Translates to:

"HANG IN THERE. YOU MAYBE THROWN OFF MB BEFORE YOU EVEN START. YOU CAN PUT IDIOTS ON IGNORE."


WS's understandably, have a tendency to be met on MB with condescension and a bit of name calling. It's the nature of the beast (BS) somewhat.

Fatty will not receive group hugs for his decision to post here.

The use of the ignore feature should be used very selectively, IMO. One can miss out on some valuable advice even though that advice is sometimes delivered on the end of a 2x4.

I can see that others have already jumped on this, including some who were WS's themselves.

OK, as others have said, you have to own your own behavior. That means that anything that even sounds like you are blaming your spouse for your own decisions has to go.

So what if I re-wrote this as:

I had an affair because I wanted to spend more time with my wife and when I couldn't spend as much time with her as I wanted, I made the selfish choice to have an affair.

Wouldn't that be more accurate and put the blame for the decision right where it belongs?

I think your wife is wise and it seems that you are gaining wisdom everyday.

NC is critical. Affairs are fantasy. Marriage is work.

I'll read more. However, I would encourage you to check your words before you write them, and make sure you are not blaming others for your choices as you did in the beginnings of this post.

I'll agree not to call you sport when you are adult enough to accept the following truth. AFFAIRS ARE ABUSE, PERIOD.

If you can't accept that truth, then perhaps those calling you sport are not far off.

Right now, I would put too much stock in your wife saying the term doesn't apply. I'd put far more stock into what Dr Harley calls affairs. He equates them to the rape of the marriage.

So unless you are going to sit here and tell me rape is not abusive, I'm going to trust the good Dr when he equates an affair with a horribly abusive act.

I can imagine it's hard to comes to grips with that.

However, I think anyone who would argue he's beyond being called sport, would be able to own this, and agree that his affair was one of the most horrible acts of abuse he could perpetrate against his wife.
Comparing hurts and assuming what others are doing is not a good tactic.

Just focus on how you hurt you wife, how your actions WERE abusive, and never mind how much you hurt, or anyone else may be hurting, etc.
As long as you don't presume either, like you did in #3 above. If you are serious about how others should no presume, then it would be more credible if you didn't presume about others either, such as those who answer you.

Not to presume myself. I can't imagine how it could be comfortable to be in your shoes right now. However, I ask that you try to find the truth in what folks are saying. I'm sure everyone shares a little truth. Find that, use that. No need to defend.

If you are looking for a rebuilt marriage, fighting folks here is just a waste of energy. If someone is not helping, or you feel attacked, then ignore the emotional content and look at the facts.

For example, you seem defensive about the abuse comments. Yet the facts are Dr Harley compares affairs to the rape of your spouse. He should know. He faces thousands of couples.

That's a fact, and it's one I believe you'll need to come to grips with.

Why not set a time and say you'll be back on ___________________.

Even if you just spend 5-10 minutes and tell folks you are back it will demonstrate that you value the advice and feedback and update folks on what is going on.

Finally, you have the choice, to be defined by what you did, or to be defined by what you do.

I think you have to look at what you did, accept the full weight of what that means, and then decide and act so that you are not going to do that again.

Men who do that are the ones no longer called sport.

no problem...I was not aware of that.



I would strongly suggest that if you wish for the abuse issue to die down, that you demonstrate an ability to control your temper. When a BW uses that word and then her WH shows up here proving the label...well, it isn't s stretch to call it an ongoing problem. Hopefully this will be the end of that.


I am not doing that at all. I am looking at your situation and responding appropriately given the details and your responses. Some people here will cater to dysfunction...I am not one of them. Please read BK's post. It sums it up quite nicely for me.



your anger and aggression is really typical for a wayward. So, what I know here is based on your spoken words, anger, aggression and experience. I will certainly be willing to start over with you....wipe the slate clean...but please know that I will call you to the carpet for typical wayward behaviors.

I think it is good that you have waded into an uncomfortable place by posting here on MB. I would suggest that in addition to listening with less defensive ears...that you seek out TST (both here and possibly via email). I have not seen a FWH that has earned respect and admiration like TST. I am proud to call him friend. And if you think I whacked you with a 2 x 4...well, TST saw a lot worse.

