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"I just got an email from OM's dad. I am shocked and really pi$$ed that u sent him an email! That's mindblowingly stupid and assenine!" Seriously? OM's dad emailed HER? Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't that OM's dad confronted OM with the email and OM then forwarded it on to your wife? They were texting right? I think she's major pi@@ed b/c you pointed out the age difference betwen her and OM. LOL (just kidding) As far as her ranting, well, you knew that would happen. Big deal. Once she returns to sanity, she will see the sanity in what you've done.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Yeah, I guess I am a bit naive to think that this will all be fixed so easily. Here is my reply to WW: WW,
I sent that letter to OM's dad on June 29th. I don't know if he is just reading it now, or if he has been waiting to contact you. I would assume that he has spoken with OM about the situation, and that is why/how he is contacting you. I stated nothing to OM's dad that I didn't state to your aunt, to your best friend, to my friends, to OM, or to anyone I have told about this situation. I only brought the facts of your relationship with OM to the attention of those who are close to you, myself and OM.
I implied nothing in my letter to OM's dad. I stated only factual information to him. If any implications were made, it was not on my behalf.
I understand that you are upset, and it is unfortunate that this is knocking our relationship back a few steps, as I believe we made a huge step forward this weekend. Where would our marriage stand if you received this e-mail from OM's dad last week, before I came to visit? Would things be any different than they were before you read his e-mail this afternoon? Would you still be angry if you were no longer in contact with OM?
I feel I needed to do what was necessary to get our marriage back on the right track. This included sending the letter to OM's dad. This included talking to your aunt. This included talking to your best friend. This included telling my friends. This included getting the support I needed from our friends and family. This included sending OM an e-mail and asking him to not contact you any more.
Our marriage can survive you being angry at me for what I've done. It can survive me being angry at you for choices you have made. We have made huge steps forward in the past week. However, our marriage will not survive having a relationship continue between you and OM. The truth of the matter is, we are making big steps forward, but until OM, or any other man is out of our marriage (i.e. no contact), we cannot fully begin to heal our marriage. I understand how it is difficult for you to end contact with OM as I'm sure you have built a very strong friendship with him. It's not my place to tell you who you can an can't talk to, but it is my place to stand up for our marriage and do whatever is necessary to fix it, including asking you to end your relationship with OM.
I am more than willing to go to counseling regarding this issue. I am willing to go to joint counseling as well. We both must realize that that is one of many steps needed to protect and heal our marriage. Instead of explaining and defending your actions with a letter that she ignored and reacted 2 with yet more vitriol, this would been a perfect oppor2nity 2 send a plan B letter. Just my humble opnion. -ol' 2long
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Anyway, I'm willing to discuss this in counseling with her, and we'll see how normal/insane I truly am. I will tell her that, and nothing more Unfortunately, many boneheaded therapists will agree with her take on this. My ex's thought it was perfectly okay for her to remain friends with her OM and even go out to dinner with him at times. Make sure you either coach with the Harley's or a MB friendly therapist. medc is right. There are many who will look at your actions and look at you as if YOU are from another planet because they don't understand the MB concepts. This includes therapists. So remember that. I forget sometimes. Then I get "the look" and I remember. Charlotte
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One may be drafted up soon, depending on how this situation fares out.
There aren't many MB counselors in the area... only two within the entire state of TX.
Last edited by betrayedhubby75; 07/08/08 05:06 PM.
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OMF never e-mailed her.
OM called her up and chewed her out b/c his father knows what a crappy son he raised.
OM thinks less of WW b/c of what you did.
That's a GOOD thing.
Her reaction to OM's disapproval was to drop a couple of "You set us back! I'm so angry You're a crazy man!" bombs IN ORDER TO GET YOU TO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.
Got that?
That means the exposure WORKED!
That means you do it again, if you need to.
Instead of responding to her outrage, I wished you had focused on her contact w/ OM. You could have said, I don't believe OMF wrote you. I believe you have been in contact w/ OM again.
And I am greatly grieved by your lack of respect for me and our marriage.
Oh, and JUST b/c your WW says you took steps backwards, doesn't mean it's true. B/c BH, you didn't step backwards by exposing to his father.
You stepped forward.
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More disrespect from her. Don't deal with it. Delete.
ME BH 40 - FWW 39
Sons - 9 and 7
DDAY - March 18,2006
Married 10 years
Recovering
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BH75,
I thought perhaps I was wrong in telling you to go to plan B prior to your weekend visit. I thought perhaps you had pulled it off with a very good plan A.
With recents developements, I would have to go back to original idea of plan b asap.
Your WW is not concerned about her privacy, privacy is when you go the bathroom and close the door. She is, however very concerned about you invading her second SECRET life and ruining all her plans to betray you behind your back. She is very upset that you were onto her "camping trip" with her AP and spoiling everything.
She made false promises of hope to you this past weekend, and as soon as you were gone, she once again begins txt with her AP. Thus, since there is no commitment to NC, the A continues. And does so, I might add, with a cell phone that YOU pay for, thus enabling her to continue contact. You might want to think about pulling the plug on that account.
