Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Yep, THREE times! I was married for 6 months when I was in college and then got divorced. Hopefully the third time is a CHARM.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Thank you, LA!! The mud is much clearer now!! ;\)

And LOL on the ML comment!!

Charlotte

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
 Quote:
Hey, while we're kicking his ass and humiliating him in front of the family, why not make it complete and knee him in the groin and say "take that you pansy!!" If we are going to repay obnoxious behavior with abuse, why not get it all in and get a bigger bang for your buck!?


Oh..my.

She has tried to explain it to him in private. He isn't getting it. While he makes comment about her mother to others...why can't she tell him to stop?

I'm saying to call him on it while he's doing it. Talking about it later ain't working.

People generally behave poorly in front of others because they KNOW that the person won't say anything to embarrass themself. I would think it would be more embarrassing to sit there and say nothing while he goes on and on about how he hates her mother, her mother is this or her mother is that.

Stop it while it is taking place. Others won't be embarrassed by her speaking up...they are generally embarrassed when someone doesn't.

committed

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
You know what, I wonder if there are not more serious problems here if she has told him several times to stop and he won't stop? That reaches a level of very purposeful DISRESPECT that needs to be addressed in a more serious manner, IMO. If he is that disrespectful about THIS, he surely is about other things. That is the kind of behavior that quickly erodes love.

aeri, he is normally disrespectful to you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
FOO...Family of Orgin


Whenever aeri has approached him about issues when they are alone, he will 'poo poo' her concerns...call her overly dramatic...and then subject her to the silent treatment.

He honestly thinks it is ok to trash her Mom...not just to her...but to anyone standing there.

Since he won't acknowledge it when they are alone, I suggested doing it in front of others. Maybe someone else will pipe up and say..."yeah, man, that's like uncool to trash her Mom like that". He needs a reality check.

committed

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
 Originally Posted By: ark^^
he chooses this behavior
he has total control over it
he knows better

she has told him probably over and over and over and over and over...


Do you know this for a FACT? Because I don't see where she says this.

This would make a critical difference in my response, of course. It would mean he doesn't CARE about her feelings, so it would be useless to tell him it made her unhappy and render my advice irrelevant. If he doesn't CARE about her feelings then it is pointless to tell him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
I think I posted about our Christmas issue and it was settled nicely. Unfortunately, I was faced with the same issue this week, except I really had to be proactive about settling it.


faced with the same issue this week...

he chooses this behavior
he has total control over it
he knows better


I state those as fact...

unless he goes around putting every other human being on earth down including his boss at work....he knows better
has control over it
and
chooses it....

sociopaths and pyschotic people may at time lose control of their actions be victims...thankfully they are put away for their and ours safety...

that's only the tiniest percent of the population thank goodness..



there are huge red flags in this post...

dealing with any conflict by punishing her by not talking for days....

This doesn't stop my Husband from showing his displeasure with my Mom for the duration of the visit. He doesn't smile when he's there. He broods. He watches what he wants on TV and if my Mom suggests something else, he'll get up and say "let's go home"...

interesteing that other family members fear too much to confront him on his own crap...nicely meanly....whatever however..

My problem is, I can never have a conversation with my H without him getting extremely angry at me and not speaking to me for days

ridiculous...

ark

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
 Quote:
It would mean he doesn't CARE about her feelings, so it would be useless to tell him it made her unhappy and render my advice irrelevant. If he doesn't CARE about her feelings then it is pointless to tell him.


See, that is what I think is happening...to a certain degree.

aeri usually posts on EN and I believe that a few times she has posted about these kind of issues. It's just a different topic...but the same behavior.

She wants to treat him with the utmost respect in her requests but he shuts her down when he perceives her comments as "negative" AGAINST him.

He will withhold affection for days...and will give her the silent treatment for days when she approaches him about her concerns.

I have no doubt that she is respectful in her comments to him...because she wants to avoid his normal response to her. She hates the cold shoulder....shoot, anyone would hate that.

I think his behavior is related to cultural differences too. He isn't a good ole boy from Texas. A good ole boy from Texas wouldn't diss anyone's Momma.

(He is Scandanavian...I think. She can correct me if I am wrong.)

I realize that bad manners shouldn't have cultural borders, but I cannot help but wonder if it could.

edit: He is what my family would call "petted". When he was young, he almost lost his life (not sure of the particulars) and his family doted on him during that time..and continued to do so after he survived. When he subjects her to the silent treatment, I see a child holding his breath til he turns blue, because someone hasn't been "nice to him". I think he has carried on this type of 'spoiled rotten' to his marriage.

committed


Aeri..hope you don't mind that I added some info from previous posts. If it's inaccurate...let me know.

Last edited by committedandlovi; 07/31/08 02:28 PM. Reason: oops...left something out
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
He is Scandanavian...I think.

what Scandanavians don't have enough sense to know when to shut their pie holes... \:\/

I ain't from God forsaken Texas either...

but I wouldn't hurt my husband over and over and over and over by dissing his family to any and everyone......
and I wouldn't go to someone elses home and disrespect them there.....

