MrsZonie

So I guess I continue plan A till she tells me about NC letter. I found out today by looking at cell records that she lied about not talking to him for a month. She told me 6 July that she hadn't talked to him for a month, I see call all the way up to 20 June, the end of the billing cycle.

I also see most of their calls are for 2-3 mins. Less than half an hour after I told WW I knew for sure and was close to home (even sent her proof of one of her raunchy texts) she called him for 38 mins, longest phoncon ever.

Maybe Charlie does know I know and WW isn't telling me. Why?

Prob very stupid question, if so forgive me.

MrsZonie

WW told me every time they had SF it was at charlie's aprtment. I just found out five minutes ago he has a roomate!

She told me she kissed him one time in the car going to get beer but that was it, all other times at the apartment...

I don't want to scare you....but I also think Charlie may be using rejection as a tool to get your wife moving.

OM will "break-up" with their married affair partner...then start dating as a means to make them jealous. If she "hears" that Charlie is shopping for a ring, it instantly makes her feel unimportant and insignificant. So right now she is CRAVING an opportunity to make those feelings go away. She wants nothing more than another contact with him so that she can feel superior/admired/wanted to his GF.

Charlie might be intentionally baiting your wife with this "GF".

She is soooo resistant to the NC letter because she probably is not totally convinced she won't ever see or talk to him again. To put that in writing makes her look foolish (she thinks...)
Or it makes her look controlled.
In other words, she wouldn't mean what she is saying....so she doesn't want to say it.

I guarantee her verion would look completely different than what you've proposed!

I think you need to put a timeline on the NC letter. She's stalling and whatever the reason is, the bottom line is that she is refusing to end all contact with Charlie. State the timeline as an I statement "I need to send the NC letter by 10am on Monday morning. Can you finish it by then? If not, I need to rethink our recovery." It isn't as much an ultimatum (although she'll hear it as such) as it is a statement of your plan. Then if she doesn't have it finished by 10am Monday morning, you send her the Plan B letter. You don't need to sit and wait longer than you want to. You are giving her all of the control by doing that. She either will do it or she won't.

I hate to say it but I'm not convinced that she isn't still contacting him...maybe trying to convince him to stay with her.

I think you're right that she probably told him that you know. There's no reason for her not to. If she tells him then he can be better prepared for anything you bring his way and he can help her to go deeper underground.

Also, when she continues to ask you about or defend her reasons not to send the NC letter, become a broken record. "I need to send the letter by 10am Monday morning or I need to rethink our recovery." Don't engage her in a debate about it. You have stated why it is important. She KNOWS why it needs to be done. Discussing it further will give her the impression that you are willing to negotiate on this and you are not.

Remember...I statement, broken record, follow-through.

HTM

Can you look at your cell calls online???

Wait a minute ... YESTERDAY you said that if she wouldn't send the NC letter, then you had your answer and would proceed to Plan D. Now after 24 hours of more disrespect, you're giving her an open ended timeline, while you continue to be her doormat, while she continues to cake-eat and humiliate you even more.

WHY??????

MyRevelation,

easy.

she said she wants to write it with me this weekend. I think she is stalling but I am going to give her the chance to write it. If she refuses then yes, show her the door.

We are going to talk about NC letter as soon as I get home. Sorry, that was taken a little out of context, prob poor wording on my part.

Did I miss something? When did Plan D come into play? I thought it goes, Plan A...Plan B...

Sorry. If you have already jumped to Plan D then I guess you have your answer if she refuses the NC letter. It's a shame though...I don't know you both well enough to pass judgment, but I feel like you could probably bring her back around with Plan B.

HTM

I guess I should add "hopeless romantic" to my tagline.

hicktownmommy,

no i wont file for divorce right away if no NC letter, I will start plan b. Mrs Z said it took her a month to write hers, I am not going to march in there, demand it be done today, OR ELSE,

BUT

It MUST be done soon.

