You know what just occurred to me?

I BET THE OM DUMPED HER!

And that is why she is so angry and so anxious to give you the boot!! You delivered a huge blow to her affair, I bet!

He probably told her that he will have nothing to do with her UNTIL YOU LEAVE!!

I bet you have the affair on the run and you don't even realize it!!

That makes total sense.

Thanks guys. I will try to see if what you say is what happened. I have been in such a fog myself over this whole thing I have not been terribly perceptive. I will have see if I can sniff this out over the next week.

BC,

I am the same age as you are and have been M a bit longer. I think that you are making knee-jerk reactions here. DO NOT make any decisions now about your M. You are too emotional to make any kind of long term decision about this.

You have 30+ years and have raised children together. You did all of your "firsts" together - child, house, etc. Think about it - no one else can replace your WW and she can't replace you either. No one else can offer that to either one of you. A D will only wipe out everything that you have spent a lifetime together building! Atty fees, splitting assets, etc. will wipe out your retirement.

For sure though, DO NOT let her kick you out. Grow some round ones man, and be a man!! Stand up to her or she will never respect you. Women want a man they can respect. Don't be a wimp. My WH got ticked too when I called the OP, opened his mail, checked his cell phone records etc. So what? There isn't anything you can do at this point to make it worse. She is going to continue to say and do those things whether you stand up for yourself or not.

Her perceived personality disorder is probably the addiction. I've heard many men say that they think their wives lost their minds when they were in the middle of an A.

You will be sorry down the road if you don't do everything possible to save your M. 30+ years - you owe it to yourself and your WW to keep her from making the biggest mistake of her life.

Now grow those round ones and start taking charge of your family and your future.

BC: So is an affair and trying to make me move out of my home.

BC: So let's see if we can work together.
BC: I don't discuss divorce, only marriage. Have your lawyer call my lawyer.

Everything is from the script of the wayward.

My wife when confronted said she wanted a divorce.

When she found out I'd told her sister, she said I was controlling.

When she found out I had told her step mother, she said I was ruining her life.

When she found out I had told our pastor and her best friend, she said she was thinking about reconciling but NOW we were through.

She said I should leave.

She said she was leaving. (She had someplace she could live right next door to OM and since HIS wife had already separated from him she probably could have moved right in there.)

That was all 3 months before our 33rd anniversary.

Next month we will be married for 35 years.

She's still here.

I'm still here.

We're still married.

We're working together to get our finances in order for retirement TOGETHER.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I made it and a lot of that was because of what I found here.

I read SAA and FIL/SIL.

I read everything I could find on adultery.

I studied the Basic Concepts of Dr Harley and made sure I understood them.

I worked on myself.

I changed my half and met her ENs.

I identified my love busters and put them to death as much as possible.

I kept meeting her ENs until she began to feel it.

A few months after D-day she sent me an email thanking me for not letting her go...

Mark

bcboy, what did the OM say to you? What did you say to him?

What might have happened is that your W has been telling the OM that you are "separating" voluntarily and are getting divorced, therefore, she is available for dating. She might have been telling him you were all cooperative and didn't mind if she dated other ppl. It is TYPICAL that a WS will lie to the OP like that.

So, when you confronted the OM, you ruined her gig and revealed her as a liar. He might have even dumped her, telling her that he would have nothing to do with her until you are [REALLY] separated.

Your confrontation of the OM apparently hit the mark in a HUGE WAY and this is a VERY GOOD THING. Her reaction tells me that you hit the right mark, so you should keep the pressure up on him. If you have any inkling he sees her again, go have another come-to-Jesus with him. Tell him you are not getting divorced, are not separating and will fight for your marriage.

Tell him it WOULD NOT BE WISE TO COME ON YOUR PROPERTY. Disappointment may be his lot in life when you call the police to have him removed for criminal trespass. I suspect you are not Texan or I would tell you to .... NEVER MIND.

Well tonight was a big blow out from W. She was furious as I had exposed the EA and the proposed separation to an older couple we have been in a Bible study with. She is furious that I had the audacity to embaress her , making her look like a harlot when nothing was going on. I have just put the nail in the coffin of our marriage and she hate my guts.

