Just checked the cell phone records and the A has gone underground as you suggested. He has been calling her and she has been calling him every day.

I am getting to the end of this road. I am so choked right now I am thinking they can have each other. I am going to move on and find someone trustworthy. I am emotional right now, very angry and hurt. There is no longer a foundation for this relationship. Betrayal is a nasty and cutting thing.

BC

Again, it is still too early in this process for you to make the decision that your M is over or that you don't want it. Please don't make that decision while you are so emotional. Right now, your W is soooo addicted that she is almost frantic to get you out of the house so that she can get him in. This is why I believe that it is a PA. It seems that once these things cross the line to a PA, well, then they really are hooked and your W is showing signs of really being hooked.

If you don't feel that you can Plan A anymore, then kick her sorry [censored] out and go to Plan B. I can see in your writing that this is driving you crazy. Let her leave, go to Plan B and let her see how life is without you in it.


Does she have a job? Can she make it on her own?

I agree. I think this is definitely a PA.

I suggest getting a digital voice-activated recorder and set it up in your home, perhaps your bedroom, to find out what she's saying in those calls. You should have your proof soon enough.

Also, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!

"The OMW is gone for sure as they live several properties up. OM had to take out a large mortgage to buy her out so that is why he has to work so much."

hmmmm... is that mortgage something he's struggling to keep up with? If he loses his home in foreclosure, guess where he's planning on moving to: your home (after they get you out).

"He was worming his way into our home because my W felt sorry for him as we all thought he was a nice guy, who needed someone to talk to because of his Divorce issues."

He needs to tal to another man about that -not a somebody else's wife.

"My wife has told me that he has never touched her."

Don't give any credence to what she says while she is fogged up.
No matter what she says: they never touched... he has a better 'heart' than you... whatever it's all a bunch of fog-babbly lies. Do NOT let any of her babble have any effect on your decision-making process!!! Like Melody said, she's falling down drunk and probably won't even remember half od what she's saying when she sobers up. YOUR task right now is to keep them from stealing your home out from under you and to end the adultery by exposing to some more people. Have you contacted his EX wife yet? What do his relatives think about his EA with your wife? What do the other neighbors think? (I bet they could give you more accurate data about how often he was coming over to visit your wife before you retired...)

"She thought it was OK to have him to our place because everything is out in the open. She said I would have something to worry about if she was going up to his place, but she did not."

Adulterers give themselves permission with silly little excuses like that. (Think of Clinton insisting: "I did NOT have sex with that woman"... um define "sex"...)

See she had it all figured out: as long as she didn't go to HIS house, then if the neighbors started gossipping she could claim that the TWO OF YOU were helping him get over his divorce. That way she could protect her reputation. Then when you retired she had to relegate you to the basement so she could continue to have him over, and she could assure any nozy neighbors that it wasn't inappropriate because you were there too... (um in the basement.) Got talk to the neighbors! Find out what they were told and what they've observed!!!

"I kept telling her it is till an affair. It was leading to getting physical. She says she does not think of him that way."

Of course she doesn't think if it/him that way.
After all then she'd be admitting that SHE is doing something inappropriate. She has it all planned out how she can continue the adultery, while making it look like: you two were having marital problems (unrelated to OM), then you two separated (preferably with YOU moving out per her agenda), THEN she will go public with her affair with the OM pretending they were just friends before YOU ended the marriage.

"Yet she is telling me she is looking for a man with heart (apparently she feels I have intelligence but not heart)"

And it's just supposed to be a coincidence that she suddenly wants to end your marriage and go searching for a 'man with heart'.. and wow, look, her search is over, because it just so happens (as soon as she can get you to move out and move on) there he is (OM/neighbor). Uh-huh. She is so fogged up that she can't think clearly. She probably actually believes that everyone will buy it that YOU broke up the marriage, then she got involved with OM (in that order). She's trying to gaslight you into going along with her agenda. But again, I bet the neighbors aren't buying it, EXPOSE to all the neighbors and find out what they already know. Maybe it will clear some of her fog if she knows the neighbors aren't buying it, that her reputation indeed is getting tarnished and the gig is up.

Do not let her know how you know that they are still talking to each other regularly.

Do not leave your home. It is your home. You worked hard to purchase that home and to build a family life in it. Do not leave it. Know that every time you walk in that door, that it is yours and you have every RIGHT to be there. Please do not give it up.

I hope you at least spend time on the ground floor of your home. I hope you enjoy a pleasant day in the nicest parts of your home---family room, kitchen, porch....where ever you want to go. I do hope you move back into your bedroom too. But if you haven't done that yet, I hope you make your presence seen and felt in all parts of your home.

