Justkeeptrying,

yeah you're right. You get used to the culture of the military. I am always nervous in new jobs to start but usually get the hang of it pretty quickly.

It just sounds very imposing, but like I say, if I can get home that in itself will be a blessing, a huge one.

I guess it makes me nervous that someone would pay anyone that much money, and if you take it you better darn well be worth it. That makes me nervous.

I'll let you know about the Harleys call.

Well,

Today I am as angry, bitter and resentful as I have ever been in my life. It started last night and is carrying forward into today. I had friends texting and calling me last night and I just let them all go.

I am so bitter and resentful towards WW that I can barely think straight. In fact I can't. For the first time since this whole thing I am completely disgusted by her.

I am disgusted by her lies, to me and the kids. She left our kids alone on school nights with no dinner to go bang OM charlie.

I am sickened by her double life. She is a lying pig.

I am sickened by her allowing another man to scr*w her numerous times. She is nothing but a 2 bit who*re and always has been.

I am sickened by the fact that she told me how good it was with no remorse. How she climaxed every time they were together.

I am sickened and disgusted that she still maintains she did nothing wrong.

And, I am grossed out by myself, being willing to take this kind of abuse, administered by her sick behaviour during the A, doled out to me in the aftermath by her mean attitude of anger and unremorsefulness, and compounded by me, who is allowing it to get to me like this.

I am sick of the drama most of all. It is just too much...

"And, I am grossed out by myself, being willing to take this kind of abuse, administered by her sick behaviour during the A, doled out to me in the aftermath by her mean attitude of anger and unremorsefulness, and compounded by me, who is allowing it to get to me like this."

I am glad you are finally seeing the truth about your wife. She will use you for money until you die but she will also demand the attention of other men and go out and boink the other men. Then she will have the gall to tell you how great it was with the other men while she is using you for her beer money, clothing money, and lingerie money to sleep with other men.

I would not be able to live with someone like that. Maybe when she is 65 and her looks are gone she will wake up and see what kind of person she is and all the people around her that she hurt. But then again, maybe women like her never see anything. I dont know.

Your anger is VERY understandable and expected...and normal.

SWW, if you decide that you don't want to save your M, you will still need to get a job closer to home so you can be there for your kids. Document her neglect of the kids. And go for full custody.

Stellakat,

If you or anyone else has advice for me in this condition I would appreciate it. If I talk to her or email her I will likely explode. Maybe I need to go dark for a day or two. I did last night.

I don't know if this is just a phase I am going thru or not.

I know I have been telling everyone on this board I want to save my marriage, I have been plan A'ing hard and am going home this weekend. Now I don't know. My whole life I have tried to never make a major decision in a state of anger but maybe that's what's called for here...to stand up for myself.

But last night and today, man, I just want to send her a blasting email or phone call and tell her how I feel.

That she is so wicked, disrespectful and a piece of trash.

How dare she treat me like this and just expect me to stand here and take it?! How dare she keep my kids in the dark as to why their mom and dad aren't getting along? How dare she be angry with me for exposing my knowledge to OM charlie? How dare she lie to all her friends and call me a piece of trash?

I left out one tidbit that is really steaming me.

I spoke to my sister 2 days ago. We were talking about WW issues. I am in the awkward position of defending WW these days.

Sister told me an incident surrounding my mothers recent death. My Mom died in a snowstorm accident in January 2008. Mom and dad's SUV got caught in a snowdrift on their way home to their house. They have a lot of property and a very long driveway. The car got stuck 1/2 mile from the house in a drift. It was a blinding storm. My dad told mom to stay in car while he made his way to the house, got the suburban and came to pick her up.

It took him almost 30 minutes to get back, the wind and snow was blowing 50 knots. When he got back, she was gone.

Search parties with avalanche dogs were called out and they finally found her. She was pronounced dead at the hospital though they tried to revive her for nearly an hour. The only explanation is that she got worried about my dad (they were married nearly 50 years,) got out to look for him, got turned around and went the wrong way and fell down. She was wearing only a light shell jacket.

