This is actually good news.

She isn't happy that her friends expect her to do the right thing. If she didn't care what they thought, it wouldn't bother her one whit.


Yes, this is always a possibility.

But, I think she is mostly saying this in order to justify her A and in order to maintain her stance that she doesn't want to work on the M.

This will all change once you are meeting her emotional needs.


SWW, I think you are dead wrong about her number one EN being FS.

Seriously.

When you are on vacation, you're spending lots of time together, right?

Meeting each other's needs for conversation, recreation, SF, affection, ect...

I'm NOT saying that your WW doesn't enjoy the fruit of your labor. Or the finer things in life.

But, what I am saying is that your WW is a woman who has the same needs that EVERY woman has. The same needs that EVERY human being has. And you have only been meeting ONE of them.

Dr. Harley asks couples to fill out EN questionaires and NO MATTER what they fill out, he will tell the H to pay most attention to meeting his W's need for CONVERSATION.

Your continued belief that your WW's number one EN is FS is going to get you D.

The OM did not get her to fall in love w/ him by meeting her less important needs. And she didn't fall in love w/ you b/c you met her less important needs.

You fall in love w/ someone b/c they are hitting your top ENs!

You have believed your WW is a very shallow woman, who only needed to have lots of money to be happy and feel in love w/ you. She's telling you in words and deeds (her A's) that that is NOT true.

And you're not hearing her.


YES! Financial worries are STRESSFUL!

This does not prove that FS is her number one EN.

Nor does it mean that if you start earning a billion dollars a year that she will fall in love w/ you.


This is a common belief that ALOT of women share.

It comes from feeling unappreciated or unloved.

What your WW wants is more love and affection.

More understanding.

More connection.

I'm telling you, SWW, if the next time she opens up to you, you said something like, "Wow, I didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" She will be BLOWN AWAY!

She will feel emotionally supported. And that is HUGE to a woman.

HUGE!


You are wrong. IMHO.

Your WW is going to reject this idea b/c she has been used to doing her own thing. She's used to living w/o you.

It is better to teach her how to POJA by putting it into practice.

I'm not sure what the problem was w/ the cost to your children's education, but why couldn't you have tried to practice POJA there?

Marsh,

I think you are right.

The OM did not get her to fall in love w/ him by meeting her less important needs. And she didn't fall in love w/ you b/c you met her less important needs.

You fall in love w/ someone b/c they are hitting your top ENs!

You have believed your WW is a very shallow woman, who only needed to have lots of money to be happy and feel in love w/ you. She's telling you in words and deeds (her A's) that that is NOT true.

And you're not hearing her.

Yes, they are both stone broke in dead end jobs. When WW married me I was a LTjg in the Navy. She loved me for ME! Not a paycheck. I have underestimated her.

This one has me worried. If she is maintaining that because we were "separated" she has the right to have affairs, her argument that "as far as she is concerned we still are" means but one thing; time to start another?

Yes, this is always a possibility.

But, I think she is mostly saying this in order to justify her A and in order to maintain her stance that she doesn't want to work on the M.

This will all change once you are meeting her emotional needs.

I honestly don't think she is looking to have another A right now. She is embarrassed about the one that people know about already, even though she would never admit that.

Here is my concern. She doesn't seem to follow the same model as many WS's. I honestly don't think it was a highly emotional EA involved with the PA so I don't think she is really going thru severe withdrawals, I could be wrong of course.

You are wrong. IMHO.

Your opinion on this actually gives me some hope. I hope she is going thru withdrawals because that would explain the bahaviour, as in it's not all about hatred or anger at me. It also means my WW is not necessarily terribly shallow and just an SF junkie.

I'm anxious to see what the Harley's tell you because your WW is like a selfish little girl having a temper tantrum.

I think it's despicable the way that she plays with you and your life. I hope that she does truly come out of this withdrawal and sees the error of her ways, but something tells me that she's not one to really do that.

Keep us posted SWW.

onlyU,

I hope you're wrong, but I think Marsh is onto soemthing. I need a good plan A and to get home. I wonder if the Harleys will tell me that as well.

