Fatty -

I just want to let you know that I support you being here - I hope you don't leave and please, please take Trustdoe's advice about skipping over those other posts.

I am a betrayed spouse. My WH came home for a year, but never put actions behind his words.

It looks like you are putting in some action. It will take some time for your wife to give you her complete trust again. Continue doing things to build her trust. One block of trust on top of the other, one block of trust next to the other. Until it becomes a solid wall that no one can knock down.

There are many wise people here.

Hope to be reading your success story --

Best of luck,

Fatty,

I would say that you probably want to stick around.

Use the "ignore" button if you don't like someone.

Stick around, because your end purpose is to save your marriage, right?


You came in asking what you could do to save the marriage. You asked for concrete ideas.

Here are my ideas:

Read the links at the right side of the webpage.

Order the book "Surviving an Affair". Read it. Don't just skim through it, but really read it and think about what the ideas might mean for salvaging your marriage.

Order the book "After the Affair". Read that one, too. Because you need more than one perspective on affairs, in order to convince you that this isn't just a cult, or just one idea on how things might get done.

Then, pick up a copy of "Relationship Rescue". You might not like the author, but do it anyway. The work in the book is something you really need to take a look at IMHO. Because you show signs of having a temper, and you do cuss a lot. Your wife has apparently reported verbal abuse, and your behavior here would serve to confirm that report. So the work you would do in the book would go a long way to show YOURSELF what the problem is, and then might help your wife to begin to believe that change is in the wind for the relationship and the marriage.

See, your wife has been undergoing changes.

She wants to see YOUR changes, too. It is only fair that she SEE them to believe them, right?

But what you just displayed didn't help your cause. Let's say you were at work - would you have done that with your boss? Nope. See, you CAN control your behavior, you CHOOSE not to.

You need to CHOOSE better behavior all the time.

Wife needs to see it all the time. That's where the SHOW IT comes in.


I would also advise you to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and ask your wife to fill one out, too. Then, take a hard look at your wife's ENQ. What have you missed on your wife's????? What haven't you been doing for her EN's? Because in the state of the marriage BEFORE your affair, well, part of that is on YOU, and part of that is on HER.

You were not meeting her EN's, and she wasn't meeting yours, chances are.

So now that you have her ENQ in your hand, work on meeting her top 3 needs as best you can. Do it consistently. Make it your priority. And when you get a chance, throw in #4 and #5 for fun.

Finally, stop being a taker. Become a giver - and you will be completely shocked at what this does for your self-esteem. Start giving to your wife, because this is what you did when you first met her.

That might be enough for now, Fatty.


but first and foremost, stop blowing up at everybody

simmer down


SB

**EDIT***

We have a wayward that needs help and is HERE, please give us a chance to help him.

I say this with all due respect for the work you do here.




note from Revera: please email us with any concerns instead of bringing it here. thanks

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Believer, what does this mean?

>>>>/......^^^^^^))))))^^^^^!!!!!

Hope everyone can settle down so theis thread doesn't get locked. How I wish my ex had posted here or even cared to read here. He had no interest at all and now we are divorced.

I've been reading and posting to LilDoggie for months, hundreds of posts. She loves her husband and he has always been an excellent husband. They have had a relationship that many would envy.

Let's try to HELP and not criticize. Fatty doesn't know us and I think it takes a lot of balls for him to post here.

he verbally abused her, cheated on her, came back and left again....I think it is time to raise the bar a bit.

Can he become a good husband. Sure he can. But please...excellent husbands do not do this stuff.

SL - Just trying out my morse code. I studied it for over a year. I'm only encouraging him and telling him to hang in here. Nothing that would be edited.

MEDC - He has many, many years of being an excellent husband. Have you ever posted to his wife before?

well then perhaps the word ALWAYS was the kicker B. As far as who I posted too....I have almost 8K posts. I couldn't tell you if I have posted to her before.

As you are not prone to exaggeration...please tell me what was abusive on my part. I expect that kind of stuff from Jen...but not you.

Fatty, I apologise for bickering on your thread.

Now back to business. It sounds like you are doing everything right. How do you feel about your wife right now? One of the things I found difficult was wondering if I'd ever get back all the "feelings" I'd had for my H before my A and whether he could get over his hurt and anger. I knew they were there but everything was very muddied and muddled for us.

Fatty, I've finally figured out who your wife is. I've been reading some of her posts. It looks like you are already working on some of the honesty and openness necessary to begin a recovery.