I was at home at a friends during this for nearly 4 hours waiting to hear.

My sister in a fit of anger told me that at WW friends house where she was that night (before she came over to comfort me), OM charlie made a joke when they heard the news to the effect, "Well, that takes the life out of this party."

WW apparently told my sister this as if it was funny.

I am about to burst a blood vessel.

don't worry marsh,

i am going come hell or high water. I have journaled and documented everything. it won't be hard. everyone in town knows about WW lifestyle, it is a scandal. All you have to do is look at her phone bills to see how often she calls the house after 10pm on schoolnights, night after night after night.

First, I am soooo sorry about your mom. You've been dealing with a double whammy as it takes a very long time to grieve the death of a parent.

As to this,


Coming from OM charlie this doesn't surprise me. For your WW to relay it to your sister (who also lost HER mother) is deplorable. This just proves that WW have no heart or soul.

No one will blame you for your outrage and anger over the recent events in your life this year. It's probably good that it's finally coming to the surface. But one thing you must understand is that WSs are hateful creatures. Your WW is no different from any other WW. The bottom line is whether you want to continue to fight for your marriage and your WIFE (not WW) or just move on with your life.

Either way, you should NOT make life-changing decisions in the heat of your pain.

(((SWW)))

OMG, SWW, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your mom.

The fact that your WW repeated that sick joke is the bottom of the wayward barrel.

Sickening.


You ought to tell your children the truth, SWW.

Especially if you don't R your M.

I totally agree.

You know ... I'm not sure.

Maybe its my male perspective, but sometimes in life we encounter a person and situation that steps SOOOO far over the line of acceptable behavior that we just know within our gut that the only thing left to do is remove that person from our lives FOREVER. When these events occur, the only appropriate response is the one DESERVED ... anger, hurt, pain, hatred and ALL.

Now I understand that due to the children, that sww will never be able to completely sever his relationship with his WW, but she has sure EARNED sww's WRATH, and in a way, he's entitled to the opportunity to let her have it.

SWW,

Your anger is totally understandable...and normal from what I hear (I have yet to find my anger for what my H did). I think you have every right to vent about it and feel exactly the way that you do.

With that said, you are smart not to make decisions in the heat of emotion. I think going dark might be a good thing for you to do for a few days. Let yourself feel these things and then when you are calm again, think about what you want to do.

I think that your children should know about this either way. They are being affected by your WW behavior. My understanding here is that if the children are being affected, they have a right to know. Your WW will not see it that way, but SHE is the one who created this mess...she doesn't want to feel the ramifications of her actions at all.

At the risk of being crucified here...when I lost my mom, people said weird things. I think that some people don't know how to handle tragedy. I don't think it was appropriate for your W to repeat what OM said, but maybe she was just at an emotional loss to get what was acceptable at the moment. I know that may not be the popular view, but I can think of a few times that people said really off-handed remarks just after my mom died and I had to realize that they were just clueless.

HTM

SWW,

Could you write a letter to your WW expressing all of these emotions? Then sit on the letter for a week...maybe longer. At least until you figure out what you want to do. It might help to get the feelings out and know that you can send it to her if you decide to end your relationship.

I also think it might be worthwhile for you to send her an email that states you do not want to talk with her for the next few days as you are struggling with what YOU want to do. She's been pulling that sh*t on you...let her feel it.

HTM

I think you have been blinded, for years, to your wife's true nature. Now, all of a sudden, the truth of who and what she is and what all she is capable of and how toxic she is is coming out.

This truth shocks and angers you. It is not that she was not terrible before the affair, (affairs) she was, but you did not notice it as much before.

I think there is a time and place to yell at her or talk to her sternly. That time is not today however. Just relax and observe your feelings and write down what you see is your wife's live, her personality, who she hurts, who she helps, what she wants in life, and how she is out to get it.

This woman should be arrested for what all she did to you and the kids. But at least you can make it so you never have to be married to her again. That takes all your wits aobut you and a good attorney.