In a book from David Carder called "Torn Assunder", he states emphatically that unless the WS has true Godly sorrow for what they have done, there will be no reconciliation. The M may even last many years after, but true R will not happen.
Time for you to take care of yourself. You are so caught up in her drama, she is ruining your life. You even got fired from your job because of all the drama and trauma she is causing you.
I tell you as a fellow BH, SAVE YOURSELF!! Go to plan B and pull the plug on that stupid cell phone. Time to work on you and you alone. You cannot talk or cajole your WW from having an A. She will continue to protect her secret life, as long as it is meeting her EN to do so.
You have given it your best shot. Now take care of your own EN and self respect. LOSE THE DRAMA THAT IS YOUR WW!!!
All blessings,
Jerry
Eta: If you continue to trust your WW who has clearly demonstrated that she is untrustworthy, then she is right, you are insane and need pro help with that.
Last edited by shinethrough; 07/08/08 06:21 PM.
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[quote] "
I think she's major pi@@ed b/c you pointed out the age difference betwen her and OM. LOL (just kidding) I agree, this was my favorite part of the letter to OM's father. 
Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977
N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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Yup, you need to learn to reverse babble. I have bumped one thread up for you. Reverse Babble
Last edited by cinderella; 07/08/08 07:27 PM.
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On second thought, I would write another letter to OM and CC his father stating that you told him to stop interfering with you marriage and you found out that he is still in contact with your WW, and that contact needs to stop.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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I have been following our story. This latest development is revealing. She is all wrapped up in the idea of a younger guy chasing her as validation that she still has it. It happens. I do agree that you need to get down to Texas asap, no kidding, no lingering.
Your instincts seem solid. You know her, we don't, none of us here know her like you do. On the other hand, you do not know the FOG that has taken over her brain. That makes her an alien. Be careful and keep aloof from the drama she is wallowing around in right now.
The reality is that she is going to get burned and you are the good guy trying to protect her from herself. OM is a sleaze and his dad needs to stay on his case.
Larry
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Question - If you divorce, would you continue working and living in the new area?
Yes, I agree, be very careful selecting a counselor. It's amazing how many counselors out there think opposite sex friendships are okey-dokey, and buy into the invasion of privacy thing. To them, marriage is entirely disposable if the individual isn't happy...frighteningly simplistic. Since there are only a couple MB-trained in the whole state, arrange phone consults with one of the Harleys. Your W will feel comfortable talking to them - my Ex even at his foggiest enjoyed talking with Steve.
I'd suggest calling now to set up the first call, because it takes awhile. After the first call, one can arrange weekly calls as necessary.
I highly recommend counseling with the Harleys. The phone consults are MORE effective than counseling in-person, especially if that counseling isn't pro-marriage. I think it's vitally important for you and your W to talk to one of the Harleys. Later, when light dawns on W's affair fog, one of the MB weekend seminars would be invaluable.
Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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BH,
Keep your chin up. Go get a book called, "Man's Search for Meaning". There is a statement in there that hit me like a bullet when I read it. It simply says, "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior".
You're not crazy. Your WW is acting abnormal. You reacted "abnormally". I use quotes because you did the right thing, but it isn't normal for you to go and write emails to the parents of your WW's "friends".
You've done what you've had to and you are very sane in your thought process and approach.
Waywards don't like their secret little world to be exposed for what it is and to face the reality of their destructive behavior. They like to tell themselves things like, "I have already decided the marriage is over, so my cheating is ok. But it isn't cheating because I've decided the marriage is over."
There's non stop rationalization happening and your WW is justifying her behavior.
I stood up once to my exww about a relationship I felt was inapporpriate. I am very glad I did and I'd do it again. She respected me for having stated my objections and she stopped the relationship.
When she became truly wayward I was afraid to do the things that needed to be done.
You are hearing things that were said to me nearly verbatim. I contacted all the men my ex had gone out with and this was very upsetting to her. I heard almost all you've been told.
The difference between you and I was that I feared my WW's anger. You see her reaction as a setback, same as I did. It's not. It establishes boundaries and she'll be grateful you stood up to her behavior when the fog clears. Don't cower.
And I'll agree with the others that OM's dad very likely didn't email your WW and laid a new one into his son, who went running to your WW.
Contact between them is completely unacceptable.
Keep fighting the good fight.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Just checked the phone bills...
WW has been talking and texting to OM much more frequently.
The phone plan is still in her name, and she called the company yesterday to combine the two lines. She reset the account password, but not the online password. I don't believe that she knows the two are different. She's asked me to continue to pay the bill, but now I know she's still talking to him, I'm going to pull my phone off the account, and pay for my own line.
Time for Plan B?
We talked last night. We discussed the letter to OM's father briefly. She said, that OM's father e-mailed her and asked why he was being involved. He told her he wanted to remain out of the picture. I found it odd that OM's father e-mailed her, and not me to say such a thing. I'm not sure OM's father e-mailed her, but I'm sure OM did.
