my girlfriend stopped over and we just had the most intense talk.

How are you doing?

ummm, not really sure, but are you asking me?

what did you and your g/friend talk about?

We just talked about our sobriety and WH. And what's happening and how we need to move on and learn about ourselves and learn to love ourselves. No different than here really, but putting voice to it was good.

Maybe this relationship is another addiction for you. What would happen if you walked away from it to see what it becomes? The concept of "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is truly yours. If it doesn't, it was never really yours."

Hi Queenie-

I'm at summer school (as the admin. intern) and took a break to catch up with everyone.

I have a book suggestion-"Peace Like A River" by Leif Enger. It's a really great story.

Gotta get back to work!

oh I absolutely agree that WH has been an addiction. The hardest and truest part is somewhere along the line I fell deeply in love with him and my world revolved around him. That was the biggest shock of all to everyone. I have to face that there are simply many questions and truth left unanswered as to what happened and somehow I will learn to come to terms with this and accept it.

I know that I love the man he could be. Whether he was or not ever that person, is left unanswered. My reality today is he is no longer a person who is good at all in my life.

I really have let him go. But its a grieving process that has all its gamuts. Today I am in more acceptance. Some days I am still in deniat this is happening.

Some days I'm so angry because it's not like I can go scream and yell at him and get any relief. He is sick and I wouldn't treat anyone who sick that way.

And some days I want to bargain, but I know that isn't reality.

So my reality today is my H is dead and I am a woman who needs to move on with her life and that won't include him. Will that include D, maybe, maybe not. G-d hasnt' answered me on that.

But he has answered me that WH is no longer safe for me and I am working very hard at just not thinking about him. Like filling up my days with laughter, sun, reading nothing special, meetings, my children although they don't want to spend time with me and just being still for the next thing to come.

I don't know what else to do.

HI JT,

I miss you so much. I really hope that I can get sometime and call you when I am alone and we can catch up.

How long is summer school?

How are you?

Would a ritual releasing of him help? A ceremony to let him go?

I know that was one thing a counselor suggested I do. And I did a nice job of it, too.

Made an efigy of him from a shirt he had left behind. Made him a boat with his name on it. Picked out a bunch of stuff that had connections to him including a portion of my wedding dress, a wedding invitation, and picture, a letter telling him exactly what I thought of him.

A friend and I went canoing. We paddled out into the middle of a river. I made a little speech, put him in the boat and put the boat in the river. Then I released him so he could float away. I SENT HIM AWAY. AT MY WILL, HE WENT AWAY.

Then, we paddled over to the edge of the river and ate lunch. When we finished, we went on downstream.

By then, he had sailed away all by himself - adrift on the river of life.

Someone suggested I sit Shiva and mourn his death.

I have really blocked that as an idea. I'm not so sure now.

Ok, I put my baby on a plane for 42 days.

Too much for me, but I had to let him go.

I miss him already, but it's good for him. I just need to keep saying it so I'll believe it.

(((Queenie)))

Hey honey, just a checkin-in on ya....Sounds like you are doing well, which it SO AWESOME TO HEAR....YEAH....

How's the break going???

Well, you and I have talked about the above at length before. You know I stuggle with the same issue and still do. But I am so glad you are taking such a pro-active stance with it today.....its a hard thing to deal with....

Anyway, just wanted to say hey.....

love ya hon....

not2fun

Queenie, did you ever check out "The Language of Letting Go"?

SL, do you think that would be helpful reading for Queenie?

That book is the shiznito-snip-snap-bam, in my most humble opinion.
It's a good read for those of us in Plan B, much less Plan life.

I like it because I can pick a random day (even if it's not TODAY) and find a new mantra or awakening. Hence, Guy's thread title about the gerbil lunging.


So, yes, I think it would be a good read. Even better, would be getting to the point that you realize this man/woman needs to step UP to the plane you exist on to be worthy of one iota of your time.

Beddy bye time for me, now. Much love...

Hi Not,

I have to be honest, the break is going AWESOME. I get my chores done in the morning, then go to the pool and sit around relaxing. It's like being on vacation. OOPS, I am on vacation. LOL

Hi SD, I actually have that book, though honestly I don't read it too often. I might try that.

This WOULD be one heck of a point to get to. I am so far from this, but willing to learn and keep trying.

Goofy me still believes I am the one who screwed it all up and am missing out. BUT, I am working through this by praying and pleading with G-d to keep putting people in my life who can help me walk through this and get BEYOND this.