Dont waste time getting mad, get divorced!

Stellakat,

you said;

"I think you have been blinded, for years, to your wife's true nature. Now, all of a sudden, the truth of who and what she is and what all she is capable of and how toxic she is is coming out."

Yes, I have willingly overlooked a lot and been the only one that saw her good side since we were dating. My old friends counseled me at the time not to marry her. Said she was a gold digger and a mean person, shallow and deceitful.

I remember that she showed up uninvited to my commissioning ceremony from Officer Candidate School. I remember she wore a white dress. I'll never forget that dress. It was uncomfortable for my family. She didn't care. She knew what she wanted. She looked gorgeous, but demure and, I don't know how to describe it...sexy as he**, but pure as the wind-driven snow at the same time.

I only saw her physical beauty and she was always sooo nice to me that i was easily led to the slaughterhouse. Once she had me married she alternated between nice and mean. Actually once that ring was on her finger. The ring that was my great grandmothers, that was a giant solitaire, until WW after criticizing me for not consulting me on my ring selection, changed the setting and added 2 stones to it without telling anyone, really hurting my mom's feelings.

"I think there is a time and place to yell at her or talk to her sternly. That time is not today however. Just relax and observe your feelings and write down what you see is your wife's live, her personality, who she hurts, who she helps, what she wants in life, and how she is out to get it."

I agree. As a good Myers Briggs INTJ, I will sit down this afternoon on the veranda at the golf course, drink a scotch with a journal notebook and organize my thoughts. I will write it all down and be dark today and tonight.

"This woman should be arrested for what all she did to you and the kids."

Thanks, I agree, but it's nice to hear someone else say it.

"Dont waste time getting mad, get divorced!"

I am not making any final decisions on this today in my current state. I do know that I can't live like this anymore.

The anger I am feeling is something I have never experienced. It is eating out my living guts today. It is all I can do to keep a somewhat straight face until it is somewhat acceptable to get out of here before I yell at some innocent person.

One last thing I didn't share, and this is the only place I have to share it. My father has really been struggling with guilt over leaving my Mom in the SUV while he went back to the house to get the other vehicle during the snowstorm. He is really struggling with blaming himself for her senseless death. He insisted on going into the ER at the hospital while they were trying to revive her. He should not have gone in there.

My Mom was a very strong evangelical Christian with immense power. It was only after her death, when the entire town showed up for Church the next day that we found out just how powerful she was. Dad says some 10-12 people came up to him, many crying telling him how mom saved their life. she was apparently sending people to school, staying with people's childen so they could go to work, praying with people from all over the country. 1,000 people showed up to her funeral many of whom we had never seen before and patiently waited for what must have been hours to come thru the receiving line to tell us their story.

BUT, without my Dad she could not survive and vice-versa. She tried to pump her own gas one time and sprayed it all over the station so she never tried again. This was after she put gasoline one time in her diesel car. She left for Atlanta one time for the weekend with some girl friends and looked in her wallet and saw she only had 3 dollars and didn't know how to use an ATM!

Which leads me to this. My dad's brother called him this past weekend and told him something awful that he should not have. He told him that his wife heard on the tennis court that a rumor was going around that someone started that, "he (dad) left us (me and WW?) here abandoned when he took all his money out of our business and took her (mom) out to the Tetons. I am not sure he didn't leave her out there on purpose to get her money."

My sister immediately attributed this to WW, while I argued that it was stupid of my uncle to call dad and tell him something horrible like that when there is nothing he can do about it.

Sis is convinced WW said it, I was defending WW saying there is no such thing as a human being that is that cruel.

I am not so sure...

I really apologize for the rambling post. I know, this isn't a place to vent about your Mom, I just felt like clearing my head and heart about this. I haven't really mouned my Mom yet.

Maybe I'll be mourning 2 things soon...

I hope that your Dad is able to see that the rumors are something to dismiss. He KNOWS his relationship with your Mom. And yes, it was wrong of your uncle to tell him such a rumor! As for who started it...does it really matter? You probably will never know. Don't let it cloud your mind. You have enough on your plate.

