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If my FWW's OM was standing in front of me and told me that "He didn't know me, so I don't mean anything to him", I would try to kill him.
Shortly after d-day, the topic of OM's BW came up...my W said that she didn't care about her...she had enough to worry about already, and "they had their problems, we had ours".
I reminded her that if the BW was half as angry as I am, she'd better watch her back...there is someone out there who absolutely hates her.
You can say the OP isn't to blame, but tell that to a BS. I'd love to burn OM at the stake. Your not telling me anything I don't already know or expect. Not to pick a fight with you or anything but you carry a lot of anger from thread to thread. Holding in that much anger is not healthy. You're right...and guess why he (and I) harbor that much hostility....because guys like you have slept with our wives. Do you still fail to realize (even with this anger shown toward you) that BS's hold YOU responsible for YOUR part in the affair? By not holding OW responsible for her part in the affair, all you are doing is, in a sense, relieving yourself from YOUR responsiblity in the affair as well...do you not see that? You can say I take 100% responsibility all you want, but you aren't doing it.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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"I really don't care about how he feels about me. My relationship was not with him."
The terms of use on this message board prevent me from saying what I'd really like to.
If you refuse to remove your head from your rectum, why don't you check out that site for philanderers? I'm sure there are many other WS who will agree that how the AP's spouse doesn't matter, because you weren't sleeping with them.
Unbelievable.
In my state, cruelty to animals is a felony.
Adultery should be, too.
Divorced
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No one here knows you, either. Does that mean we should ignore your quest for help?
If you saw a man dying on the street - would you walk by? You don't know him...so his life means nothing to you, right? Sorry I don't tie the BH to a dying man on the street. Not an analogy that works for me. But I would save the BH if I saw him dying on the street. But caring for his emotional feels caused by the affair not my problem. His wife brought me in and had the relationship with me. His wife is to blame just as I am for bringing her into my marriage. I am all for people that are willing to give help to me. But some peoples methods don't work with my personality, others do. You can see that by who I respond too. Direct confrontation with sorry does not work.
Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe we have a breakthrough !!!!
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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He is close to you....you slept with his wife. creepy thought but I don't know him. Therefore to me he does not mean anything. You are denying accountability for screwing this man's wife. You caused great harm to this man and his children. You are not taking ANY responsibility for the despicable things you did to this man and his children. So, don't come here and tell anyone you "take 100% responsibility" when we can see you DON'T. Like I said before, bullsh*t has a short shelf life here. Sorry.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HU: Holding in that much anger is not healthy. I'm sorry, that is just tooooo funny. Hey pal, you are so full of yourself, you urgently need a good dose of a purgative. In other words, you are either a troll or someone who needs an attitude adjustment. Wake up and smell the roses. These people are trying to get in touch with your humanity, if you have any. Larry Full of myself? No not in reguards to Krazy71, he has a theme going. If point that out is having an attitude, then ok. I just seem to be a bit different then some people that come here. I ask questions and I will defend my opinions. I will fully admit I need help and assistance.
Last edited by hu7668; 07/16/08 11:43 AM.
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Holding in that much anger is not healthy. Neither is sleeping with another man's wife. But, on the bright side....if I'm ever diagnosed with a terminal illness OM can kiss his [censored] goodbye.
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You are denying accountability for screwing this man's wife. You caused great harm to this man and his children. You are not taking ANY responsibility for the despicable things you did to this man and his children.
So, don't come here and tell anyone you "take 100% responsibility" when we can see you DON'T.
Like I said before, bullsh*t has a short shelf life here. Sorry. I was invited in so I don't harbor any feelings of responsibility. You may not like that opinion but it is my opinion.
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[quote=hu7668Direct confrontation with sorry does not work. [/quote]
I am going to suggest that you are hardly a good judge of what "works" and what doesn't work if you are 5 months past D-Day and are not even close to recovery.
