marymartha - do what you want to do, it is obvious you are going to do so anyway.

I asked legitimate, biblically based questions, to engage you in DISCUSSION, since you ARE posting on a site dedicated to helping marriages.

You respond with a diatribe.

I refuse to participate with your idea of a "Christian response."


Not at all interested in arguing, especially when YOU know nothing about me and simply toss DJ's all around to insulate yourself from actual discussion.


I hope you and the pastor get some very good pre-marital counseling before your resentment spills over into your marriage, especially on the "blended family" front.

Sincere wishes for good luck with your plans.

thanks "foreverhers." my post was in no way an attempt to argue at all. only to state my case...which is what everybody here does. these boards work best when we respond to others with loving, nonjudgmental advice, suggestions and empathy - not the judgmental, self-righteous view that you offered. but unfortunately, it's no surprise since it's pretty typical of too many christians.

best to you as well!

So you want to marry this man and have children with him and mother THEM, but you want to treat his other soon like a "stepchild." Your mothering this child should have NOTHING to do with whether the ex pays support. You sound like an incredibly selfish person who has no business marrying anybody with children. They'll always be "steps" to you.

marymartha - I was getting ready to respond with some blended-family suggestions for you to consider when I read your replies to ForeverHers.

He certainly does not need me to come to his defense, although I must admit a little upset on my part, seeing a brand new poster "strike" a six-year, 8000+ post board member so waspishly...when all he was trying to do was help.

No one expects you to be perfect. We aren't either.

But....

If you'd said anything similar to me as my pastor's wife, we'd have some big issues that I'd want addressed by him and the church council.

Anyway, depending on your reply tone...and interest...I would be happy to offer some suggestions and thoughts/questions on your home situation, based on experience.

Financial troubles cause most divorces here in the US because our hearts are where our treasure is. Essentially, we put our Money into stuff we Value. If a husband and spouse have different values, they spend their money differently. Case in point, as far as disposable income goes, my fiance's top priority after savings is travel. Mine is "nesting" or my home. So, we have to keep that in balance.

MaryMartha, one thing I've learned...Marriage can be really tough at times. If you go into with any major issues, they will be magnified a thousand-fold. Have you and your fiance read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement? If you force him into collecting the child support to make you happy, you will build resentment, just as he may build resentment by not collecting it.

I know you care for this man, but is this marriage the one for you? The dynamics that cause divorce don't end with the marriage. They are softened by absence and sometimes changed as one or both ex's learn different behavior, but that often doesn't happen until the chidren are grown. Plus, just imagine this. Your fiance is a pastor, that means his income is limited by the constraints of his parish unless he lands a mega-church. Just suppose, his ex wife suddenly comes into a lot of money, and your step-son suddenly has much, much more than you're able to provide for you children.

I don't know what exactly it is, probably just your tone and that may not be an accurate reflection of your emotions. However, I get the feeling you'd be much happier without a step child. There is nothing wrong with that, unless you marry a man with children.

I agree with Cat or whoever suggested a lot of counseling with a good trained marraige counselor, or family counselor.

I suggest that you postpone the marriage, and give it another year or two.

I married a man with 4 children and 2 step daughters. I loved him because he was a single dad and did it all. The mother of his youngest 4 is a drug addict and was always problem for us. She paid no child support.

She had problems more problems, and worse problems over the 15 years my husband and I were together. She never paid child support, and used the kids to extort money from us. All together we spent over $50,000 trying to get her on her feet.

Then there were the times when the kids visited her, and she didn't return them, did drugs in their presence, didn't make them go to school, didn't feed them, got kicked out of different apartments, and on and on.

Please don't marry this man. If you do, his ex will run the show. He needs to stand up to her and support you, and that includes getting child support.

CS is to be used for clothing, shelter and food for the child. If the CS isn't being paid and the custodial parent has other children from other relationships/marriages then that does effect the household monies available for clothing, shelter and food to that child.

