Krazy,

This is good!


May I borrow it sometime?

S&C

I agree.

She needs to agree to some things before you go down there, or you may be wasting your time:

NC, of course...she's got you to the point where she's filling you in on her conversations with OM? Are you kidding me? 2 years after d-day my FWW won't even say OM's name...even if it's a different person with the same name.

Transparency - Full access to cellphones, computers, etc...shouldn't be a problem if she's not involved in an A.

I'm not an animal-hater, but I'd sell that dog to a Vietnamese restaurant before I'd let it stop me from living with my wife for even one day.

Since she's had zero repercussions for her actions so far, she's likely using this entire time to figure out how to do what she wants to do after you move there.

Throw her a curve ball and feed her a story about how you found a home for your dog, so you can live with her right away. See how she reacts.

Good luck to you.

S&C,

Use it however you see fit!

this is sad beyond measure. I agree with Myrev 100%.

I see you picked up on that one too.

Seriously, how do you stand there and have a conversation with your WW about her and OM's most recent phone conversations??? Un - freakin - believeable!!!

What the he11 happened to the BH75 that was ready to fly to Texas to confront the OM and blow up their A?

another BH that has lost his nuts. It is an epidemic on these boards.

I think it's probably desperation...he's walking on eggshells, and tolerating anything she throws his way to try and "win her back". It doesn't help that infidelity makes you lose your mind.

I've been there...it's easy to get pigeonholed into the butt-kisser role, and it seems like she's playing it to the hilt. My W did, before I knew about the ongoing A.

He states that he knows of some limited contact. Not that he actually had conversations with her about HER conversations with OM. He was still able to monitor her cell phone via online and show the text messages (calls??), so perhaps that is how he knows of the limited contact?

K~

Perhaps you didn't read BH75's own words at the top of this page.

Closure contact is typical and to be expected in this situation.

His WW is being defiant as are most WW's.

As long as she doesn't follow through with a PA, then it's tolerable to an extent (if I were in your shoes and I was at one point). When you SEEM to be winning the war you can't march off the battlefield when EVERYTHING doesn't go your way.

MAYBE

I HOPE he's right and it's tapering off and over. It might not be and that IS a huge risk. But what's the risk really? He doesn't want to stay in Detoit anyway. They don't have kids. They ARE talking a lot and he's getting in a good Plan A.

Carry on BH. There are always BH's on MB that WISH they had behaved differently back in the day, myself included. I wish I had been tougher, but those regrets are long past. I know NOW tougher woulda worked but I understand you not having the confidence right now to remain as tough as you've been. I've been there. You won't know if this is a mistake for quite some time and there IS risk. As long as YOU are aware of that and your eyes are open, then you'll be fine.

I also presume you won't tolerate this forever. That it WILL become a boundary for you as you process this and get to the same city with your wife. Put it on your list..."I will tolerate nothing less than NO CONTACT with OM for life [eventually]"

Mr. Wondering

Yeah, BH, and you'll be in TEXAS!!! It's a WHOOOOOOLE other country!!!!

Plenty of great MBers here in this state fer guides if'n yuh get a hankerin' to explore and whut-not.

Charlotte

Yep, you are right.. I totally missed that.. Just went back, before I read your response, and saw that he did state she was telling him she had talked to OM, and was coming back to offer my apologies for my misunderstanding.

Thanks for the clarification.

K~

I feel contact now is tolerable... But, not for much longer. Once I get down there, and we get into counseling, I hope that our counselor agrees with us that it needs to stop! If it doesn't stop, then so will any support from me... But, for now, I am accepting it as it is.

If I ever find out EA went PA, I'm filing for divorce. I'm not sticking around for working through those issues. Someone else can have her.

I believe our biggest problem is communicating our needs to each other. I believe everything I've read in HNHN, and think those things will help to make our marriage stronger. We are both guilty of a LOT of Love Busters, and those also need to be addressed (that will be THE hardest part to overcome for us).