I can tell you from personal experience, that losing your Mom will be a lifetime process. I think that the first year or two were the hardest for me...but there are still many times when the pain and sorrow is overwhelming (and it has been 12 years).

I hope that your Dad is able to find friends to support him. I know that my Dad needed people to pull him out into the world again. They almost had to force him because he was unable to do it himself.

I have told my H that his A hurt more than my Mom's death because my Mom didn't die on purpose. It is a perspective that not all people can relate to. You can survive both.

Have a scotch for me...I have three boys to chase around. My time is too interrupted to reflect for more than 5 minutes. At this moment I am playing referee between the 4 and 5 year old. Woohoo...these are the GOOD times!

HTM

headin' home for a few days, wish me luck and prayers for all of you.

sww

We will be.

Keep us posted.

How was your weekend?

I think SWW mentioned that he would be staying until Wednesday...we may not hear anything before then.

HTM

Hi all,

Had some good "me" time. Went home, had fun with the kids, then flew out west to visit my dad at his ranch.

Here's an update. I had a really downer day yesterday and Sunday and talked to the Chaplain yesterday. Last night a light bulb went off in my head. This is what I emailed the chaplain today:

"Feeling much better today. Think I have found an answer to my conundrum. Was reading some last night and did some Bible study in Matthew as well.

I need to forgive myself and be kinder to myself. I have been meeting betrayal and lies with patience and love as best I can, not perfectly mind you, but the best I can. However, I have been doing all this with expectation that it would "work."

I cannot make WW change or "see the light." I cannot force it, and my getting frustrated is only making ME miserable. If God wants to do that, He will, if not, then He will not. It is not my responsibility to save her, I can only do the best I can, for as long as I can, to demonstrate Christ's love as best I am able, nothing more.

I can only hold the door open, she has to walk thru it, I can't push or pull her thru. I can hold the door open only as long as I am mentally and emotionally able, after that, and I don't know exactly when that is, I have to pull it shut.

When Jesus returned to his hometown I read, "But he did not perform many miracles there, because of their lack of faith."

Well, I need to show more faith in God that he will do what's best for me and all concerned, get out of His way, and let him do what he has promised.

As of this point I really don't know if WW is still involved in an A or not. We talk daily and I am as patient, kind and loving as I can be. No LB's AO's etc.

She still refuses to wear her rings and when I was home she spent her birthday night with me and the kids and the other 3-4 out with her friends. One night all dressed up meeting the girls in our driveway and heading out as a group I guess to a bar or restaurant. She got home around 11PM.

She told a friend that when I move back to town for good there is no way she can live in the same house with me and would leave herself if need be. I set up DD with school guidance counselor so she would have a safe place to vent if she needed. DD's guidance counselor called me today and is going to call WW in due to these issues coming up in her couseling session with DD (WW out all the time etc.) She assured me she would broach the subject in a resposible manner that has the welfare of the children first.

As I said in my email, I now realize that I have been suffering from unrealized expectations whe I should have had none. Plan A, as you have all wisely told me is for ME, not her.

I will hold the door open as long as I can, but I can feel gravity starting to slowly, gently start to close it shut.

She has gone from, "I am so sorry I hurt you, I can't imagine how you must feel, I have to fix this, I just don't believe it's over, Why can't you please stick with me thru this etc." Now to, "I still don't think I did anything wrong, I will never judge someone because they had an A it's not my place, I can honestly say that as I look back over the last 24 years I haven't done anything wrong etc..."

She may be in withdrawal anger or the A may have re-started or there is a new OM. I do know though that I cannot heal her on my own.

StellaKat said, "this woman should be arrested for what she has done to you and your family."

Very true. This cruel, evil, unremorseful person deserves to be arrested.

If she is convinced she would be happier alone, a short plan B for me, and then she can try to make it on her own.

I go home again to speak to a lawyer in secret so at least I have a plan in place should it come to that and I am not just firing in the dark.