Hello all,

This seemed like a good place to post. "Tall Man" sounds just like me.

My wife and I are just getting started in a dissolution process which she has asked for. It's been about 1 month since she mentioned that she wants out.

After years of neglect and verbal abuse, I can honestly say that I don't blame her at all. I blame us. However, I keep fighting with myself in the blame game mostly because of my recent efforts to make this marriage survive this. So I'm blaming myself even though I should not and I know it.

When she told me that she wanted out, it was like no other time before. I took it very serious and snapped mentally. I instantly set up an appointment with a therapist and was (and still am) destined to be a better man and fix what's been wrong with me for years. Fix what she's been missing and show her that I want her in my life through my efforts. In the past I have been controlling, a terrible conversationist, I have degraded her, I've lacked in giving her the attention that she needs, and the list goes on and on. After 15 years, I have come to realize that what I am is not who I want, nor does she nor will anyone else.

Over the last month, I have felt so good about myself and so determined to change and be a better man with or without her. I would have rather it been with her, but as of yesterday, she has confirmed my worst fears. She's leaving anyways.

My heart is torn apart. She really is confused and it hurts me to no end to think that her confusion is leading her into a terrible mistake. In only one month, I had done so much. Maybe too much. Maybe I overwhelmed her with the house cleaning, laundry, dinners and music? I think maybe so. But in only one month, I've felt so good about me and what I want to become that I had the rest of our life all planned out. A life of joy and happiness for her and our 2 children.

Still, it does not matter. She's leaving and taking my hopes and dreams for us with her. I'm crying at this mistake I know in my heart that she is making. I know in my heart what I want and it's real. It's a shame. I love that woman with all of my heart and it hurts so bad to let her go.

Last night, I decided to stop begging and just let her go. That was the toughest decision I have ever made in my life! I'll move on with my intentions and become that better man! I can only hope that she sees this before it's too late. I've told her and my son that if mommy ever loves me again that I'll take her back in a heart beat, but I'm afraid that if she's gone too long and I become that better man I so desire, that I might lose that love that I have for her and not want to go through this pain again. I can't imagine that I will ever stop loving her, but I just can't say for sure. You just can't continue to love something that hates you.

I have to move on too. I have work to do.

Somebody please help me make it through this and keep loving her as long as I can! I have to be strong but I have no one to help me other than a weekly visit to my therapist.

You don't have to move on just because she says there is no chance. Yes, you can't express your love in the same ways you can when she is receptive, but you don't have to give up.

If I were you (and my situation is pretty similar) I would continue to work on yourself. You'll be a better person overall, and you will be more attractive to her. Whether she can get over the past and see you for who you are now is up to her, you have no control about that. But you will know that you gave it everything you have.

And it's only been 1 month. You have so much more time for things to change. Change is always possible. You aren't done growing yet, and perhaps she needs more time to believe that the change is real.

One of the things I often tell myself is that because I love my wife and kids (and myself), I cannot quit. They deserve the best of me, even if they don't know it right now.

Keep the faith. You don't know what lies ahead.

I agree with Mel Vin completely. I am in the exact same situation as you; I emotionally abused my wife and I have a serious anger control problem. I am not out of the woods, by no means, but I listened and started to heal myself. Crying, begging, and promising will get you nowhere, trust me, I did it for 3 weeks after she left, and the 6 months before she left. You have to focus on YOU now. As soon as I "let go" and began working on me, my wife gave me small opportunities (phone calls and so on) to show my improvement. Once again, at first, I was pushy and just wanted her back. It didn't help. Just let her know that you still care about her. I am very lucky to say that my wife came home last night to give me another chance. I don't know if I am truly stable or not yet, but I have to play with the cards that God has dealt me. I also remember that he will never give me a task that I cannot handle.

