Temporary spousal support. Get a lawyer to start a legal sep before you leave. This is part of making a plan to get away from him.

JosieJones,

Wow, this is moving so fast it's making my head spin. I'm not sure I'm ready for a legal separation yet. It seems like nothing more than a step towards divorce.

Mys

I'm not worried about it. I'll either do it or I won't. If I do, then pretty much none of this stuff matters. If I don't I may as well get used to living within my means.

I've looked at small apartments. All I need room for are my computers, books, and bed - then maybe one or two special items so I feel like home.

Mys

I don't think the local hospital is a teaching hospital. I think they all get shipped up to Kansas State.

I'm in the boonies.

Mys

Stella,

I've often wondered if his only real 'loves' in life are his pets. I don't think he trusts people every much. Not even me.

Mys

Mys, I would suggest you read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. It appears from my perspective that you refuse to navigate your way around obstacles with any efficiency.
Life is full of opportunities and the best way to improve your lot in life is to start recognizing the gifts laid before you.
FIND A WAY....get help...if you have to go out of the boonies for help...DO IT. I too live in the boonies now...BUT, when I need excellent care, I travel to Baltimore or to Philly.

I would guess that you are a glass is half empty...with a crack in it too...type of person. THAT is a choice. I don't think you need to be Miss Sunshine...but you can start doing things that will add to your life.

The book is a VERY fast read. I would also recommend that you do a web search and watch the video of his lecture (still read the book though). I really think it could help you.

You may be right. I think the biggest reason L cited for having affairs is I'm a 'negative person.' I can see why he would feel that way. I'll see if the book is in the library but I am buried in grading atm.

Mys

Don't forget to look into being a house mother. Probably free rent.

mys

just be really really honest with people here...
and tell us what it is you want

what is it you are seeking at marriagebuilders...

I feel like people give suggestion, perspective, and advice, one after another.....

but I am not sure that is what you want and am running out of suggestions.....

what do you want??????


here's perhaps my final suggestion...

I've often wondered if his only real 'loves' in life are his pets. I don't think he trusts people every much. Not even me.


look real pertty.....when he comes home....smell fabulous...

smile at him....

tell him that when he's not home you kick his animals....hard so they yelp....
and if he doesn't get them and himself out in the next thirty days....

your plan is to get rid of them.....wink wink wink

then batt your pretty eyes and walk away...

I'd do that....
that's what I'd do..

desperate times
desperate measures...

ARK

catperson,

I'm not sure I'm willing to take on a bunch of freshmen and sophomores.

<shiver>

Mys

mys, you may think that, but I think you'd be surprised by how much it would invigorate you to be around 100 happy, enthusiastic, OPTIMISTIC, people.

Please consider it. You're making so much progress from last year. Don't stop now. Open up your possibilities. You can always quit and move out.

Ark,


I want to save my marriage. That is why I am here.

The general consensus seems to be that I need to Plan B. So I'll give that a try. I do not want a divorce.

Fair enough?

Mys

I'll check it out but I'm not sure they'd allow it because I'm considered faculty. I think that might blur the line a bit too much.

On the other hand, they might be thrilled about it. I am a pretty good tutor in a number of subjects.

Mys

I think the ONLY way he will EVER learn to respect you is if you respect yourself and go Plan B. DARK Plan B.

do you want a divorce to the point of accepting things as status quo as they are TODAY...
\
never changing....

are you willing to stay in the marriage with him if he changes NOTHING>.....

these are not challenging defensive questions...

these are your thoughts on this...
so people know what you really want....

if your marriage of today is the same marriage next year.....is it an acceptable partnership to you

what do you base not wanting to be divorced on

ark

No, I don't want to be married "like this"
Rather, to say, I would divorce but I still wouldn't want to.

I base my not wanting to divorce on BOTH of us making necessary changes.

To sum up I want to do everything practical to save this marriage.

Mys

what changes are you working on in the marital relationship realm right now....

not your own career...schooling...financial....etc..

but on the relationship

you said earlier he says you can be over negative...

do you agree

are you/have worked on changing that...

how is that going....

what else does he say are his 'reasons' for the affair...

and while in his case he has little to no right to put any of this on you.....

we do discuss here at MB the WS supposed 'reasons' for the affair and encourage BS to remove those obstacles from the excuse menu...
so that it has to come back full circle to their choices..inspite of what a BS did or didn't do...

so what his reasons.....

