Hey all!

My appt with Steve is first thing tomorrow morning! I was so surprised & pleased to get one so quickly!! Obviously, God's got my back on this!


Definately an emergence of H rather than Drac. Definately.


I think you are right - - and I also think it's the best way for me to go for now. As LG said, sort of Plan A,,,, Sort of.

I do think this is him 'knocking' at the door to see what's going to happen. I just don't know if what's really waiting outside the door with him. Does HE even know himself?

I wanted to respond about the 'not talking', but definately want to get Steve's input before going anywhere close to any kind of relationship talk. Guess it really is like Plan A in that regard. I wanted to say, "I'd love to talk to you. I'm just afraid." But, now is not yet the time. And Steve can help me with the plan to get to that time,,,,,,,,and with the what to say, how to say it.

I did reply to his email - I just asked "So, what's the trick to getting good rest without sleep? :):)"

He replied this morning -

"I have found recently good rest is curling up with the Bug on the couch wathcing tv. She has become quite the cuddlebug."

I'm sure she has now that he is available to HER without the HO in the way. Of course, I'm not going to say THAT.

I was thinking of something like, "You are so right,,,nothing in the world can compare to snuggling with our Bug. I know she loves that time with you just as much."

I'll pop in later to see if you all have any other suggestions. Me & the kids are hitting the road for the day.

Thanks for the input all!

Oh Bugs, sounds like he is missing his family......

I AGREE with LEXX and CHAI 100%!

Can't wait to hear what Steve says!!

Yes, GOD is ALWAYS ON TIME!!

First, for the important news - Dad is on his way HOME!

Yep, none of us can believe it, but darn if it isn't happening! It is such a miracle!!

Mimi,


Yes, He is. Thankfully.

Kids and I had a great time today. Did the zoo and the science center. We all had fun. Tonight is some house cleaning and then relaxing.

Chai,


Wouldn't that just be too darn perfect? Do I dare to hope?

I did mention to one of my sisters today about Drac's 'willingness' to be so helpful. She reminded me that her impression of him (and it's pretty accurate), is that he is known for changing his mind on a dime,,,
that he's about what makes him happy 'right this minute',
and that as he "has nothing else going he's going to try to manipulate you".

I thanked her for pointing out the fact about him being interested in me since he has 'nothing else going on'. OUCH!!

She might be on to something. Yet, she knows nothing of MB or my true hopes/desires. Still, it's good reminders that I need to keep in mind for my own protection.

Less than 13 hours to some professional advice. I hope I can sleep tonight. I plan to be up early to be prepared. Notebook and timeline at hand.

Well, time to cook some dinner for the hungry vacationers downstairs.

Remember Bugs, people outside of MB (even or especially our own families) don't understand. You aren't just jumping into anything. YOU'VE WORKED THE MB PLAN and now it just may pay off. You are wise to be cautious but lordy, this is almost textbook. I can't wait to hear what Steve has to say.

(((Bugs))) Thinking about you....

Wishing you luck.

Outstanding post, PM! Took the words out of my brain and made them more concise.

Happy for the good news about your dad, Bugsy.

{{{{{{{{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

May the phone call with Steve be everything you need and more with blessings and information.

You know we all can't wait to hear what he says.

((((((BUGS))))))

Not much to add.. I think a lot of us are kinda hanging out, waiting to see what Steve's take on all this is.. but I think PM hit the nail on the head..

This is what we've all read about.. and what Steve has written that he has seen time and time again..

You've worked a marvelous MB plan that anyone could be proud of, and the dividends may just be in the offing.

Praying for you and yours.

((((Bugs))))


Fox

Morning,

Thanks all.

It went well with Steve. Short version is that there is a way for this to happen, and we discussed what it will take.

I will have to go through all of my notes to give you all a decent summary later tonight. I always go back through it all for my own benefit as well. Suffice it to say that I have a 'plan', I know what I want/need to do, and what to watch for.

It is going to be a careful situation - for MY protection. As he said, the door can be cracked, but keep your hand on the knob, knowing that I am in control of it and I can close it at any time.

There is "room" now with Drac's situation with the HoNoMo. There is a void there to be filled. One of the questions is how Drac will choose to fill it - - and it is possible for it to be me that fills it.