Methinks you have been surrounding yourself with YES MEN who tell you what you want to hear, which is a big part of the problem. I have no other way to explain why you are so fogbound this far into it. Somehow you have been trained to think your bullcrap will walk. It doesn't walk here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do wish you the best in recovery, HU....for your wife's sake. But, I do not think that you are using this website to the best of your ability. You can rationalize "why" you don't want to read or communicate to BS's all you want, but the real issue on why you do not want to engage BS's is pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain......GUILT.....it's a b!tch, isn't it.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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Full of myself? No not in reguards to Krazy71, he has a theme going. If point that out is having an attitude, then ok. Of course I'm having an attitude. Of course I'm angry. Welcome to the world of a spouse who's been betrayed. You might have some idea of what a BS goes through, if the universe didn't revolve around you and your needs.
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Sorry I don't tie the BH to a dying man on the street. Then you have no clue what it is like to be a BS. If you have no sympathy/empathy for the BH, then you are discounting your wife's feelings also. Even as a BS, I would not wish the pain and suffering that we go through on anyone, INCLUDING a WS. You have much to learn, hu. For the sake of your wife, I hope you are willing to learn. Direct confrontation doesn't work for me either. Your response is under your control. You can continue the conflict or let it go. Fox
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I am going to suggest that you are hardly a good judge of what "works" and what doesn't work if you are 5 months past D-Day and are not even close to recovery.
Methinks you have been surrounding yourself with YES MEN who tell you what you want to hear, which is a big part of the problem. I have no other way to explain why you are so fogbound this far into it. Somehow you have been trained to think your bullcrap will walk. It doesn't walk here. I will counter you are used to getting your way by bullying people. Surrounded by YES MEN? You seem to have a whole following that goes thread to thread with you. Sorry to tell you this but different people respond to different methods. Your methods don't work on me.
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Therefore to me he does not mean anything. HU, you are the type of person that will eventually get what is coming to you. Hopefully it will be swift and severe and delivered at the hand of the one that means nothing to you now. I don't know you...and you are certainly lucky that you are not the OM I have dealt with. Your attitude would result in permanent changes impacting a lot of lives...especially yours. I suggest you either start maturing and caring about those people that you had a hand in hurting...or develop eyes in the back of your head. You may think you are a tough guy...but trust me when I tell you that a properly motivated person could take you out in a heartbeat. Since you seem so selfish and lack empathy...maybe focusing on self preservation will get you moving in the right direction.
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Direct confrontation doesn't work for me either. Your response is under your control. You can continue the conflict or let it go.
Fox You make a very good point right here. I think I will follow it. Until I have a specific question to ask I am not responding to any more posts here.
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I will counter you are used to getting your way by bullying people. Surrounded by YES MEN? You seem to have a whole following that goes thread to thread with you. Mel, does this sound familiar??? Think we have seen this joker before? I do.
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I was invited in so I don't harbor any feelings of responsibility.
You may not like that opinion but it is my opinion. As I said before, you do not accept responsibility for your crime. So you can't say you "take 100% responsibility." You do not.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No one here knows you, either. Does that mean we should ignore your quest for help?
If you saw a man dying on the street - would you walk by? You don't know him...so his life means nothing to you, right? Sorry I don't tie the BH to a dying man on the street. What if BH was dying because of a self-inflicted suicide attempt that was brought on by you sleeping with his wife? Would you still help him, or tell his wife that it's her job?
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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You make a very good point right here. I think I will follow it. Until I have a specific question to ask I am not responding to any more posts here. I'm so hurt...please don't deprive us of your vast wealth of knowledge. 
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My heart aches for your poor BW. I suspect that shortly her anger and resentment will kick in(six months is the norm)and you will find yourself out on your ear, a weekend father paying child support while your BW finds a nice guy to marry and be a full time dad to your kids.
Sad but true. Wake up and smell the coffee! You are so blessed that she is willing to give you another chance. With your attitude, my FWH would not have lasted beyoud my "I am so grateful he is still with me phase."
