I read what your WW and the OM posted to everyone. And that was a crazy time. It goes to show you that shes in her own world.

The more we talk the more I have in my head going over and over. Theres alot of work to be done. Re read your original thread on what Marsh, Melody, and all the others have said. Get yourself together Men. You can. If you want something badly enough then advance towards it.

RMX remind me where which plan do you cut the other off financially in? Cant Men do it now since WW doesnt have a job and Men can set up another way to help with his son?

In the Superbowl of 2007, my Chicago Bears played the Colts of Indy.

The opening kick-off was run back for a touchdown. (Why do these guys still kick the ball to Devon Hester?) How did the Colts respond?

They came out and executed THEIR game plan. They didn't abandon their plan, but executed it with precision. They made only one real adjustment; they quit kicking the ball to Hester...

Plan A is...

Meet her ENs as much as she allows.
Avoid all love busters.
Expect NOTHING from her in return.


You do the above three things and you should make deposits into her Love Bank and avoid withdrawals from it due to love busters. The result of that will be that her feelings for you WILL begin to return.

Don't work on communications exercises with her.
Don't have constant talks about the relationship.
Don't keep telling her how hurt you are.
Don't negotiate the break-up of your marriage at all.

Meet her ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.
Expect NOTHING form her in return.

Do this for one month and reevaluate if needed.

Keep up exposure, but spend NO time talking recovery with an actively wayward wife.

Never try to teach a pig to dance.

It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never try to educate a wayward.

Same reasons...

Learn about reverse babble.

She says: "I'm tired of living like this."
You say: "Me too. I'm fixing potroast for dinner. Want to stay and have some?"

She says: "I want a divorce."
You say: "I don't want a divorce. You'll have to talk about that with my lawyer. I just got the best vanilla ice cream. Want some?"

She says: "Why won't you just let me go?"
You say: "I'm trying to keep my family intact. I found this really good Cabernet for 5 bucks a bottle. Want to try some?"

No matter what she does, you...

Meet her ENs.
Avoid love busters...

Have NO expectations...


Mark

Well, when she had her full-time job making some money, we were looking at another year maybe two. I'll look up Dave Ramsey. Thanks

No, I understand her getting mad. I was just telling you what happened. I was planning to re-fill it out but just haven't got to it yet.

I usually have gotten him a couple a night during the work week. Granted, a couple of nights I'm coaching a YMCA youth basketball team. This last weekend was the first that I had him for a weekend.

TY Mark!

So Mark

How does all that go though if you feel you have to do something legal for the child and you know it could tun into a court battle?

Or do you recommend not going the legal route that might interfere with Plan A?

Or what would be YOUR recommendation on handling this?

I would love it if he lived in HIS home, not her Mom's and if she wanted to take him anywhere or do anything with him (because I fear she will take him around the OM) that I have to know who, what, when, where and how.

No matter what, I am getting a RO against the OM on my son's behalf.

getting a RO on the OM for when your son is around is not a bad thing Men. Its showing you do not trust this guy for what hes done to you and your family. That you care deeply what goes on around your child.

But will you honestly know that hes not around him even with the RO in place? Do you have family/friends that will tell you if hes in the picture?

Are you going to finish exposing your WW to everyone? Its not about exposing to a small group. Its to EVERYONE. So what if your WW is babbling about people already knowing. I doubt they know it all.

I have forgotten what has made the WW stray?

You mean what caused her to have the A or why she decided to move out?

The funny thing about the exposure, I called asking if I can get the number of a couple of people - the family friend of her and her Mom that owns the house I live in and the woman that handles all his affairs including the house. Now, I've been wanting these phone numbers since she moved out so that, if something happens with the property, i can call one or both of them. heck, we've had sewage problems off and on since we've lived there.

She asks me what's the REAL reason I want the numbers. She says it seems all I keep doing is telling everyone about her life.... and they already know. She starts asking me (sarcastically of course) if I wanted anyone else's number, like her other best friend, etc.

I guess to both.

Why is she having the A?
Why did she move out?

