I don't really want to date. Life is pretty good as it is. I am equally busy at work and at home, doing 'stuff' during weekends, attending class, keeping myself fit for forthcoming outdoor treks and climbs.

On the rare occasion, I'd feel lonely and wish I have someone to share my happiness with.. for instance, I have a spiffy new car and am driving alone all the time. I have free movie tickets every week and no one to watch with.

So. My hairdresser says I should put myself on the net and find out... what I can find. She encouraged me saying both her sisters-in-law and another client found their match on the local website.

I have a very poor perception of local men, due to my past experience with ex and the few that crossed my path after that. They all want young and pretty and the expected hobby is shopping and suntanning. My area has 70% youths, 60% of them women. I am 42, divorced for two years and don't look like Lindsay or Paris.

I am going to give it a try, but don't know for how long.

Just be careful and select the site you use wisely. A friend of mine (another BW) was nearly to the point of trying it. She started looking at profiles on a free site and actually found one that she was interested in. One Friday night we sat on the computer together so she could show him to me. On the one hand, it's really cool - you can screen by all sorts of things - age, astrological sign, smoker/nonsmoker - whatever. But they also had different categories to look for - everything from friendship to dating to long term relationship to "intimate encounters". I don't need to explain what that is. For fun, we screened for men 43-45, scorpio, within 10 miles of her house looking for intimate encounters. Over 300 profiles matched this!!!!! She lives out in the boondocks - I was surprised there were even 300 men in that radius, let alone 300 with profiles on this site!!! To make matters worse, we started clicking on them to see what kind of loser would put a profile with their picture asking for sex on the internet and every one we checked was MARRIED!!! They were also online at the same time! Remember, this was Friday night - probably between 9 and 10 pm so wifey is upstairs putting the kids to bed while the creeps are sitting in the basement looking for sex!!!!

But aside from that, I have a few friends who've had success at internet dating. Even on this site, many people put on their own profiles "must not be looking for intimate encounters" so there is a screening mechanism for that. On the down side, anybody, including your parents, ex, employer, kids or whoever can look at your profile and it could be embarrassing.

Why? If you don't want to do it, why put yourself through it? There are better ways to find company than trying to find dates. First of all, it's doubtful that you'll meet anyone who's motivations are the same. Most people looking, want more than to just occasionally hang out. They're looking for dating, LTR's and sex though not necessarily in that order. I guarantee that you will come back here complaining about how all the men out there have unreasonable expectations - because they don't match your own.

If you just want to find someone to go do stuff with, join a group of some sort through a church or a local club. Grab a neighbor or a coworker.

Don't sour yourself on the internet dating experience until you're ready to, you know... Actually date.

I think the best time to date is when you can take it or leave it. One is much more likely to be picky.

That said, if you are willing to drive 50 minutes to 1 hour, you may find better candidates. The added benefit is that if it doesn't work out, you won't run into each other all the time.

Amen to that !!

Well, I have waited two weeks and I do want to give it a try.

I do have some time now till November when I begin school... I am going to do it just 'to test the waters' not hoping anything much.

I am not so afraid of men and getting hurt as I was two or three years ago, so let's see.

Any tips for what to write on my profile?

Here's what I did and it seemed to have worked out for me pretty well so far...

1) Put together a list of criteria of what you want in a good match. Be specific. Not little basic things like: nice, handsome, smart... Specific in terms of appearance (short, tall, body type, etc...), common interests (reading preferences, movies, food...), and hobbies. Make the list as long as you can. I don't think a match has to fit every single one of them, but be honest about your preferences.

2) Read as many male profiles as you can. Try and get an idea of what we all find important. One of the things that I noticed almost every woman I found interesting was they all wanted a man to be financially stable. They didn't want someone to take care of them, but they didn't want to take care of someone else. It was surprising to see this come up over and over again. I have since learned that there are a LOT of men out there who are more than willing to let a woman take care of them. Wow. I am financially stable (own my home, been at my job for a long time, little to no debt, have a pension and 401K, etc...). So I mentioned that in my profile. Not in detail or anything. Just that I'm stable so that a woman knows she's not walking into a financial mess.

