lol this is to funny

hu,

Now that we have taken the Lipton break, we can maybe get back on your topic!!!???


BTW - it was very nice not to have to be the one to "out" you on posting as your wife. That was so obvious that everyone saw it - it didn't even take an "expert" to see it. I like it when folks are brought to the light of the truth.

You know, the light of truth works IRL, too.

Here is why you need to tell your wife.

I found out about my FWH's affair accidentally - I found photos of his OW's skanky self on his computer. I was looking for something on his computer FOR MY DAUGHTER. Could you imagine what would have happened if she had been standing behind me and that photo of his OW and her naked breasts and glaringly AWFUL make-up job had appeared??????

Not to mention the total shock of my reaction - knowing instantly what the photo meant? And the fallout, right then and there, of d-day, with her standing in front of the computer with the photo.................

Lord.

I can think of any number of scenarios of how I could have found out about his affair, 1,000 different ways.

But if I had a choice of how to find out, I would choose him telling me. I would rather have had him arrange a time when we could have a couple of days alone together, uninterrupted. When he and I could just talk, and he set it up.

I would want him to make sure that I had plenty of Kleenex, and water, and Tylenol (crying makes me have a headache).

I would want him to have a "no contact" letter already written.

I would want him to have the Harley books available, and ALREADY READ by HIM, so he could tell me that he knew a way to save the marriage, that he knew of a plan for recovering marriages after affairs, and that he was 100% on board with this plan.

He would have already scheduled a counseling session with the Harleys, in order to PROVE to me that he was serious. Maybe he would already have spoken with the Harleys on his own in order to gain insight and guidance in how to go about guiding me through this very difficult day - a day I would never forget and never want to relive, although I would relive time and time again over the next two years.

He would have his passwords and cellphone information ready for me and written down. He would have the information regarding the other woman written down for me. He would have available for me the information regarding the OW's H in case I needed to confirm anything with him.

My WH would sit me down and tell me with sincerity that he had an affair, and that he wanted to recover the marriage. That he knew he was 100% responsible for the affair, and that his OTHER WOMAN also was responsible for her part in the affair. That he vowed never to contact her or her family in any way ever again, for life. I would want him to tell me that he had made an awful choice, and that he had started doing it knowing it was wrong, and continued it knowing it was wrong. I would want him to admit to the feelings he had from the start, and to explain to me what happened, without the following responses:

I don't know
That is between me and the OW
That is between the OW and her H
I'm not comfortable disclosing that information
I swore to OW I wouldn't tell you that information
You don't need that information
You don't really want to know that information
If I tell you that, it will only hurt you
I'm not telling you so I can protect you
If only you had...It's your fault because...You never...You didn't give me....You should have... or any other sentence that attempts to blame the betrayed spouse for the affair

If he didn't recall information, I would want him to tell me his best recollection of the information, or make an attempt to find out and get back to me. I would want him to try to remember the best he could.

I would want him to tell me lovingly, and calmly. I would want him to hold me when I cried, and not yell back when I yelled at him.

I would want him to say, "YES, YOU ARE RIGHT FOR BEING ANGRY, HURT, DESTROYED, INCAPACITATED, HUMILIATED, DEVASTATED, CRAZED, SHOCKED, PANICKED, AND WHATEVER OTHER EMOTION YOU ARE FEELING."
And I would want him to let me feel those things, and love me through each and every one of them, because he should expect that I will go through them - rapidly - on the day he tells me of his affair.

I would want him to just expect me to be hurt, and range from topic to topic, emotion to emotion, and to know that what I do and say on d-day may change from moment to moment.........and may change the next day, too.

I would want him to love me through the entire event.

Because to do otherwise is to stab me in the heart, and then complain about the blood on the floor.

SB

Simply awesome, SB....simply awesome.

Ouch. Is that how you live your life??? You walk all over people unless:


And you were not close with your wife? Ever? Not since the day you met her? Because you hurt her in the worst way possible.

No, you have slaughtered her. Weather she knows the whole truth or not, you have.

HU, I promise that when the fog clears and you SEE what you did and how YOU have singlehandedly destraoyed the ONE relationship that could ACTUALLY fulfill you, you will not feel this way. You will realize that OW is an evil creature who assisted you in destroying a very sacred union ~ your marriage.

My H's affair has been over for 16 months now. Two nights ago we got into a discussion and he compared the thoughts of his A and the OW to "f*cking a prostitute in some dirty hotel room".

And I said "But that isn't what you did and that isn't who she was!". And he hung his head and said "She might as well have been."

OW now means nothing more to him than a prostitute. He almost lost his family over someone he equates to nothing more than that.

I hate to break it to you, but you ACTED like a child.

You:

lied
cheated
and snuck around

...just like a child would do. Grown-ups don't do these things. That is what part of what makes us "grown up".

Being accountable and considerate to your wife (THAT is what you are doing when you "check in"), IS the grown up thing to do.

That is what we do when we learn to be considerate and loving towards others, especially our spouse.

Resenting this means you are stuck in a 15 year-old's mindset, one where you are resentful because you are being asked to be considerate and loving.

Ok, I just read some more of this thread...

So, you have not told your W yet. Yikes.

Please, LISTEN UP HERE, HU:

I am the BS. It hurt like pure, unadulterated H*LL when I found out about my H's affair. NOTHING could have been worse.

I am not a drama queen and for the most part I keep hurt and pain to myself.

