bcboy, you are not abusive at all. What you describe is a stunt that many selfish women pull to get their way. And it works on most men! Your wife defines NOT GETTING HER WAY as "abusive" which is a pretty typical tactic of a wayward wife.

And when you request that your wishes be respected in the decision making process she calls it "controlling." I would wager that about EVERY betrayed husband on this forum has been accused of being "controlling" when he tries to protect himself or have his wishes taken into account.

There is nothing "abusive" about asking to have your wishes taken into account. She is being abusive by running roughshod over you and then playing the ABUSE CARD when you object.


REmember, in her mind it works to her ADVANTAGE to look for every opportunity to demonize you, becuase that is how a WW justifies her affair. As you have already noticed, and even your friend noticed, she will look for any way to do this and will exaggerate any act, no matter how minor, out of all proportion.

You can see that in reality, it is SHE who is selfish and controlling. Affairs are the epitomy enitlemen and self will run riot. Trying to kick you out of your own home and replace you with OM is very "controlling." She is gaslighting you, bcboy.

Thanks for letting me vent and being a sounding board.

It seems logical to me that I am still a participant in causing the marriage to break down. I am willing to change what needs to change but I am not sure what or how just yet.

My wife is not willing to commit to NC. The OM is keeping his distance right now as far as I know. But he will be back when he sees his chance.

I think she will continue to look to fill the void she feels. I think we have she has so much negativity toward me right now that it is like a sore arm that keeps getting poked everytime she has to deal with me.

The other issue that really adds to the difficutlties is the real possibility she has a personality disorder. That is muddying the waters.

The reason I am here right now is her friends are encouraging her to leave. Our SIL was talking to her 3 months ago and asked her how she felt about the future with me. W said she could not think about it and that was the trigger that she had to do something.

My friends who initially were supportive of trying to hang this thing together has indicated that it has gotten so dysfunctional with the way she is behaving that they don't think there is much hope. One of them said at what point do you get tired of being a door mat. He says he would have been gone long ago and feels I have been too tolerent.

I am still holding firm on Plan A and have been for 2 months. Right now it is pretty discouraging. I am getting emotionally drained right now which is not a good way to be operating from when you have to be making good decisions.

At what point do you think I will be implementing Plan B?

BcBoy...I have just read your thread completely. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

First, YOU are not abusive at all....you are being ABUSED by your wife.

Do NOT move out of your house. Let her pack up and leave herself.

Your confrontation of the OM was exactly what you should have done and I would suggest continuing to expose this affair and ignore your wife's protests.

I do not believe that this affair has not gone physical.

Stop participating in anything more than helping her get her bags to the car.

Your wife is trying to make you feel bad so that she can have her affair in secret. Don't fall for it. You continue doing what you are doing and hold your head up high.

MEDC

Your WW is trying to get you out of the way so she can continue her affair. I suspct from what I have read on this post is that it is a PA.

bcboy, you have not actually been in Plan A at all. You have not stood up to this affair, exposed her or even identified her affair for what it is. Your Plan A JUST STARTED.

I am hoping what you mean when you say you have been in Plan A for 2 months is that you have STOPPED lovebusting and have tried to meet her needs? Is that so?

And why exactly do you keep saying she has a personality disorder? Did she have one before her affair? Because an active adulterer is profoundly dysfunctional and irrational. They have the nutso mentality of a alcoholic.

Thanks for weighing in, MEDC! Great post.

I'm not sure what more I should do regarding standing up to the affair. I have approached the OM. I told her I know she is having an affair with OM. She has denied but I have held fast that she is - to her face.


Yes a councellor we were seeing indicated she suspected she had a personality disorder. She said that there was a risk that once she tried working with W regarding it there was a very high probability the W would find a reason to leave IC. That is exactly what happened. She has since discredited the Counsellor ever since she left to justify her actions of leaving.


Yes I have stopped Love Busting and have tried to meet her needs. What parts of Plan A am I missing?

Exposing is not telling the OM or WW that they are banging each other. Here's a news flash I think they know that they are banging each other.

Exposing is to tell those that do not know your WW is having an affair. Why? They can put pressure on WW to end her affair. Also exposing will make WW embarrassed that people will know how she is miss behaving.

You expose without warning, or threatening that you will expose.
You expose one right after the other. Just sit at the phone until done.

Who to expose? WW's parent's, siblings, OMW or OM GF, if co workers then human resources. That is a good start for exposing.

When are you going to expose? After your WW gets a STD? OM gets her pregnant? Or both?

