Hey Queenie-

One of the books I read said that when we go through something like this, we have to grieve the loss of the dreams and the good times too. I think that's where you are right now.

And you have really grown so much in your faith in God. That verse has been a lifeline to me. It took some time for me to understand that when God says "I know the plans I have for you..." that God never said that He was going to lay them out for us as a map. It's enough to know that HE knows the plans, and trust Him to do it.

I have a verse for you, for those times when you look at the past. It's a promise from God to the people of Israel for the many times they had wandered from His plan.

It's from Joel 2:23-27

"Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-- the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm-- my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.

It's His promise to you. Hang on to it during those times.

O/T-I think YS has a horse competition thing one day the week-end of the 19-20th.

I'll find out and let you know by email you.

I get the dreams, but why the good times?

I like that scripture. Thank you.

You are one amazing person. I can't remember whose thread you just posted in about the whole piece of scripture, but I so trust you and your walk with G-d. You are what I hope to become like one day in your faith, knowledge and walk.

But that would also take way more learning effort on my part.

Yes, let's email and see what we can do.

Queenie,

I have never posted to you before but I have followed your story from the beginning. I admire your faith in God and your strength. I just finished reading your "Thanks MEDC" thread and I would love to send you "The Case For Christ". It is a very interesting read and I happen to have several copies as I have bought them to lend out and now have them all back.


If I havn't heard from you by tomorrow noon, I will just delete my e-mail address. No offense will be taken. I have always thought that it is good to be informed on all sides of things, (:

God's Blessings,

Say

Hi Say,

I'm honored that you have kept up with my thread. It humbles me that people take an interest in my journey, it also helps.

Thank you for your kind words. I am not perfect, obviously and you know I struggle often, but I do have faith in G-d and the strength I have comes from him.

The Case for Christ is the same book that Mrs. Wondering recommended for me. I emailed you, but I accept your offer and will return it when I am done.

Thank you very much,
Queenie

I don't know if I have talked about the finances, but here is a little update. I received in the mail the forms for child support and I am pretty sure spousal support. They wanted everything back by the 15th, but I got it in the mail today.

As I figured out my money I have around 70.00 to my name until the end of the month. In the past this would put me into orbit, but I am ok. I know G-d will provide what I need. And the truth be told, I can walk around town, I don't have to go to work, I can be lazy and hang at my timeshare - LOL (my apt with a pool), my kids are gone and food shouldn't cost me anything. So I am pretty good to go.

I know that there is money to come in and I just have to be patient it will arrive just as G-d needs it to.

The cool part tonight, my son came inside and said mom I did a mitzvah. He used a hebrew word to describe his actions. That is absolutely the coolest words to my ears. I'm so proud that my children have embraced their Judaism and live a life with it in there. I am proud of both my H and myself for this.

And then the last bit of news that has been having me worn out a little was I hadn't sold my season tickets to the Redskins. Well I had someone interested and he went and checked them out. He loves the seats and is going to buy them. YAHOO.... I can pay back my friend and not have that between us. I was getting a little concerned, but I had FAITH in G-d.

Queenie,

Just wanted to let you know I'm still around. Just being quiet and keeping an eye on you from time to time.

I'm here...

Mark

Hey Mark, How was the fishing.

I know you are around, but I miss your postings a lot. When you have time, I sure have the time for food for thought.

How are you doing?

Queenie,

Fishing was pretty good this past Monday. I just took the fly rod out for some fun late in the day, but I had a good time and caught a ton of fish.

I played preacher for the day last Sunday at our church. It had been a while since I had delivered a message like that and I didn't get it done till after midnight that Saturday night/Sunday morning and considered changing my subject and scrapping my notes until just a few minutes before I began

My topic was "The Will of God."

I'll post my notes or a transcript on my musings thread when I get around to it.

I had to work until 6 pm Saturday, had the sermon to do on Sunday, had Monday off and found out Tuesday morning that our sales manager quit. We scrambled all day Tuesday to put together something for the NASCAR Fan Rally event Wednesday afternoon till 10 pm last night, and then had to catch up on my own work today from Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

Tomorrow night we have a bunch of people going to the NASCAR Nationwide Series race at Chicagoland Speedway (about a yen minute drive from my house.) I turned the free tickets down (Luxury suite tickets at that with a tour of the pits, garages and hanging out at the Speed Channel stage) because I had something planned for my small group from church before I knew about the tickets and don't want to make a bunch of people have to change their plans for me.

Besides, I spent enough time racing and hanging around race cars that I'm not easily impressed by that stuff.

AND I HATE crowds, so 70000 half in the bag folks milling around aimlessly is not my idea of fun anyway. I can see the race itself on TV.