For the sake of the future household after marriage HE absolutely needs to take HIS EX back to court and enforce the CS order. No questions asked. It's the right thing to do for HIS child.

But I don't think he will do that. Hopefully he will but it sounds to me like he is just like my ex.

Please don't get married, or you will always have an other woman in your marriage. It will cause all kinds of problems.

Your prospective husband needs to be a man and take precautions to protect you, his future wife. If you don't INSIST on that, SHE will be running your life.

Marriage is tough even when you have no "baggage" from previous relationships. Add to that the stress of another person's children and the unavoidable involvement of an ex spouse and the stress goes off the charts.

I was given good advice to wait. I ignored that advice because I just knew that he was the one and God had put us together. I ignored all the red flags. I made excuses for him/his choices. I did not take the time necessary to truly know him and all the dynamics of the R between him, his kids, his XW. I took everything he said at face value.

Now, 12 years later, I am turning 50, divorced, on my own. I am still allowing him to manipulate me and he is still allowing his kids to manipulate him.

If your fiance is doing things now that have you on this board trying to figure out how to handle it, that should be a huge RED FLAG to you. Trust me and the other posters......... what is a minor irritant when you're dating is a mountain when you are married and dealing with it every day. Right now, it doesn't really affect you. When it starts hitting you in the pocket book and he does nothing about it, it will get HUGE.

If you have kids and you can do less for them b/c you are having to do all for your SS, you will resent it and the sore will fester.

He is unwilling to take his XW to court in order to get for his son what he is due. If he is unwilling to stand up for his own son why do you think he would do it for you? And, if he won't stand up in this case, what makes you think he will stand up and do the right thing when other situations arise?


Just think before you leap.

MM, I reread some of your posts. You are going to be making a lot of changes, some of which you are not enthusiastic about, like moving into the home of his first marriage. Why is your fiance unwilling to move out of that house? You also you wrote that you were doing everything in your power to make this work. That is a red flag to me. You shouldn't have to do everything in your power to make the marriage happen. Yes, you'll need to make changes and adjustments, but the way you wrote it sounds drastic.

And then, there's the son who is uncomfortable with his mother, the flake. I think I'd feel better about the situation if I saw your primary concern being what's best for the child. It could be that what's best for this child is to spend little time with his mother and have an awesome step mother who loves him as her own.

I'm also curious about your other engagements that you broke. Why did you get engaged to those men? Why did you break off the engagements with them? Is there something going on with the men you pick/fall for that should be addressed? Often there is, but we usually can't see until after a lot of time has past. If there is a pattern, the pattern is usually rooted in your Family of Origen. Daughters of alcoholics are many times more likely to marry alcoholics than not, for example. A firm understanding of how your fiances past and present fit into the big picture of your life may be a good exercise before you marry this man.

I got this vibe too but I can't quite say why yet.

I understand that CS is to provide for the child, and that receiving or not receiving CS will impact not just that child but the rest of the family. I do understand this.

However, if you are choosing to get involved with someone, you have to take them AS IS. If he doesn't want to pursue CS owed to him, that is his business, not yours - EVEN if you have other children together. Why? Because EW doesn't owe YOU any money for anything. It is between him and her. It doesn't matter if he is right or wrong. It is still up to him.

If his receiving CS or not is the dealbreaker for you, I'd walk away from this guy regardless. It's not your money and it's sure as heck not enough money to base a marriage on.

I think I scared her off with one of my fits of bluntness. I did hesitate before commenting as I did, but then I thought it was something worth considering....

Or maybe the situation itself just scared her. Probably, though, MaryMartha wasn't getting the answers she hoped for. The vibe I kept getting was that she'd be much happier with a man who didn't have children from a previous marriage.

This is one thing that's troublesome. She put that in her signature block.

She said there had been domestic violence issues in bio-mom's situation. Understandable the boy doesn't want to go over there. And yet I get the impression MaryMartha is pushing. Visitation, child support...this child is baggage to her. I fear there will be a marked difference in how she treats this stepchild-to-be and future children after marrying.