A lot of this is my fault, I can see that. WW used to call me ten-15 times a day and when I would ask what she needed her patent line was, "oh gosh, lets see, bluh bluh bluh bluh, oh gosh I forgot, what r u doing?"

Well, I was working wouldn't you know. Then she called less and less frequently. She was calling her old boyfriend 10-12 times a day and then ultimately found Charlie her PA partner.

I am such an idiot. Why don't they teach this in school???

You're a good man, SWW and she is lucky to have you. I hope she remembers that soon.

Being home is very important, regardless of the direction you go in.

Why can't you see the "unbilled" cell phone charges? Most carriers will allow that online.

I hope you don't get hit with more "discovery" when the bill comes.

Praying for you!
OnlyU

SWW,

I wanted to believe that my WH was different than the others too. It's an easy trap to fall into...that your spouse doesn't fit the mold. My H had a two year EA and then a one year PA but only had sex a half dozen times. I thought...well, that means that he wasn't really emotionally involved. But I think that every WS is emotionally involved in their A. No matter what they think or you want to believe, they will have to go through withdrawals simply because of the nature of the beast.

I think that sticking to a great Plan A is the best advice you can take. That and getting yourself home asap. Your wife is rewriting history as all WS's do to make what she did less horrific in her mind. When the fog lifts, and it will, she will realize that it didn't matter if she thought you were separated...she betrayed her husband and at this point, she's not ready to accept that.

Call the Harleys and get a good Plan A for you. You can do this. Think of it as war tactics. There is a rhyme and reason to all of the things you are doing. Keep that in mind (and your ultimate goal) when things get tough and you want to freak out.

HTM

thanks onlyUcan,

She certainly doesn't feel lucky to have me now, in fact she feels she doesn't have me because she doesn't want me. After finding out about the first A (an EA it would appear) followed by the PA, I have questioned whether I really wanted her to have me. Especially with how cruel she is.

Yeah, I hope there aren't any more surprises either too. Sprint says you can only see call detail once it's been billed. If this isn't true if someone could tell me how to access it online I would sure appreciate it.

She swears up and down (I know...) that she has not contacted him in weeks and she has not talked to him in any way since I called him up and told him off and said to stay away from her.

I find that a little strange since she claims to be so embarrased by my "ludicrous, childing, jealous behaviour, which no doubt made him think I am a jealous freak threatening him!"

HTM,

Thanks. After 2.5 months I still think/obsess about this nearly all day. I don't go more than 3 minutes without thinking about it except when I sleep, and that is 3-4 hours a night.

How long does that last? More than 2.5 months apparently.

It would sure be easier to sleep if I only had a few decent signs from her. I guess I am at least lucky to have found out and she confessed, even though it was like pulling teeth.

I think you are all correct about an emotional attachment/crush, now that i remember it, WW was making comments to my sister since last summer about charlie quite a bit, how funny and cute he was etc. Told me about running into him at the gas station. What got my attention then, but not enough, was when she told me she saw his truck and snuck up behind it and got to the window, stood up and yelled , "Boo!"

She said she was so embarassed when she saw there were three other guys in the truck with him. I told her back then that she needed to stop flirting with other men, and that was definitely flirting. She told me to stop being jealous and paranoid...

Call Sprint Customer Care and ask them or go online and look around on the site. I just can't imagine this is the case, but I did hear of another poster that can only see outgoing. Very strange, you would think all the top cell providers would be smart enough to have that available.

If Sprint doesn't have it, ask them if there is a way for them to send you the "unbilled" items on a weekly basis or when you call in and ask. Be persistent, you are their customer!

As for time...I liken it to standing in the ocean. The waves used to be HUGE, OVERPOWERING, almost UNBEARABLE as they would crash over me. And they came with RELENTLESS SPEED.

Over time, the waves came less and less frequently and with less intensity. I could at least stand up through them. Every once in awhile, though, a sneaker wave would come in and bring me back to my knees.