There are many good books out there dealing with separation. I gave "hope for the separated" by gary chapman and "Getting back together" by Youngs and Goetz. I also purchased an "anger workbook" and work in it daily. Counseling is very important too. Remember though, your goal now should be fixing YOU. That is your best chance on fixing things with your marriage. I am in this with you bud. I do not wish this on anyone. I am probably not the best to be giving you advice on this issue. I am brand new and in the middle of this myself, but I just wanted to pass on some advice that many of the others have given me over the past few weeks. The thing that has helped the most is this site and friends. Create your own support group with family and friends. To me, an ear was the best thing I needed, and that I still need. My coworker was very good help too. He is getting married to his ex-wife! Over that past few years apart, they managed to repair their marriage and come together as one. To me, that is hope at its finest. Let me know if you need anything. I will be more than happy to lend an ear.

I really appreciate everything you two have said. I've read your posts time and time again. I do feel better this evening than earlier today after reading your posts. I still love her, but I did let go today. I agreed that she could start the paperwork she's been dying to start. She's in such a rush to do this, but I'm done trying to delay it any longer. It's draining me of the energy that I need to make my life better and make myself better.

I will do as you suggest without question. I tell her I love her and am holding kind general conversations with her. I have no hate in my heart for her at all. I will never hurt her intentionally for as long as I live. I regret this whole thing, but I suppose it's for the best. As I said, I can't love somebody that hates me. I gotta let go and get back to working on myself. For the sake of those that beleive in me.

Thanks a lot for your support guys!

Wow
Your crisis sound just like mine. My anger issues, emotional neglect, laziness have all led my wife to ask me to leave. The final straw was when I got in a heated argument with her mother. Since that point she has told me she is filing for divorce that she can't trust me. Her mother already has a lawyer lined up and her appt for filing it this up coming Thurs.
I did the same thing as you did. Called a counceler right off the bat. Got both myself and with my wife. She has since stopped going after only two times. I am working with both a counceler and a psych nurs to get my anger issues under control.
Like you it has been a month. The longest month of my life. I have lost over 30lbs and still get panic attacks daily. I love my wife dearly and am hurt to know that I caused so much hurt to her. I will do just about anything to be back with her.
She has agreed to go to marriage coaching and on dates with me and to have me around the house to help her out but is still hell bent on divorce. She says maybe in six months to a year she can trust me and we can get back together. I just don't get the divorce part of that.
So that give me a time line to help myself. Like I said I have started the process of a new me, new attitude. This will help in all aspects of my life. I have also started to get my own life. Go to the gym every day, coffee with friends etc. i think I the past month I have read about two dozen anger, marriage repair type books. many have good ideas but don't over do it as it takes over your mind.
Time will tell. We have our first coaching session tomorrow, and a date on Sat.(her birthday). But she still is going to the lawyer on Thurs.:(
Good luck you to.
Stay strong and do this for you. She will notice. Mine in just a month has seen some of my changes. Time. Its your best friend and your worst enemy all at the same time.
B

Glad that you are making changes in yourself. Remember, if you don't want a divorce, don't do anything to make it possible. Let the Mrs. do all of the work, and try to stall it while you are still making changes.

Please read all of the information here about meeting emotional needs until you really get it. Stick with us and we will help you.

My councelor told me that I can't stop divorce. I can only prolong it and the pain that is associated with it. The only hope is continuos acts of kindness. Unfortunately I think I overdone it on that part. I think the things I did were so overwhelming, so unlike me, so 180 from what I've always been that it appeared like lip service or a show. It's sad that I did too much, but it was all from my heart and didn't feel like work at all. I have a lot of energy - energy that has always been spent on the wrong things. I never thought I could do TOO much. But I'm afraid I did. We're picking up the papers from the courthouse tomorrow and it's a 30-90 day process the "easy way".

I've read so many stories in here about a woman realizing the changes and starting to believe in their man. But in my case, she's stubborn and blind to the fact that it really is true. I am devoted to her and being what she always deserved. There's the pain!