She has not been honest with me, I told her that, and she said she is not honest because she needs to protect herself emotionally. I repeated that she was having an Emotional Affair.

She did tell me the OM talked to her after I confronted him and he said they should cool things down. (He has expressed interest in keeping picking up the friendship later on. Gag me) I said so you admit then you were having an EA. "No!! This is just friendship. He has many female friends. I am lonely and have been for some time you have been distant" By you doing what you did is driving me away from you into the arms of another man. But what you did was wrong and you need to apologize to OM as we are separated. You don't seem to get it. I have a Christian counsellor and he is recommending we separate.

I told her I do not want to separate. You want to separate. You are still married.

She tells me she did not believe in Divorce, but she has been very unhappy in the M and she left emotionally 5 years ago. She met with her councellor over her decision to separate.
the councillor told her God is a loving Father and he wants us to be happy.

If I don't go then she will as I am still in the house and she wants to separate. She told me we were separating 2 months ago and is finding it too difficult with me in the house. Right now with the level of mistrust and lies she has generated I am growing weary of the fight.

I know I have been clumbsy in our relationship. I have tried to meed her needs but I always seemed to come up short. I did not think that telling a man to respect our marriage was emotional abuse and control. She is saying I am controlling and this is just another example. I thought I was just trying to save a marriage.

She say you I will be getting all kinds of sympathy because she is the one who decided to separate. She also told me that she does not trust me, but the OM is trustworthy. (And she thinks there is no EA going on here)

I takes two to break down a marriage. How can I determine if I am controlling or emotionally abusive? This is the most heart breaking, exhausting, mind numbing thing I have ever done.

BCBOY, bless your heart, unless there is a lot more to your history, your wife is GASLIGHTING you into thinking you're emotionally abusive. Asking her boyfriend not to come catting around in YOUR home, is not abusive, but honorable of you.

But just for the sake of full disclosre, give us some other examples of what you've done that she thinks ranks as abusive. Also, have you given her any reason that you can think of, to say you aren't trustworthy, or is it just that she can't trust you to keep her nasty little secret?

And about W's counselor, either a quack, or they have not heard about the affair, only some trumped up version of you being a raging maniac. No good Christian counselor would ever suggest separating some a wayward could continue an affair. I would bet money that counselor is being lied to. See, it's good that you are exposing before she runs in front and paints a dishonest picture of you to everyone.

I still think it's laughable that your wife claims you are already separated when you live in your home, and she does too. What a stupid trick. Do you see how out of touch her affair is making her?

I can put on a crown and call myself the Queen of England, but that doesn't make it so.

Anyhow, fill us in a bit. Let's hear a few more honest examples of your actions or reactions. Your friends here will tell you bluntly whether you have abuse issues.

And just let me reiterate, do NOT move out, do not sign any papers, and whatever you do, secure your finances and don't let her have access to any savings, to your paycheck, or any credit cards with your name on them.

A moral man should not have to finance his wife's adultery.

BC,

Please listen to the people here. They ALL say things like your WW is saying. "were just friends" is from the Affair 101 book. It's the first thing they learn. They HAVE to find a way to blame you for what they are doing. It gives them the justification to continue.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. She wants to seperate - let her move out.

bcb, my good friend, you are being gaslighted. Your wife is reacting in anger that you are defending yourself and interfering in her affair. It is very important that you STICK TO THE PATH and don't let her smoke and mirrors scare you off the path.

I would start first by telling her you have no desire to move out and won't be going anywhere. And since you are already "separated" according to her then there is no reason to go anywhere. Make it CLEAR TO HER that you will not move.

She needs to fully understand that you are not going to lie down and allow her to destroy your marriage.

bcb, the thing you are not understanding is that this is NOT YOUR WIFE. Do you even recognize this crazy, bitter woman? That is because her affair has the same effect on her as crack has on the mind of a crack addict. The addict is crazy and will say and do anything to protect their CRACK. Your wife is HIGH on the addiction of her adultery. Plain and simple.

This is not your wife. But you can have your wife back if she ends her affair and withdraws. That is why we are telling you to do everything in your power to disrupt her affair, ie: exposure, confrontation, refusal to facilitate the affair.

