Hey W2S....

I know you have been "following"...you have an awesome intel source, but I won't reveal who that is...

Sleep seems to be elusive these days. Has been since the surgery. Also, I think I have been trying so hard in R that only in the late of night does the pain of the A haunt me....I seem to do ok with it during the day and evening, but not when I SHOULD be sleeping.....That's ok for now, since I am on summer break...


and Laundry??? Well, since my "Laundry-boy" is MIA, yes I have LOADS to do......

Not2fun

Hi Not2fun

Sorry, I didn't mean to be a drive by poster or rude... I've just been busy, that's all.

I'll try and drop by more often.

Amazin.

Good afternoon folks.....

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know WS and I had an amazing talk last night. Seems like I am doing a good job at meeting some keys EN'S for him. I explained to him how HNHN helped me see "the light" on some of those needs. DS is still VERY hard for me to get though. I mean I get it, but I am not a "clean freak" if you will, so this one is a real struggle.....

Anyway, it was a great talk. We also talked about the A a little. It seems as though it began in a different way then what I had thought. I mean I was not totally way off base, but I was a little. It was enlightening. I still don't get it, but I do think that I probably never will. Maybe because a rational person cannot make sense of a irrational action. Even he doesn't quite understand himself. Maybe because he is slowly returning to "normal"???

Anyway, it did help a little. Left me with some questions, which I wrote down, but it was a very hard to hear what we did talk about so I will address those questions another day. Don't want to withdrawl too much now do we.

Anyway, nothing last night was over the top and in fact i was not in a most pleasant mood, BUT the night ended on a PERFECT note for both of us..... . Which put me in a great mood today and makes me hopeful once again......

It also makes me think these Harley folks sure know what they are talking about....

not2fun

Nothing like finding your thread on Page 11....hmmm...is that a good sign or a bad sign???

Ok....what to do, what to do???

Man, those who say recovery will not be easy have it so incrediably right......it is hard. Luckily though, the good times do seem to help through the bad......

here's the current problem......

I went to WS condo today (yes he still has it even though he is hardly there....in fact the electric was turned off...). I have been doing my checking to see if in fact NC is in place and so far it seems it has.

Anyway, I went to his condo to see his mail and see if he has gotten anything recently from her in the mail. They (well she did anyway...) did send cards to each other occasionally. Anyway, I looked around because I knew he would not have left it laying around, and no I didn't find any, BUT I found a necklace.

Ok, time for a little refresher course.....

I had found WS CC bill with stuff bought on it back in DEc. (early days after Dday...). I had also found a receipt for an expensive necklace and earrings. At the time, he said he bought them for me, during a time he "thought" of reconcilling, but then I kept behaving poorly and he changed his mind and took it back (jewerly was paid with cash, VS stuff bought on CC).

Anyway, this jewerly came up often during everything, and I always got the same story.

So, last week, when I was at his office, I found the jewelry receipt again. It had no return receipt attached to it and I asked him again. Again, I got the same story.

Now, I will say everytime this subject came up, he kept saying "why is it important???" or "why are concentrating on the past, not concentrating on us...?"

So ANYWAY, I found the necklace tucked in his sock drawer with an extra key to his place. (oh yeah, in an email I found shortly after cday, he had asked her if she wanted her necklace back...). It was the exact same necklace that was purchased in Dec., no earrings were found though.

Anyway, I confronted him. Got more of the same stuff as before, even though I can take the necklace to the store and have them match it up to their protection plan.

Anyway, the point is, I am not nearly as upset about the necklace (hey, I knew it was not for me, I've known all along, and all his attempts to gaslight me on this failed......) as I am about the lying about it. I am not even upset he still had it (which I now have it.....not sure what to do with it, but that is not what I need to concentrate on right now....).

He does not understand why it is important to me to know the truth about these things. He wants it to stay in the past....he hates what he has done, and has come to dispise her, but he doesn't understand why this important to me......

I haven't asked anything new about the A. I really don't have any "new" questions to ask, but even if I did, I can't say I would believe him. Plus the hassle of asking and his hating of it......

so what to do????

not2fun

He is not truly sorry and he does not emphathize with what you have been going through. If another affair opportunity presents itself, I wouldn't be surprised if he takes it.

Remember: YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF.

The goal is NOT to get him to understand. That's a DJ. He has every right to his own viewpoint. If's it's IMPORTANT to you...IT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU....

SPEAK YOUR OWN TRUTH. That's your job.

"It's important to ME for you to ALWAYS tell me the truth".

Let him know how you YOU feel about it with NO EXPECTATION for him to UNDERSTAND.

Then, let him EXPLAIN, without YOUR presumptions, what his take on this particular issue is.

I had to learn this myself from a WISE WOMAN on this forum who taught me how to SPEAK MY OWN TRUTH.

AND..REMEMBER..he is still foggy..he will be a much different person in a month or so...

oh I know.....

And I did state my truths....

But what he's not getting is that I am not sure how much of this stuff I can kept taking (this isn't the first time around this crap....)....

And I know its not my job to MAKE him understand, but sometimes I feel that that day is closer and closer.....

not to mention having to continue to ACCEPT what has happened and what went on....the way he was....

which, I know you say is "evil doings", but let me tell you, the emails, the cards, all that affection crap that went into it, is not how is was with me. And when I would tell him about this (pre-A....) I got told to "accept" that this was not him, but YET he could do it for her???? When it was some of the same stuff I NEEDED????? Yet I was just to ACCEPT THIS, and I did????

