Hi Introvert

Interesting question.

In my case when Squid was in her affair pomp she joked to me in front of her affair-enabling friend that "its not the size its what you do with it". Praising OM. This was reinforced by OMs' GF when I spoke with her that OM is no sexual leviathan and in fact he admitted to ED and PE during his A with Squid.

However it is the illicit , exciting nature of affair sex that makes it "great" not any attribute of either partner.

I am younger, taller, bigger stronger, more handsome, better endowed and "longer lasting" than OM. But none of that makes any difference to how hurt I am because she chose to allow him inside her and she shouldn't have.

Like Aphelion I have never had sex with anyone but Squid. AFAIK she has only had sex with me and now OM.

I admit to an unhealthy valuing of lifelong monogamy, and its loss still hurts me now. I am the polar opposite to Believer in that I wasn't nearly so concerned about Squids EA component as the PA. Our SF is often ruined by movies and thoughts even no four years in.

I have no advice, when I find a way to handle this I'll pass it on.

It seems that me that both men and women engage in activity for emotional attachment as well as physical enjoyment. Where the differ is in how much they need in one department or the other. Men typical are more physical with less emotional, and vice versa, but not always so. There are women out there who don't need much emotional attachment, they are more interested in the physical side, just like a typical guy. Then there are guys who can't just sleep with anyone, they want it to me more then that.

I can't speak for anyone else, but if my wife was upset at me for something, I could tell she wasn't feeling all the great about me emotional, I'd be hestitant to have sex with her. I think know it's not so much about making love to me, as it is just having sex with someone. I just happen to be her husband and available at the time. I imagine there are guys that wouldn't care, not that they'd ignore the emotional issue, but it wouldn't cause them hesitation.

And I imagine most women wouldn't want sex with their husband if they were having issues with him. Maybe not all, and maybe they would engage to meet their husband's EN, and maybe improve the relationship overall.

SF competitiveness was a big thing with me after the A ended. In one of my posts from the old days I expressed the desire to ensure that I had created the 'best' SF experience for my W ever. I was told at the time that this was difficult. I knew that.

First, I never really asked any questions about their SF. I did not want the images and hangups that would come with that. I already knew that there were 3 things that suddenly she wanted me to do. I knew that she learned from OM. Over time I have learned those 3 things are not the biggest deal. I also learned there was only really 1 week of the A where their sex was any good. He was quite a pervert and she rebuffed anything kinky. Soon he was not even able to 'get it up'. He attributed it to guilt and she bought into it, being in the fog.

Anyway, I am not ashamed to admit that I did a massive research campaign on improving my techniques in the area of SF. Yes, I even paid for some of the stuff out there. After all the research, I did see some level of improvement. I had always tried to make sure she was satisfied, but I began to see her satisfied. There were some very good results and my confidence grew. A few times during this she told me that the OM wasn't really that great. She realized it was the 'taboo' nature of it, not his abilities.

Then in spite of all the research and paying for information, a few weeks ago I stumbled upon something on my own. I think all women are different, so I think I basically stumbled on her mega-button by chance. Though I had thought I had seen some strong reactions from her before, this one was totally explosive and went on and on and on. When it was over it took her several minutes to even be able to talk or move. She finally said 'OMG, that was the BEST EVER. It was insane.' In my mind I smiled and said to myself 'Mission Accomplished'.

I write that to make a point. I am not shallow about SF. It is very deep physically, emotionally and spiritually with me. I did, however, want very much to hear those words and it happened. I have tried to recreate that seismic response again since and have not quite done it. My newfound technique does result in a consistent great result, but not quite that night. I think there were several other factors that contributed. The right words during the day to build sexual tension. A good day at work. The right mood. No distractions. The right songs playing on the radio during.

Sorry for the long ramble. Not sure if it helps, but my main point is you have to trailblaze your own SF confidence. There are many, many things to be learned and applied that do not involve anything kinky.