Still, the continuous acts of kindness, one right after the other, is far easier than the begging strategy. I pray every day that she wakes up and sees the new man in me before it's too late. If she does not, then it's a crying shame. A shame for our family I want so hard to keep.

I wish the best for all of you that are here to help me and yourselves!

Hi

I'm new here and it's astonishing how many of you and the posts that I read here is exactly what I'm going through!

From what I have read in this specific posts you guys are all making good changes in your lives. Well, I'm on the flip side of that coin. I moved out of our house with my daughter 3 weeks ago after being in a marriage with a verbally abusive and controlling husband for 11.5 years.

I have since told my husband that I want a divorce. He was very remorseful and started to make changes in his life as well as promises of changes for the future. Thats all very well, but I've heard it all before. Why should I believe him now? You guys all mention how true and honest these changes are but how do we believe that.

I truly love my husband but I just couldn't take it anymore. It's always easy to say I'm sorry after the deed has been done. And for my husband, that was his apology so everything should be forgotten. Two weeks later he would say hurtful things again. Once again the sorry and i should just forget. Well, I did, for 11.5 years until I got fed up. I decided to take my life back.

Me moving out is not about being selfish or not wanting to give him another chance. I'M SCARED. There is a saying that goes: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Who came up with that BS? Words might not hurt you physically but believe me, it breaks you. Why should I be considerate towards his feelings and he doesn't give me a second thought. Yes, I know, it was said in a moment of anger... Yeah right, you were born angry.

My husband never thought I would leave. I have left a couple of times before, maybe a month or so at my parents and then I would move back after all the promises and 2 weeks later were back at the start again. Well, this time I moved out and got a place of my own. Now suddenly he realises that I'm serious???

I can truly see that he has changed and that he wants to make this work. This is really the first time that he listened to what i said was hurting me and wants to change. I just find it very hard to go back. It took me 11 years to realise that I do not deserve to be treated like that. I have finally realised that i'm not worthless and now he's asking me to come back. How can I be sure that i won't fall back in that state of depression.

I promised myself 3 weeks ago that I will never ever allow anyone to degrade me or make me feel like nothing again. So yes, i do see the begging and the changes but I also changed. I told my husband last night that at the moment I am so angry at him that I do not think that I can tell him if I will ever come back. At the moment I just want to be away from him... Maybe couple months or even a year will I be able to give him an answer. I also told him not to wait for me. That is not fair on him. That does not mean I have made up my mind to divorce him. I just told him that because he kept asking me for an answer.

I think we should take this time to sort out ourselves. If he wants me to give him an answer now, than divorce would be it. I was thinking more along the line of seperation - to sort out my head. I've just realised that i should be taking control of my life - Is it unfair to ask for time?

This has nothing to do with being stubborn or punishing the guys.
I know this might not be specific towards your posts here but i do think that maybe, just maybe you would try to understand or advise me whether I am being unfair...

Hello Scary1,

I think you've really come to the wrong place to get good advice for your particular situation. A new thread would bring completely diferent answers to your questions, but since you came here I gotta say to you what I would say if you were my lovely wife.

I am not your husband and I don't know your husband or how real his sincerity is, but I'll tell you about mine a little more.

My wife and I had several bumps along the way, several threats of divorce popped up over 15 years, however, this one I could see in her eyes. It was diferent than ever before.

I talked her into going to one f my therapy sessions with me and the therapist asked her questions about me. Her answers disgusted me about myself and I was embarassed to no end. When I left that session, I could barely walk. I was so weak I barely made it to the car. I completely fell apart.

Now, my sincerity is real. My desire to be what she never had is real. Believe me please! I have invested time in our relationship but not often enough did invest my energy into it. I am fully prepared at this point in my life to be a better man and never allow this disaster to ever happen to me or ayone I love again. I can't believe myself. can't believe that it tok me to age 38 to wake the hel up! If I can thank her for anything at all, it was the wake up call. I owe her big time. I am going to continue to love her with all of my heart as long as I can, and strive to become a better man.