3) People lie and very rarely does anyone's actual appearance reflect their description. I can't tell you how many women described themselves as "thin", or "athletic and toned", and but invariably there's a picture with a bare arm that looks about the size of my thigh. Riiiiiiiiight... Just beware of that. A profile without a pic, or just one pic taken from far away with bad lighting is a red flag.

4) Don't be negative. That was the biggest turn off to me and a lot of profiles read like they were tired and cynical. Lots of griping about what kind of man they don't want. Try and keep words like "don't", and "not" out of it. Approach things from the positive.

5) Leave pics of your kids and pets out of it. Waaaaay too personal, and even dangerous IMO. I avoided those women specifically, not because they had kids (though I did prefer NMNKs). I avoided them because I felt they lacked common sense and situational awareness. Include good, clear, pictures of yourself. Pics that you feel reflect what you actually look like. Pics of things that you like (places you've been for instance) are okay. I think they give additional insight in to who you are as a person.

6) Insist on taking the lead in terms of on-going communication and the M&G in person at first. I know that traditional etiquette dictates that the man is supposed to plan the dates, etc... But this is a different realm and M&Gs are blind. I always let the woman decide the initial locale so that she'd feel safe and comfortable. Find somewhere neutral and not one of your regular haunts. If you're not interested, you don't want him showing up there later looking for you.


I think that's enough for now. Good luck.

the pic gets me to read a profile and the profile tells me whether i want to contact her

don't be afraid to make the first move

I'm 48, mail, divorced 20-months, and could take it or leave it when it comes to dating. I have been in and out of the market several times. I am in the market at the moment both online and from networking. I tend to focus more on personalities than looks and want someone who has my personality. I've already done the opposite-thing and know that it won't work long-term.

In general, women in their 40's should hang around with some 20-something and 30-something women to pickup some tips. 40-somethings tend to be very passive and non-aggressive. Younger women are very aggressive in comparison. Everyone wants to be pursued, both men and women. If you as a woman could provide 50% of the pursuit and the guy would reciprocate, I'll predict that your overall level of dating success will go up. There are guys who like shy, retiring, hot-house flower types, but their in the minority and are probably not well intentioned.

If you like someone, don't play the endless female manipulation mind-games, just tell him that you like him. Be open, honest, and who you are at all times. Rejection does not diminish your value in the least. There are plenty of single people out there. Adjust your expectations to zero and you might have some fun.

"mail"?? lol

Booka,
I loved your post! It is so helpful. I am a 49 year old single lady who needs to be more of the pursuer type. I am pretty laid-back, shy, retiring as you say. I guess I need to come out of my shell and get busy!
KK

Little boy, I'll tell you - you hit a nerve with your women in their 40's need to hang out with women in their 20's and 30's.

I hope you eat your words one day. I resent that! There are plenty of younger guys out chasing me - sometimes to the point of irriatation - and I don't appreciate your comment one bit!

I married a man that was 8 yrs older than me when I was 34 - and when I was ready to jump his bones when he walked in the door, he was offended and said I wasnt' doing it "God's way"! Putting God FIRST in my life, I was crushed and thought I had done something wrong. (Never considering that he might have a low testosterone level, I took it to heart and started looking at myself as filthy for wanting my husband). I've been through a lot of heck for it!!

Well, just because I'm 42 instead of 34 now doesn't mean I've lost my kick for what I like!

I think you might need to stop looking at what the women are doing "wrong" and start looking at what your own issues are!!!!!

Get the log out of your own eye before you go pointing fingers at the stick in someone else's!

RMW

Sorry RuffledNOT,

I'm sure you can tell that my post wasn't in any way directed at you. I've found plenty of guys on the internet that are looking for women that are willing to take the backseat to their recreational hobbies!

If a man wants me to chase him when his greatest recreational past time is fishing - forget it!! As for me - "there are bigger fish in the sea!"

Chances are you look better than you give yourself credit for. I'm 42, been divorced going on 5 yrs. and till I find a man that has enough b@lls to come after what he wants and stand up for it - I ain't interested! I've been asked to marry three times and had one man tell me he'd give me 1500.00 per month if I'd let him be my sugardaddy, in the past 5 yrs.(I told him that I wasn't that kind of woman) But I never looked at myself as that attractive. Maybe you just still have to get past feeling bad about yourself & your breakup. Believe me, there are better men out there.

