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Hi
I don't really know what to say.

For the last six months I have been having an affair with a woman who I met at work, today I left her and returned home to my wife (for the second time). The first time i returned home I did not think it was important to stop all contact with the OW. Now I can see that it is very important.
I know that i am very lucky to have a wife who is prepared to give me another chance, and I am going to make the most of it this time.
I just wrote a letter to the OW saying that all contact would stop as of right now.
Although I say i have returned home I am not actually staying in the family home as my wife has not invited me to come back to the house, I guess she wants me to prove myself first.
What should I do now to 1) prove myself to my wife and 2) to prevent the affair restarting. Is there anything I can do to make this process of rebuilding my marriage a little easier? Yes I know it is going to take time and be hard work but does anyone have any helpful hints?

Thanks
Fatty

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Why did you have an affair? Why did you stop the affair?

I think you should invite your wife to post here. She's in pain and probably can use some support and advice from people here.

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Hi Fatty, I'm an FWW. (Former wandering wife).

It's very nice to have a WS on here who is looking to prove himself and looking for answers. If you are willing to do the work, it is really worth it. My A was after 28 years of marriage. It was 6 years ago and we are now very, very happy and very, very recovered.

To prove yourself to your wife, you need to be trustworthy. She isn't going to believe you are trustworthy for quite some time. My H checked up on me for a long time - he even wondered where I was when I went to get a DVD or was late home from work. I always tried to put his mind at rest. I let him have access to my email, to my cellphone bills, everything. Yes, it felt awful but I couldn't really expect anything less. I'd been sneaking around for 18 months wihthout him knowing - that was one of the worst parts of all for him, that I'd been quite normal at home but was really a completely different person, one very capable lies and cheating.

To prevent the affair restarting (been there, done that too), NC for life is essential. It is the most powerful tool for waywards there is. It takes away temptation, it proves to your BS that you are genuine and, eventually, the OP just fades from your memory.

You have a long, hard road ahead of you. It all takes time. Your wife will be very wary of you. No one wants to suffer that sort of hurt again. It's been likened to losing a child and my H said that is just how it felt for him.

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I had an affair because my wife was not spending enough time with me and spending too much time on her work, and I did not recognise the problem. The OW started out as just a friend and then just after Christmas it all went very wrong, I had been trying to support OW through a difficult time in her life and ended up getting too close. It all seems very obvious now, I wish I had seen the mistake I was making by spending time alone with the OW.
I ended the affair because I could see how much i was hurting my children and I could see how much i had too loose. I just wish i had followed the rule about no contact the first time i came back home, it would have (maybe) saved the affair from restarting. Also I ended the affair because I saw the OW for who she really is, she is not the sort of person that I would normaly assoiciate with.

And my wife has been on MB for the last 5 or 6 months, so in that regard she is one step ahead of me, it was her who told me to post here.

Thanks
Fatty


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*link* to how the wayward get that way

it's long - read it twice

and welcome

we love the fact that you are here

Pep

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Hmmmmm, "I had an affair because my wife was not spending enough time with me and spending too much time on her work.."

Actually you had an affair because you chose to have an affair. That's one of the first things you'll learn here. My justifications were "My H had withdrawn from me, my old boyfriend was my soulmate, etc etc". All complete rubbish. My own immaturity, lack of boundaries and selfishness caused me to have an A.

I had to look very deep inside me after the A and I didn't like what I saw.

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*link* to a video

when you're tired of reading - watch this ( this will take 30 minutes or so)

it's gonna hurt - but that's part of getting over your adultery

Pep

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t/j - Hey Pep, long time no see - end t/j

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*link* to why "sorry" is not enough

when you're done learning all this stuff - you're going to be so well informed --- and we can help you apply what you've learned to your situation

Pep

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 Originally Posted By: KiwiJ
t/j - Hey Pep, long time no see - end t/j


You're looking good Jen

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Welcome to marriagebuilders, and go glad that you decided to post here. There is a lot of information here that will let you and your wife recover and even have a much better marriage than before. That is the whole point, because there were probably some things that needed working on and that left the door open for an affair.