"Did they give you a deadline for when you have to be out by? Maybe you better hurry up and pack, they might get upset if they have to wait much longer to have sex in your home."

I just want to make sure you realize I was totally being sarcastic when I wrote that. I wasn't really suggesting that you shoudl move out by their deadline or that part of your plan should be doing what they want so they won't get upset.

"Thank you for the reply meremortal. As a matter of fact since I embarassed her and ruined her reputation she wants me out by the middle of August."

You didn't embarrass her or ruin her reputation... you just exposed her plan to commit adultery. She wants you to move out so she can pretend you're the one ending the marriage so she can maybe still pretend you two separated first, THEN she started affair with OM. Her babble lies mean nothing to you and should have no affect on YOUR plan.

Except since she's so concerned abou her reputation, you should definitely do MORE exposure, especially to the neighbors who I'm betting made some observations of what was going on before you retired, and could continue to do so. If she really was refraining from going to his home, she IS worried what the neighbors might think, right? She might lose hope in her scheme if she found out that the neighbors already suspected and disapproved, that she's already damaged her reputation with them.

"She is livid that I am remaining so non commital about moving out."

Have you ever (calmly) asked her why SHE doesn't move out?
She did threaten to move out right? Maybe you should just say, "Remember the other day you said that if I didn't move out, then you would? Well I've been thinking and I agree that it would be best if you moved out instead of me."

I might even say: "Why are you demanding that *I* move out? Is the OM about to lose his home to foreclosure and he's pressuring you to let him move in here?"

"I am remaining non confrontational and very methodical in all that I am doing."

Stay away from her as much as possible when she wants to argue.
(BUT do NOT go hide in the basement! Move back upstairs - sleep in YOUR bed. Invite somebody over to help you move your stuff back upstairs so you'll have a witness if HSE attacks you and then tries to claim you abused her.) Refuse to take her bait to argue. Invite your family and friends over frequently, the ones you can count on to back you up on staying in your own home that is. They can serve as witnesses to her attempts to try to start fights, and your resolve to be nice to wife (Plan A). This will help protect you from false accusations that you are
'controlling' or abusing her. She'll probably try to get a restraining order against you in order to get you kicked out.
Start lining up witnesses and allies to counter that lie.
Just calmly state that you are not moving out of your own home.
In front of other people, calmly inform your wife that you do not plan to comply with the plan she and the OM concocted to kick you out of your own home. It might even help to send her a certified letter, copied to others (family, lawyer, pastor, OM, neighbors) stating that you are aware of their plot to make you move out of your own home so OM can move in, that she is free to go (you are not 'controlling' her or preventing separation), but that you plan to remain in your own home).

Or maybe put a for sale sign out front.
It doesn't matter that you don't really plan on selling the home.
She doesn't need to know that. She OBVIOUSLY has keeping the home, without you in it, and with the OM moving in, as her agenda. Hey it might even be that if the OM thinks you plan to sell the home he might lose interest in your home and find himself another married man's home/wife to steal.

BTW, when you talked to the OM did you inform him that you would not be moving out of your home? It seems your little talk with him was very effective at keeping him away from your home (for now). But he'll start coming over again once you move out. If you tell him you won't be moving out maybe he'll tell your wife it's over?

It may turn out his interest in your wife may have a lot to do with wanting to live in your home.

(My WH once took his OW to the storage place where my huge, lovely set of bedroom furniture was stored. The gal who worked in the office tattled to me that they went there and spent a lot of time looking at the stuff. I changed the locks, had his name/access taken off the account and informed WH to tell his OW that she had stolen my husband, but she wasn't getting my furniture too!)

bcboy, please change this error TODAY. You cannot be NONCOMMITTAL, you must be DECISIVE and FIRM. She cannot see any wafflng on your part. Your conflict avoidance days are over, friend, you no longer have that luxury. She must know that you are not going along with her plans so she will have second thoughts.

She needs to see that her little plan to destroy you will not be so easy. If she thinks you will do easy, she will continue on this path.

Please tell her TODAY, you will not be going anywhere, THIS IS YOUR HOME! Say it firmly, with confidence.

Absolutely.

As long as you are not firm about remaining in the home, she will CONTINUE to harrass you about it.

You are making this MUCH harder on yourself. Once you are firm about remaining, she will have no other choice but to accept it.

Marsh is right. Conflict avoidance will only cause more conflict. You no longer have the luxury to engage in conflict avoidance. You won't get away with it anymore.

Ditto to Marsh and Mel. BC, you have two of the best giving you advice...I suggest you follow it before it's too late.

