.

Good Morning Sunshine! That's what you sound like this morning! LOL...

Just wanted to let you know that IF you can not see the progress that you ahve made, we can! Kudos to you Big brother! (being i'm 4'11", anyone taller than me, no matter the age, IS a BIG brother!) LMAO

Have a super awesome blessed day!
Rin

Been a bit so I suppose it's time to do the update.


Spent a lot of time in the first half of the month with DS. It's not every day of course, but it's much more than I had been getting, so to be honest the majority of the last few weeks in particular I've been doing great.

Today though It'll have been an entire week since I've gotten to spend time with DS. It's one of those things that happens when it's her weekend with him.. I go Wednesday to Wednesday not seeing him. I know that my absolute minimum for the custody agreement at this point is going to be an extra night per week, and all of my nights are overnights as I can just as easily get him to daycare as she can. Sure it's across town for me, but I don't mind getting up early with DS if it means we don't have to rush so we have to leave to be home for her to come pick him up... ugh.. I really am starting to despise those conversations. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings into it a little, but it really kind of feels like when it's time to leave the park, or to gather his things together at the house so that they're 'ready to go' when she gets there.. it's kind of like 'the good time has to stop because she's taking him away'..

I don't want it to be like that for DS, and I don't want to create/fuel/build any resentment between him and WW.. I'm not sure though apart from just being open and honest that we have to stop and get things together because we've only got a little time left before mommy gets there to pick him up. *sigh* All of that could be stopped for him if we just did overnights and the only difference between her night and mine apart from who he spends it with, is who picks him up from daycare that day.

This is just one of those things that really bothers me. I know I can't let it consume me, but the theme for the last week that I've pretty much been on my own (DD has been so busy with swimming this week).. I've had a lot of time to sit and think.... all of this is so avoidable.. so pointless.. so tragic.

Yeah.. I know.. I need to CUT IT OUT but I'm not the kind of person who can just turn stuff off. It bothers me because I see that it makes DS sad, and hurts him a little every time we go through it.. maybe it'll get better over time, but DS should never have to 'get used to it'.

I'm probably going to take a few lumps for the following, but since this is pretty much my Divorce/Recovery/Self Analysis/Improvement journal these days, I'm going to kick it with a bit of honesty about what really has me frustrated these days.. what I'm struggling with.

Kind of like the exchange thing above.. the theme of the week really has been about how truly tragic this is, and how easily avoidable it all was.

I know I told you that there was some back and forth between WW and DSD's grandparents, and that the grands unloaded the truth bazooka on WW. Well, I saw the rest of the exchange this week, and in a moment of honesty WW laid it out for the grands as to what WB does 'differently'... that he puts her first, sits with her, is interested in her day, gives her a hug when she needs it, doesn't want anything from her.... Ok, so it's a little fogged out in places, but you know.. it hit the spot.. I no longer wonder what she meant by 'I feel like a roomate'.. and I know that we'd lost that intimacy and closeness that we had in spades at the beginning.

Looking back we had really drifted apart.. we weren't meeting eachother's EN's and hoenstly I don't think either of us were interested in trying.. we'd let little things build resentment and walls between us without either of us really ever noticing how we were contributing to the mortar.. just resenting eachother even more as the wall got higher. I can now -understand- why she sought out someone else, and I can truly own my parts of it, and what led up to it. While I don't agree with it in the slightest, at least I can wrap my head around it. I think it'll go a long way to truly being able to forgive her and move on with my life. I don't think though that I'll ever totally put away just how avoidable the destruction of our family could have been if we'd just found a way to communicate to eachother that we were missing the same things.. I honestly believe counseling would have ferreted this out and to the front much sooner.

So an increase in sadness at the pure tragedy of all of this, and just how 'easy' it would have been to put back on track.. but on the plus end of the scale, I think I have a much clearer picture of what really happened to our marriage, and my part in it's ultimate failure.. and while the irony is that we both wanted the same thing from eachother, but witheld it.. for me, understanding I think will be enough.. and I know I'll never make those same mistakes again,and will be on the lookout for myself if I ever slip back towards those patterns..

Still no word from my lawyer on mediation, though WW said last month she'd sent some dates to him. I suppose it's a wait and see thing right now, I'll find out when I find out.