Hey ladies,

Don't let this bother you at all.....In my sitch, the COW is 10yrs OLDER. Try to get around THAT one....they took MANY pictures of her. And at first glance, I thought she was pretty (thought that after cday anyway, but on cday my first though when I saw her was "OMG...your old"), she has an amazing body, and some great fake knockers. Then I saw them again awhile later, and this time around I saw her stretch marks, some cellulite, and the wrinkles.....anyway, her "image" is not quite as high as I once thought....but still to know that my WS went after a "old" bag, especially when PA is probably 1 or 2 on his EN'S, is still a hard pill to swallow.....

Anyway, just don't concentrate on it. KNOW in you heart and mind that YOU are WAY better than her, because no matter how beautiful and "unbleamished" she may seem, we all know her insides aren't.....

And remember, those "childbearing" marks are badges of honor. Especially when they were earned having your WS's child.....

not2fun

OMG, this was one of the biggest issues I had to deal with. In my sitch, OM was a typical "bad-boy", player-type, the type you date and have fun with, but don't marry nor bring home to meet mom and dad (though WW at one time talked of marriage). On the other hand, I am the classic "nice-guy" whom the girl would marry after their fun with the bad boy.

Anyway, while FWW was still in the midst of her fog, I was foolish enough to ask what was so special about this parolled ex-felon drug dealer. She then described their love-making sessions, up to 5 hours continuous, in which he smoothly moved her between just about every position described in every book, (him on top, her on top, behind, facing forward, facing backward, seating, kneeling, standing, on her back, on her stomach, on her side, and all combinations and permutations thereof) and entered her, both orally and genitally, in every one of her orifices. She also said that he said she was, of all the women he's had, the best *edit he's had.

Cripes, I'm trembling just typing this, even though this was months ago.

I, on the other hand, generally stick with one of 3 positions, with occaisional oral sex to spice it up.

FWW then told me that's what she's always wanted from me, and that it should come as natural and smoothly as it had from OM.

I then pointed out the dilemma FWW placed me in. She always acknowledged that she married me because I was cute, niave and 'safe' and not a player and not like all the other guys who were always pawing all over her, as she said. So, I point out its rather hard to be attracted to and expect me to be innocent, and yet also expect me to have the technique of an experienced player, especially when she expects the man to lead on his own, without having her to suggest what she wants.

She then had the nerve to say OM wasn't that experienced, and it just came naturally to him.



Yea, right.

Anyway, for a long time lovemaking was nearly impossible because, each time I saw FWW nude, I was then haunted with images of her and him together.

Once that was overcome, then the next hurdle was my low self esteem and insecurities I was now priviledges to have been given.

As the fog lifted and WW ended the A and wanted to reconcile, she realized what had been done. She first assured me repeatedly that she was not judging or comparing me. She also pointed out, regardless of his technique, she had many more O's with me than him. She also pointed out that, except in the bed, that I had OM beat in almost every other quality.

She also got over her reluctance of expressing what made her feel good and what she wanted. However, the only hangup was that I knew that most of the things she was suggesting were things that OM did on or to her. That took a while to get over, as well. Fortunately (I guess) is that FWW was drunk many times when we started making love again, and didn't remember she had told me things, so later, when I started doing certain positions, she asked me where I learned that. I told her I was just relaxing and doing what came natural.

So, I guess in sum, to get through such a thing, WW needs to be sensitive to the insecurities just placed on BH, to clearly show that she is not comparing and judging, and to be willing to suggest what she wants without being (too) obvious as to where she learned of it.