Listen to what Melody is telling you:

bcboy, you are not abusive at all. What you describe is a stunt that many selfish women pull to get their way. And it works on most men! Your wife defines NOT GETTING HER WAY as "abusive" which is a pretty typical tactic of a wayward wife.

And when you request that your wishes be respected in the decision making process she calls it "controlling." I would wager that about EVERY betrayed husband on this forum has been accused of being "controlling" when he tries to protect himself or have his wishes taken into account.

There is nothing "abusive" about asking to have your wishes taken into account. She is being abusive by running roughshod over you and then playing the ABUSE CARD when you object."

It's the oldest WW trick in the book...
pretending that the BH is being 'controlling'...
um if he doesn't let his wife keep secrets, lie, have an OM 'friend'...

A door mat would have left his home when his WW told him to.

Staying in your own home is NOT doormattish!

Listen to Mel!

Exposure! That's what you're missing. Do all three of your kids know? Do your WW's siblings know? Do your WW's parents know? How about her boss and her co-workers? Did you tell her close friends that she's having an affair?

Affair survive on secrecy just like fish survive on water. Expose, most affairs will die, just like most fish will die if you take them out of water.

Don't just say that she's having an affair, aslo give them the facts. How they spent evenings together, how she lied to you about their contact, and all those details that one can draw a reasonable conclusion that it is an affair.

"A door mat would have left his home when his WW told him to.

Staying in your own home is NOT doormattish!"

Yup - Marshmallow's right!

Do NOT leave your home.

Your WW probably had the OM convinced that because you're 'separated' (um without her having to even move out? LOL)
it was OK with you that he was coming over to visit your wife in YOUR HOME. And if he knew that you were there, relegated to the basement?, he figured your marriage really was over, and that you had no interest in fighting for your marriage...

But now that you've talked to the OM he doesn't want to come over to your house or continue his 'friendship' with your WW right now (until you move out anyway). Do NOT move out!!!!!

SO THAT is why your WW was so enraged when you talked to the OM, and why she has getting you to move out as her agenda. BECAUSE it has at least temporarily hindered their affair.

Who else have you exposed to?
How did your wife meet this guy?
Make sure their mutual friends know you aren't really 'separated' and that you do NOT approve of the EA between the OM and your wife. She lied to them too not just the OM and maybe they will withdraw their support of her if they knew the truth. So far exposure has been very effective! (Measure the effectiveness by how angry the WS gets LOL)

STOP sleeping in the basement! Sleep in your own bed.
If she wants to play 'separated' SHE can go sleep in the basement, or move out into one of those apartments she found for you. Do your children know you're sleeping in the basement?
Did you tell them about her having the OM over while you were in the basement?

Just make sure you do NOT take any of her bait to argue.
Walk away, go into YOUR bedroom and lock the door, go take a shower so you can't hear her above the water's noise. Do not let her harrass you into moving out, or make you so scared of false accusations that you are 'controlling'/'abusing' her that you move out. If it does come to a point where you think you might have to go then put a "FOR SALE" sign in the front yard first. Because her plan is to get you to move out, so she can then tell OM that you really are separated, and that it is safe for him to come over. She probably thinks you are going to support her and the OM in your home! A FOR SALE sign might serve as a wake-up call for her.

"Don't just say that she's having an affair, aslo give them the facts. How they spent evenings together, how she lied to you about their contact, and all those details that one can draw a reasonable conclusion that it is an affair."

Agreed, and don't forget to tell everyone you expose to that she lied to OM and told him that you two were separated, that she had you move to the basement so OM would think it was OK with you that he visit her in your home, and that when you talked to the OM and told him the truth he backed off for now. AND that their plan is to try to get you to move out of your own home so they can resume!

You NEED support from family, friends, pastor who will back you up on staying in your own home.

She's already lying about you being 'controlling' so she can falsely accuse you of abuse to get you kicked out. BEFORE she goes around blabbing that lie to everyone, you expose to them first and tell them the truth about her evil agenda! That way when she tries to get their sympathy with her abuse lies they'll be less likely to believe her.

Look how bold she was in inviting the OM over to visit just because you moved into the basement! She WILL let him move in with her if you move out of the home!!!

Expose the whole sorry mess to everyone ASAP.

Oh gosh, yes!

Move back into your own bedroom...into your own bed.

Years ago, my brother pulled this crap on my SIL. He started by picking fights w/ her for over a week.

Finally, he just called her parents up and told them he was done w/ their M and to come get their DD.

SIL told me he moved his OW in the next day.

Then it all made sense to her.