Ultimately though.. it's been kidn of a rough week on certain fronts. I'm doing a lot of stinkin thinkin, but it's stuff I need to sort out within my head in order to heal.. so I suppose sometimes it hurts to get the truth, but ultimately it will bring you peace. I'll get over kicking myself for not recognizing the signs sooner.. At least I know what to look for now.

Last night was kind of hard as it was DSD's birthday. I didn't push anything on the phone, didn't beg to talk to her or mention the birthday beyond telling WW that I had a card for her. Girl's got a fresh $300 in savings bonds though coming to me from the Fed.. something that will get repeated on Christmas and Birthdays until she's 18. Grandparents said they'd tell DSD about it if I wanted them to.. not sure where to go on that though.. I'm sure it will seem to her and WW like I'm 'abandoning' DSD.. I'm still occasionally struggling with this perception.. especially days like yesterday. It's hard.. damned hard.

Otherwise, life goes on, pretty much. Staying busy at work with a new project, and the usual daily fires to put out. The band is fantabulous as we've reacquired our lead singer making us a full unit again. That ride's about to take off, and I don't know where it's going to go but it sure is going to be a lot of fun. Maybe it's my own misguided sense of entitlement here.. but I'm really looking forward to getting the emotional lift from being on stage again. My life just seems to be better.. I seem to be a happier, more content person when I have my music in my life. So call me selfish or childish if you will.. grown man out playing the rock music with his buddies.. but it's a release like none other to me.

I'll be spending tonight with DS and DD finally a weekday with no rush rush rush to get things done. I'm almost thankful that it's raining too.. it's been too long since we've just all three cuddled up on the couch together and read and watched movies.

I may even make my gourmet popcorn tonight... (I'll save a bowl for ya Guided )

Very insightful James...sometimes it's hard to look at ourselves and how we contribute to the process, but it's necessary. Sounds like you're going to be all right.

Hope I will be.. the alternative isn't an option.

Ok.. well I suppose it's been a few weeks.. time for an update.

Things have been fairly level for a while, and I haven't really been taking too many trips on the rollercoaster in recent weeks. I'm not spending a lot of time dwelling on the circumstances and TBH I think my Done-O-Meter is getting pretty close to pegged.

I know that I still have a great deal of love left for WW, but I fully realize that there just isn't anything on the other side to hold up anything that might bridge that gap, so I think for the most part I've just locked what love there is left away in the event of a miracle happening.

I don't know for sure that I've given up on the miracle, or if it's just that I no longer feel the need to pester God about it. Instead of praying for what I want, I've simply been praying that His will and way is revealed to both me and WW and our children, and that somehow He turns these circumstances to do something good in our lives. I guess maybe I don't have to struggle with having faith in that.. that much I can believe in, regardless of the outcome.

I did receive an interesting piece of mail this past Thursday. Apparently WW and her lawyer sent over a proposal for us to look over. It's a total non-starter however, as her proposal basically says that nothing custody wise changes, and to top it off she wants about $9500 for what she says she contributed to the marriage, and another $2500 for her boss/lawyer. These numbers however rediculous it is for someone who spent the majority of the marriage with me being the sole breadwinner for the family, and whose major contribution to the marriage was a butt groove in the couch (a handmedown/gift from her sister prior to the marriage which she 'values' at $150, and says I owe her half that) where she'd sit and read her 'romance' novels. She lists a bunch of stuff that I don't believe she has any claim to as 'marital property' as a majority of the major ticket items we own were mine prior even to meeting her, and the 'values' assigned to many of the items on her list are wildly inaccurate. I'll be talking to my lawyer in the next few days to devise a response. I somehow don't think 'Hahahah.. FU' is going to be the appropriate one.

I'm not sure at this point whether or not to counter with an offer as extremely slanted in my direction, or if I should try to be the voice of reason and make a 'fair' offer with a real attempt to get this done and overwith. I'm planning to sit down tonight and go through the list in detail.

I didn't trigger over the proposal. After the initial feeling of being insulted by it, combined with the dissapointment in seeing further concrete evidence that the woman I love and married probably never existed in the first place. I'm seeing more and more clearly now what a self-centered, greedy, and deceptive whore she really is. I'm just trying to figure out why the hell I didn't pay attention to the red flags early in our relationship. I loved her I suppose.. and wanted to see only the good in her.. and I completely lost my heart to her little girl.. I don't know if that's a good enough excuse for being so stupid as to promise my life and my love to someone who doesn't have the capacity to value it, or her own.