The day will come when this part will be over. Just like it was when I felt all that guilt for how I destroyed my family. I believe it and have FAITH. I just want it to be today.

Sleep well, SL...

Hi Queenie (JT waving from the county with the "Loggerodeo")


You're on a "staycation"

I know how hard it is to let your kids leave, even if they are going to be having an awesome time. My YS has been gone for almost three weeks working at a horse camp. I'm sure he has been loving it, but he has no computer or phone service so I won't hear about it until Saturday when I pick him up. I have missed him so much!

OS just had his 20th bday (Sun) and he spent the whole day in Seattle with his GF. He had a great time, but I missed sharing any of the day with him. Oh well, it's good preparation for me when he is done with college and serving his country as an Army officer.

I've been thinking about you. Hopefully we can get together in the next couple of weeks.

Love ya'

Hey JT,

Oh good, I'm glad I am not the only one.

You know. I was by far the more independent one, and would NEVER have thought I would have reacted to all this this way.

Yes, let's get together.

How are YOU? How is your health?

Hey Queenie-

Thanks for asking. My last check-up with the oncologist was quite boring. Nothing exciting to talk about. I'm at 6 month visits now.

Woo-hoo!

I'm enjoying doing the "intern" thing for summer school.

Gotta head to bed. Maybe next week-end. This one I'm picking up my YS.

I'm so glad it came out good. I pray about you all the time and ask G-d to watch over you and take care of you.

I would love to try and hook up next weekend.

My son is going away this weekend which will be weird, but I am looking forward to totally being alone and not doing anything other than sun and meetings.

Sleep well my friend.

I'm glad you are enjoying the internship.

hope you get lots of peace and quiet and enjoy your alone

Hi Queenie,

Just thought I let you know that I am 'lurking' on your thread... you are working hard at facing challenges as they come... I am very proud of you... keep up the good work... and thank and appreciate those very smart and experienced and caring people around here that work hard at helping you face 'life as it is'....and in so doing....are helping me, too!

You're doing great, Queenie!

((((((((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))

Hi Luna,

I am so grateful to have so many people on here who are part of my life now and walking through it with me, calling me on my crap and helping me keep moving forward. And it's even better if it's helping you.

One day, I keep saying that, but one day I will be a vet who is going to get to give back and that's really what this is all about. Sharing, lives, sharing recovery and sharing our hearts and healing together.

So here I have been praying for truths and understanding. This is something that I have visited before, but it's back and I just need to work through it a bit more.

We can all pretty much agree that my need to control, my lack of letting go, and acceptance keep cropping up. Why is that? Well, because my need to fix, control, and my unwillingness to accept that the damage I caused was just too much for our M and I don't deserve a second chance.

This morning while talking to G-d, a thought popped in my head. I need to put it out here, and then in my journal so I don't forget it. My deepest pain is feeling the sadness over what could be. Not what was and certainly not what is.

My M was so not what I wanted and I had a huge part in that. I know that we both loved each other deeply, and not always at the same times. But there was a basic, love, caring and genuine commitment to make our M work. We just didn't have "recovery" in the equation.

Our diseases both brought up to places that are selfish, self centered and absolutely destructive. I have sought recovery and WH is still out there living in his disease. I feel tremendous guilt over this, and not sure how to get passed it, other than learn to accept it and change my behavior by making sure I don't become that person again.

Most of you on here have way more clear consciences than me and you are lucky. You aren't an addict/alcoholic that has wreckage of her past to clear away when the time happens. My biggest wreckage is to my H, not WH and so that part of my recovery is left incomplete until G-d allows or not. Because I don't know what the future holds.

Like James posted this morning, G-d knows the plans he has for me.

So, as I keep fighting with all my soul along side G-d, I keep moving forward, learning about what happened so I can be forgiven by G-d by not making the same mistakes. In Judaism we call that true forgiveness or teshuvah.

That's on the one hand.

On the other hand, I feel like I have done the work to make up for what I did in the M and that what WH is doing is so much WORSE and destructive and that I do deserve a second chance provided AA and MB principles are part of the equation for a new marriage. And when I am in doubt, it's because Satan is grabbing at me and I am biting.

And that's where the FAITH and TRUST in G-d comes in. I don't know what is going to happen, I want to hurry it along, and today I don't get to control that, but somehow keep fighting the urge and place one foot in front of the other and know that G-d has my back, my front and each side as well as my soul because he really is the one who knows what is best for me.