It is not an excuse for an affair, because that was your choice.

It is good that you have ended contact with the other woman. It may be very difficult at first, but after you go through withdrawal (almost like withdrawal from a drug), it will get easier. One day you will be very thankful that you stayed with your wife and family.

Even though you may still think the other woman needs you and is a good woman, good women DON'T get friendly with married men.
It could be that she made you feel needed and so you fell into the affair. But your wife and family are the ones who really need you.

You might start thinking about what tools you will use to get through withdrawal and how you will keep from contacting the OW.

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You can start with apologizing to your wife and being remorseful. Your apologies should never be followed with a but, for example do NOT say "I'm sorry I hurt you, but you neglected me". Just say you are sorry and leave the but out.

Also in your no contact letter to OW, do not worry one bit about if the OW is hurt by the letter. All you need to worry about is how much you have hurt your wife and family. The OW knew you were married, she is not an innocent victim, she is a predator and danger to your family.

You have a lot of work ahead of you and you need to be consistent and do not get impatient and think your wife should just get over it. It is going to take years for your wife and family to recovery from this.


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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 Originally Posted By: Fatty
Also I ended the affair because I saw the OW for who she really is, she is not the sort of person that I would normaly assoiciate with.


Have you done absolutely everything you can to avoid any contact with her including changing your email address and phone? Are you still working with her?

 Quote:
And my wife has been on MB for the last 5 or 6 months, so in that regard she is one step ahead of me, it was her who told me to post here.

Thanks
Fatty


What's her user name here?

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Be willing to be completely honest and open about every area of your life. It's going to be very difficult for your wife, so be prepared for that.

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TryingtoLetitGo, that is very good advice. My H AND my MC told me that I followed everything I said with "but". Our MC said that saying "but..." completely negates everything that went before it. It's like saying "those are very smart, gorgeous pants....BUT your butt looks huge in them."

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 Originally Posted By: Fatty
Also I ended the affair because I saw the OW for who she really is, she is not the sort of person that I would normaly assoiciate with.



guess what Fatty - you and OW were both same "the sort of person" ...

You are not "better" than OW - not yet

don't let this stop you from climbing out of your self-dug hole

hang in there Fatty - hang in there

Pep

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I posted this to your wife, so I will post it to you to - it is from the Harleys -

It's very common for the spouse having the affair to feel unremorseful. And it's common for the victimized spouse to feel that it wasn't his or her fault, either. So when an affair has ended, and a couple is ready to rebuild their relationship, neither wants to take responsibility. They both look at each other as having been very selfish, and they look at themselves as having gone the extra mile, with nothing to show for it. Why apologize for something that was the other person's fault?

There is a sense in which an apology is not really necessary. The only thing that's necessary is for the couple to take appropriate steps to rebuild their relationship. But an apology can certainly make taking those steps much easier.

S.C.'s wife is not sorry she had an affair. In fact she feels that it did her some good. She "finally did something for herself." That sure sounds like her Taker, doesn't it (if you don't know what a "Taker" is, be sure to read "The Giver and the Taker" in my Basic Concepts). Her Taker is only concerned about her happiness, and not the least bit concerned about S.C.'s happiness. It was her Taker that was doing the talking for her, telling S.C. that he had it coming, after what he had put her through with all of his drinking.

Taker's don't ever apologize. But they demand it of others. It was S.C.'s Taker that wanted an apology from his wife. It remembered that S.C.'s Giver had once told his wife he was sorry for his neglect of her while he was drinking, and now it was time for his wife to apologize for her offense. But at this point in their relationship, neither of their Givers are anywhere to be found, so there is little hope for repentance.