I'm not down so much today as I am dissapointed.. in myself mostly. I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on my past mistakes, only learn from them and not make them again in the future. I'm dissapointed that a woman with so much potential continues to denegrate herself.. I'm dissapointed that she holds the title of wife and mother, the two most important roles she will ever have in her life.. and she hasn't the first clue about how either of those two things ought to behave.

Life outside of these things however is pretty good.. I've been spending a lot of time with DD lately, and DS when I have him seems to be doing pretty good. I've only really been upset lately about the fact that WW won't agree to let me sign him up for T-ball through the YMCA. She says she doesn't want to just put him out there to play when the league doesn't have 'practices'. I tried to explain to her that it was an instructional league but I think it's more her effort not to open the door to additional time than it is any concerns about practices. Exposure to the rules and such isn't going to hurt him if he wants to actually play next year. The boy is good though and has a tough swing and a good throw which we work on out in the yard when we're together. On my end, I think I'm improving in my prayer life. I think I eased off there for a while, and I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm getting back to where I need to be I think.

The band seems to be doing pretty good and we finally got a taste of what the new vocals are going to sound like last night, and I have to admit that I am completely blown away with how good it sounds. Something to look forward to I suppose, as I know that I personally am a much happier person when I'm performing, and have that creative outlet.

I suppose, my question to the floor.. especially for those who have recently crossed the D finish line or are dealing with property settlements is: how much should I worry about her listing things that belonged to me prior to the marriage? Should I worry that she's wanting compensation for my pension at my current workplace (worked there less than 1 year before she filed)? Will the fact that I was the sole supporter of the family for the first 2 (of 3) years play into it? Is it reasonable for me to expect that since this was all her doing/choice that she pay for her own end of the D without asking me to pay her atty? Any suggestions on how to handle a counter-proposal/mediation etc would be helpful.

Perhaps you sould take full advantage of her financial position right now. Offer her 50% more than what she asked for...and change the custody agreement to reflect equal time with the two of you.

See if she is desperate enough to bite.

Jame's...it seems to be taking a ridiculously long time to get this all worked out. What is the hold up with getting the whole custody matter resolved??? YOur son has been living out of his home now for almost a year.

Unfortunately my financial position, having been strapped with almost all of the marital debt in the temporary orders isn't one where I can even give her what she's asking for.

As for why things are taking so long, I really have no idea. I assume however it has something to do with an overtaxed legal system and lawyers' paydays.

I think things are ramping up though as this is her first settlement volley.. I'm assuming at this point the proper response would be to make a counter offer and I'm further assuming that will end up being our starting positions at mediation.

Whenever that happens..

Maybe you could pay her over time. The suggestion is there only to see if it stirs her to give up the custody war. In the end it will be cheaper and YOU will be in a much better position with child support and future changes to the custody agreement. See what your lawyer says. Maybe you could pay her over time.

Anything that was yours before the marriage is considered "separate property" unless there were improvements made to that property during the marriage, then she would only be entitled to a percentage of the improvements only.

She may be entitled to part of your pension but I would think only to the percentage of the time you were married and the time it was in effect. That time period would end either the date you were legally separated or the date the divorce is granted.

She initiated the divorce, she should pay her own attorney's fees. Asking for attorney's fees though is standard and unless you challenge it, she'll get what she wants.

All of these though are really questions for your lawyer. I agree with MEDC, you should take advantage of her financial position at this point to negotiate a more favorable custody agreement.

I wouldn't overly worry about the items you owned prior to the marriage. She shouldn't even be asking for that stuff or her "share" of the value.

Make sure you have proof or witnesses that can vouch that you owned them prior to the marriage. She shouldn't be able to touch them in that case.

I got EXCELLENT news last night in regards to my custody situation. I'll post about it as soon as I'm back from taking DD14 to driver's ed.

That's the most important piece here - custody. In mediation, if you get there, be certain not to give up more than you are willing to give up. Don't let her manipulate you.

Fox

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

You didn't force her to file - she had free will. She forced YOU to respond - she should be paying yours.

I asked for it - WH did not respond - we'll see what came down in the decision.

Fox

Exactly. Shoot for the moon and negotiate down to what is acceptable to you.