No of course I don't stay angry at them, and I would forgive them and him anything.

You are right, except I took it for granted that there would be a crack ho lurking around who would steal him away. I took him for granted and that was so stupid of me. G-d gave me a gift of my M and my life, family, etc and I didn't appreciate it. And that was WRONG.

Yep... you took your marriage for granted... he did too. I've done it. My husband has done it. My mom has done it. My dad has done it. My brother has done it. His wife has done it. In fact, I can't think of one married couple I know that hasn't at times taken the gift for granted. It isn't rare. No matter how much you took it for granted, he is the one who decided to try to fix it with a "crack ho". That is not something you had any say in or control over. He played a role in the state of the marriage pre-affair, and then walked away from it to continue an affair.

So why are you the only person in this situation that doesn't deserve forgiveness?

As I've browsed EACH ONE of your posts, I'm struck by how SPECIAL and DIFFERENT that you seem to think you are.

I certainly FELT the EXACT SAME way that you do/did about my H as a WAYWARD, about his AFFAIR...EXACTLY as you say...

Why do you think YOUR FEELINGS or YOUR SITUATION is ESPECIALLY AWFUL?

Yes he did. And he screwed up big time on his side, but because he is an addict I don't get resolution or get to feel better by telling him so. I just get to leave it with G-d. Not to mention I don't get to go on his side of the street.

Very good point on why is it that I am the only person who doesn't deserve forgiveness. I get I'm not that special and I deserve forgiveness as much as the next person. I just happen to be the one feeling the destruction and alert to what is happening, like so many others on here, and in order to truly learn from my mistakes I have to be honest for my destruction.

I don't think I am so special, but I am just so very sorry for what I did or didn't do.

Because I'm selfish and self-centered. Remember, I'm an addict too.

And because you haven't told me in a while that this is NO DIFFERENT and it's typical. So I get lost in my own perceptions and warped sense of reality that this is ASOLUTELY THE WORST SITUATION on here. VERY DANGEROUS place to be.

I don't think I am special at all. And if I come acrosse that way, I am very sorry, because I am no different than anyone else on here who has been hurt.

Your FEELINGS as a BETRAYED SPOUSE are the SAME as all OTHERS!!

YOU are NO DIFFERENT!!

A SITUATION is what YOU cannot CONTROL!!

YOU CAN CONTROL YOURSELF..YOUR THINKING..and how you COPE with YOUR feelings!!

Queenie, it's all about quantiy and moderation. Let's say, those healthy food cost twice as much as your carbs food? And, lets say you eat 6 servings of carbs food a day. You can reduce that to three servings of carbs food and one serving of healthy food. If you do that, you will eat healthy and save money too.

Yes, I know what you're thinking...."I'll be hungry then." The answer is yes, you will be at the beginning, but after a couple of weeks, or even couple of days, your stomach will adjust to it. Don't make a dramatic change immediately, but change slowly and adjust to it. Two key words: Perseverance and Moderation. You can do it.

So, are you carrying this guilt necessarily or unnecessarily? What can you do to forgive yourself?

Thanks TD for your suggestions. I really appreciate it.

HAVING feelings is what is so NEW to me. Learning to COPE, well I haven't a clue.

I really don't know. I guess one way would be to not make the same mistakes given the opportunity. Or to learn from them.

The guilt is unecessary. And it is useless. Intellectually I know this.

I can appreciate that, Queenie, but you aren't just taking responsibility for what you did. You are also taking ownership for what he did and didn't do.

On top of that, you are forgiving him and making excuses for him, yet you are withholding forgiveness from yourself and not allowing any reason for your mistakes to be acceptable. You are still trying to control in your own way.

If you haven't read the OT thread I started about "The Dance of Anger", take a look and see if anything there resonates with you.

That's not true. What do you think you have been doing for the past how ever long you've been here on MB? Learning to COPE... AND coping.

Queenie... stop this stinkin thinkin. You KNOW where this path leads. Choose another one. Visualize closing the door on your marriage and walking away. Walking away doesn't mean the door is gone, it's just closed. Maybe, someday, by some miracle if you H comes knocking, you'll open it again, but until then, keep it closed AND locked against WH and all the stinkin' thinkin' that goes along with that.

(((Queenie)))

So, what changes do you need to make? What do you need to do to forgive yourself. I think you have let stbx off too easy and been to hard on yourself.

What do you need to do to forgive yourself? To heal yourself? To allow G-d to heal you?

I'm really trying PM. This angry letter just had to get written so I could get out my feelings. I'll move on, I'll go to sleep tonight and recover, like I always do, and maybe this will be what I needed to finally close that door.

Ok, Exodus, I'll go look at it now...

As soon as I read this, I knew you were right.

You were right too Mimi, I am still trying to CONTROL.

By not forgiving myself is still thinking that I could have changed what happened or controlled it.

Did anyone read that letter from G-d that was posted on Kimberly's thread last week sometime. I sure did. What if this was always G-d plan all along and there was NOTHING I could have done to stop it. This would be a different way of looking at things and not having that stinkin thinkin in it.

But realizing this is all in G-ds plan for whatever reason. I just don't have to like it.

I don't know that this kind of personal devastation is ever G-d's plan. The deceiver has his own plans.

So, you do realize, don't you, that you h made some choices in this situation? It's not totally a mess you created.

Cinders, my H and I were killing each other by the emptiness that existed in each one of our souls. He chose how to "fix" it for him. I sought G-d and learned it was NEVER H's role to "fix" me. It was my relationship with G-d that would heal the hurts and hole that lived inside of me.

I truly believe that my H is fighting for his soul and survival. I get that intellectually, but like Mimi is so good at picking out, I thought I could control the battle myself instead of getting out of the way and letting my H live his own life and fight his own battle.

And the martyr (one of my big character defects), wants to take the blame so I can still control the situation by not just admiting WH is an a$$ who screwed up and hurt many people.

And the truth is I'm frustrated because I can't MAKE WH see what he is doing. It's his LIFE and his CHOICES.. And I want to control what he sees. And I just DON'T GET that CHOICE. As much as I want it.

You were RIGHT Mimi, all along. I still want CONTROL....

I didn't see the letter, but I agree with Cinderella. I don't believe families being torn apart and hearts being broken is God's plan. His plan is found in our healing not our destruction.

And that's why I want the burning bush... I want to ask G-d.

THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ANYBODY DO ANYTHING! WHO GAVE YOU SUCH POWER AND CONTROL????

If you keep trying to do this, you will remain FRUSTRATED and ANGRY!!

You CAN decide to LET HIM GO and LIVE YOUR LIFE TODAY TO THE FULLEST!!