Personally, I think you need to tackle the D hurdle first.

Then, I think you could tell them.

One trauma at a time, please and thank you.

I do agree that they need to know that mom didn't go about this in ANY acceptable way.

They will realize that the OC is not to blame...my kids do...they know that how we got OC's was not right, but they've NEVER held it against their siblings.

I don't know if she's told anyone else (not even sure about M...I'm afraid to ask). The problem is, she is SUPPOSED to have a visit tomorrow evening...I can see her telling them herself without any regard to how they will react. Then...I have to teach lessons about it contrary to what she will probably say.

Oh dear.

I think you need to talk to M, tell her what stbxw has told you and make it VERY clear that stbx is NOT to mention the potential baby to them until the D processes are DONE!

I'm new to your story, and haven't trudged through the early posts.

I would not keep the children entirely from their mother. Long term, losing the relationship with a parent has traumatic effects. If you children are teens, they pretty much control how much they see their mother. Younger children get less control.

Now, if your STBX is really a destructive abusive parent, then you need to go for supervised visitation at the very least.

What I would do if I were you is go for full legal custody. The ability to make decisions regarding the children's schooling, religious upbring and medical needs, not to mention little stuff like going out of the country, is really nice.

AW3,

Based on your WW's history with the kids, you do need to take some action regarding the upcoming visit.

Either, don't let them go or sit them down and talk to them. You know that she is not to be trusted and she may tell them and then react to their shock in a damaging way to them.

She is like a child herself and will want their approval, as she has shown before.

Yikes.

I'm afraid she will want to "beat me to the punch," so to speak.

Then, if I were you, I'd tell them - age appropriately, of course.

Why would she think you haven't told them yet? Did you and her discuss keeping it quiet for now? Oh, I forget, you're not dealing with a rational adult here.

Maybe you could phrase it as "Mom THINKS she may be pregnant." Then if it turned out not to be true, you could go from there, but at least you would be the FIRST to expose this to your kids.

But I agree, I WOULDN'T tell them until you know for sure and then way later down the road (but that would mean trusting your wife to honor that.)

Man! I feel bad for your kids.

Even more reason that they need to be in LONG TERM counseling.

As much as you feel like you have it together and they are in the better environment, and even choosing to see her for what she is, they are suffering and will have long-term effects from this.

Please put them in counseling. Even if you have to drive far to get it.

They HAVE been in counseling for three weeks now!

Is your son feeling any better yet?

Wow, I just read this entire thread...it took me two days to read it all. I can only say I admire you for making such strides and wish you the best possible outcome. I am sorry it's gone like this but you are a wonderful, stable father and you will do well raising your children. I hope your WW comes to her senses eventually for the sake of recovering her relationship with your children. And I hope OM stays clear away, period.

Is my son better from what?

My daughter was sick 3 weeks ago...she's fine.

I meant about his mother, and his anger. With the counseling.

Oh...sorry. He's still bitter towards his mother. Actually, I wish I could have gotten "over" what's happened as quickly as he did. I know that he is still a child and that he will have to one day establish a new relationship with WW in her new form, but his counselor told him it was okay to be angry and to deal with this in his time. It sounds as though the counselor has pretty much echoed what I've said all along.

Seems last night's "visit" went okay. Not fun or pleasant according to the kids...but okay. It's really sad that my 10 yr old daughter told me last night she just wished her mom would move away because she hates going to visits and hearing the same speeches every time. My son seems to have mostly just ignored WW all evening.

Oh...and apparently WW did NOT mention the pregnancy (I would've heard!).

Saw my attorney yesterday. She thinks what I'm asking for (full custody, support, etc.) is more than reasonable and says she will advise WW to take my offer rather than go to court. I just want to avoid the VERY structured court-ordered visitation if possible.

My lawyer advises that I will be best off to offer the visitation we've grown accustomed to until the D is final...then I can "go back" and have the kids speak up to a guardian-ad-litem and possibly limit or even almost stop their visitation (especially the 12 yr old.)

Odd thing, WW called the baby's guardian-ad-litem on Tuesday (the guardian called me and told me) in an attempt to trash me and jeopardize the adoption. She even admitted to her that she was pregnant! She "made up" several lies about things I had supposedly said or done! The guardian told her that her recomendation in regards to the adoption was irrelevant...there's nothing she can do now to stop it. I think that was WW's last card to play! She failed!

It looks as though she just wnats to find someone to feel sorry for her (of course, I do...but I warned her for weeks that she was making a mistake...I won't let her know that!).

AW3,

So sorry to hear this is happening. Rise above the fray. When interacting with GAI focus on your kids. They really don't care at all about you and your ex other than how you get along for the sake of the kids.

Focusing on the past and trashing the other person gets you nowhere. Don't go there with her and just show her you're a great dad.

Your WW is the one digging her own grave. You'll do well. Keep the faith.

So this was the day after you told her no way would you take her back because of the pregnancy? Why would she want to purposely hurt that little girl? Sick. She's really lost. I'm so glad it backfired on her.

This is one of the most heinous things I've ever read here...and I've been here a long time.

Please tell me you documented this...even if it's thrown out as hearsay or whatever, once it's shown to a judge or counselor it will ALWAYS niggle in the back of their heads when dealing with her.

You cannot unring struck bell, and this action pounded the hayel out of the thing.

Oh...and further, PLEASE ask your attorney if you can request a home study/psyche eval on her...if she would hurt your little like that, chances are she'd hurt your biggers in some way.