P.S.: She also did point out that I am bigger

Emotion is a key drawing factor to women. Physical is not as important. "size" is not important. I just made the mistake of attempting to watch a movie about John Holmes...it disgusted me. The guy thought since he had a 14" *edit* he was god. I thought it was a definite B grade movie that lacked any substance, about a guy who was in love with himself and I couldn't figure out why. So any of you guys who think it's about that, get over it. I say that to be kind...size isn't important. Excitement of tasting forbidden fruit probably enters in to most affairs, whether men or women. After all, they don't have to deal with the realities of life, just the fun parts. Triggers...I'd say probably a man paying attention to her, treating her as if she mattered...it comes back to meeting emotional needs (HNHN). You're right, if your wife is having an EA, the PA probably isn't far behind. However, women aren't cut out like cookie cutters, I'm speaking for women I know, I'm sure there are some out there that are just in it for the physical...just not the women I know.

I think you should edit your post for language. I don't see that the use of the word "D***" is really needed.

I don't think most women would appreciate the use of the word "c***" on this site.

I don't mind the word.

which one?

I mind them both.

The D word. The C word is a little more derogatory than the D word. The C word is used to basically insult women to the greatest extent...the D word, not so much. I don't know many women who deserve to be called the C word, but I know a lot of guys that are *edit*.

Besides, she used the word as a description of John Holmes' penis, not to insult anyone.

The owners of this site as well as the TOS prohibit the use of profanity.

It is not up for debate.

c00per

A reminder:


If you think your word choice might be profane - try a substitute word.

c00per

I HATE that word and I would be offended, unless it is used to decribe the OW....then by all means call a spade a spade.....


not2fun

I've thought and thought on how to explain in words the difference between affair sex and married sex, and I continue to come up wanting...I just don't think that I will be able to convey what I want to, especially without getting graphic, but I'm gonna give it a shot...

Affair sex is mostly in your head...It's more about the "build-up"...there are a lot of conversations between the adultery partners about it, and so there is much anticipation...the conversations about it serve as a form of foreplay really...the problem is though, the actual sex is always lacking compared to the fantasy...That goes unspoken though, and you do all that you can in your head to try and make the experience match the fantasy...it still falls short...

I distinctly remember thinking that Mr. W was better, but I also remember trying very hard to push that thought to the back of my mind...it interfered with the fantasy, and you don't want any part of that during an affair...You sure as heck can't tell the OP to "do it this way like my spouse does"...

As far as regaining confidence goes, I can only say that Mr. W amazes me...He never seemed to let it shake him, and I was BRUTAL with my descriptions I am ashamed to say...Mr. W almost seemed to take it as a challenge, as bizarre as that may sound...He became unbelievable...a man possessed in some ways...He was already better than OM, and still he stepped up his game...I remember him telling me that I did not define his masculinity, that that was only for him to define...I think he just looked in the mirror and KNEW that he was the better man and went about his business, OM be damned...I also remember him telling me during one of my "fog diatribes" that he too could go out and essentially have "hot monkey sex" with someone new...put his best foot forward and all that jazz...that it was not the big deal that I thought it was...He was right...very, very right...

Mr. W and I were just discussing this before I posted it, and we both agree that our sex life now is far more fulfilling than it has ever been...May that bring hope to those of you still deeply hurting where this issue is concerned...

Really, there is no question that marital sex is far better, both physically and emotionally...

Mrs. W

they both are a profane term for a body part. Whatever you think about them....that is the meaning of the words.

Let's be adults here shall we ...

Seriously, is there anything in any of these posts as vulgar, profane, and obscene as the actual REALITY of what all of us have faced.

This is a subject that causes emotions to run RAW, and I fully understand ANYONE who chooses to express themselves with a select "4 letter word" or two every now and then.

I can handle the descriptive "words" ... its the wayward "acts" that are truly offensive, but we HAVE to deal with those ... so are the "words" really that important?

IMHO, if you're mature enough to discuss the subject, the descriptive words are just part of the package.

I agree.

Since it is usually teenagers that see the need to use such words to get their point across, I suggest we be adult and use words that are not so colorful.

Please email me if you require further discussion of how this board is moderated. Continue this discussion withour profanity - which violates TOS and the desires of the owners of this site.

c00per

*edit*

Are you for real medc?

All of the 2x4's that you swing, and the "D" word bothers you? Really?