So when she rants and raves this fogbabble to you, look at her and recognize that you are dealing with a CRACKHEAD who is high on CRACK and DO NOT allow yourself to react emotionally to her hurtful statements.

Can you do that?

You quit dat lyin, I am the Queen of England!!

Does God approve of ADULTERY? bcb, what she is doing is ADULTERY and adulterers HATE THAT WORD, especially those with a Christian background. I bet ya good money she has NEVER told her Christian counselor the real reason she wants to "separate," her ADULTERY.

I would strongly suggest that you start using the word ADULTERY when you discuss this with her. She will be furious but she desperately needs to hear ACCURATE descriptions being applied to her behavior. She has deluded herself into believing that God just wants her to be "happy" completely ignoring the fact that GOD HATES ADULTERY.

I would also stop saying "emotional affair" and say "ADULTEROUS AFFAIR" when you expose. Just leave it at that. An affair is an affair.

And that is the only reason she wants you out, bcb. It is all about her affair.

Hi bcb-

I'm just looking around for the "Wayward Spouse" script because your WW is following it like a football play book.


I just want to comment on this one statement. It is used frequently by those who believe in God to justify their behavior. And it does not line up with what God has said in His word, which is where we find His truth that hasn't been watered down to fit the desires of WS's or stupid counselors-if that's what the IC really did say. Waywards have a way of hearing what they want to hear.


This "God wants me to be happy" view makes God like a permissive parent who lets His kids get away with naughty behavior because it makes them "happy". And it is not supported by God's word.

What God actually says in His word is that He wants us to have "abundant life" and He set up boundaries-just like a good parent-to help us have that life.

Think about the 10 commandments. They aren't a bunch of "don't do this." The first four are about how His people should honor Him and worship Him. The 5th one is about how to have good family relationships. And the last 5 are how to treat other people, because if you really want to get along with others, you shouldn't kill them; sleep with their spouse; lie about them; steal their stuff; or be envious of their success. Pretty practical IMHO

But, because He is a loving God who has given us the free will to choose to follow His better path, or our own selfish way, we can choose the selfish path and its consequences. Even King David-a "man after God's own heart"-had to suffer the consequences for his A and subsequent cover-up of it.

Don't listen to her anger. Your M can survive her being p!$$@&. It can't survive having another person in it.

Hang in there.

bcboy, do y'all belong to a church? If so, I would consult with your pastor and ask him to intervene. They can often be very influential. Most churches have a defined Biblical process when a member is in an active state of sin.

Years ago I was having difficulty with my anger. I took anger management and changed the way I dealt with anger. Instead of reacting right away I now stop, say and do nothing. I think about what has happened, if I find I am feeling upset or angry I then will wait for a period of time for that to pass so I do not display any outbursts of anger. Now she says I am withholding and that is a form of control and mental abuse.

If my wife begins speaking to me in an upset or agitated manner and I bring this to her attention that I find it hard to discuss an issue when she is sounding so angry. Can we talk about it calmly. She tells me this is controlling and abusive behaviour because she feels she does not have the right to bring up a grievance.

She is self admittedly emotional in her decision making process. She describes me as rational and analytical. If she brings up an issue and I start to look at the options I tend to be methodical in my approach as I will link one event or circumstance to the next in a logical fashion. She does not like this as she feels I am discrediting how she feels about the issue. She tells me I am rational but not based in reality. She says you are like a lawyer who builds a case. This is emotional abuse. I think she feels treatened when I question how she arrived at the conclusion she did. She is usually quite good at making decisions based on "gut" feel. I am not so I need to connect the dots before I can buy in. This approach makes her upset. She feels I should know intuitively the right thing to do.

My wife has always had issues with boundaries. I used to say we lived in a house with not screens on the windows, the bugs or issues can fly in anytime they want. We had some friends who were demanding a lot of her, she cannot say no. Their demands were impacting our family, they had expectations and were imposing on us. I had to step in and tell them that this was not a good time for us and perhaps we could look at a later time. My wife got very embarassed by this, she will do anything to make things look good on the surface and finds it very very difficult to think she has let someone down. I felt we had the option to say no and stood up and said no. She felt I was being controlling. The children were being impacted negatively by these people as well. When she said lets just do it and get it over with, and I said we had the right to say no, I am tired of these people imposing on us like this, she felt I was not respecting her opionion. By me changing the arrangements I was not being respectful of her, I was being controlling and mentally abusive. However at least the kids said thanks to me for making the changes.

