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Thanks for the kind words...
I just got a message from WW... Just when things were looking really good... She sent me this:
"I just got an email from OM's dad. I am shocked and really pi$$ed that u sent him an email! That's mindblowingly stupid and assenine!"
Not sure how to handle this at this point. Obviously, OM's dad too k some time to read his e-mail...
I noticed that WW and OM were texting back and forth last night a few times. Not nearly as much as before, but texting nonetheless. This may put an end to it, I don't know.
But, just as WW was starting to like me again, this will be a step backward. Any advice on how to handle this situation?
I understand why she's upset. I want to apologize to her, but I assume that she won't understand my intentions.
BTW:
She sent me this e-mail after the text message:
"Man,...I am soooooooooooooo flipping angry w/you right now reading the e-mail you sent OM's dad. Your behaviour is outrageous. How dare you do all that you have done. How dare you ASSume what you implied. You actually e-mailed OM's contacts airing out dirty laundry. That's outrageous. You have put me many steps back now. MANY STEPS BACK NOW. I think you need a psychological evaluation. I would set one up since you have free time. "
Man, just when things were looking good...
Last edited by betrayedhubby75; 07/08/08 12:58 PM.
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She's angry about her own choices.
It's all just threats and fogbabble.
DO NOT apologise. The affair is HER choice and it is YOUR RIGHT to expose it to everyone.
She is more ashamed than angry.
Remember exposure is to an affair is like light to vampires.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Here is the message I sent to OM's dad: Mr. OM's Dad,
My name is BH75. You do not know me, but I must ask for your help in an unacceptable situation. Your 26 year old son, OM, is having an affair with my 36 year old wife, WW.
WW and I have been together for the past 6 ½ years. We have been married since November of 2006. OM and WW are former co-workers from their place of employment.
My wife, WW has been working and living in TX, since the beginning of June. We agreed I would I stay behind until our property sold, and until I was able to find employment in the area she moved to. Now I see this was a poor decision. Your son OM has recently spent over 1400 minutes talking with my wife on the phone since June 11th. Your son has also sent or received over 300 text messages to/from my wife, WW. This is behavior that I find unacceptable for my wife and your son to be involved with.
I love and care for my wife WW very deeply. Your son OM is an interloper. I am fighting for my marriage and will continue to do so. Please encourage your son to end all contact with my wife WW immediately, and forever. I pray that you will greatly influence your son to do the right thing...to walk away. I'm not sure of your relationship with OM's mother, OM's Mom, but I have a feeling that you are still married. I hope you understand how you would feel if you were in my situation.
If you need any contact information for your son, I can supply it.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or concerns regarding this matter.
Thank you,
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BH-
As many have said to others when (it's always "when") this happens: your M can survive her anger, but it can't survive having an OP in it.
Hang in there.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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Don't apologize for exposure, there would have been no need for exposure if she, and he, were NOT engaged in an affair.
Expect the WS to be angry, they always are. Light shined on "dark deeds" they would rather be kept secret elicits unrighteous anger.
Recovery takes a long time, but it cannot even start until the affair is ended.
Keep monitoring the emails/texts and be ready to present them the next time she gets "angry" and wants to give you the excuse that "she thought things were getting better."
The long haul, BH. Stay focused on the long haul.
God bless.
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Why would you want to apologize for exposing the relationship to OM's father? Are you sorry that you followed a Marriage Builder practice to assist you in ending your wife's affair?
She is still in contact with her affair partner. It may be just an EA at this point, but it is an affair. EA or PA does it really make a difference to you? They had made arrangements for him to fly down there to be with her.
When you went down there, you did not even sleep in the same bed as your wife. This gives you a good idea of your place in her life. It certainly sounds to me like she is cake-eating.
You say you understand why she is upset--Why do you think she is upset?
She is still involved in the affair. Wayward spouses are always upset when exposure takes place.
What dirty laundry did you air?? The fact that she and OM were getting together for a weekend? Is that your dirty laundry? I think it is the dirty laundry of your WW and of OM.
If you are still interested in re-building your marriage, I would not apologize. You have done nothing wrong. Stand firm on this. What do you mean that things were looking really good. If she is still in contact with him, how are things looking really good?
I'm sorry, but I have been following this thread and suspected that your relationship with your wife was not going to be re-established easily, based on your trip down there to see her. I was hoping that i was wrong about that. There are some waywards who "get it" quickly and are remorseful and end contact with their affair partner. Others continue their affair in spite of exposure.