Does she have an address book somewhere among the things she left behind? Paperwork filed somewhere where there might be any info to get these numbers? Do you know there full names to look them up in the directory/phone book? Before she got her new phone carrier with the cell can you look into the old ones and find numbers call them and see how they know your WW and if they say a friend then expose.

I can't answer why she's having the affair. There was neglect, lack of communication and affection. There was some selfishness on my part and I was going through somewhat of a depression for the year or two before all of this, but I didn't know it at the time.

She moved out she says to get clarity.


Well, i don't know what is up, whether she has read this thread or what. I called her to let her know I'm home (she was coming to drop off our son for the night), she didn't pick up and I left a message. She drove up no more than a minute later. I acted cheerful the whole time. I said, "I JUST left you a message." She acted like she never heard the phone. Usually, when she drops him off, she sticks around for a while and we talk. She came right in and started saying goodbye to him. I asked, "Oh, you're leaving already?" Her: "Yes." I said, "I'm making sloppy joes, playing some video games of his, gonna have some fun, you're welcome to join us." She just walks by with this face and says, "No thanks." I asked, "Are you OK, is something wrong?" Her: "No." and walked right out.

So, not sure what to make of all of that. If she read this thread, she knows I've at least considered seeing what options there are of getting our son back in the home. She would also know I lied to her when she asked if I have posted on here and I said no. I KNOW lying is a big LB, and I HATE lying to her at all, but I didn't want her to pry in a place I feel like I should have some privacy.

If it's not about the thread, I have no clue what it could be. I tried to get on our bank account this morning and couldn't get in, pswd wasn't working. I didn't know she made two different users (1 for me and 1 for her) to see our accounts. Anyway, somehow me trying and failing logging on, which I didn't know was HER username, messed up the system or something and she couldn't get on later. So, she called me, jumping down my throat as if I was locking her out on purpose. This is after I asked her earlier for those phone numbers, so she was grilling me on if I'm trying to do something behind her back.

I have no clue.

Not blaming this board AT ALL, but ever since I've posted here things have gone backwards. LOL!!!

Well just enjoy your time with your son. Did u set up an appt to talk about legal rights and what not pertaining to him? I wish you could find someone to take care of him while you were at work. Maybe do some postings at the library for p/t daycare and set it up??? Theres alot to consider right now Men. And it depends on which road you take.

Do you know of anyone in the neighborhood with a kid your sons age? maybe get to know them and do play dates? Get to know people around you if you do not already!

Have fun with your son!

So, for some reason putting my son to bed is my favorite part of the time he stays with me. I guess because it's just us, son and father, no TV, no computer, just us.

So, after I read to him, I've been laying with him a while lately. Normally, he will just lay there and then, at some point, he'll roll over to and let you know he's ready to be tucked in and go to sleep (meaning, get out! LOL!) But, tonight he wanted to be close. He kept rolling over to where he would snuggle up to me for a while. Then, he just decided to roll over on top of me, head on my chest, he pulled my arms to be around him and he's snoring within 2 minutes. I just laid there for a good 20 minutes, rubbing his back and head, not wanting to interrupt his sleep.

Since she moved, I don't get these types of moments at all and it felt great. I REALLY felt like his DADDY again. It's been a while since I've had that feeling.

Anyway, just had to tell someone. LOL!!

And cherish those moments. They grow up WAY to fast!

My 2 yr old daughter has been nothing but playful with me all evening. I love those moments!! At one point I had my 2 yr old and 5 yr wanting to be tickled.

As someone with my one and only daughter turning 18 (sob!) in 5 weeks...amen to that.

You can have a lawyer and fight for custody in any separation agreement, which is what probably should happen and what you should seek if she is going to keep living at her mother's house. But that does NOT preclude doing a great Plan A whenever and wherever possible.

The idea of Plan A has nothing at all to do with avoiding conflict. A state of conflict is actually an improvement since her current state is withdrawal; she has basically checked out of the marriage all together.

So, you don't have to avoid making her mad or stop trying to do or say what is right. you just state what is right and then move past it and create an atmosphere of standing up for your family.

Plan A is:

Meet her ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.
Expect nothing in return.

Expose where needed.
Stand up for truth.
Show courage in the face of seeming hopelessness.