She feels I have been disrespectful. She was expressing how she felt about how controlling I had been over this situation. I said that is ridiculous. We do have the right to say no in this circumstance, it was not a good time, it was an imposition, we did not have to cancel the plans with other friends even though they would understand. By me confronting her thinking I was being disrespectful. At the time I felt why she was upset was she needs to feel accepted and by me saying no I was introducing the opportunity for her to feel rejected by this couple. I felt I just had to do what she decieded. I told her we need to agree on how we are spending our time, I want to be consulted before we commit to something. She said she needed to make a decision and I was not availble at the time. I said then delay the decision. She felt I was not respecting her decision.

Those are some of the examples. I am not blaming my wife. I recognize I have not met her emotional needs. That is why she is looking out side of the marriage.

There are many factors at play here. And that is what makes it confusing to deal with for me. This situation is ripping my guts out.

To clarify about the Christian counsellor. I got some clarification on what he said. My wife met with him and told him she had made a decision to separate from me. She was struggling with making that decision because of her beliefs. He said he was not surprised. He said God is a loving parent. More in a vein of God understands her pain. I was not accurate when I said he recommended separation.

Regarding church. We just moved a year ago and have not really attended a church here. We were attending a fellowship group, but she did not feel real comfortable there. One of the members of the group asked her how her walk with the Lord was, and I think she felt somewhat threatened. She said "they do not know where I have been and how low I have felt. I do not feel I can share with that group as they are quite rigid. I need to get healed up and I don't need to be judged."

Let me know if you need more

I have not used the word adultery because I do not believe PA has taken place. The EA is just as painful though

I should also mention that she told me she is lonely and has been for some time. I have been distant and I have driven her out of the marriage.

I don't think she is willing to do the NC letter. I think she is going to carry on with this OM at some point in time. She tells me she is at the point where she does not care what others think about her. She is prepared for that. She needs time to heal. She cannot heal with me around.

I am not leaving the house. And that is driving her nuts. However I am not sure how much longer I can live under the stress and tension that is here. This is one very poor way to live.

Only if your crown is bigger than mine!!

Thank you for taking time to give a very detailed description of your interactions with your wife. What you have described is NOT emotional abuse, nor overly controlling by my definition. Hopefully others will weigh in with their opinions.

It looks to me as if your wife is taking a difference in communication styles and trying to gaslight you into believing that because you don't say and act exactly like she likes, that you are abusive and controlling. It is a common trick, and a nasty one.

BCBOY, your WW is responsible for her affair. Do not try to own the blame for her. YES, you may have contributed to an atmosphere in which she found that choice easy, but believe me, she DID have a choice. There are so many acceptable ways a person can choose to deal with a situation. Finding a boyfriend is not one of those ways. She is disrespecting you in the worst way.

You seem like you are willing to own up to YOUR failures, and that is a good thing. However trying to own your wife's too, is not healthy for either of you.

Please do not let her wear you down. I am going to be praying that you find the strength to fight this battle in such a way that she sees she cannot bully you. SHE is the one who is guilty of abusing you emotionally by trying to manipulate and control you to allow and even fund her adultery. That is so very cruel.

Thank you for your response. I also recognize that I am describing things from my vantage point. If I have a problem I want to do something about it.

I had one post from medc. He sounds like he has knowledge on this issue. I would like to find out what steps I need to take to find out if I am or not. I don't think I am. But I want to make sure.

This is where it gets confusing. Other self help books want you to take control.

Funny that you mention about me taking responsibility of her actions as well. I just had a friend tell me the same thing. He said when are you going to start looking after you rather than everyone else.

My wife has complained that she thinks I am self centered and controlling so I have been working hard not to be that way. Don't think it has worked as she still feels that way. I guess I had better start looking after myself now. I don't think anyone else is going to.