If you husband is doing all of the things that I am, which is strictly voluntary admission - I would suggest to you to follow my therapist's suggestion to my wife of suspending any decision of to stay or to go for just a little while. Years of damage can't be corrected in a month. Keep your guard up for your own safety but try to leave yourself open to the idea that he may be as sincere about a permanent change like I am.

I sure wish my wife would. I have such a promissing future for our family, but she's so numb that she's blind to the reality of my faith in myself and the desire that I have of making everyone around me feel safe, and respected.

I hope I helped.

hubiscous,

I think you counselor is somewhat right, but I don't see the point in saying it. You have two choices, you can ignore how you feel and the person you want to be, and start looking to some new life. Or you can continue to believe that your marriage is suppossed to be. You know who you are, and you are that person regardless of whether your wife believes you or not (my wife doesn't believe me either). You move on when you're ready to move on, not a minute sooner, IMO.

The way I think of it, the longer you stay on course, if and when she does snap and start believe, she'll have all that time as evidence to see who you are, will only make your recovery and marriage that much stronger.

As for the divorce...that's just papers and money. It doesn't say that you can't say and do nice things for your wife, or that she can't respond to you. People throw away divorce papers every day. People get remarried everyday. Even if you can't see how things could possible turn around, there is always a chance.

Thanks

this is all helping a lot. We had a very long converstaion tonight, and for the first time in 15 years, it felt good! Even though it was about divorce. Weird huh! We talked like we were best friends. Talked like lovers should. Calm, cool, and collective. I feel like a real dork saying that we had a good conversation about divorce.

The cool thing is, I saw it for myself what I am becomming and I enjoyed it a lot! It gave me even more energy. It's really nice how being so calm and nice gives you energy to do more of it. I feel GREAT! (for the moment). I'll get back to ya when the Zanax wears off lol.

No really, I have a level head right now, even though after hours of talking she still says she "just has to do this". You'd think I'd go right back to hurting again, and it does a little, but my energy is really high. Somebody is going to enjoy this man I will become. And I'm excited about that! Especially if it's my wifey! If not, I'll know what I am and that I did all I could.

Great thread here - feeling much better!

Hi Hubiscous

I purposely posted on this thread coz i thought it would help me and believe me it did.

Everyone that posted here was from a male perspective and everything voiced was exactly what I have been hearing from my husband. I couldn't believe that there were other guys out there doing and saying the same things.

I must say, it has given me a whole new perspective on my husband. It was very helpful hearing it from someone else. I think because I have known him so long, I thought that it's not possible for him to change regardless of the re-assurance he gives me. I am also not blind to the fact that not everything can change in a few weeks but I can see that he, and you have made tremendous strides in trying to be better.

Because of this, i have decided to give my marriage one last go. Obviously not immediately, but I have assured my husband that I would return as soon as I work some of my own personal issues. By this, I mean my mindset. I would love to go back into my marriage and be able to look at my husband without the things that happened in the past luring in the back of my mind or questioning what he's doing. E.g. If he brings me flowers, I would want to look at it as an act of love, kindness etc. and not as him trying to buy me off with flowers or whatever or wondering why now. If u understand what I'm trying to say.

So yes, the info on this thread has helped me and I'm thankful for you guys who was able to put your hearts into trying to save your marriage.

I hope that your wives can also see what I have seen with their husbands help. It's much easier hearing it from a stranger. After all, you have no reason to lie to me. It is clear that you really have changed and are still changing for the better not only for the marriage but for yourselves.

So, thank you and all the best with your continuos efforts. I know that you will succeed. We ladies should learn to trust our hearts a little more instead of our minds even if its for one last time. What do we have to lose? Like I said before, I'm at a place where no-one would be able to make me feel worthless again...

Thank you and goodluck to you all

Wow - everything you said just made your man the luckiest man on earth. I hope he realizes it.