The A to me hurts, yes... but I understand that there are so many other underlying issues. And, if we would have fixed them years ago, I'd have never found this board. I am positive we can fix them. If I'm wrong, well, at least I know what not to do in my next marriage. I think she's going to be the one to have a hard time with adjusting.

I have contacted one (only?) of the MB counselors in the area, but have had no reply...
We may have to pay for one of the Harleys for counseling.

I can only hope whatever counselor we end up with will understand all these techniques.... Otherwise, she's sure to pin me as the crazy one for my behavior, esp if the counselor agrees with her that it's ok to talk to other guys in this sort of capacity.

Can't imagine how that would ever work in our favor.

Some of my mood change has come because I have been busy taking care of myself.

I realize that this is not the greatest situation for a 32 YO young man to be in. If things work out, GREAT.... If not, I WILL find someone else, especially in the area I'm moving to.

All is not lost.

I have found a place that's within walking distance to WW's residence. Sure, we won't be living together (at first) but we will be able to see each other and talk, spend time, etc as much as we want.

She is open to living together... Just not yet. She wants to get into counseling and start repairing everything before she makes that leap.

The most important thing to me right now is that she's willing to go to counseling. Once we get in, I hope that things start changing for the better.

Also,

thanks for the insight about being bored and married...

I agree, I do believe it's a maturity thing.

I've never been bored at home, because I have everything inside myself, and at home that I need to be happy and entertained.

Unfortunately, for my wife, there's an emptiness, that she doesn't realize. Not sure why, or what capacity... but she seems to always crave attention, and needs to be having "fun" especially now.

She wanted to get away from me for all the "drama" we had in our relationship. The stories she tells me about her roommates and all the goings on at her new place dumbfound me, because there is more drama going on there in two months than there has been with us in 2 years.... And yet, she seems to be fine with it.

Anyway, just more for us to cover in counseling...

So, when is the date you're planning on going down there? Any word on the job prospects?

Ain't that the truth! No place better than Texas!

What leap? It's not like she hasn't lived with you before...she's your wife, for pete's sake.

You are uprooting yourself, moving halfway across a continent, and on top of all that you're now a BH.

But make sure she doesn't have to leave her comfort zone for a fraction of a second.

WSs can be very bold, sometimes ridiculously so. I walked in on my FWW and OM because I went to lunch about 45 minutes early. They had barely gotten "started" when I got there.

She had actually PLANNED to be done within 15-20 minutes of my regular arrival time.

This is while we were living together. I wonder what she might've tried if I lived "within walking distance"?


I don't mean to be a downer, but if your W is so inclined, she could be setting you up for a HUGE fall. Best of luck to you.

I gotta agree with Krazy again.

PLEASE ... LISTEN ... to the "voices of experience".

YOU are doing EVERYTHING ... SHE is doing SQUAT!!!

... and FWIW ... counselling is a waste of time and money, ESPECIALLY since your WW is still WAYWARD.

I'm sorry, but verifiable NC should be a BOUNDARY for you to take another step towards R.

If you want to move to TX for a new job and fresh start ... GREAT ... but I wouldn't do another thing, except send WW a Plan B letter, UNTIL NC was firmly in place. Anything less, and you're just CONTRIBUTING to the problem.

BH,

I am not knocking anybody here, but I think there is some latitude in the MB principles. I think you like me think of the principles as lines instead of dots, goals not events.

When I was going through my trial, though it was very painful, I did make choices to be patient. I took lots of grief from the pros here for it too. I just figured there are things I could always DO at some point but once done it is not possible to UNDO. I did ask myself "what if" afterward. If I had done X, like the pros said, would it have ended quicker? Or would it have sent her packing for good? I will never know.

Anyway, I have read your posts and you have a similar analytical mind as I do. You will need to make the decisions you need to make based on that analysis.

I have not been posting for awhile but recently came out to help someone on the boards when I was posting that has new developments. I've been following your threads for some time and thought I would add my 2 cents.

SBS

Sucks, but it seems to be universal with Waywards. The BS has to do it all for awhile. In my case, patience in this area has paid off and my FWW is once again a giver, not just a taker.