Mark

My goodness and I think I live a hectic life.

Ok, I am going outside my comfort zone. Nascar? Anything to do with the racing team of Joe Gibbs? If so, what do you think about Tony Stewart leaving to have his own team?

You know how I will LOVE to read your sermon on the Will of G-d. How fitting for me. Why thank you for writing it.

What do you do with the fish you catch and what kind or kinds?

How did you like playing preacher?

Enough questions for now I suppose. It's late for you.

I think Smoke will be a pretty decent car owner in the long run, if he can maintain the funding long enough. I don't know if Joe and Tony have had problems or if Smoke just wants his own team, which I think is probably the case. He has really enjoyed being a race promoter, probably a lot more than he thought and I think it has made him reconsider having his own team, which he said he would not like for so many years.


I fish most actively for largemouth bass, but also catch panfish like blue gill, crappie etc. I make a trip or two per year for trout if my budget allows for it and mostly I release whatever I catch right away. The exception to that is that I will keep some panfish every once in a while to eat, especially when I go ice fishing in winter.


I enjoy it, but it takes quite a bit out of me. I shared the preaching duties at our church, about once per month, for around three years. The thing that gets scary is the responsibility of being the one to be teaching others about God. You had better not screw that up!

I'll try to post it this weekend.


I actually thought of you a few times while writing it...


Yep! Time to get to bed...at least it was time to get to bed an hour or two ago...

Mark

Hey Queenie,
how do you pronounce Mazel Tov???
You didnt answer on my thread

Hi Queenie,

Just thought of letting you know some of the insightful thoughts that resonante with me, and for that, I thank you.


....putting 'one foot in front of the other' has been my motto for a while now...

...and I know, at an intellectual level, as a BS 'affected' and/or reacting to anything relating to WS... contact, indirect info. etc. may mean that 'I' am giving WS waaay too much power over me....yet at an emotional level... I have a hard time NOT doing it! ...and in so doing, at times, the long road ahead of me looks a little overwhelming...

...when under the 'illusion' that we are CHOOSING a path, one can at least FEEL up to the challenge and move along with confidence.... when under the 'illusion' that a path has been THRUST upon us, one may FEEL, at a BS-mode, NOT up to the challenge...and therefore, LESS confident...OFTEN times...

...the reality, I think, is somewhere in between...

...onr rarely totally CHOOSES/controls a path...just as one rarely totally LACKS control on an 'UNCHOSEN' path....

...again, as it often has been said, the journey is to find a way for the mind and heart to be in sync... in harmony... and in so doing...find peace in our hearts...which makes our EFFORTS all worthwhile...

I very much enjoyed posting to you, Queenie, and sorry for the length!

{{{LUNA}}}

I know it has, in fact I have used a lot of your quotes or mottos for a long time in my everyday life. Your wisdom and insightfulness helps me beyond words can express.

That's why they say to do one day at a time, and I forget this one as well.

And we certainly have no control over what's happening or do we have to like it I guess. It's not what we want, but it keeps resonanting in my mind, it's what we need at this time, for today. And through seeking G-d, it's our path to somehow figure out or let the answer come to us as to why we need this.

I think we go through stages with our heart and mind in sync. I think that it's much easier when the WH stays completely out of our life. It does protect you from the sick person. Our mind is usually the first to understand, but our heart hurts and our mind reacts to our pain. Which is a normal thing, would you agree? If there is pain in the body, our mind finds it and reacts someway.

So finding peace in this journey can only help the pain, thus giving our mind a little break and it won't react. LOL- how simply that seems.

It is an honor to have you post to me. I considered you someone special in my life and look forward to supporting each other on this journey of ours.

Hi Mark,

Where do you go for ice fishing?

It's hard to believe that anyone can have a problem with Joe, but I consider him G-d. Just kidding, but truly Joe Gibbs is someone who I admire because he walks his talk and always has. He is a man of G-d and his charisma is amazing to be around. Even though I have only been in his presence for seconds, I can just feel the sense of G-d and peace in his soul.

I want that for myself and am working very hard for that.

Well, last night was a very weird night. I'm sure many of you have felt my turmoil inside about what to do in terms of standing for my M or giving up. I have been praying diligently for answers from G-d. And in fact I don't post it often on here, but I have felt completely disconnected from him. Maybe it was the attention from men that I was allowing around me and the doubt creeping in or maybe it was the interactions such as they were with WH.

I have been praying hard for answers and guidance. During the day and for a few days I have been thinking that this would be a great time to start journaling again. I am able to put my words on paper and release them, I also believe that G-d somehow takes over in my writings at times and guides me.