It's one thing to successfully negotiate with a partner, and quite another to walk into a situation and start telling everybody how it should go. --said by moi, who has quite stubbornly learned the hard way.

"Overtaxed"...that word is really bothering me.

She has expectations of what her DF's expectations should be regarding his Ex-W. That's a compound expectation!

Agreed. MM is definitely not looking at the son as a gift. My fiance looks at my kids as a gift, sort of the "mixed blessing" kind of gift. But they are really precious to him, and he supports me putting them first.

Mary Martha, and all other posters,

My 2 cents. I recently reconnected with an old high school classmate, and we have been catching up. Her story vis a vis the stepchild/ex, child support, etc in a nutshell:

Her first M produced one son, she div. at a young age and met the second H. His ex had left him with their D, was really irresponsible. They married, and she had the joy of raising his child and her own. They never went after CS from the ex.

In time, my friend befriended the ex, the little girl's mother, and invited her to the house so that the little girl could have time with her. The focus was all on the best interest of the child.

She lost the pregnancy they had together, so the family consisted of the two children, and she took classes at local colleges through the years. Ended up being a physician (now retired.) Eventually her husband needed her all the time, as he became ill, and she quit work to be with him.

Meanwhile the little girl and her son grew up. She discussed legally adopting the girl to make her feel more secure and part of the family, and not an outsider. The birth mother, who was still in the girls life, objected, hurt. My friend backed down.

The birth mother became ill. My friend, being a doctor, took over driving her to medical appointments. The birth mother became foggy in her memory. My friend has a mind like a steel trap, and would answer the doctor's questions for her. They grew closer. Personnel in the MD offices assumed they were sisters, as they both shared the same last name.

The birth mother has died. My friend's husband recently also passed away. My friend revisited the idea of adoption with her stepdaughter, they completed the process, and she has a 40 year old stepdaughter and her own birth son, who thinks of the girl as his full sister.

This friend is a rare exception in terms of putting the children first. I don't think I could be as generous. But, Mary Martha, it could be a goal to try reaching. Even if you fell short, it would be better than the road you are mapping out.

Best of luck.

This is always a tough situation. For me, I loved my new son and always have treated him as if he was my own. But initially, it was difficult for all of us to accept our roles. I was used to going out on dates with my new wife, and that didn't happen much anymore. I suspected we'd get to spend our evenings together, and my wife would fall asleep with our son. Yes, I know that's common, but she didn't do that before we were married, and we needed that time together since we never had developed a home life together. It was difficult to take.

What the OP is saying is if her F makes $2000 a month and has to spend $500 on son for stuff, that leaves $1500 left. If the exW paid the $500, that would leave $2000 for other stuff. I think the OP is not saying "woohoo, an extra $500 for us to spend a month comes from the exW, give me the check I want to spend it."

I also think the OP knows that some financial burden and day to day living burdens are going to be placed on her, and she feels that she is willing to help out but wants the mother of the child AT LEAST to do what she is legally obligated to as well.

I understand what you are saying Wannabophim, and it is probably just semantics but I do see a problem here. Using your example, the F has $1500 "disposable income" to spend on additional family (her and future kids). He could have more money if he went after the ex. He could also have more money if he got a raise, a better job, won the lottery, inherited money, invested well in the stock market - all sorts of ways. Whatever the method, these are things that HE needs to do. If the OP had said I'm engaged to a guy but he's just a janitor and I can't convince him to go back to school so he can make more money - we'd be telling her to dump the guy and find one that already meets her standard of education/income. I realize children are no comparison to this, but I also think the issues have to be separated.

1. F has as son. Marriage to F will mean OP has a step son. Does OP want/not want a child in her life, particularly one she didn't give birth to?

2. F has a means for additional financial support but chooses not to pursue it. Can OP live with F's current financial situation without that support or is that extra money critical for her happiness in her future marriage?

In either case, it is up to the F to pursue the CS or not. Right or wrong, it's his decision to make and his action to take. The OP can counsel him or advise him, but she can't force him to do it.