Be well and keep up the good work. Change is a good thing.

I'm curious...
Did I miss who his wife is on MB? Perhaps this is not relevant but I thought it might give a little perspective as there are always two sides to every story. If it seems unimportant to others...I'll follow your lead.

Hi Fatty-very glad to see you here! I'm a FWS myself, and I don't think our marriage would ever have recovered as wonderfully as it has if it wasn't for this forum...It was a Godsend to Mr. W and I...

I'd ask that you take all forms of advice from all the people here...I know it sure helped me...Even the stuff that at the time I found "harsh"...In fact, it was that stuff that eventually helped me the most...I found that the ones that stung particularly bad were usually ones that had at least a kernel of painful truth to them...I reacted at the time and wanted very much to pick a fight here though...I think that is just part of this walk...

What I began doing instead was opening my eyes enough to see that since I had been so very wrong in the past that it was certainly a possibility that I was again and tried all the advice on for size...I continue to do that now...I look at ME first and see if that is where the problem truly lies...I've found that to be a very beneficial exercise that has served our marriage greatly...your mileage may vary...



Hey, that made me laugh...I did not know that...I'll tell ya why it made me laugh though...We (Mr. W and I) used to do a lot of white water rafting trips-well, I was in a "raft", he is more of a kayaking sorta guy...ANYWAY, the river guides used to call all of us non-local types "sport"...Only later did we learn what that stood for: "Stupid People On River Trips"!

Like BK (aka Big Kangaroona the silly Aussie )said, this forum is mostly populated by we Americans...It is also American Owned and Operated...I'm afraid you "silly furriners" will just have to overlook cultural differences and know that no offense is intended...


I understand Fatty...But did you realize that by MEDC posting that to you, that you and your wife TALKED about it? That his posting almost gave you guys a "common enemy"? That you might even have bonded a bit over it? See this board serves many purposes, some of them unspoken...There are posters that willingly sacrifice your liking them for the benefit of your marriage! See how that works? Kinda neat, huh? Mr. W and I got a lot of that very thing...Consider it and see...I'm a firm believer that I can learn something from EVERYONE that I come into contact with - even if it's to learn what not to do!

Jen, (KiwiJ) comes to mind for me there...I'm not sure that I've ever told her that her "falling off the wagon" is what made me fully grasp the importance of NC...That when I watched her battle the affair addiction once again that it convinced me that I could not possibly attend my high school reunion that Mr. W and I had planned on going to...(OM would have been there)...She helped our marriage immensely and she didn't even know it...I owe her a BIG THANK YOU for that...(Hope you are reading Jen! THANKS A MILLION!!!)

Come at this humbly in all ways Fatty...It WILL help you and your wife very much...


Fatty, I really don't believe that MEDC posts out of "pain", but what if he did? Would it be kind to point that out to him? Really trying to be empathetic towards people here will also help you guys...No kidding...Try it and see...

I understand your frustration Fatty...Really, I've been there myself...I hope you can benefit from what I'm telling you since I've walked this path before you...Really, focus on your wife and yourself...Lashing out on the board at others won't serve your purpose for being here, even though it might "feel good" to do at the time..."Feelings" can't be trusted as I know you've found out the hard way...Use logic and reason instead...Consider that you are new here and might not know all the ropes just yet...Remember that you aren't a victim of anything other than your very own selfishness...When you approach with that attitude, you'll come out a winner...I guarantee it...I wish you well...I'll be around and offer anything that I can...

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Mrs. W

ETA: Hey, I'm just remembering when Jen got offended by a term that we Americans use in a completely different way than you Kiwis do...lol...Anyway, I'm thinkin' if any of you guys are gonna choose to be offended by American stuff said here on this American forum then I am gonna choose to be offended when any of you spell "realize" as "realise" or any and all of the other places that you all discriminate against the poor, poor letter "Z"! After all, isn't it all about ME?