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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I will be honest that being aggressive and defensive is my nature and is not going to change.
I just want to play with this sentiment here a bit....
I want for the sake of debate and arguement.....that perhaps being aggressive and defensive...has not served your wife, you, and your marriage so well....
and that while it may your first impulsive response to a situation...that it is not as much as nature...as a choice...
the first choice that comes to you probably...
but still a choice....
you and I and anyone else....have first reactions....
but you and I and everyone can see and CHOOSE the appropriateness of the response...
I'll bet you that when your boss is telling you something you don't like...your first response is NOT aggressive and defensive...though you may feel that way...and you may want to say something along that route...you are smart enough to realize that in the work situation it doesn't serve you well...
logically then
perhaps in rebuilding...
recreating
and even maybe creating a marriage both you and your wife's spirits will thrive...perhaps it is time to change...time to learn and time to figure out new ways of communicating...other than what you call your nature....
people can and do change allll the time...
you can as well....and in fact it will serve you much better to be open to it...
here's some other things your post has me chewing on..
you several times stated that when you love someone you contiue to care about them and want to protect them......like you have done for anyone you have loved...
yet your actions where of the most unprotective sorts that one can do to one's spouse....
in other words.....
you didn't apply much protection to your wife...
Because even though I am over thought of "her" I am not over the thoughts of how the affair was different then my marriage. That is something I struggle with daily
this is where ownership and light shed on this issue can be helpful....
marriages do not exist on their own...they are products of actions....
affairs do not exist on their own...they also are products of actions....
in affairs....the WS and OP participate in thoughts, actions, and emotions that are given to one another...and held back from every one else...
YOU most likely spent a great deal of thought sysnapses on your OW>..
thinking of her
thinking of seeing her
thinking of telling her this or that
thinking alllll kinds of things.....lots and lots of cerebral energy placed on to and focused on her....
lots and lots of energy taken from your marriage....and misplaced in to the affair relationship...
you were probably more energized with the OW>..not because there are super powers that make you energized...but because that is what you wanted to be and present to her....
you were probably more charming with OW....
than with your wife..
more flirty
more witty.
more more more and more.....of you placed on to the OP....
and if that is the case...
if you did all these things....
the affair was different than your marraige because YOU created it to be different..
in fact the more sentiment and power you gave these acts and feelings and more it fed in to the cycle of the affair that it was different...better...funner....than marriage....
it's a vicious cycle...
it's new and brain synapses LOVE new things...
take a serious thoughtful look on every act you did in the affair..
your tone of voice..
your desire to please her
your desire to charm her...
I realize you had a long term affair....
did you keep the energy level up..or did you settle in to the familiar in the affair...
your affair was as good as you made it..
marriages can be as good as you make them as well...
I have one more question...
do you value nurturing...and do you believe you are capable of nurturing....someone else...
I ask this sincerely...not to make you defensive...because you really do present with an attitude of seperating your self from other lives...
that few people mean anything to you...
the betrayed husband...
even the fact that you view the other womans actions as her choice and the consequences her problem....
it's very interesting and I am curious if you can and do see yourself as a nurturing guy...
and is that something interests you at all...being nurturing...
and if you are being honest.....about the issue of nurturing..
if the answer is no you don't feel like you would want to be the type of guy that can nuture...or it is not natural for you or whatever...
that's an OK honest answer....
and I would weigh that answer heavily in to rebuilding...
cause marriage is all about nurturing...
and some people aren't interested in it...but they should be honest about that ...
and if you value nurturing
do you think you are a good nurturer...
or something you should learn better
have you thought a lot about nurturing...
cause your post sure made me think that you a much more black and white kind of thinker..
you give respect only to those that earn it...
you care about only those that care about you..
but believe me...I can be way way wrong on this....so I hope I didn't offend you too much
ARK
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