Have you exposed to everyone? You might as well make sure that you have done so. As long as she is angry, you might just as well make sure that all who should know about the affair do know about the affair.
Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977
N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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BH75: Your weekend? Went well. You did the Plan A part very well. Your WW is cake-eating now. This line: noticed that WW and OM were texting back and forth last night a few times. Not nearly as much as before, but texting nonetheless. This may put an end to it, I don't know. No. Notifying Daddy will not put an end to it. It might HELP, but OM must make a choice NOT to do it anymore. And notice, as soon as you were gone, WW started talkign to OM again. She put up a good front. Oh, and the ANGER? Of course. Your reply? WW: I am doing everything I can to save our marriage. Letting people know what is going on, and that I am fighting to put US back together, is how we can fix this. When you have ended contact with OM, then I have no reason to talk to others about my efforts to fix US. Use your own words, but state that you are FIGHTING. That ENDING the EA with OM WILL make you efforts worth it, and your M better. And then LEAVE IT ALONE. Do what your HAVE to do. It is EXCELLENT news that you got fired. Dday for my A was on Thursday. My BS had the following two weeks off already, and sheing the state that she was in, he told my W to take off the rest of Thursday and not to come in Friday. What did that do? It allowed BS and I to be together. To talk, to learn more about Harley, to soley concentrate on us. Had those two weeks off not been planned, then I believe that our recovery would have started ALOT later and had been ALOT more difficult. We still marvel at the very narrow path that lead us to MB and Dday, and HOW, had somethings not lined up like they did, that WE would have probably blown up. IF, there is a higher power, you could certainly convince me of it AFTER that week. You may incur more debt in the next few months, as you try to figure this out with your WW. That's ok. It will be cheaper than a Divorce, and you WILL feel better if you give it everything you got to fix it. LG
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Yeah, I guess I am a bit naive to think that this will all be fixed so easily. Here is my reply to WW: WW,
I sent that letter to OM's dad on June 29th. I don't know if he is just reading it now, or if he has been waiting to contact you. I would assume that he has spoken with OM about the situation, and that is why/how he is contacting you. I stated nothing to OM's dad that I didn't state to your aunt, to your best friend, to my friends, to OM, or to anyone I have told about this situation. I only brought the facts of your relationship with OM to the attention of those who are close to you, myself and OM.
I implied nothing in my letter to OM's dad. I stated only factual information to him. If any implications were made, it was not on my behalf.
I understand that you are upset, and it is unfortunate that this is knocking our relationship back a few steps, as I believe we made a huge step forward this weekend. Where would our marriage stand if you received this e-mail from OM's dad last week, before I came to visit? Would things be any different than they were before you read his e-mail this afternoon? Would you still be angry if you were no longer in contact with OM?
I feel I needed to do what was necessary to get our marriage back on the right track. This included sending the letter to OM's dad. This included talking to your aunt. This included talking to your best friend. This included telling my friends. This included getting the support I needed from our friends and family. This included sending OM an e-mail and asking him to not contact you any more.
Our marriage can survive you being angry at me for what I've done. It can survive me being angry at you for choices you have made. We have made huge steps forward in the past week. However, our marriage will not survive having a relationship continue between you and OM. The truth of the matter is, we are making big steps forward, but until OM, or any other man is out of our marriage (i.e. no contact), we cannot fully begin to heal our marriage. I understand how it is difficult for you to end contact with OM as I'm sure you have built a very strong friendship with him. It's not my place to tell you who you can an can't talk to, but it is my place to stand up for our marriage and do whatever is necessary to fix it, including asking you to end your relationship with OM.
I am more than willing to go to counseling regarding this issue. I am willing to go to joint counseling as well. We both must realize that that is one of many steps needed to protect and heal our marriage.
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I wouldn't even respond to her about what she wrote. Just ignore it and it will blow over, just like it did this weekend. She'll get over it, but it's best not to get baited into an argument about it.
OTOH, what did OM's father have to say?
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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I don't know what OM's dad said...
I'd love to know though.
Surprised he didn't e-mail me too.
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To me, the most troubling thing of all is that she's still texting OM at all. Like I figured, she played nice while you were there, and went right back to being a WW the moment you left. Maybe it's time for you to start texting OM yourself. No overt threats or anything...just start texting him as if you two are buddies. Be as oblivious as you can, and take a non-response as an opportunity for your next sentence. "Hi, how r u, OM?" *no response* "Me, I'm doing well...there was a killer sale on pork chops at the supermarket"  *no response* "R these gas prices crazy or what?" Just drive him into a rage. Make him crazy. Do not stop. I feel like a moron for even typing things like "r u", by the way. I pray that I never become one of those jagoff texters.
