How does all that go though if you feel you have to do something legal for the child and you know it could tun into a court battle?
Or do you recommend not going the legal route that might interfere with Plan A?
You can have a lawyer and fight for custody in any separation agreement, which is what probably should happen and what you should seek if she is going to keep living at her mother's house. But that does NOT preclude doing a great Plan A whenever and wherever possible.
The idea of Plan A has nothing at all to do with avoiding conflict. A state of conflict is actually an improvement since her current state is withdrawal; she has basically checked out of the marriage all together.
So, you don't have to avoid making her mad or stop trying to do or say what is right. you just state what is right and then move past it and create an atmosphere of standing up for your family.
Plan A is:
Meet her ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.
Expect nothing in return.
Expose where needed.
Stand up for truth.
Show courage in the face of seeming hopelessness.
When she is with you, your goal should be to make her want to stay. You do this by making with you a safe, enjoyable place to be and not one of constant arguing, Angry Outbursts (Serious Love Buster there) or Disrespectful Judgments (another serious LB.)
Don't try to convince her.
Don't try to tell her that you are a changed man.
Show her by your actions that you have changed.
Show her by your actions what staying married to you can be.
She says she is undecided. She probably is. What that means to HER is that she is undecided whether she wants to stay and end the affair or leave you and continue it. What she REALLY wants is both. She wants to remain married to you for safety, comfort and stability. She wants to fool around with OM for fun, enjoyment and her next fix. In order to overcome that mindset, you have to make with you better than with OM.
She's sitting on the fence. You have to knock her off. If you do it by drawing her toward you (a great Plan A) then when she falls off it will be toward you and not toward OM. If you do that by pushing her to decide or by forcing her to choose, she will fall into the arms of OM.
Oh, the affair will eventually end on it's own, she will wake up and see where she is and probably want to come home anyway, but if she ends the marriage and lives with OM and that becomes her "normal" it will become yours as well and you will move on...
And then, when the affair is over, which WILL happen, you will not want her back.
If you keep making deposits and avoid making withdrawals, your balance grows. This is true with money and is true with the Love Bank as well. You want to make deposits and stop withdrawing from her LB$.
Meet her ENs. (Deposits)
Avoid Love Busters. (Withdrawals)
Expect nothing visible to happen at any given instant of time.
For most BS the frustration comes from having unmet expectations. We do X and expect it to have Y as a side effect. Doesn't happen that way. Plan A almost never by itself causes an affair to end and the WS to recommit to the marriage and recovery.
So, you Plan A, prepare for Plan B and protect your son, your assets and your home.
If after a couple of months of Plan A the affair still rages on, then be ready to go to Plan B.
Read up on Plan B NOW and start getting your thoughts together as to what that will look like for you. Don't wait till you are burned out completely before starting to prepare.
You see, it is all part of a PLAN, not just some random stuff you try and if she doesn't come home try something else. It all works together and is all part of the same plan.
And it's all spelled out here. It's in the articles and basic concepts and the Q&A columns. And it has been played out time and again on these forums.
Go back and read from 6 months ago...or a year ago...or 3 years ago...or 10 years ago...The stories are all the same. We were all where you are now...
Some have recovered...
Some are recovering...
Some have moved on...
Many have healed and learned to live again no matter what the outcome of their marriage happened to be.
Information is power. Truth is your ally. Wisdom is strength.
All three are here, but you have to take them. They don't happen on their own.
Have you read SAA? If not get it or find it at the library near you and READ it and STUDY it.
MEMORIZE the Basic Concepts.
Learn about reverse babble and begin to practice it.
If you have the money, call the coaching center and get an appointment with Steve or Jennifer.
Identify your own Love Busters and put them to death.
Lock up your Taker for the next 3 or 4 months.
Focus on your goal like a gazelle fleeing a cheetah! Eat sleep and breath Plan A.
The better Plan A the more powerful the Plan B...
And the greater your chance of winning the war.
Mark