Drac is now gaining the "capacity" and the "ability" to be aware of things outside of himself now as the fog is lifting. Steve believes as he has started to inquire about me, that this can/will continue. It will be continued interactions that will allow an opening to then test the water with Drac in regards to the possibility of an "us" again. That is something to keep in my pocket and have ready when the time presents itself.

Gee, there's so much we talked about - - -again, I think doing a summary of my notes will be the best way to explain it all later.

Brief Drac update - - - I updated him last night that Dad is coming home. I also thanked him for the advice on getting good rest.

He replied this morning with comments that he hopes Dad listens to the dr and gives himself the time to heal.

He then said, "I have been waiting to see how things progressed before getting with you. Ihave plans to be out of town this weekend and my flight does not get back until Sun night at 11. Will the kids be able to stay Sunday night and I pick them up Monday morning?
Good sleep is very rare. Who would have thought the trash (environmental) industry would be so stressful?"

I haven't replied yet. Am considering what I want to say. I am more than curious where he's going and with who. I've not heard a peep about this from the kids, so I doubt they know anything about it. I am trying not to think too much about it. It is what it is.

Anywho,,,,am signing off for now. We have a day at the water park planned.

BUGS!!!! Don't keep us in suspense too long girl. We can't wait to hear more.


It seems that Steve approaches things a little differently than Jennifer. Anybody have an opinion on it?


(((BUGS))))

Ok, here is a summary of the call that I had with Steve this morning.

To start off with, I gave him a quick update on what has happened since our last session a year ago. We kept it brief (it helped having my timeline done in advance), although he of course, asked some questions.

The question I started with was, did he think there is an opportunity to restore our relationship/marriage.

The answer is yes. Obviously, though, it does depend on Drac and what he wants to do. Steve pointed out that I have gotten to and am now in a ‘safe place’. The benefit of Plan B. He asked, how would adding Drac back into the mix enhance MY life. Why do I want to restore my relationship with him?

I told him because I do still have love for my husband. I believe that we can have a better, improved marriage and that although it was previously flawed, what we had in the past had many, many good things about it. The best thing for our kids and for us is to be together in a loving family. Together, with love restored. And I believe that is possible.

Steve asked several more questions – Who have I talked to about this? My Answer – no one outside the forum knows that I am harboring the true hope to restore our relationship. I mentioned about my sister’s comment yesterday.

Has Drac acknowledged any of the changes in me? My Answer – last year he did say that he had noticed changes, but he did not believe they were for real or that they were long term.

What were his comments about his session with Steve last year? My Answer – Drac said he felt manipulated. He said several times prior to the D that I was trying to manipulate him and control him. That was his feelings about my Plan B letter as well.

All of this information, though, comes mostly prior to Plan B, as we haven’t had any relationship type talk in months,,, actually in almost a year now.

Steve said there is a way to make this happen. The strategy is to address the fact that the affair created a severe injury to our relationship. That injury has to be treated in order to develop an intimate relationship again. There is NO re-set button. We can’t pretend that this never happened or try to sweep it under the rug. It will have to be dealt with. It NEVER works going forward long term if you don’t address it. It will take us both being on the same page to educate ourselves first on what it is going to take to do this, and then putting that into practice.


I need to stay guarded. Having interactions with him could create ‘intoxication’ on my part and I need to not ‘float’ him an emotional loan. In other words, don’t’ give him any credit that is not earned or due to him because of my own expectations or desires. I need to be careful not to over inflate my love bank with things that are more my hopes, than his true actions.

I know you all will help me a lot with that!! And that you will make sure I question myself honestly. Ask, what has he done,,,really done? I need to be very aware and to keep my wits about me.

Steve is very much a proponent of second changes. Similar to last year I can approach Drac with the idea of an experiment (MB). There is SO much to be gained by trying reconciliation via MB principles. The ‘conditions’ have changed, so yes, this is the time to see about giving this a shot.

He advised me that this is very dangerous territory. I should keep the Haz-Mat suit at the ready.

We also discussed that care needs to be taken with how it looks to the kids. Not inflating their expectations and such.

Throughout this, timing does matter. I need to keep up with various comments as opportunity presents itself. Small things. I need to acknowledge that doing this is exposing myself (BC, don’t go there!! J) I need to take care not to over expose. It must be limited.