Last edited by Krazy71; 07/08/08 01:52 PM.
Divorced
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A wste uv tm & prfcly gd abrvtd ltrs.  I'm a big advocate of leaving the OP alone almost always. (If you think they don't know the WS is married would be one big exception, and sending them a copy of a PBL is the other. Oh, of course the NC letter, too. That's about it, though.)
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Maybe the text messageing between them started with him digging into your wife about his father finding out what a scumbag he is. Perphaps it was notification saying he can't do this anymore because " Your husband is crazy!" His father more than likely tore him a new one and, in turn, tore into your wife cause he's too much of a coward to face you about it.
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Well, my PI buddy is ready to go to bat for you if you decide you need him.
Charlotte
P.S.) And thanks for asking about him because I hadn't talked to him in a while and had been meaning to catch up with him. We walked through fire together. In bare feet!
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So like the other thread, on this, everything is back to the drama of communicating with the OM. Forget the OM and just deal with you wife!!!!
You are wasting your time dealing with the OM what does he care about you or your wife?
Stop this insane drama with the OM or is he just the easier of the two to deal with?
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So like the other thread, on this, everything is back to the drama of communicating with the OM. Forget the OM and just deal with you wife!!!!
You are wasting your time dealing with the OM what does he care about you or your wife?
Stop this insane drama with the OM or is he just the easier of the two to deal with? Yeah. OM is not worth it. Don't give him free rent in your head. Charlotte
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"I did what I had to do to get the third person out of our marriage"
"Did you get the chance to wear that new outfit yet? You looked so good in it. I can't believe how much I miss you after only three days. Can't wait to get there for good!"
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Could be right about the contact with OM last night... Although, I'm sure WW would have checked her e-mail this morning. WW SEEMS to have calmed down somewhat, and is cordial this afternoon. Here is her response to my last e-mail: The reality, BH75, is that you appear truly unwilling to accept the egregious nature of your actions. You perceived that something was happening w/OM & me & went way too far to try to "salvage" the marriage. You violated my internet & phone privacy. You involved people that did not need to be involved. You don't understand how VIOLATED I feel. Those specific actions are those of an insane person. You don't get it that I WILL INVOLVE MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS IF I SEE FIT...YOU WILL INVOLVE YOURS IN THE SAME MANNER. OM's father (and God knows who else) was something totally different. This definitely NEEDS to be addressed in counseling; more important, I feel you need a psych work-up. You have to understand how NOT normal this is. Yes, you thought that you were "trying to save our marriage," but that doesn't grant you the freedom to behave like you did. Anyway, I'm willing to discuss this in counseling with her, and we'll see how normal/insane I truly am. I will tell her that, and nothing more... I know we need to get into counseling. However, how much of this stuff do we go into before counseling? It will likely be a few weeks until I get down there as I am getting our house ready for the new family to move in. It is obviously a sore subject for both of us to discuss, and given our track record, without a mediator/counselor, we will likely have heated discussions... I'm trying to change my behavior regarding how I act when talking with her, but I know she's not, as evidenced by the letter above. BTW, WW did let me know that she's wearing one of her new outfits today. She looks great in the stuff I got her. So, I hope she gets lots of compliments, and thinks of me as she's wearing it.
Last edited by betrayedhubby75; 07/08/08 04:17 PM.
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"I'm sorry you feel that way. What movies have you seen recently??"
You need to learn Reverse Babble, there's a thread somewhere and Orchid is our Queen at this.....
Do not apologize for your actions, just let her anger roll off your shoulder. Continue to state your desire to improve this M and meet her needs. Do all this is a firm yet loving tone.....her anger WILL subside....And get your butt down there......ASAP....not a few weeks....get there now.
You've been fired (sorry about that BTW...happens to many here, BS and WS alike...), so you have nothing holding you back from getting your repairs done and getting down there. Set a goal date to keep you on track....and then stick to it. And go down again for a visit asap......
not2fun
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Anyway, I'm willing to discuss this in counseling with her, and we'll see how normal/insane I truly am. I will tell her that, and nothing more Unfortunately, many boneheaded therapists will agree with her take on this. My ex's thought it was perfectly okay for her to remain friends with her OM and even go out to dinner with him at times. Make sure you either coach with the Harley's or a MB friendly therapist.
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