Yes, this all has put me in a bad mood......

and I am tired of addressing this, and him telling me "how do you want our day to go???" because HE doesn't want to talk about this or because I don't believe his gaslighting. Seriously, we keep having to put this stuff on the backburner....and sometimes it is more than I can deal with.....

not2fun

No amount of TALKING or ARGUING about it is going to make the AFFAIR go away.

I thought he is being AFFECTIONATE with you, NOW?

What do you WANT?

I fully understand you being UPSET...but UPSET you will be.. for a LONG, LONG TIME...

He can't take it AWAY..

He can't go back NOW and make it not have happened...

All he can do is treat YOU the way that YOU want to be treated NOW...

I thought that was happening...

NOT:

You've not shared all the GREAT STUFF that your H has been doing...to EVIDENCE that he is SORRY...

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....

You might do well to ignore this latest reincarnation of poster TD.

Just saying..

not2fun

What I want is for him to quit treating me like I am a stupid idiot that doesn't know anything. I had enough of that in the last 10 months. If something should surface about the A, just tell me the TRUTH....and don't lie about it. Also, DO NOT spin some stupid story that he thinks will make me "feel" better because it won't. Yes, I know I am hurt, I know it will take some time, I am doing my DARNEDEST to not bring it up all the time.......and I DON'T....but when something DOES come up, TREAT ME with the respect that I deserve......


Now, about his good stuff....

yes,, he has been doing wonderful. And actually he has changed LOADS.........(except when the A comes up, but even then there has been changes...)

He has spent tons of time with me....he is giving me hugs and kisses lots....he holds my hand, almost in a possessive way, when in public....we are having engaging conversations, and he tells me things that go on at work.....he is getting his business back to where it needs to be to pay the bills.......and he has opened up all area's of his life for me to see NC......he cooked me breakfast last week......he really has been attentive to me.....and he has shown me he is sorry, but he still cannot comprehend what I went through, and maybe he never truly can......

Oh, and he has been APPRICIATIVE of me when I meet HIS EN'S......

Hi Not,

Just wanted to stop by and say hi.

I'm Hoping, cheering and praying for you, your husband, your family and your marriage.

Amazin.

How does he TREAT you like a "stupid idiot"?


Did HE tell you that's WHY he does this? Ask him "WHY" he does this. And IF this is his reason, would you rather him to NOT CARE about your feelings. Maybe you need to HELP him to UNDERSTAND. Don't ASSUME that he does. Don't ASSUME what his reason is. Encourage him to TALK with you about this...how you TWO will handle such situations. Have a PLAN. Remember it is HURTFUL for him, too...NOT THE SAME as you...but HURTFUL to HIM, too...He's trying to figure out a way to HEAL himself just like you are in the process of HEALING...

Ahhh...RECOVERY..how difficult, difficult it is...


I'm liking that you are wanting this and are speaking up for yourself...WONDERFUL...


What do you mean by "COMPREHEND" what you went through?

I'm trying to RELATE to what you are saying.

I think my H KNOWS that it was AWFUL, DEVASTATING, LIFE-CHANGING for me BUT now that I've learned to appreciate and understand how much he loves me, I know that if he GOES THERE and tries to FULLY "COMPREHEND"(I'm feelin' you now) and IMAGINE what it was like for me, that it is really PAINFUL for him. I see the UTTER PAIN AND DISGUST in his eyes...

Your H is likely too EARLY in the process of RECOVERY to GO THERE...

He's coming off a HIGH, Not...months of DRUG-INDUCED INSANITY...

TIME AND PATIENCE...

You guys are doing all the RIGHT THINGS for EARLY RECOVERY..spending FUN TIME together...

HANG IN THERE...HANG IN THERE....

How can he respect you if you don't respect yourself? Tell him what you need from him, tell him when it hurts that he could do things for her that he SAID he couldn't do for you, show him how you don't see the respect from him.

I AGREE that NOT needs to tell him how it hurts...

BUT the WS WILL DO DIFFERENT THINGS FOR THE OP...

The AFFAIR is a FANTASIZED DELUSION...

We.. the BETRAYED... THINK we want to be treated the SAME WAY...

We don't...

I certainly wouldn't want to be treated like a HO..used as a VESSEL...wined and dined in order to for him to use me to stroke his EGO..USED..the OP is USED and ABUSED and then LEFT when the FANTASY wears off and/or becomes REAL...

After all the WINING and DINING and ACADEMY AWARD PERFORMANCES by the INFIDELS, 9 times out of 10 (maybe inflated) the WS EVENTUALLY wants to return to the REAL LIFE..to the REAL SPOUSE who is REALLY LOVED and ADORED..and is not part of a DRUNKEN FANTASY LIFE...

Not, please keep in mind that the AFFAIR is an ADDICTION...

You want your REAL HUSBAND..after WITHDRAWAL..not the DRUNKEN LUNATIC that was WITH HER...

Well, that's what I have and what I wanted...

The OW may have had her little WINING and DINING but I HAVE HIM...HA...

But she just got through saying that she asked him to do something pre-A, he said he couldn't, then she found out he did it for her. It WAS something she wanted.

She's talking about him being ROMANTIC and/or AFFECTIONATE with her..notice how he IS doing that NOW...


Cat, I just happen to know 'cause NOT and I have been talking about this for awhile..

It's really gonna HELP her to FOCUS on the POSITIVE..not to DENY her pain BUT to FOCUS on the POSITIVE...