But this has brought me to my knees, more than once. I do not remember most of what occurred the night that I found out ~ I was awake and conscious but it is like I blacked out ~ I only remember some parts of it. My sister, BIL and others who were there have filled me in. I fell to the ground in a heaping pile of a sobbing, incoherent, intolerably hurt woman.

I guess it is a self-defense mechanism...it hurt too much and my heart couldn't handle it...I blacked out.

HOW.
EV.
ER.

We are now working on our M. My husband is a MUCH better H and father than he has EVER been. He WANTS to make these changes, because FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS. He knows that the more he shows me he loves and cherishes me, the more he will FEEL that way.

I have made changes as well (I still have more to make...as he becomes better, it is encouraging and motivating ME to become a better wife as well. I want to be nothing short of the most cherished and loved woman around, and I know that how I treat him will directly impact how he treats me).

My H told me a few nights ago that he has never been more in love with me than he is NOW. We spend all of our free time together ~ voluntarily. He tells me every day that the only thing he thinks about or cares about is my happiness...that he loves to see me smile.

He treats me like a princess. He has a Harley and we spend hours on it...he moved the handlebars and adjusted the seat so that I can wrap my arms around him and hug him more easily as we ride.

He calls me, text messages and emails me all day long, just to say he is thinking about me.

We just moved to another state...a BIG move for us. We left our beloved Southern CA because we knew this would bond us even tighter together...it has.

He wants to take care of me and I want him to. He is providing more for me now than ever.

His A SUCKED. It has taken us to h*ll and back. But I would NEVER have been able to make the changes I have made, and he would never have been able to want to treat me the way he does now, if I never knew.
Affairs are an awful thing in a marriage...they are terribly hurtful. But they CAN lead to changes that may never have happened otherwise. That is what I believe is happening to us, and what I pray for you as well.

Please go tell your wife. Hand over your Defensive Badge and put on your Remorseful one. You both deserve better than this.

~MF

Since it would appear that this, uh person has bailed, given that he got a WARM reception, I have a question.

Is it that the world of IT breeds a lack of humanity. I harken back to heartsore among others. Yea I know, lack of honor and integrity comes in all flavors. I just wonder if staring at a screen and working with 1's and 0's all day increasing the chances versus some other profession.

Anyone wanna comment?

Larry

does you post imply that the reason he left is because of the reception her received???

If so, NOTHING could be further from the truth. The reason he isn't here RIGHT NOW is because the troll is busy elsewhere....for now...lying to others about this or that.

Good point, Larry.

My Mom has mentioned this very thing before re: my FSO, Mr. Gray. He is an IT Administrator.

Charlotte

I think in Hu's case it has more to do with the fact that he could not control us.

Nor could he lie to us and get away with it.

Nor could he force us to do what he wanted us to do by spewing vitriol and anger at us, and by telling us how he wanted us to respond to him.

All things I believe he probably does to his wife IRL.

She will likely leave him when she finds out about his affair, if not sooner.

Because he will not change - he chooses instead to run from the truth.

That's okay. He will get out of his marriage only what he invests into it.


In this case, he will get out of it

a LOSS.


His own choice.


SB

Sure, I'm a 25 year communications/IT guy counting military and civilian service.

I don't think there is anything in particular about IT that would lead folks to behave this way. I think it's more personality types and lack of integrity than it is chosen career field.

Of course, since I was the BS, I'd argue that IT guys are more often the ones cheated upon.

But then my perception may be skewed, LOL.

I am an IT guy and I was cheated upon.

I have never noticed a trend among IT guys, but I HAVE noticed a trend amongst NURSES. We have TONS of nurses here or spouses of nurses. But it seems to be an equal mix of BS' and WS'.

would make an interesting survey

It is rampant in the military. There are many, many of us here. Maybe it is America.....

On both sides of the front. They deployed/TDY (what happens on TDY, stays on TDY) as well as those left home.


I've seen both sides of it, and there is no moral high ground for either to claim.

Yeah, they had a really good episode on Law & Order-Criminal Intent that covered the military angle & infidelity.

Military makes sense... not necessarily based on the personalities that join but on the lifestyle itself. Lots of separations, shift work, and the old attitude of "the military would have issued a spouse if it wanted you to have one." Military spouses learn early that duty comes before family. Add into the mix that one can't just decide to make family the priority and walk away. They have to stay at least long enough to finish the service contract.

Nurses also have the shift work and stress. On the personality level, I would think a need to be needed or an attraction for "fixing" broken people would factor in with this occupation.

Where I live, it is unfortunately among policeman. It seems to run rampant among the county deputies or the city police.

I have family members that were married to men who became officers and it wasn't long before their marriage took a turn for the worse.

From personal experience I saw these men turn into controlling and sarcastic individuals. They became legends in their own minds. They treated their families like perps. They couldn't leave it at the door when they came home. If it wasn't bad enough to do that, they ALL cheated on their wives, which led to their wives divorcing them.

It is like it all went to their head. This wasn't just one or two men. This was FOUR different men who behaved like this. I worked with two of the wives, and two were cousins.

I have all the respect in the world for police officers. They have a hard row to hoe.

To top it off, my daughter is dating a state trooper. Oh my Mel...she's a NURSE!! (She best behave)

I told her to start asking around the barracks about their marriages and if they have been married multiple times. So far she hasn't found that to be a trend amongst that set.

It appears they spend too much time in their cruisers to be out cruising for anything else.

Seeing how it has damaged four different families prompted me to ask her if she was sure about him.

If anything he's a pushover when it comes to her. He thinks the sun rises and sets on her....just like her Mom does.

That's the personal experience that I have had with a particular job sector...and how I witnessed it playing out.

committed