I have exposed the affair to friends, children, relatives. That is why she is so mad. She is telling me she is already feeling isolated since she announced she wanted to separate. And now that I have been so vindictive about telling people that she is having an affair she is feeling isolated. She tells me I am forcing her into another mans arms because of what I am doing. And she says nothing is going on just friends. (Contradiction)

I have not moved out and I am still in the house.

The OM is a neighbour. We were friends with them since we moved here. They were a couple but his wife just ran off with her childhood sweetheart, and he just got divorced. Of course he was calling here for support when he was going through the divorce.

Children know everything. Two of the three think we would be happier if we seperated. They think their mother is acting nutty.

She was wanting a temporary separation where she would live out of the bank account. I said I wanted to stay married. If she wants to separate that is her right to do so but I will not be initiating that process. She wants to keep the house so I told her she would have to buy me out if that is the route she insists on following. I told her I don't think she will have an easy time financially if she pursues her decision.

Any thing else?

Don't stay in the basement. It's YOUR house and you're paying for it.

Do you think they are still in contact, but just underground? If so, anyone on the OM's side that you can expose who can put pressure on the OM to stop?

Since your WW has been telling others that you're controlling, crazy, etc., make sure you tell them that you're fighting for your marriage and that your WW is the one who's acting irrational due to the affair and ask for their support to put pressue in ending her affair.

Since your kids want you to end the marriage. May I ask how the marriage was before the affair? Whatever that you had before, is it worth fighting for? Do you think you can forgive if and when she returns to you and disclosing that she has been sleeping with him? These are questions you need to ask yourself.

BCBOY, hang in there. You are getting a lot of good advice and it is a lot to absorb. But you are off to a good start and I can see that you are growing stronger and more determined.

I do want to warn you that there is one particular person in this thread with intitals TD who you should be very wary of. Whatever you do, do not exchange emails. Others have been put in very unsavory positions due to TD and the last thing you need right now is a stalker.

Otherwise, I think this is just the place for you, and your WW is going to be so surprised that you are standing up and fighting for your self and for a REAL marriage, not a psuedo marriage where she calls the shots and you do as your told.

I agree that WW will TRY to pick a fight though. She will very likely try to goad you into physical violence so she can have you thrown out of your home. Don't fall for it! Remember , you are in a war to save your marriage if possible, and if not, at least your own sanity and dignity. Hang tough! Prayers are going up for you.

I am suspicious about it going underground but I cannot prove it yet. I am paying close attention.

I do not know too many of the OM connections. His parents and family are in Europe.

Our marriage before the affair was struggling but I thought we would be able to work on it. I guess I made a mistake. The issue came to a head when I retired and she got thinking of me being around more. She was thinking about the future and it did not suit her.

I have been fighting for the marriage. As the layers of this onion get peeled back I am now wondering if I will be able to continue. I now feel betrayed. I don't think it was a PA because I saw the signs and interveened before that happend (but I don't really know for sure). I know I have been lied to and manipulated, and our marriage has been changed forever.

I have been reading some of the other posts about letting the spouse go and finding someone who would appreciate what I have to offer. I know I am not thinking the clearest right now so I am remaining faithful and wanting to restore my marriage (however as her behaviour continues I am starting to wonder if it is repairable). Trust has been broken and I will now always be suspicious or wondering what the real story is. She even excuses her lying by saying she is scared to tell me the truth.
(is that because what she is doing is wrong and should feel guilty?)

However from what my wife is saying she is not willing to work on it. I am too late. She was ready two years ago and I missed the window of opportunity according to her.

Do you see why it came to a head NOW? It is because your presence interferes with her affair. I bet she did not want you to retire, did she?


You have been betrayed. It is not just a feeling. But that can change if your wife turns around and makes just compensation. I know you don't believe it, but we have seen much worse than your wife do a complete about face when the affair died.


That is what one does when nothing else works. You are just arriving at the field of battle. I am sure that other person tried many things first. Your marriage is not hopeless, bcboy.

Throwing in the towel before you even start fighting for your marriage is a little extreme when we are talking about a 30 yr marriage. And you may very well end up moving on, but please don't give up before you TRY.


Trust can be restored but trust will never blind again. You can both learn to live with good boundaries so this never happens again. Your W can learn to practice good boundaries in the future.


She is excusing her lying. You are right.


She will feel this way until her affair is killed. Your job is to kill the affair. Each and every time OM sees her or calls her, go have a VISIT with him. Continue to expose to EVERYONE. Exposure is like CHEMOTHERAPY to cancer.

And most of all, stop listening to her drunken ramblings! They mean nothing. As soon as you get her "separated" from her OM, her tune will change because she won't be intoxicated on her addiction to the OM.