Lexxxy,

If things were going fine before why go to that kind of trouble.

Break up with her and then date to make her jealous, for what, so they can get back together??? I don't understand the logic unless its one big cruel mind game.

I'm confused. I think it might be more likely she scared him, a single dude 35, with a married chick with two kids to feed and he wanted to drive her off, but hey maybe that's wishful thinking on my part.

Depends on how long their "affair" had been going on, and if he wanted more from her.

Its possible that he was giving her ultimatums about leaving you.
Maybe she was stalling, dragging her feet, not really sure about a divorce.

So....he breaks it off with her and promptly gets new GF. Its all really just a ploy to get WW moving the right direction.

I'm sorry, but that's just incomprehensible to me. Your WW is still in contact with the OM and you're allowing her to dictate terms to YOU of when SHE decides to go NC. Way to "Man Up" to the situation.

Also, you should probably read some of Mr. Z's thread before you go taking WW advice from Mrs. Z. She is NOT someone to be emulated in this situation. Granted, she is coming around now, but earlier on when she was where you are now, she was causing a LOT of needless pain to her BH through her actions and deceit, JUST like your WW is now, and Mr. Z is dealing with a lot of residual unnecessary pain because he didn't take the actions that you are being advised to take now.

And can't you look at your current cell phone usage online???

I use AT & T and I just looked at my calls through today.

So if you go to plan B, are you going to get the kids and bring them back to live with you? Or take them to live with your family?

My Rev,
You're right, he shouldn't take advice from me. I was just offering perspective about his WW's state of mind.

SWW,
It took me a month to write the letter, but Rev is right, don't use that as a reason to stall writing the letter. Also, I agree with what one poster said, HTM I think, that your WW has told the OM that you know so that he will be more careful about how he contacts her. As I mentioned, the OM in my situation texted me from his phone to my work computer to hide it from Mr Z.

Use my posts as information into what your ww is thinking. And, do take a look at Mr. Z's posts, especially the earlier ones. You know that post I sent to HTM a few pages back? If you look at the last link on that page, there is also a link to Mr. Z's first post.

Updated: Just found his post, it's called
When does the lying and the pain end?

Mrs.Z,

Thank you for taking my post with the proper attitude. I have no problem with truly "F" WW's ... in fact I'm very much in love with one, but you all are scary creatures when you're in the fog, and sww needs to understand the difference.

You see, sww, just because Mrs.Z is a rational person now, doesn't mean that she was and neither is YOUR WW.

You can be strong and have a shot at a good relationship with your WW, with just the normal post-infidelity issues to deal with, or you can remain her doormat and be one of the aimless, wandering, neutered, lost BH's that we see way too many of here.

In my 12 months here, I have NEVER heard the first BH say "I wish I had been a little more understanding with my WW during her A".

Think about THAT!!!

Of course she called him as soon as you discovered it.

She wanted to forwarn him b/c she wasn't sure what you might do.

She's lying to you, SWW.

And she will continue to do so as long as you let her.

I don't believe the A is over.

What's your plan?

The carrot side to Plan A will not end the A.

Because the drama is 50% or more of the thrill of an affair? Who knows? Shouldn't matter WHY OP does anything. Right?

I'm in the camp of she's either still hoping to resume the affair or the affair never ended.

Abso-stinkin-lutely!

That is what I am trying to get across. You need to start EXPECTING her to hold up her side of the recovery. It doesn't mean that she has to, but every action has a consequence and she needs to know that if she does not end contact with OM then you will ask her to leave until she does.

It is a deal-breaker. She needs to choose. And it is NOT unreasonable for you to ask her to do this.

If she is really done with OM and committed to your recovery, then she will write the letter. If she cannot write it...let her feel the consequence of her actions.

BTW...I'm glad it was clarified as to why not to listen to Mrs. Z because I think that she has added a lot of important insight. Just as a butcher can tell you how to dress a chicken, she knows the inside of a wayward mind better than a BS will ever know.