I also wish that I could hear those very words from my wife. What a lucky man.

I wish my work and dedication to the rest of our lives in a state of happiness, respect, and love would undo her blindness. If only you could talk to her. It's all lip service from me. She doesn't believe me and that hurts me so bad to think that what I know I am going to be, she's not going to reap the benefits of what she always deserved. Now how long will it take for her to find it again? Starting over and playing all of those games again. Scary!

I am happy for your husband. I can't even imagine the joy in his heart when you tell him what he so needed to hear. I'll bet you will see a whole new life ahead for you if he is anything like me. If he really feels like I do about my wife and his dedication to making the rest of your life a pleasant one, full of fun love and dedication to you, you just made the best decision of your life!

God luck to the both of you!

Signed,
envious!

Thank you hubiscous..

I would never have realised that the changes might be real without your help.

If I can give you any advice,this is from my perspective, don't give up. My main reason for leaving was a sudden realisation that I don't have to be dependant on my husband. He always made me feel as if my whole existence would stop without him. Hence the verbal attacks.

When i moved out this time, I did not go to my parents like in the past, I rented a place of my own. You cannot believe how independant and great i feel. I needed that. It gave me a sense of self worth.

I'm not saying that is the same situation with you but, i do think that your wife maybe just need some time. Give it to her. I was ready to file for a divorce, and now I've changed my mind with you and everyone else on this forums help. I dont know your relationship with your wife, you said you guys are civil,which is great, maybe you can suggest she goes on this forum.

I went on numerous forums until I found this one because i was very confused. I think your wife too is still confused. It cant be that easy to walk away from someone you spent almost half your life with. She might still be bitter and angry, just like me, but I looked at my situation with an open mind. I am not ready to start a life with someone new until I can honestly say to myself that i have given it my all.

Please understand, I neva said I did not do anything wrong in my marriage, but verbal abuse is equal to physical abuse or having an alcoholic for a partner. They all hurt! My husband has shown me a side that I haven't seen since we've been courting. He seems to realise that respect requires respect.

I can only say that i owe it to myself and him to give our marriage a last chance. THERE IS NOTHING TO LOSE unless you have someone waiting....

I hope and pray that your wife will someday come around. Like I'm planning to say to my husband:It took drastic measures for BOTH of us to change. For me, it was finding myself (my worth like Alicia Keys says), and for him to see what his actions does to others.

Keep on trying but without pressure...

Good luck

scary1

I am so envious of you and your husband. Wow. What a dream come true for the both of you. I wish my wife would feel like you and see that I am changing into a man that I want. I want! I want to be everything she desires so that she will do just as you are going to do.

Please don't blame me if things don't work out the way it sounded like it would. I have only said that my desires and wants from myself and the changes that I am destined to make are REAL! REAL! cannot stress that enough. She gave me all of the tools to work with. She pointed out all of the things about me that she didn't like. All of my faults as a husband. Everything she missed out on. I have every tool in the bag to make the necessary changes and I'm going there! As fast as I can!

Lately though, I have been getting exausted at the thought of her leaving ayways despite my heart's determination. I know it will all be worth it in the end whether it's with her or not, but just so badly want it to be with her. Like you said, a large portion of my life was with her and I just can't imagine it any other way. How long were you gone? How long does it take to discover that you made the wrong choice and you want to go back? How long can I love her and wait for her? I really need to know cause it scares me that it will take too long.

I get sick at my stomach thinking of her with another man or me with another woman and then trying to get back together after something like that. She's been mine for so long. She's been my lover for so long. I can't stand the thought of her with another man. Will she come back before she meets "mr right"? Will I meet somebody too? That worries me too, simply because feel like I have to give what I am becomming to someone. Sombody needs what I'm going to be. My wife needed it for years. Now that I am working on all of my issues, I have no doubt that somebody will like me and maybe even love me again. That's what I really want. I want somebody to love me back. God, I hope it's her. I so want it to be her. Please Lord, show my wife the way back to me.