Even though I'm dating two different men on a "friend" basis right now - and not ready to commit to anything - I've come to accept that when the time is right -- when I reach where I need to be and they reach where they need to be --- the right one will come along. Until then, I'm enjoying being free, and no longer basing my value on whether I'm married or single. I tried that for too long and it didn't work.

You are who you are, and I'm sure there is some guy out there who would love to meet you for who you are - They don't see the picture you may have painted of yourself right now........

Take care and believe--
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!
RMW

Oh RMW, I don't worry about 'not being good enough'. One man's meat's another man's poison, lol. I worry more about the lying. This is too different from what I am used to, I can't background check him with a friend or family!

I have registered and drafted a profile. It has three sections:
- my interests
- what I am looking for (likes to cook, has diverse interests, stopped playing with toys lol)
- what I can offer (I took the cue from Seabird about being financially independent and added something about not having a biological clock to answer to. Thank you Seabird).

I've also done a quick check on the men that were matched to my profile. Yup. As adviced by Seabird, the pickins are slim. Some looked for 23 -43 (hah!), one sent an email and his profile showed that he ticked 'any' for everything he looked for in a woman. One said he's bored and his life is boring. And another one is 44 and has never been married, and he looked good too. I have 23 views in 1 week, 1 email and 6 'kisses'.

Anyways. I will probably sign up proper next week when I have more time to 'investigate' and be active. Need to check out the competition too. Am too busy at the office this week... when I find the time, when I find the time.

RuffledNOT,

I hear ya! Pickins are DEFINETELY slim here in lower Alabama. And most of them are guys I don't really want anything to do with! Ain't interested in anyone more than 8yrs older or 5yrs younger than me. Ain't ready to "get old" yet! and don't realy want a guy with "young" kids. Mine are grown now and I'm FREE for the first time in my life. Kinda scary and exciting all at one time! My practice exam for the national board will be here by Friday - kinda nervous to see how I do. But that's natural to me. One of my teachers that I email to told me to get a massage myself the day before the Board exam, and them when I get there just breath slow, turn it over to God and go with my first choice that makes sense because that is usually right! Ooo Hoo! Time is getting near! It will be so nice to be making a good living on my own!!

Thanks for the encouragement on 'not being good enough'. Encouragement always helps! And my IC is one of the greatest!! She has been seeing me for over a year now and says she is amazed at the progress I'm making. That usually someone dealing with what I've had to overcome have to be hospitalized for recovery. But she sees it - and to be honest - Ive finally started seeing it too!! Maybe that's why the whole "dating thing" is getting easier to "take it or leave it"! For once in my life, I finally feel good about myself (most of the time) and what I'm doing with my life!!

It's getting better all the time!! Thanks!!!

ps. I like that 'one man's meat is another man's poison' thing!! Good Luck on all your online dating stuff!! Hope it all goes good for you!! (maybe you can slide some time in there somewhere )

RMW

My experience with Internet dating is that it is what you make of it.

I have found THE most important thing are your pictures. I have even discussed this with some of the gentlemen I have met and their biggest pet peeves are women who don't look like their pictures (I am consistently complimented that I "look like my pictures"). I had two very good pictures up on my profile and saw a bit of traffic. I added one more picture that depicts me in a different light and zowie! I am getting 3-5 e-mails or winks a day.

Another pet peeve for both sexes is people who claim the are slim, slender, athletic, toned and/or average when they are definitel overweight. I make clear in my profile that weight is important to me as is a healthly lifestyle that involves being active/working out. Yet, I have received numerous e-mails from gentlemen who do not fit that description.

It does not hurt to register on two or three sites. I was on one site for quite a while and added a second that really changed things up for me. In fact, one gentleman I am seeing is from the second site. If I hadn't ventured to that site, I would never have met him.