I'll be honest, I have even been struggling with thinking what is the harm in going out on a date because I am so lonely for attention. And IRL, people think it's time for me to date and move on so I am getting encouragment from them.

I have also felt disconnected from the daily emails that I get from Charlene Cares. Didn't feel like the topics were applying or what I was looking for anymore. But WHAM...

Today's email is on journaling. And also the reminder about Moses, Aaron and Miriam.

For those who have walked with me on this, you know that my children are all named Aaron, Moses and Miriam. I believe that my WH is Pharoah and his heart needs to be softened as well as the scales removed from his eyes.

Some may think I am nuts, but this is G-ds message and sign to me to keep going. I am not going to lie and tell you how hard this is day in and day out. I haven't prayed for patience because I don't want things in my life that teach me patience, but I am asking for strength, perserverance, and to do the will of G-d.

I don't feel so disconnected from G-d anymore and beyond anything else, that is what I NEED most today. My close, loving, intimate relationship with G-d. Without that I will become nothing.

Hi Queenie,

Thanks for your reply, even though its your thread!

...I am doing much much better today...I have learned that the quicker I don't deny my pain...the sooner I get past it...

...and even though at the time these 'moments' happen I may feel like I am back at 'square one'...it doesn't take me long to realize that I am not really back at 'square one'... I am learning and applying the tools needed to bounce back faster.... to be less intimidated... to ACT vs. REACT... seek out support... better identify my needs.... enough so...to have to admit that it may be one step back but in reality it's compensated by two step forward!

...inspite of the slip ups, I do think I am getting better at taking things 'one day at a time'...


...so I am going to adopt this one now and see what I can learn from taking this perspective... thanks again, Queenie, for helping out, even though I know you also have a lot on YOUR plate, too.

((((((((((((QUEENIE)))))))))))

The people IRL that are your friends must not share your religious beliefs. Is it wise to spend time with such people. My friends did not encourage me to date, knowing that I was married, knowing that I would have been committing ADULTERY to do so. They would have been APPALLED if I did that, knowing who I am and what I believe in, just as APPALLED as they were at my husband. They thought of his actions as being EVIL and encouraged me not to follow his route.


Didn't you and I speak recently about this SELF-DESTRUCTIVE tendency when you are heading in the RIGHT DIRECTION...into the light... pulling you back into the DARKNESS...

I DON'T GET THIS ABOUT YOU....


Why do you think this is particularly hard for you, Queenie?

It's been YEARS since my H's affair. I continue to HEAL. I'll never be the same person. I think, as is understandable, you want to take the easy way out. There is NO EASY WAY OUT. You have to go through the FIRE.


Without that, THE EVIL FORCES will try to make claims on you.

Hi Queenie,


...this caught my eye...I know it's tempting...I encourage you to wait, Queenie... only because I find the need to respect oneself is usually greater than the need to get attention....

....the aim is not to compromise one for the other....but to place ourselves is a situation where we can have both! ....and that can only happen if you take the plan D path...

You and I can try and tell ourselves we are back at square one, but deep down we know we can never be back at square one. Why? Because we have been willing to do the work all along to learn and keep moving forward. We have worked through all the pain and continue to do so. Sometimes head on, alot of time I wallow in my self pity, but still we keep going on one foot in front of the other.

We are survivors. We will survive one day.

The best way to handle what's on MY plate is to leave it at G-ds door and help someone else.

That's the 12th step in AA. To carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs.

We are learning so much, and one day even now, you and I are called upon by G-d to help newbies on here and vets as well. We are all in this together, we share our lives, our bonds and our commitment to recovery together. I could NEVER have too much on my plate for you or anyone else in life. That would not be what G-d needs from me.

Oh well really don't want to go there. I have felt completely disconnected from my temple b/c they want me to D my H and move on. They believe I can do so much better.

I could maybe count one person who supports this walk with me, the rest think I am absolutely nuts. And so that's why I feel so alone at times. I feel like I have to isolate myself and when I do so, then the alcoholic mind in me takes over. Its a double edge sword.

Mimi, this is what the alcoholic mind does. My mind is out to destroy me. Yes, we did speak about it, and I am working hard to learn how to recognize it before it takes hold. But I can't talk to my sponsor and so it the thoughts stay in my head which is the last place for it to be. I'm really trying.

It's a pretty big FIRE I would say. LOL

And all this doubt, my sick mind allow for that to be a very easy breeding ground.

So aren't the TEN COMMANDMENTS part of your religious beliefs? I DO WANT TO GO THERE. Maybe you need to be disconnected from them.

Seems like a MAJOR GOAL should be to find a REAL support group.