hu7668, have you told your wife about your affair?

you said a few days ago:


Yet, your first post here in June 08' says NOTHING about your adultery. It only mentions your "unmet needs."

Did you tell your wife about your affair?

you wrote on 6-6-08:

Not feeling the affection - need help


To my amazement there isn't a whisper about your affair or the damage done to her. That is like talking about the peeling paint in the girls bathroom while the Titantic is going down...

Well I didn't tell here the OWH did. So yes she knows about it.

Sorry until I get the feel for a place I am not about to post my life story.

WHAT does she know exactly about it? Did you deny the affair?

Lets see did I deny it?? After she got the phone call how could I?

What you expect me to give you details? Do I know you?
She knows how long, that it was a PA and yes that I fell in love with the OW. The other details I gave her are between us and the MC, not some people on an anonymous internet forum.

um, what did you come here for, if not to work on your marriage? You sought us out, we did not seek you out.

Did you come here to get a haircut?

then what do you want here?

Let's see.....lack of details, attitude, defensiveness....troll?

Shouldn't the fact that it's anonymous make it easier for you?....just sayin'

something is missing here. A BIG something. This is why I want him to send his wife here.

Something is very wrong when a WS takes no responsibility for his affair and is focused ONLY on getting his emotional needs met when his wife is laying on the floor bleeding because she just found out he had a 3.5 year affair from the OW's husband.

HU...

Dropping the defensiveness and coming at this with a humble heart is the only way that works...

I know because I've been there...I also know the result of doing things the right way...A recovered marriage-one better than you've likely ever imagined...Many of the others posting to you also know this...That is why we post yanno...We care...Because we've been there...on one side of the fence or the other...

People don't post just to "bust your chops"...No kidding...

This is a great community with loads of benefits...I'd really like to see you and your wife reap those benefits...Whaddaya say?

Mrs. W

You MrsWondering sure no problem I will gladly discuss with you. But some of these others no, why? Because once I posted I was a WS I got nothing but grief. Followed with accusations about what I posted, trying to tie all of it together. Where frankly my original posts were my opinion and questions just that and had nothing to do with my affair.

Take for example MelodyLane says I take no responsibility for my affair. Heck there was a whole thread where I take 100% responsibility. Was that enough for folks like MelodyLane, no. Seems if I am not willing to throw my partner under the bus I am not following the "approved" ideas here.

So excuse me if I am a bit leery of the "help" some people here want to give. Because what I see is a lot of the attitude of punishment and payment. The make the WS pay and pay, tell you what I know that attitude will do to my marriage if applied to me. I will finish the walking out that I almost did, child or not.

BS here seem very focused on getting their due for what happened. So help from BS is not what care to hear. Now information from other WS that have recovered I am more then willing to hear from. Since I do have serious questions to ask you folks.

For those others that asked why I came here in the first place. It was to get information not to be judged. But seems a lot of you cannot serve up the latter without the former.

As far as my wife goes it is her decision to come here or not. I have told her about the site.

HU...

Seriously, in the beginning I spent time here trying to teach folks that I had figured out another way! I told them that there was "more than one way to skin a cat!"...LOL...I was defensive and angry...looking for a fight...very foggy...very much wanted to blame Mr. W for my actions...You know, "if he would have just been home more"..."if he would have talked to me when I called him"...and on and on...So I get it, I really do...

What you will learn is that you had other choices besides an affair for how to handle what wasn't going right in your marriage...And while it's true that there are things that can leave us VUNERABLE to an affair, the affair itself is a choice completely your own...The state of the marriage you and your wife are each 50% responsible for, but the affair is all your own BAD CHOICE...Do you see that?

And I asked you this on the other thread hoping that it would shed some light on things for you...If you had decided to have an affair with OW, but she said "NO!", could you have had the affair with her? Of course not, right? So do you see how her choice to have an affair with you leaves her partly to blame for it? That only makes sense, wouldn't you agree?

Mrs. W

I don't want to go over topics already discussed. I know the affair is my responsibility, I have stated that over and over. Yet people don't seem to be listening.

I will say I have used my wife not doing this or that as justification. No doubt about that, will not argue that fact. I stayed quite and did not state my needs, that also is my fault. But the interesting thing is I did not KNOW my needs until I had the affair so a messy catch 22.

I disagree with the opinions on blaming the OP. To me it smacks of nothing but shifting blame and I will not do that. My choices my responsibility, period.


I am more then interesting in know the following though.

How to fight the withdrawals so I don't break NC. Since that is always going to be something lurking in the back of my head. At times is a very large problem for me.

See because even though the affair ended months ago I am still debating if I stay or not. So I am also interested in the motivations that go FWS to stay and work it out.

Well HU, believe it or not, it really is all tied together...See, your posts betray your mindset...And long time vets see that, that's all...