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love her with everything I have and all I have to give. If she would only see this is real, I would spend eternity showing her why I was right!

Oh my....

First off to everyone who has posted here, Thank you. This is a very good thread and one that will help so many of us. I have read through a lot of post, in a lot of forums over the past 2 years and sadly, good solid threads like this one are hard to come by. I have gained some new and much needed momentum from this thread. So thanks to all that have posted. Let's keep the momentum going for all of us.

hubiscous, I don't want you to feel like I am thread jacking you, but I would like to use you thread to share my thoughts with others that have posted her on yours and their situation. In my experience hearing and sharing from others about their situation, instead of just looking for answers for your own is greatly beneficial.

hubiscous, you have got to stop blaming yourself for what you have done in the past. You knew it was not proper behavior at the time, but you had no idea of the true impact it was having on your wife at the time. I am sure that if you did know how hurtful it was being you would have never done or acted in those ways. You can not change the past, so don't dwell on it or beat yourself up over it. Your focus needs to be on the now, which will lead you to a better future. I like you and others here, had a marriage of 15 years full of anger, verbal abuse, neglect, and belittlement. So, I to know how big off a an [censored] or jerk you feel like now and how stupid it makes you feel to think that you hurt the person you love the most in such ways. But, we can not change what was, so let's move on to what can be.

One thing that I see posted by most of the males that have responded here, is the topic of anger. For me anger, my own anger, was the key or biggest factor for the failure of my marriage. If anyone reading this has issues with anger, no matter how minute, you need to get it in check before you will have any chance in hell of having a healthy relationship with your current or if be, future companion. For years (decades), in my own life, I blamed others around me for my own un-happiness. About 1 1/2 years ago, six months after I was told by my wife that she was not attracted to me and wanted out. I truly started to look at myself and not just look at what I needed to do to try to fix my marriage. I was to busy running around in utter confusion trying to figure out where we went wrong and trying desperately to fix our marriage, but not trying to fix me. I came to the realization that I was not a happy person. Hard to make others happy, when you are not happy. But, more importantly, I realized that I was not happy, because I was an angry person. Everything bugged me, little things, stupid things. It was like a light went on. It was not right for such small, stupid little things to upset me. So I went to the book store and picked up 2-4 books on anger. WOW!!! Was I surprised at what I read. I gained a whole new understanding on what anger is and how it can control and consume a person. And controlling and consuming me was exactly what it was doing to me and my life. Understanding what anger is and working on gaining control over it has truly changed my life. Learn about anger may not have saved my marriage in time, but it has definetly changed me and made my whole situation a whole lot easier to deal with and manage. I can honestly say things would be 1000 times worse fro me and my relationship with my XW if I had not made the strides I have with my inner anger. I still have a ways to go, but I am so greatful on the progress I have made. Sorry, I am rambling on here, but I just want those of you that have anger issues to understand that it is like a disease. It is crippling to you and those around you and until you get it in check, nothing you do or no matter how hard you try, you will never be happy, nor will you have a happy relationship with anyone.

hubiscous, back to you. You repeatedly comment about the mistake your wife is making and about the strides and changes you are making and that she is blinded or a fool for not seeing them and for wanting to walk away for things. But, put yourself in her shoes for a second. I am sure she sees your efforts and she appreciates them. You have got to understand WE can not repair years and years of damage that we have caused our wives in just a few short weeks, months or sometimes even years. They need time to heal. They need to time to see we are sincere and real. They need time to trust us again. She is doing what she feels is right to protect her own well being, as you are doing what you feel is right for your own. Focus on you and making changes to make you a better person, that is what she needs to see and that is what will make her re-evaluate what she thinks she needs for herself. Only when we detach and finally, truly work on ourselves, will our wives start to truly see what great husbands we can and want to be. My ex-wife, like yours is stubborn and it will take extra time and effort on my part (just as it will for you) to prove to her that I am and will continue to become a better man/person.

