That is so cool.

Morning James,

I'm glad you had a good birthday. Yep, cars come and go and the right one will be there when G-d leads you to it.

This caught my eye this morning, {quote] I'm hoping my mental approach to things is a healthy one. I'm not going to lie and say that in the quiet moments I don't think about her every day.. I do. These days though the common recurring thought is simply how tragic and avoidable all of this really is, if she'd just put the effort into saving the M that she's putting into destroying it. Her choice though.. [/quote] This is exactly how I think lately too. AND



I had quite and awakening this morning in my soul that I am going to post about.

It always amazes me how close our "recovery" is, and how similar our waywards our in what they are doing and what they are looking for.

But the sad truth is and always has been it's their life, their choice, the children and us are just the collateral damage.

Yup.. same thing applies to a lot of things. One of my new mottos is that 'If God can lead you to it, He can lead you through it'


Sadly this is very true.. though I can't say I am suprised at how close many of the gangs stories are.. As much as they'd like to believe.. our waywards aren't special or unique, nor is their relationship(s) with the OP..

If nothing else, they share the same tragic fate unless they can somehow find their way to do as Jesus told the adulteress at the well.. Repent.. and sin no more...

I almost pity them.. but I grock the fact that choices have consequences.. and while I have been wronged, it is MY choice to forgive, and love her as God tells me.. and let Him dole out her rewards.

One of the keys for me is learning when G-d is leading me to it and not my will and thinking it's G-d.

Got an answer for that one dude?

EXACTLY and couldn't have said it better.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I
will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me
with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

{{{{{James}}}}}}}

Was checking in on everyone. Sorry I missed your birthday. Happy belated birthday! Don't have enough time right now to catch up on all of the posts that I missed, but I hope everything is going alright for you. Will try to catch up soon.

Thanks for checking in GC.. been missing you around here for sure, but I totally understand what kind of chaos you must be dealing with in your own sitch.

I met with my atty last night to discuss her settlement offer and take care of a little housekeeping/recordkeeping issues regarding my pension and some minor issues.

Bottom line is, she and I aren't going to come to an 'agreement' on custody... which means no matter what gets 'settled' or agreed to we're gearing up to go to court.. which means there's some cards we'll play, and some we're going to keep close to the vest.. and there are a few trump cards in there.

I told him that our 'position' was going to be physical custody with me, and her having visitation.. however we needed to get there.. whatever we had to do to get it done, we do. I did tell him that if she does decide to 'negotiate' on this however, my absolute minimum is 2 weekdays and alternating weekends, and all visits are overnights.

Now this will effectively give us a 50/50 split, which given the system and the 'status quo' I feel I'll be lucky to get in a judgement without being able to prove her completely unfit, which isn't likely to happen. That will eliminate almost all of the 'support' obligation, however that isn't why I'm asking for the additional overnights.. DS isn't doing well with the exchanges.. it's extremely disruptive and upsetting to DS when we have to cut things short, or even not do some things at all on the weeknights and on Sundays because I have to be conscious of the 8:30PM pickup time.. making sure we're home a few minutes early, and it effectively gives us, on the weeks where I don't have him a weekend a total of 8 hours together out of an entire week... that is NOT enough time.. I feel and I think it's reasonable to state that it would be much easier on DS to have all exchanges but the occasional exception happen at daycare.. as in.. he'll go home and stay with whichever one of us picks him up that night at daycare... It's way out of my way, but I don't mind driving across town and back again to take him to daycare before work on the mornings I'd have with him... and in effect if we were to do Tuesdays and Thursdays as my days.. WW and I would both get to at least have a short bit of time with DS EVERY DAY.. which I think without question is much better for him than the current arrangement.

As for the property, she and I are WAY far apart on it, and she's doing some obvious hiding of debt, and devaluing her assets while overstating mine.. The biggest example is the home value.. she stated in her 'offer' that the house was worth 135K.. and to support her claim her offer sent over a copy of the appraisal we had done when buying the house in '06 which even that was only 128... I have a tax appraisal done in late '07 (around the time she left) that values it at 115.. well, we weren't even 1 year into our home loan which was 123K.. and anyone who has done the home buying thing knows that inside of the first year you aren't building equity..

Well.. because her 'stuff' values and mine differ, and there's wild differences in the value of assets like the house and the cars etc.. my A suggested we have a guy he works with come in and appraise all of her stuff, all of my stuff, and the house... which I'm 99% positive will work out even worse for her in the long run as the home values around here have gone into the toilet in the last 2 years..

In the end though.. all that is just STUFF... what I'm really concerning, and gearing up for war on.. is the custody thing... and since I'm really no longer persuing reconciliation.. the gloves are coming off.. and though I don't let her wear my hockey sweaters anymore (dang she looked wonderful in them though).. it's going to be a knock down drag out.. Though fear not.. I've every intention of kicking her butt... compassionately.