MelodyLane has been a real champion for our marriage...She busted my chops a bit when I first got here...I needed that...I needed to hear that my "bs" (not betrayed spouse )had a very short shelflife here...I happen to know Mel personally, and what I can tell you is that she is here to HELP...Really...She's in a recovered marriage herself...I believe going on EIGHT YEARS...There is a lot of wisdom that comes with that...If you leave your defensiveness at the door, you'll come to see that...I "guarantold" ya!

I caution you not to turn off your ears towards BSs here...There is MUCH to learn from them...I wouldn't have made it to the other side without them...listen to all that take the time to post to you...BS and FWS alike...Mr. W (my hubby) also posts here and I know that he has helped many...

Really, try again...Take advantage of the wealth of knowledge here...I'm of the mind that I can learn something from EVERYONE, even if it's only what not to do...This place can be a Godsend!!! I hope that you will give it a chance...Something that I've found very helpful, is to guess that when I freak out over something someone here says, that it's usually ME...Look at yourself first...Examine your motivations and what is behind your REACTIONS...and choose to ACT instead...It helps...

Mrs. W

You make a convincing argument. I will be honest that being aggressive and defensive is my nature and is not going to change. Your right there are people here I have learned from, but people that start to "bust my chops" I will not listen too. Call it being stubborn but I will not listen to being belittled.

That is why I respect posts like yours that are tied to logic and reasoning. Unlike posts where people drag out other quotes to try and score a point. Because I look at each thread differently and I tried to not tie the subjects together. I multi-task well.

I have not freaked out about anything anyone has said here. I have gotten irritated by it, most based on the tone. Or worse when you take responsibility and still get hit over the head for it.

Actually you ARE WILLING to throw your "partner" under the bus. You have blamed your affair on your betrayed wife.

And no, you don't take responsibility. Talk is cheap, especially when a WS claims they "take 100% responsibility" and then in the next breath SHIFT BLAME and DENY BLAME.

For example, you SHIFT blame to your victim here:


and you DENY your responsibility here:


DENIAL, DISHONESTY, BLAMESHIFTING and LACK OF REMORSE is not a sign of recovery, it is a sign of a WAYWARD MIND.

You never really commented on my statement about OWH in the other thread, other than to say that you would win a fight with him. How do respond to my comments about how he is most likely feeling about you?...and, do you not think that, because of his GAURANTEED resentment toward you, that you may be overlooking the responsibility of the OP in the event of the affair?

I am a WS too, BTW.

Tell me again why I would want to listen to you? You do just the types of things that make me NOT listen to you.

Tell me what do you want to hear from me??? What would make you believe I took responsibility?

No crap I still have a Wayward mind, have you NOT read where I have posted (in this thread) where I am still deciding if I want to stay. Regardless of the affair?

You maybe one of the people most respected here, but tell you what your MO does not work for me.

What folks here are hearing when you say that HU is: "Yeah, yeah it's my fault, whatever, I get it, let's just move on..." It *sounds* as though it lacks sincerity...Can you see that? We've yet to hear you say something like, "This is all my fault...I've made such a mess of my marriage and hurt my wife so deeply...OMG, What have I done? I want to make this right so much." Or something along those lines...There doesn't seem to be remorse in your posts, but rather an attitude of "yeah, yeah, I got busted, it sucks!" Do you see what I mean at all? When you say "you people" it smacks of "I'm better than you...I know more"...Not a great way to get people to be on your team, wouldn't you agree?


Well see you COULD have sought out HN/HN and other resources BEFORE you chose an affair, right? I know, I didn't do it either, but OH how I wish I had of...I'm glad you are SAYING that you own the affair...Hopefully your attitude will catch up with your words...I have confidence that it will if you stick around here...


Okay, but what I'm asking you to do is to use LOGIC and REASON instead of FEELINGS, alright?

So let's go over this again...IF you would have decided that you wanted to have an affair with the OW and she said "NO!" would you have been able to have the affair with her?

Will you please answer that question HU? I'd really appreciate it...

See, what I'm telling you is that until you are ready to see that OW is also at fault, that to your BS and others here, it certainly appears that you are still protecting her...That you care about her...That she matters to you...Can you see that? It also says that you take no responsibility for your part in harming her BH...It feels good to "clean up your side of the street" HU, really it does...

I will say that I sorta understand your feelings about blaming others for your actions...But I'm not sure that you and I feel this way for the same reasons...dunno, maybe you can tell me...See I held myself to a higher standard than I did OM in our situation and so I see myself as MORE culpable, and yet if he would have said "NO!" there would have been no affair-same as if I would have said "NO!"...So it's a mixed bag, I get that...But it really does take "two to tango" yanno?

Mrs. W

It could be worse for you hu (ha ha). You could have us BS telling you a thing or two about your lack of accepting responsibility.

I really don't care about how he feels about me. My relationship was not with him.

I grew up not really worrying a whole lot about how other people felt about me. Unless those people were close to me.