OK-- Mys... we need to start formulating a plan here.

So, we've established the following (correct me if I'm wrong):

1. You are going to leave the house, and you are going to find a small apartment for yourself. You do not have anyone close that you could stay with (really? Even for a few weeks? A family member, co-worker, friend?)

2. Your finances are all joint

3. You live in KS (I know nothing about KS state laws... anyone chime in here? I'm a law dud, so the law part I'm not going to be much of a help with).

4. We need plan B.

So, here's what I think we need to do first.

1. I do think you need to visit a lawyer, find out YOUR RIGHTS in your state if you decide to leave the house. Many do free first time consultations. This isn't stepping towards divorce, its learning your RIGHTS. Knowledge is freedom. At the very least, I do like the idea of the women's shelter, and I think that they would probably also have a good deal of legal knowledge. So, bust out those yellow pages and start making a few calls. See if you can get an appointment set up within the next few days. Don't tell your H what you are doing.

2. If there's really NO ONE that you can stay with for a few weeks (which I think would be best to get you through the worst of the "withdrawal" from this awful man-- and then also you don't have to worry about signing leases, etc.... )... then start going to look at apartments.

3. It concerns me a bit when you say things like "you don't want to take anything but one or two personal items". I'm not saying you should take him to the cleaners, but don't short yourself. You are going to need cooking utensils, bedding, bathroom stuff, etc. Don't leave that all for him and buy new stuff-- that's not fair! Stand up for yourself Mys. Remember, the reason you are leaving is because he's being an @ss. Don't let him be an @ss and have his cake too (ie, keep everything!).

4. Get your own checking and savings account... like, yesterday. In fact, I think this should be #1 on your list, and you should do it TODAY. In your name ONLY. Start putting YOUR paychecks in there. If you think he'd notice that, then start transferring small amounts of money you think he wouldn't notice until we have our ducks in a row....

My point is Mys, we need to DO things and work towards getting you out of there. It IS the only way he's ever going to respect you-- EVER. And the only way you will ever be able to save your marriage. As back-@ss-wards as it sounds, you are doing this for your marriage-- because its not going to survive this way and "normal" methods of getting through to him have failed.

No more sitting here on this board discussing things. Lets empower you-- and lets do that by WORKING towards this.

I know you want to save your M, but I think you need a little distance from the M at this point in order to see things clearly. I often see a lot of debate on threads from people about what people should or shoudln't do... but this is one of the few times the consensus is clear. Plan B. Its just a matter of HOW you should do it at this point. So lets get rolling. It will be hard and scary at first, but in the long run so worth it.

OK, enough reading, and get your butt to the bank for your OWN account. And break out the yellow pages, call a women's shelter and/or lawyer. Those are your assignments for today, Mys.

E.

Ark,

He says that I am a negative person and he wasn't getting adequate return on his investment in the relationship.

He describes negativity as: always wanting to talk about the relationship, talking about negative events that are going on in my life (my father's heart surgery), talking about negative emotions such as frustration, anxiety, or depression.

I have more or less stopped talking to him about those things. No more family updates. No more general expressions of how I feel. No more bad news unless it directly affects him.

He also complained that I wasn't as much fun as he'd like me to be. He loves to ride motorcycles so I (basically) made the decision to buy 2 motorcycles and have been trying to learn to ride. He says he's not having fun with me yet because I'm still too much of a novice but I really don't know how to fix that without riding more.

He also complained about sex. So I have been initiating sex an average of 2-3 times a week regardless of how he treats me.

He said (in marriage counseling) that if I would do those 3 things he would be completely satisffied with me, however, that still doesn't seem to be the case. That is what I have done.


He says he's happy with the relationship now but he's afraid it will go back to how it was - so he's not willing to commit to monogamy. He also promised to do things which he hasn't done - I confronted him about that last MC session. According to him, it's too hard. He also seemed very unhappy that I wasn't happier because things "are going so much better between us."


Mys

is he currently in physical relationships with OP
and
has he been tested....

have you....

ark