Most of the comments we discussed will come once I have confirmed that he is ‘interested”. For now, it is waiting and working towards the opportunity to throw out the idea for him to consider. Focused towards getting to there being ‘idea’ of us being in love again. Then stepping into investigating a plan. Not doing anything together,,,,but that there is something he can look into. I can look into. Very much like last year.

My comments right now should be such to give him the knowledge that the door isn’t closed. Yet, also that it isn’t wide open either. It should not seem that I have a plan for him. And I need to take care that I don’t put myself into the position of Drac treating me as a ‘back up plan’. I specifically said to Steve that I will not be a backup plan for him.

Steve said that if Drac were a very confident man, he would see me as ‘single/ available”, and he would believe that he has a chance with me.

As Drac is less than confident in many ways (deep down) then he is going to need to hear this from me. Drac views me as being just fine as a single Mom and likely does not believe I would need or want him again. I will need to say things to make it known that I need him.

These are all things that I need to keep in my pocket ready for use at the right moment. I think I will know when to throw in a few choice sentences to get this information conveyed - - especially with the great assistance from you all here!

With HoNoMo, his communication as been increasing. His comments about me or to me specifically are increasing and will likely continue to increase as Drac’s CAPABILITY increases.

As the fog is lifting, he is once again aware of things outside of himself and the affair.

He will continue to inquire about me. It is up to me to allow those interactions to get deeper and deeper, until the right opportunity comes to jump off and ask. Perhaps something along the lines of “Have you ever considered an ‘us’ again?”

We discussed that all of the stuff about the experiment, the ideas, a way for this to happen, having a plan, etc is what will come if the answer is YES.

We also discussed what can be gleaned out of a NO and whatever else he says after the ‘no’. No isn’t always No forever. No usually indicates there is a concern of some sort that is preventing the yes. What is said after the no gives us clues as to what the concern is. When I know what the concern is, I can decide if I want to try to overcome that concern or not.

Drac needs to understand that his feelings CAN change. But this isn’t something I’m trying to force him to do. I want to encourage him in the direction that will make him happy, and get him to IMAGINE that is it possible. That is what Steve would do in counseling with him. That is what he tried to do last year, but Drac was having none of it.

I asked specifically about meeting needs for Drac right now. Steve said that room has been made. There is a void to be filled with the absence of the Ho. The first and easiest is physical attractiveness. As I have pointedly not allowed him sight of me (if I could help it) for a long time, that is a good way to slowly show the door to be open. CAREFULLY, and not over the top! No big seduction scenes.

Many of the Drac’s needs are not going to be possible for me to meet just yet, as if I started doing new things right now, it would only come off as being manipulative.

Admiration is a good one, but again it must be done with considerable care and restraint. It needs to be subtle and controlled. And as always honest & sincere!

Very important not to love bust. So, I can modify a few things, a little bit at a time.

I need to remember that at this point Drac is uneducated
He is Unaware
He is Unsafe
Like the lion that looks all sweet & cuddly but has sharp teeth & claws!

There will need to be a change in the conditions to allow me to be with him in a safe way.

For now, I control the door. I keep my hand on the doorknob. I stay on guard. I stay aware. I pay attention to the information I am getting from him.

It is important to establish the destination up front. That will help keep me out of being the ‘back up plan’.

One thing I can consider saying if the opportunity arises is “I want to be up front with you. I want a relationship with you where either we are in love with each or we are not. Wouldn’t it be great if we were? Even though we don’t have it now we can/need to look into how a planned strategy can get us there and keep us there. I want you to look at me as the woman you love for the rest of your life and I want to look at you the same way. I believe there is a way to make that happen.’

This really is a sell of the ‘idea’ of there being a way for this to happen. Heck, what do we have to lose? The stuff is already divided up. I have my life. He has his. Yet together we can have so much more – and our kids can have so much more – an intact loving family. Wouldn’t that be worth putting a little time into checking out an idea that could make that happen?

So,,,,,,,,,,,that’s kind of it in a nutshell. Modified Plan A type actions on my part. Great restraint on my part. Waiting for the opportunity to see where he stands.

For now, though, who knows? It will be a time will tell situation for a while yet. And, depending on what I see, hear, and feel for myself, I may choose to simply close the door.