I'm almost 5 months out from d-day. I still have sleepless nights. I still think about it nearly all the time...although my thoughts are more about what I am doing for recovery than about the OW and ways that I would torture her if I met her in a dark alley.

I still have nightmares. Last night I had one and woke up crying. I take a tranquilizer to sleep every once in awhile (something I would have never done before this).

And I have a WH who is very receptive and desires recovery...so I can only imagine that it is much worse without that.

We'll keep throwing you life rings when the waves hit. You'll survive them. And they do fade...

HTM

All,

is this a good thing? Just had nice long chat with WW (she called me) she is putting out feelers to get a job. Is interested in getting a job with our local NFL team, she has been an event planner and worked on the Super Bowl.

She told me she got a phone call from some guy in Dallas that is working on teh Super Bowl committee also and that they offered to hire her since she has family in Dallas.

She said she told them no, that she was not going to uproot the kids so will stay in our home town. She also says she has to juggle her schedule with carpools etc. and that it would have to be a flexible job.

I guess since she says she is thru with me I shouldn't put the cart before the horse, but I am jealous. I did try to sound very excited for her on the phone, told her with her experience anyone would be lucky to have her and I would be glad to help with her resume, which would be easy to do with her skills. I am jealous because I know this could be bad.

My wife is a huge flirt, and is very attractive. Last event she helped plan was for a major country music star and he tried to get her to go back to his hotel with him. He is married to someone whose name most would recognize. I guess it's too early to worry.

I am wondering if I am paranoid, or she was trying to stick her possible newfound independence in my face a little. She said if the Dallas thing wasn't temporary she might have taken it since "wherever you are, in DC or whatever it's just as easy to fly there as to here."

I think she is trying to shake you up with the idea that she could move.

I do worry that she seems to feel your M is over. If she thinks it is over, she needs to make it legal. Wait for others to talk to you about this, but I wonder if you shouldn't call her bluff on this one somehow...like telling her "I am committed to rebuilding this marriage. I do not want a divorce and I will continue to fight for our relationship until you take legal steps to end our marriage. I would be devastated if you chose to do that, but for my own sake, I need to know your intentions." Again, WAIT FOR OTHERS to chime in on this one. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. It just seems like she's moving forward without you and that concerns me.

And doesn't she know that you are moving back to your home town? If she is in Dallas, that would not work.

Any environment that your W puts herself in is going to offer opportunity for infidelity. She has to come to a point where she is putting EPs in place to make sure that an A doesn't happen. That's the only way it will work. I've always believed that trusting my H doesn't mean that I tell him what's right and wrong, but that I trust he will make the right choices when faced with them.

hicktownmommy

no she said she was not moving to dallas. I think she was thinking out loud and just talking to me. I have already told her your words in essence:

"I am committed to rebuilding this marriage. I do not want a divorce and I will continue to fight for our relationship until you take legal steps to end our marriage. I would be devastated if you chose to do that, but for my own sake, I need to know your intentions."

She is just unsure, or unwilling to commit.

Marshmallow

printed out your responses from yesterday. Read them last night before going to bed. I need to post to you but have a lengthy meeting, i'll get back to you, hope you have a little time for me, you are a fount of wisdom as are so many others here.

WW cancelled meeting with IC this morning by the way.

Sure, I'll be around. On and off as time permits.


TM?

Marshmallow

TM? KU are his initials. And no I am not going to expose to his wife if I could even get thru to her. hah!

I dared not ask...thanks for asking Marsh. I know it's a horrible thing to want to know, especially knowing the pain that an A can cause.

HTM

SWW,

Keep working on your plan to move back and get the other job. Ignore anything that she is telling you. She is used to playing games with you and getting what she wants. You need to stabilize your situation, continue your Plan A and once you get back if she is still behaving this way, prepare for Plan B, staying in your home with your kids, if possible.

I don't think she's ever going to change, but if you stay with Dr. Harley's plans, she might come around. Did you get a chance to call? And when do you get the new job?

Ahh, ok.

I'm not surprised. He's had addiction problems and looks like a sleeze.

Nicole is way too good for him.

Soooo, did you call Dr. Harley yet?