Duke82 your post made me proud. You hit it on the head 100%. We have got to work and focus on ourselves, first and for most. I am so pleased that your wife is back under your roof with you. Make us proud and do what is right by being the man and husband she wants and needs you to be. Get that anger in check first and for most. Once you do, everything else seems simple in comparison.

scary1 I am so greatful that you are here and posting your experiences here with us. It is so helpful for us to hear the other side of the story. There are plenty of people here that can relate to what we as the LBS is going through or experiencing, but to hear from the WAS their POV is invaluable. Your post have really hit home with me. I consider myself to be a manly man and do not tear up very easy, but when I read your post I did. They struck a cord with me. Your words concerning your 11.5 years of abuse and degrading behavior, could just as easily been written by my XW as by you. I see so much of what I have put my wife through, when I read your words. Me and your H are very similar in how we have treated our wives. On behalf of all us ignorant, angry males I am truly sorry that you have been treated by one of us, in the way your were. Your husband is most likely not a bad guy, he is just using you as a avenue to deal with his own demons. That is what I had done to my wife for 15 years. I took out my own inner anger on her. I degraded her to make myself feel better. When the truth was I did not need to do that to feel better about myself. I knew I was a good person, but my anger was keeping it pushed aside. My anger was controlling me and my happiness. I think your head is the right place. Your H can and will change for the better, but as you have posted (and I am glad to see) is that it is going to take time. DO NOT rush back into things, before the time is right. You need time to heal and experience a bit of independence and you H needs time to put some reins on his demons. He is a lucky man. Many of us guys here wish for another chance like you are thinking of giving him. But, he needs to prove to you that he is worthy of having you in his life. If you need me to give him a 2X4 upside the head, you just tell me when and how to reach him. I wish you all the best and I your post have given me hope. I hope that someday soon, with my continued sincere efforts to make myself a better me, that I will one day be back in the arms of the women I love.


I hope I did not ramble to much here and that my words and what I have experienced with my own trials and tribulations can help out others here. Please keep the post in this thread coming. Best wishes to all here. I am pulling for you and I am here if you need me.

Nugget

I too would like to thanks al of the guys in this thread for stepping up and admitting their faults. It's also nice to se that none of us are blaming the wife or anyone else but ourselves. It's just proof to me and SCARY1 that all guys aren't the same. There are some that are sincere and are not just in a relationship for sex and other wrong reasons. There are men, men just like us that do have love for their woman, we just don't know the right way to love until it's too late. However, like many of you have said, it's never too late. Maybe too late for the current wife, but never too late to make changes in ourselves that will carry on to other relationships and insure them not to fail because of us.

Even though my efforts at showing change and expressing the seriousness of my desire for change to her has not changed her mind, I will do as I promised and some day she will see. But my wife brought up a very valid point and I'm glad that she did. She said that if she had cheated on me several times over the years and then told me she would never do it again, I'd be numb to that and refuse to believe it. How long does it take to mend 15 years of verbal and emotional abuse? Well, you can't mend it at all. It will take 2 to forgive but not forget. I've forgiven her for the things she has done to hurt me and it is the only way to move forward and change myself. I have no hate in my heart which makes it easier to change my heart. However, she still hangs on to the past and she always had. I can't change that, only she can. I can only change me, and I will. I can already feel progress in myself and look forward to my weekly therapy like I'm going to Disney as a child! It's like a breath of fresh air every time I go.

We're going on a date Friday night unless she changes her mind. And I am SO excited! I have convinced her that love during divorce is not such a bad thing. But I also want her to have what she wants. She wants out on her own to see what it's like and if I would actually change her mind to stay, then the wonder of what it would have been like would ride on her shoulders forever and the chance of this coming up again, I can't handle. So I'm letting her go but hanging on to hope. I will not give up on myself! Even after she leaves. Somebody will want what she wanted but didn't get. Somebody will. I hope it's my wife, but the reality is, "Prince Charming" might just take her away from me while we're separted, paint the pretty picture of how wonderful he is and sweep her off her feet before she gets to see the new me. I fear that something awful.