Excellent, James!

Your reasons for a change in custody/visitation are very reasonable and focus on the needs of your son - while looking completely fair towards WW.

Make sure that gets in.

Do you have a court date yet? Maybe I missed it.

Fox

No court date has been set.. and it looks like once the appraisals are finished we're going to try mediation for the property stuff..

I'm pretty sure the custody battle though is going all the way to court.

Honestly I don't care about the 'stuff'... I just want DS to come home.

Is there any way to push the custody issue to the forefront and get a court date set now?

I see.

Make a notebook of just thoughts and reasonings for custody issues. Keep it separate from the property stuff so you can find it easily.

Many GREAT ideas I had and received from here got lost over the 1 1/2 years it took to get to court. It was tough trying to locate them.

Get a notebook, write them down as you have them. It will make a WORLD of difference when the court date actually gets here.

It ended up working out for me - but I was darn lucky. I DIDN'T say all the things I really needed to say.

Fox

Good question.

I REALLY regret not getting an interim parenting plan set up right at the beginning.

The longer you are status quo on visitation, the more likely it will stay that way.

If it isn't working - make a stink about it NOW. Give the same reasons that you gave above and that it is STRESSFUL for your boy.

Fox

I think that's what my atty is going to try to work out with her atty.. but we'll see how that goes. He seemed to indicate though that any decision by the judge though likely wouldn't be binding until the final decree though... which sort of confused me because if that was the case, what does it matter if we do it now, or if I bide my time and keep collecting her little screwups along the way and use it all at the end?

I know -your- answer MEDC is something to the tune of 'how long now has your son been in that situation'.. and believe me, I'm good enough at kicking myself about that daily.. and I know the longer it goes on the more the status quo.. but I think I've got at least a fair shot at the additional weekday and the overnights with the evaluator's recommendation..

As much as I hate to say it.. I think whatever damage is to be done to DS is unavoidable or has been done at this point.. the best I can do is try and help him pick up the pieces and build a life with a good example of what a man should be.. what a promise is.. what role God and our faith should play in our lives.. what character and integrity is.. and if I can spend even a little time every day during the week with him.. wouldn't that be making things all that much better for him?

This is a really good idea.. I've been needing to print out this thread and go through it again and pick out the bits that are still applicable to me, and the little inspirations that have helped get me through tough times.. I'll make a separate notebook basically dealing with comments I've made here about the custody sitch.. though to be honest, what I typed above there today about the additional day, and overnights I know I won't lose.. I've felt this way about it since even before the provisional hearing back in November.. it didn't come out in court then.. I think I was still too unsettled by everything to get what I wanted to say out.. but I think I'll have a much better grip on myself and the circumstances this go..

This is what my original attorney told me, too. He was WRONG. My new attorney said he would have had that done right away.

And it is in ORDER from a judge - it is binding until another order changes it.

Do a little more research on this one. That just doesn't sound right to me.

About the notebook, etc - I printed out my thread too, but it is so large that I know I missed things. Maybe you are more organized when it comes to that than I was.

The notebook itself could even be turned in as evidence. Proof that you and DS have had issues with this all along. Note dates that you talked to your attorney (and advice you were given) about what can be done prior to court regarding the custody issues.

Make a diary of sorts about DS's behavior during exchange times. That is even more backup to your solution on how to ease this for DS.

The little things count. Especially in DS's world.

Fox

Wow, I haven't seen this strength and resolve in your before.

This is awesome. I absolutely love the words of showing your son what a man is with so many good qualities. G-d can't help but be proud at you.

Writing things down is the absolutely best thing to do. Do you still get Charlene Cares emails?

{{{{{{JAMES}}}}}}

Wow Fox, what a great idea on printing out the thread.

I absolutely agree with you, with one addition. The more organized you look, the WAY BETTER it will be.]

Not just because people are telling me, but because I feel it in my heart and soul on this.

Document everything, conversations, thoughts, etc.

If the property settlement is going to take any length of time, and it will now that an appraiser is involved, can you ask your attorney to bifurcate (split) the two issues (with a motion to the Court) and try the custody first? You've already got the recommendation on the custody issue, so there's nothing left but the hearing or the negotiation.

It would means two trials, two mediations, etc., (if the custody issue isn't agreed) but it may be worth it to get DS stabilized while the property settlement is in the works. The divorce could be granted in the first one with the understanding that the property will be settled at a later time.

Your not kidding, Queenie.

I think my lawyer thought I was nuts. Everytime I walked into his office I carried with me two 3-inch binders packed full of information. My MB binder was left at home - but is another 3 inches - with little room left.

Most the time, I could find things in my information before he could find anything in his.


I agree with Queenie, too, about showing your boy what a real man is. Kudos to you.


Fox