Do I tell WW plan B is coming? Or just send her the letter?
I should also state, we never agreed (or discussed) that WW would not contact OM anymore. I asked her to, but she refused. Should I give her one last chance before sending the Plan B letter?
Last edited by betrayedhubby75; 07/09/08 04:36 PM.
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I don't think you need to let WW know that plan B is coming. That would be like warning a child that you are going to punish them when they are doing something that they know is wrong. I think that the Plan B letter will announce it clearly to her.
So sorry that things are going this way for you. You may look back years from now and realize that this was a turning point for the best part of your life yet to come.
Corniest thought keeps coming to mind...Julie Andrews in Sound of Music...she says "Whenever God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." It fits. There is always hope for the future if you look for it.
HTM
BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).
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WW has been talking and texting to OM much more frequently. Yes BH, and you are paying the bill for it in more ways than one. Unless I've miscontrued things here, you told her NC was the very minimum to even begin any recovery. You state a boundary and your WW waits less than 24 hours before she completely trash's it. A boundary that has no consequence is not a boundary at all, merely a wish. Pull the plug on cell phone, Plan B and bounce it off Plan B experts here before sending it. Clearly state what will be required for your WW to re-enter the M and R. Boundaries without consequences are plan hope, not Plan A or Plan b. Get with Dr H's plans, not BH75's plan(s). All Blessings, Jerry
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Do not warn her that you're going 2 plan B. Don't give her more chances. Just do it.
And it isn't 2 punish her, it's 2 protect YOU and your love for her.
Don't state anything about her not agreeing 2 NC. Just tell her in the plan B letter that it's a non-negotiable requirement for you 2 stay married 2 her. I would go ahead and tell her that you know they've been in contact, and how you know. You won't be snooping while in plan B. You WILL separate your finances. It'll be up 2 her whether she wants 2 meet your requirements for marriage.
Make sure you post your version of the SAA plan B letter for suggestions. Resist the temptation 2 be wordy.
After you send it, you need 2 stick with it for a period of time, regardless of how hard she tries 2 break your NC. Because even if she agrees 2 your terms for recovery, she'll have 2 convince you. Simply telling you won't cut it.
best,
-ol' 2long
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Have you read up on Plan B?
Plan B is usually implemented after the BS has instituted a stellar plan A. The BS goes into Plan B when they feel that the love they have left for the WS is very low and in danger of being eliminated. (Love Bank very low and at risk of becoming empty.)
You need to get yourself set up for Plan B by disconnecting yourself in all ways including financial from the WS. You select an intermediary that the WS can use to contact you if they are ready to re-enter the marriage and accept the boundaries that the BS establishes for the marriage.
You write a plan B letter. There are examples on this site. One key to the Plan B letter is that you make sure that there is a route clearly outlined in the letter back to you and the marriage. You accept ownership of the aspects of the marriage where you are responsible. You let the WS know that you would like to have fulfilling relationship with them and that you believe you are capable of doing just that. Read the example letters on this site though, as I have never had to write a Plan B letter.
There are some concerns I see in your situation. You were not really able to implement a lengthy Plan A--you just had the weekend. You have been advised that it is unlikely that your WW will enter into a recovery program--she has a history of infidelity in that she had a relationship with a married man before she met you. At least that is what I remember from the earlier thread.
In Plan B, you go dark; there is no contact with your ww. None. There is only contact with the intermediary if she agrees to the boundaries that you need. You stop looking at her e-mail, on line phone bill, everything.
Are you ready for all that?
More experienced folks will chime in here I am sure.
Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977
N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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Would it be best to wait a while on Plan B?
I wouldn't say my love for her is low or in danger of being eliminated. However, I do not appreciate the fact that she is talking to OM.
My plan is to get down to WW in three weeks. I'm packing the stuff we need, and going to sell the stuff we don't. Either way, I'm getting ready to get down there ASAP.
WW has agreed that we need counseling. She also feels that we must be together to make things work out. However, she still feels that she has the "right" to talk to whomever she wishes.
It would be hard to disconnect from her, and I'm not really sure how she will handle it. I know she will be very upset, and will likely think that I've gone into another stage of craziness. My fear, is that she will totally forget about me, and just find what she needs somewhere else.
But, I guess if that's the case, I'm better off with someone else anyway.
Where's the best place to find an intermediary? Does anyone offer that service? (I thought Penny Tupy did?)
Last edited by betrayedhubby75; 07/09/08 06:03 PM.
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WW has agreed that we need counseling. She also feels that we must be together to make things work out. However, she still feels that she has the "right" to talk to whomever she wishes. I think this belief may be what Dr. Harley was referring to. The amount of effort it will take and the risk you will assume by moving forward.
ME BH 40 - FWW 39
Sons - 9 and 7
DDAY - March 18,2006
Married 10 years
Recovering
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