But now that the affair is over, does it do S.C. any good to try to pry an apology out of his wife? At this point, her feelings for S.C. are not the best, and any effort on his part to try to make her feel guilty will do nothing but withdraw more love units from an already bankrupt Love Bank. His best approach is to ignore the past, and focus on what he can do to start depositing love units. The more love units he deposits, the more her Taker will drop back and allow her Giver some room to maneuver. In fact, if her Giver shows up, she may surprise S.C. with an apology for the affair without him even asking for one.

S.C.'s best course of action is to create the best marriage possible by learning how to meet his wife's emotional needs, overcome Love Busters and create a unified lifestyle where neither of them would have second secret lives that can grow into affairs.

But in spite of what I've just said, I encourage each spouse, if possible, to override their Takers' instincts and apologize to the other anyway. The unfaithful spouse should apologize for having betrayed a valuable trust, for having hurt in the worst way possible the very one he or she promised to love and cherish. The victimized spouse should also apologize for having failed to meet important emotional needs that the unfaithful spouse had been promised at the time of marriage.

Why do I encourage an apology when the Takers are adamantly opposed to offering them? Because an apology is really in order (they did, in fact, hurt each other), and it also helps settle down the Takers, as long as they both apologize. S.C.'s wife knows that she did the wrong thing when she had an affair. It's her defensive Taker that will not let her apologize. But if she could let her defenses down for one moment and honesty express her Giver's regret for what she had done, it would give S.C. some encouragement.

But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.

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Totally off subject but I have to know, before I say anything else, because it disturbs me and maybe won't once I hear the reason...why did you chose the name Fatty?


DDay 2001, separated 2002, divorced Feb 2003, OW/WH married 2004 I believe, He cheated on her 2006 I believe. A vicious circle. I am with someone now who I lived with in 1993...funny how things work. I learned alot.
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 Originally Posted By: Fatty
I had an affair because my wife was not spending enough time with me and spending too much time on her work, and I did not recognise the problem.


Fatty,
Its good that you are posting here, and I think you will find the help that you need. Its mainly betrayed spouses here, but if you come with a humble heart and a desire to repair the damage you caused, you will get great advice. Come with a foggy mind and justifications, and you will get some 2x4s to the head.

One of the first things you need to change in your thinking is that you have to take complete responsibility for the affair. Your wife is responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage, but it was 100% your choice to have an affair. It simply isn't possible for her to be even partially responsible for a choice she had no input into. There are a number of ways to resolve conflict and problems in a marriage, but infidelity is nowhere on that list. It only creates more problems and potentially irreparable damage.

Recovery from infidelity is basically three-pronged. First you have your marital recovery. This is where you identify what made your marriage vulnerable to the affair. You start spending at least 15 hours of time together each week, identifying each other's emotional needs and meeting them, etc...
The second part is your BW's personal recovery. She has to learn to trust and love you again. You need to confess all details of the affair (that she decides she wants to know), become completely transparent to her, account for all your time, and end all contact with the OW (yes, this means leaving your job if you work together).
The third part is your personal recovery. You have some serious introspection to do to find out why you chose to have an affair rather than to engage in a healthy manner of conflict resolution. What were your boundaries? Did you have any? What did the OW appeal to in you, that allowed you to succumb to the temptation of the affair? What did you tell yourself to justify your behavior? What behaviors of yours made the OW think that approaching you in this way was ok?

You see, without identifying these factors, you cannot put new boundaries in place to prevent it from happening again. You will almost definitely be tempted again, and you need to be able to draw the line early and clearly.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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 Originally Posted By: Fatty
I just wish i had followed the rule about no contact the first time i came back home, it would have (maybe) saved the affair from restarting.


Not "maybe", Fatty. I can assure you that if you had never had contact with her again, the affair would not have resumed. Do not allow yourself to mistakenly believe that a little bit of contact will do no harm or that you can somehow manage it. You can't... you have already proven that to yourself and your wife.

The only way the affair was possible is because you two were in contact/communication. The only way to protect yourself from the temptation and your wife from the pain is to never have contact with her again...never... never ever... period.

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