ALWAYS do a background check as soon as you know the person's first and last name. Several months ago, I dated a "gentleman" that my IC later called a "psychopath." This guy did quite a number on me emotionally. It wasn't until after we split that I did a background check because some things just weren't adding up. I found out he lied about an awful lot of important things like his financial situation, that he owned his home, that he had not been married once, but twice and both marriages ended because of adultery on his part, he had several minor criminal offenses, did not attend even one class at the university from which he claimed to have graduated...I could go on, but you get the gist. I have since done background checks on two other gentlemen I am seeing and they both came back clean but you never know so better to be safe than sorry.

Willingness to travel a little bit of distance can make a world of difference in who you meet. One of the two men I am seeing right now lives very close to me while the other lives about an hour away (I live in a very large city). I find that I see the one who lives an hour away much more often than the one who lives close by.

To pursue or not to pursue....that is the question. There are a host of books out there that say a woman shouldn't pursue (e.g., The Rules, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus on a Date). I have done NO pursuing of the one gentleman I am seeing and we don't see each other much (mostly because of kids and work) and only talk by phone very 4 or 5 days. The other gentleman I am seeing is a bit quiet, reserved, shy and would NEVER have e-mailed me if I hadn't e-mailed him first. Its now about a 50-50 thing with both of us doing a bit of pursuing. For example, the last two times we got together, I am the one who asked if we were getting together (he has odd days off and I knew it was his days off). Yet, he does the day to day contacting/touching base. He and I are moving at a much quicker pace (although not too quick - he's not a blowtorch who comes on strong and then burns out) that the other one and I and I believe that his because I am sharing the pursuing. Right or wrong, its working. I would be interested in hearing some of the guy's perspectives on whether they want to be the pursuer or like when a woman pursues some, too.

In short, I like to think of Internet dating sites as a big bar full of people....just like in a bar, there will be some who are attracted to you but to whom you are not attracted and visa versa. It takes patience and an open mind and putting yourself out there to be successful.

I have something to tell you guys. I can't figure this out myself.

Ever since the week I decided to look for a mate and put myself online, I have been having dreams of xH. Good dreams.. okay mostly sf dreams. In my dreams I was happy and contented with xH. Ugh.

It has been five years since xH left (he left almost immediately after DDay). I struggled for the first two years emotionally and by the end of the third year, I asked for a divorce. The first year after divorce was bliss. I felt so right and at peace. The second year after divorce I gained back my confidence, I achieved all the things that I set out to do, and am now very happy. I don't feel I miss the marriage or xH. I have also gotten used to being alone.

Now the dreams, the dreams I don't understand.

Is it because I loved xH? In my head, I know he is immature, impulsive and we have very different sets of values. In my head, I know it is over, there is no looking back, I do not want to waste my time with someone who cheats and have multiple affairs, gets into trouble and blames me. I deserve better. One of the things I practised during the two years leading to divorce was to constantly remind myself of all the ways he lied and how shabbily he treated me. How little he gave to the marriage and the little understanding he has about integrity and commitment. I have known xH since I was 20 and I could see when I looked back the behaviour has been constant, except the sin was greater as he entered adulthood. Even so, I loved him. And to break myself from the emotional bonds, I rationalized myself out.

Am I still attached to him or is this just the familiar need for intimacy and xH was just too imprinted in my brains? I have been attracted to other men after divorce, but kept myself at arms length only.

maybe it's just my hormones!???

RuffledNOT,

You're normal. When I first started having dreams about all the people in my life they were first filled with the feeling of helplessness I felt growing up. Then they turned to rage and anger until I worked through all of those issues. Now I actually have dreams that are good with them in them. If I hadn't been going to a counselor when they started, I don't know how I would have made it through the ones where I acted out against the people who had hurt me! She let me know that it was just my brain filing everything that had been buried.

Maybe you've come to a point where you don't feel angry with your x and so now when your system wants sf he's the one that pops up. I know that's what my system does cause when I asked my counselor about it she told me it was because he was my last partner, that it would change if I ever had feelings for and decided to marry someone else.

RMW

I have occasional dreams about my ex. The funny things is that on a day to day basis I rarely even think of her anymore. And if I do, it is in relations to something about the kids.

Go figure. I think it doesn't mean much. Just hormones as somebody suggested.