OK the I'm not leaving message gets delivered today. I moved back upstairs two nights ago. She is not a happy camper. But then again neither am I.
I have been trying to be more concilliatory because she has felt I have been controlling in the past so I have been trying to accomodating. She is viewing my actions now as controlling. Well either I am controlling or a doormat, so look out world bcboy now has a backbone.

That's the way BC. You are getting our drift now.

You grew them - good work man!!

Beat that chest of yours and stand up to her.

Oh, she is going to be REALLY pi$$ed, so be prepared.....

Good for you!! So did your wife stay in the room with you, or move to the basement?

Just please be careful; I'm still concerned that she will try to provoke a physical confrontation.

Now you got it!!

And don't worry about being accused of being "controlling." We play the "controlling" card to shut down our husbands so we can get our way. DON'T FALL FOR IT. If defending yourself from her ASSAULT on your marriage is "controlling," then so be it.

And just keep this in mind, bcboy; your goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid making your wife angry at all costs.

Have you noticed that the wayward wives of the other husbands here all say the same thing? We have been seeing it here for years.

Melody you are a sweetheart. Thanks to all of you guys for helping me see through the fog. I have to get ready for her tirade about how she will move out if I don't. How I am ruiining any chance for us to get back together.

If she moves out anyone have experience if you can eliminate the joint bank account. I have restricted access to everything else but there are some operating funds in the joint account mainly from my cheques. She is currently unemployed, so has limited funds. I have noticed she has been buying cell phone time so she can "keep in touch". Should I cut off the money supply completely? I am viewing this a risky move as it could involk legal action. What are peoples experience?

Where are you BC? Canada?

You are very welcome, bcboy. And thank you so much for taking time to help others here when you are in a crisis of your own.


But, remember, you already "ruined your chances" last week when you confronted the OM?? So, ya can't ruin what is already ruined!

When she threatens to move out - and believe me she DOES NOT want to move out and is likely just bluffing - just tell her this:

"I would sure hate to see you go, but I would never dream of trying to stop you." <smile>


I would move half of your money out of the main account and have your checks diverted to a new checking account. She will need to get a new job to pay for her new pad. She should not be taking family money to fund her affair pad.

Also, if she does move, don't let her take a stick of furniture without a court order and a big TEXAS RANGER with a .45. Let her know she is not going to tear up your home without a fight. Say this nicely, of course. I am not telling you these things to be mean to her, but in order to force her to have second thoughts about the EASE of dismanteling her marriage and home. SHE SHOULD HAVE TO WORK VERY HARD FOR IT.

But like I said, I don't believe she intends on going anywhere. She is just saying that in the hopes it will get you to move.

bcboy, please don't dismiss our advice to protect your finances. We have had waywards who squandered $50,000+ in pursuit of their affairs and left the marriage in dire financial straits. They will buy boob jobs, plastic surgery, expensive trips for themselves and the OP, a houseful of brand new furniture for their new lovenest; we have seen it all!

Don't allow her to wipe you out financially because an insane WS will do it. And she may promise you she won't and not give you any warning before she wipes out your retirement savings or cashes in an entire equity line of credit. Our BS' who were wiped out financially never saw it coming.

secure the money bc. Melody is right in so many ways and this is one of them.

You need to take her off the acct. She will throw even more words out but its for your safety.

Absolutely not. When you told me the first time I battoned down the hatches. The only thing left is the operating account where we pay bills out of; Reduced the line of credit to 500.00 and have a minimal balance in there.

The only thing left tomorrow is to cancel the credit card she has on my account. I have already reduced the limit to 1000.00.

So she is going to go ballistic with this next move as she will really complain about my controlling abusive behaviour. I will be such a jerk in her eyes.

Last night she was trying to get me to move out of the house but leave her full access to the joint account. "I will be getting alimony anyway so why go to the bother and expense of the formal separation as it seems like an unneccessary expense because we may get back together in 6 months; if you can make the changes you need to make"

Oh sure, fund the affair. No thanks. Now that she has admitted to being deceptive and untruthful, how on earth can she expect me to trust her?

She says we would have to have trust in each other for this plan. Nice for her to keep her options open. She tells me she has to lie to me because she does not like what happens when she tells me the truth. The last time she told me the truth I confronted the OM and just made things ugly. I have damaged her reputation and caused friends to reject her.

And I am supposed to trust her now with the joint account. OK OK OK Melody I hear you. She is drunk. But dog gone it gal it does not make it any easier. I used to be on volunteer ambulance and I still got mad when a drunk ran into a family on the highway. Drunks do a lot of damage.