I am scared, but I am staying strong. Showing her my progress just might set in, I don't know. I can only hope and pray.

hubiscous I love your frame of mind. You seem to be understanding and progressing very quickly. I wish I would have pulled my head out a lot sooner. Let her be free and have her space and time. And you work on you. You will be amazed how much time she will want to spend with you and how she will see you, when you stop focusing on your failed R and focus on making changes in you for you.

hubiscous,

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing. Sounds like you have made some good progress already. Just remember not to push her at all. My wife just wanted a "friend" when we hung out. I kept pushing, and it delayed the whole process and eventually pushed her almost too far. Remember the guy your wife fell in love with? Well, be that guy. The first time that my wife and I went out, she got so mad that I offered to pay. So, we split up the bill. Even that was too pushy for her. The things that really helped me, while talking/seeing my wife, were the small things. Ask her how she is doing, let her know you still care. Don't ask for her back, look strong. Another thing my wife hated, was me telling her "I love you" all of the time. We are starting to say it more, and we actually feel it now. I kept telling her that I loved her, and she wouldn't say it back, and that killed me inside. So, in other words, don't put yourself in a position to do any more damage to her our yourself.
You can use that in your anger problems as well. I am learing to avoid situations that triggered my outbursts. So far so good. For example, bringing stress from work home was a big problem for me, so now, as soon as I get home, I go out back and work in my garden and mess with the dogs before I go inside. Another issue we had was bills, we aren't or never were in financial trouble, but she always did the bills and I never knew how much money we had. So now, we do the bills together so we are both on the same page.
My wife told me last night that when she left, she thought I was "unfixable". I am far from being "fixed", but I have shown her enough for her to put some trust back in me. I am being tested daily. We took my son to the doctor and he cried for an hour and a half straight. The "old" me would have been pretty ticked off and wouldn't have been able to handle it, but I stepped up and took control. I held my son the entire time and comforted him. Me trying to comfort him actually calmed me down.
Also, once you get your foot in the door, the path to recovery is just as hard, if not harder. Whether she admits it or not, you are constantly being tested. Don't blow any opportunities to shine. I thought that I could never live knowing that my wife could be with another man, but I realized my love for her is unconditional and you should feel the same way. I am sure you do. I don't agree with her every being with someone else, but if she ever chose that, my feelings for her would never change. I expect nothing from my wife in return anymore. So, everything she "gives" makes me so much happier. The glass can either be half empty or half full. Take a step back and decide which way you want to see it being. Good luck.

Yes,

The "I Love You" thing really hurts a lot. I'm starting to see what you mean about that. It's just so hard not to remind her that I DO love her. It's not that doesn't believe me, just have to say it cause I feel it! I gotta say what I feel. aybe you're right. should hold back my feelings if it helps. I'm just having a heck of a time with this. I just don't know how to act. I try to be nice and that doesn't do anything. So I try to be nicer and that's not working either.

So I just have to let her go? Giveup? That's hard to do. How do I let go of the mistake she is making? How do I let the love of my life walk out on a future full of love and respect? Just how can I do that?

You say I have to be strong, and I am somewhat, but everytime I think of letting her go, I get weak. How can it work out if I let her go? How will she know I need her if I don't tell her? You make sense, I'm just really scared!

I know what you're saying is probably all very true. I just hope she'll come back to me. How will she see that I really did change? Will she see it before the man in a mask sweeps her off her feet? They will all seem like prince charming at first. We all do. Then years later he's in therapy making changes to himself because he wasn't what she thought he was. Back to square one. When this man is going to be just that in just a few months of therapy and desire. Desire to be what she missed out on.

How does all of this play out for the better?
I'm confused!