My understanding was that his wife wanted to keep their threads separate. She did not want to read his and I think she did not really want him to read hers. I have followed events recently, but have not been a part of the support groups of these two folks.

Regards,

Edit: *deleted*

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translated.

Believer, If you want to call me an idiot...have the balls to do it without being sneaky. Pathetic.

Fatty ( I don't care for that name much, I must say),

I haven't read this full thread but something that was quoted and then I found on my own on the first page stuck with me.

You said

When reading all of this a single thought comes to my mind. When faced with a problem such as I bolded in your quote, how many different ways of handling this problem could you name? Was having an affair near the top of this list? Was it one of only a few strategies that was on the list?

It seems to me if you want to truly recover your marriage, you need more arrows in the quiver when addressing problems, and the one arrow you used, should be removed from the list of possible actions.

In a very simple minded way that is what this site is about. Offering you more tools to handle problems in marriage so that the one you did use, can be tossed as a viable strategy.

Once your W knows you have expanded your ability to deal with problems such as this, I think you will find recovery will begin, I mean true recovery.

The other part is how you protect your boundaries, your vows (which are really promises to yourself, who else can enforce them), and your HONOR. You need to understand the slippery slope you were on and develop ways to recognize and avoid it in the future. But, most of all you need to figure how you allowed yourself to fail your promises to yourself.

I hope you do the reading here. Then think about it. It is far deeper than some seem to understand. It is also harder to do than it would seem from the outside.

God Bless,

JL

I think it's an excellent idea to report it to the Moderators, not just for your own benefit but also for the benefit of those reading along. It can be painful to watch. When we (both the Betrayed and the Wayward) arrive here, most of us are in tremendous amounts of pain due to natural consequences and I just don't see the benefit of--or understand the need to--add to that.

But you, Fatty, have another option that most don't have--your BW is here on board with you!! So you could talk to her about what is going on here and then decide what to do (or not) about it--together! How cool is that?!

Take care

MEDC said

your anger and aggression is really typical for a wayward. So, what I know here is based on your spoken words, anger, aggression and experience. I will certainly be willing to start over with you....wipe the slate clean...but please know that I will call you to the carpet for typical wayward behaviors.


Fatty says

Sounds good to me, end of the agro from me!

Fatty

Well done, do you know morse or did you have to Google it?
I am pleased that that someone posted the translation, helps when we all know what is being said. However I hold nothing against the original poster for posting in morse.
Have a happy day.
Fatty

Good morning Fatty. So, leaving aside the bickering between us all, I think you're getting excellent advice.

Have you been reading the posts to your thread? I specially asked Just Learning to look at your thread. JL is neither BS or WS but he's very wise (and very old lol - sorry, that's a joke that's been around the board forever - he's over 60 - not that old). He was one of the first people who responded to me on MB and I owe him a HUGE debt of gratitude for what he did for me and my H.

Yep you missed it.
Has only been mentioned once though so it would have ben easy to miss with all the chaos that I started on this thread.

Lil Doggy, or something like that, not sure of the spelling, I don't read her threads and she dosen't read mine - we discuss them together as we see appropriate. So please don't go dragging her posts into my threads and don't post mine in hers. thank you.

Fatty

Fatty:

Are you here for some help?

To find some way back into a household that has been blown up by your actions?

If yes, then there is alot of help here. Your BS has been getting excellent advice and you MUST have noticed.

If yes, then one day the posts that seem like 2x4's right now, YOU will be helping to deliver to the next WS who shows up and trys to defend his errant ways.

There are many different ways to be given advice. And EACH of them is employed here.

Read, try to understand, and then try to employ things that make sense for you. You have many miles of road to travel in recovery. Something may seem not to make sense right NOW. But they will. Its a narrow path, but it can be done.

LG

What? "Self depreciating"? I don't see it that way, just a name that popped into my head and I foumd it slightly funny. But hey if you've got any ideas let me know what they are.

Also thanks for the rest of your post, noted all the good points.

Thanks
Fatty

This reminds me of Hu and his thread.

Yes is the answer to your questions.Looking forward to more of the great advise.

Fatty

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