For tonight, I need to respond to his email about being out of town and my keeping the kids. I think I'm going to try to approach this as if I were dealing with someone 'new' in my life. That way I'm not attaching so much past wonderings and suspicions about where he is going and who he is going with.

Ladybugs called him early as she is going to the neighbors to spend the night. She told me it 'sounded like he was at a party". UGH - I don't need that kind of info. It tweaks me a bit. I commented in a very offhand manner, "well isn't he always?" She replied, "Yep, pretty much". It made me laugh!

So, a quick email to Drac, then gotta do some laundry for our day/overnight trip tomorrow.

I'm interested to hear what you all have to say about my session with Steve.??

I cant' say much in the substance part because I don't have that type of knowledge an clearly I am NO expert.

But I think what he says makes absolute sense and is amazing. Knowing that we both still have love for our H's, this has to give you hope and a plan to work through and see what happens, versus just being in Plan B and doing nothing.

I'm so happy for you. How are you feeling? Do you have any questions for people on here after rereading your notes?

Wow -- you covered a LOT of ground. I am certain that was time and money well spent.

As I read that, I just kept thinking what a hero you are for your family. And how sweet it would be someday in the future for Drac and the rest to know how WELL you fought for them.

I very much approve of his guidence. A controlled warming.
(see? you DO control global warming!)

You are absolutely on FIRE these past few days Lexxxy..


(((BUGS)))

I have no doubt this has given you a TON of things to consider and think about.

Keep your notes.. refer back to your post here often..

Once you feel 'safe' enough to ask him for sure where his interest lies.. and honestly, not being an expert I imagine he probably still needs time to fully de-fog.. but I can certainly see a slow warming, reeling in the H, yet staying safe from Drac..

My prayers are with you Bugsy.. even though I have absolutely no doubt God is right there with you too..

Just awesome..

It's uncharted waters for me, Bugs, which is why I kept recommending Steve. I'm glad you talked with him.

I'm pulling for you.

Uncharted waters is right! For me, too!

I'm trying to worry about nothing more than steering my boat with a strong wind at my back and keeping in the sunshine.

Drac's withdrawn a bit in the email exchanges. I'm not surprised. I think there will be a bit of cat & mouse here. The 'crisis' has passed with my Dad. Drac played the good guy, but now he's totally focused on this trip he is taking this weekend, so it's back to being self-absorbed Drac.

His email replies have been back to all business with limited words.

The fog isn't totally lifted, so it's not a big surprise. A lot of this depends on what this trip is all about. I'm not going to 'investigate' to find out more about it. That info will come out eventually. I think I should 'assume' it's nothing that could be considered 'good' in terms of him coming around in my direction.

I am not going to chase him. That won't do a bit of good. So, no more email from me for a few days. I will be dressed in work Goddess mode Monday morning when he comes to get the kids. I won't be going TO the door, but the shades will be open when he arrives. Or perhaps I'll be coming back from walking the dog when he gets here. I'll see how it goes.

So, for the weekend, it's total focus on more good times with the kids.

Oh,,,,MCD called yesterday. He is sending something in the mail for Ladybugs. A friend of his got something at a concert the other day that he knows she will love.

Hmmmm, I know,,, this is going to be something for me to address sometime in the future. MCD is apparently taking the slow, respectful, pursuit route. He obviously knows that Ladybugs is very key to my life. I don't really know what to think about that just yet.

Going to go pack and get ready to roll.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Yea. It probably has to do with the weekend. Sad for you..but true...you know he's not gonna go without SOME KINDA WOMAN to try to meet those needs, especially SF...


EXACTLY...

Hi Bugs,

I see your continued efforts into exploring the possibility of recovering your family and M again, given the opportunity at hand and regardless of the outcome, as something to give Bugs all the more reason to be proud of when looking at yourself in the mirror...

You are doing a great job at showing us all how to do and maintain a true 'balancing act' worthy of a circus number....

...of how to remain in a safe zone, be responsible and cautious, yet be light and adventurous in the face of the unknown...

Keep up the good work, and thanks for continuing to share your voyage...

As Steve has said, if any part of Drac also wants this to happen too, you will be providing the tools and knowledge, and so, all the more reason to being attentive on doing it... respectfully... towards yourself and Drac!