When she is with you, your goal should be to make her want to stay. You do this by making with you a safe, enjoyable place to be and not one of constant arguing, Angry Outbursts (Serious Love Buster there) or Disrespectful Judgments (another serious LB.)

Don't try to convince her.
Don't try to tell her that you are a changed man.
Show her by your actions that you have changed.
Show her by your actions what staying married to you can be.

She says she is undecided. She probably is. What that means to HER is that she is undecided whether she wants to stay and end the affair or leave you and continue it. What she REALLY wants is both. She wants to remain married to you for safety, comfort and stability. She wants to fool around with OM for fun, enjoyment and her next fix. In order to overcome that mindset, you have to make with you better than with OM.

She's sitting on the fence. You have to knock her off. If you do it by drawing her toward you (a great Plan A) then when she falls off it will be toward you and not toward OM. If you do that by pushing her to decide or by forcing her to choose, she will fall into the arms of OM.

Oh, the affair will eventually end on it's own, she will wake up and see where she is and probably want to come home anyway, but if she ends the marriage and lives with OM and that becomes her "normal" it will become yours as well and you will move on...

And then, when the affair is over, which WILL happen, you will not want her back.

If you keep making deposits and avoid making withdrawals, your balance grows. This is true with money and is true with the Love Bank as well. You want to make deposits and stop withdrawing from her LB$.

Meet her ENs. (Deposits)
Avoid Love Busters. (Withdrawals)
Expect nothing visible to happen at any given instant of time.

For most BS the frustration comes from having unmet expectations. We do X and expect it to have Y as a side effect. Doesn't happen that way. Plan A almost never by itself causes an affair to end and the WS to recommit to the marriage and recovery.

So, you Plan A, prepare for Plan B and protect your son, your assets and your home.

If after a couple of months of Plan A the affair still rages on, then be ready to go to Plan B.

Read up on Plan B NOW and start getting your thoughts together as to what that will look like for you. Don't wait till you are burned out completely before starting to prepare.

You see, it is all part of a PLAN, not just some random stuff you try and if she doesn't come home try something else. It all works together and is all part of the same plan.

And it's all spelled out here. It's in the articles and basic concepts and the Q&A columns. And it has been played out time and again on these forums.

Go back and read from 6 months ago...or a year ago...or 3 years ago...or 10 years ago...The stories are all the same. We were all where you are now...

Some have recovered...

Some are recovering...

Some have moved on...

Many have healed and learned to live again no matter what the outcome of their marriage happened to be.

Information is power. Truth is your ally. Wisdom is strength.

All three are here, but you have to take them. They don't happen on their own.

Have you read SAA? If not get it or find it at the library near you and READ it and STUDY it.

MEMORIZE the Basic Concepts.

Learn about reverse babble and begin to practice it.

If you have the money, call the coaching center and get an appointment with Steve or Jennifer.

Identify your own Love Busters and put them to death.

Lock up your Taker for the next 3 or 4 months.

Focus on your goal like a gazelle fleeing a cheetah! Eat sleep and breath Plan A.

The better Plan A the more powerful the Plan B...

And the greater your chance of winning the war.



Mark

Thanks as always Mark. I read and study your posts every time. I just keep using them as ways to hammer in the point of what I should be doing. Thanks.

I did buy a copy of SAA yesterday, should be in next week.

I had our son for the last two nights. Last night, like I said, was awesome. So, the first night without him is pretty hard. This is when I miss my family the most.

Also, I've been coaching a youth YMCA basketball team. When I get home from a game (like tonight) it SUCKS not having my wife/best friend to come home to and talk about it like I've had for 9+ yrs. anytime I played or coached.

So, I got a double whammy tonight. LOL!!


You know what's one great thing about all of this. I have gotten so much closer to my Mom it's not even funny. We seem to talk on the phone every night these days and she even offered to let me call her tonight after the game if I wanted (she goes to bed around 8:30 and I get home afterwards from the games).

Anyway, in my big house alone so I just needed to talk to anyone. Thanks for listening.

Hey Mo,

I know that sucky feeling of being alone and your best friend isnt there. I have to go to work shortly so I cant chat, but just wanted to let you know someone was out here and reading

Lil

I appreciate it, LD