Schoolbus posted to you earlier about some of the books she recommends. When I first started in recovery, I dove into the books pretty quick. I was amazed at how much it helped me. I would read SAA and HN/HN ASAP.

On a different note, your cellphone plans may cost you some money to change, but it is a necessary step no matter the cost.

I hope you continue to post here. I'll be back tomorrow to see how you're doing.

I agree with those who say let's keep it respectful. Even if you have a problem with Fatty, it would be doing his wife a great disservice to completely alienate him from a place he willingly came to for marriage help.

Yes, he will get some 2x4's, but we could pad them a bit.

Fatty, please stick around. You will find MUCH help here, and meet people who will help pray you and your wife through this. Don't give up!!

Kia ora fatty! (Thanks google!)

I can't tell you ho thrilled I am that you have decided to give it a try with us "crazies"! Please stick around. It takes all kinds ya know, different strokes for different folks... keep the goal in mind. Your marriage is what's important here, right? Don't let some marks on a computer screen keep you from the help that might save your marriage.

Everything schoolbus said. Believer too, of course.

I've always said y'all could very well become one of the success stories here. Please keep posting.

Hey medc,
Just a few things i'd like you to know, and they do not all relate to the quoted post.

1) the term "sport" is quite offensive when applied to a grown man in my country, please do not use it again.

2) I think it would be good if you stopped going on endlessly about vebal abuse of my wife, we have discussed it and we agree that "abuse" is too strong a term for what was said. Also she used the word asult not abuse and that, to us, means that I expressed myself in a verably forceful manner, as is normal for people who are having a disagreement. Anyway my wife and I have discussed this matter and WE have moved on to other far more important issues.

3) I understand that you have been hurt by curcumstances in your life, but don't take your anger and hurt out on me. In return I will do the same. Yes I am also angry and hurt by the things that I have done, not anywhere near as much as my darling wife but hurt all the same, and ashamed.

4) Please do not presume to know more about my, sorry our, situation than I have shared with you, that is the path to misunderstanding and un-helpful comments from both of us.

I intend to share much more of what i have done in the past and what i am doing now to fix the damage the I have caused. But please give me a little bit of time to write these things as I have a few rather pressing obligations, my wife is the first of them, the children are right up there too, that is followed by my work as an on call firefighter (not the job where i met the OW)and a need to get my fathers estate sorted out. This might sound like an excuse to get out of answering peoples questions but please trust me it is not. I have no great love for sitting in front of a computer screen, it is one of the tools I used to keep the A going and it was the prime tool in restarting it.

Thanks for listening
Fatty

Prov. 15:1

Hey Fatty, it's really hard not to focus on the negative posts. I know ALL about that. It's really been only one person who's been negative. I thought I'd stopped rising to that particular bait but obviously not, if today was anything to go by.

You've been given a lot of great advice. I hope mine counts as "great advice" lol. You and your wife need to talk, to really communicate. My H and I found that really hard to do without our MC present. We'd been married 28 years and thought we communicated really well but we were/are both conflict avoiders and always avoided anything that might cause a disagreement or an argument.

But....we did talk after my H found out. We talked and talked and talked. I was honest with him. He was honest with me. We also cried (yes, even my taciturn H) and we even managed to laugh. We raised our voices for the first time in our marriage too, but we were COMMUNICATING.

Really, to find out what your wife wants - ask her. It sounds like you have done some very good things. The most important thing is to keep out of contact with the OW and make sure it sticks.

BTW, just so you know. I'm a JAFA. Your wife knows that and doesn't hold it against me, I hope you won't.

Hey mate that's fine, I am an ex-JAFA.

Thanks for the good advice.

Fatty

Fatty,

you will get much diverse advice from different posters here on MB.

Guaranteed yu won't like a lot of it. Waywards here, even waywards trying to do the right thing get jumped on sometimes. By far the majority of posters are betrayed spouses.

You abusing them feeds into that. No one promised you a rose garden or a free ride.

Accept that you won't get an easy ride until you show yourself to be fully repentant and remorseful. EXPECT to get called out by folks when you are spewing fog.

Don't let people who tell you what you want to hear tickle your ears.

Don't get into slanging matches.

When you start following this advice, listening and not reacting if you don't like what you are being told you will probably find the road will get a little less bumpy.

IF you think something is abusive, notify the moderators. There's a button at the end of every post for you to do just that.

Listen, learn and be humble. That will win you a lot of friends.

Remember this board and the vas majority of posters are in the USA so bear in mind there are cultural differences and don't react in mock outrage if someone says something you find culturally insensitive.

And change your username to something less self depreciating.