Arkie

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
 Quote:
My H said "you spend time with your Mom because you have no friends". This actually isn't true--my H usually gets upset if I spend time with my girlfriends when he's home, so I don't go out with them anymore. I told him I choose to see my Mom on the days that I can because she's always happy to go out with me (my girlfriends don't call me anymore)....So, I felt that my H was implying that I spend time with my Mom because I'm a loser with no friends....It felt like he was trying to tear me down....

SO, fast forward to Thursday...my Husband is angry. He's not speaking to me. He hasn't spoken to me since we ended our conversation last night. When I went upstairs to ask if he wanted a snack, he said "I'm up here because I'm avoiding you"...I asked him why...he said "because you're annoying me"...So, having a civilized conversation is "annoying" to him. This morning, he said he didn't want to hug me and he may consider it "later"....He withholds affection when he's angry...but what can I do to make sure he's not angry?

SO...any suggestions on how to make my Husband feel love for me again? I'm at a loss (as usual...)


Aeri, do you think your husband might have a little abusive streak?

Why are you trying to figure out ways to make you husband feel love for you again. All you tried to do was tell him that it hurts you and your family the way he treats your mom, and even then you worried about how to say, even beginning with "I love you" so he wouldn't get angry.

Do you think he could possibly losing respect for you, not love.

It is pretty mean to tell someone they have no friends. I think that is a very hurtful thing to say to your wife.

I think regaining his respect by not putting up with his immature meaness, and sulleness may go along way.

If my husband treated my mother that way, well it would only have happened once. Me, I gotta big mouth, so I probably would have said "don't you ever badmouth my mother or treat her poorly again" end of story. Nothing to discuss. Your family is way kinder than mine to come to you and ask you to speak to him. My siblings would have stopped him immediately. Mel, (who is more diplomatic than me) appreciated her husband telling her nicely, yours didn't. Big difference.

How he handles other peoples reactions to his very poor and hurtful behavior is his problem. That's part of growing up.

edited to add: a tad bit abusive is probably not the right word. maybe immature is a better word.


Last edited by JosieJones; 07/31/08 02:34 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Well, if he acts like this all the time, then I reassert my suggestion to KNEE HIM IN THE GROIN when she tells him to SHUT YER PIE HOLE!

aeri, why did you choose such a thoughtless oaf for a husband? And why do you tolerate it? By tolerating that abuse you are training him to mistreat you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
 Originally Posted By: ark^^
He is Scandanavian...I think.

what Scandanavians don't have enough sense to know when to shut their pie holes... \:\/

I ain't from God forsaken Texas either...

but I wouldn't hurt my husband over and over and over and over by dissing his family to any and everyone......
and I wouldn't go to someone elses home and disrespect them there.....

Arkie


I'm not sure if it has anything to do with it or not...I'm just saying.

Some cultures are very curt and cold people. I lived in a few different countries and I have traveled to 6x times that many and some people are downright rude, and when you question them it's like..."what? what did I say"?

What we consider rude or brusque...they consider honest.

Still, there's a line and since he won't acknowledge her line in private, he can damn well acknowledge it in public. It would make no nevermind to me.

committed

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What about this: the next time he pulls that crap in your momma's house, STAND UP, FACE HIM and say with your iciest voice:

"I BEG YOUR DAMN PARDON?"

And then escort him to the door.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
 Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
What about this: the next time he pulls that crap in your momma's house, STAND UP, FACE HIM and say with your iciest voice:

"I BEG YOUR DAMN PARDON?"

And then escort him to the door.


Whew....now here's the Mel that I know on this board.

I thought someone had taken over your body there for a few minutes. \:o

A podperson or sumpin....

committed

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Aeri,

I don't think you should get in the habit of allowing him to stonewall you either. Stonewalling is very cruel (refusing to speak to you, withholding affection, etc).

I get in fights with my husband, and I won't let him stonewall me. That hurts me more than anything.

Me, I'd be right there in his face until he talked to me about it.

Sulking is for cats. My cat sulks, and I let her. We had a dog that would even turn completely around and face the wall when he was sulking. That's okay. But husbands aren't allowed to do that. (my daughter isn't either) Me, I could never, ever sulk silently when I am angry, but everyone else probably wishes I would.

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
 Quote:
I thought someone had taken over your body there for a few minutes.


No doubt! She was even making me feel guilty and start retracing my actions in the last few disagreements I have had. I was even starting to wonder if I acted bad when I told my husband to shut up about my drunken, obnoxious little sister. (who, by the way, was drunk the whole weekend, but only I can say how gross she was)

Didn't he ever hear that saying "I can say whatever I want about my family, but you better keep your mouth shut about them"?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Why would a person even HAVE a useless CAT except for snipe hunting??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
 Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Why would a person even HAVE a useless CAT except for snipe hunting??


If you want to know the truth, Mel, it's because she won't take a hint.

No matter what I do, every single, blessed time I open the door, there she is back again.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
What about this: the next time he pulls that crap in your momma's house, STAND UP, FACE HIM and say with your iciest voice:

"I BEG YOUR DAMN PARDON?"

And then escort him to the door.



I hope mamma sends some ghosts to haunt him..
and casts a spell that makes frogs leap from his mouth every time he starts to say something mean....

arkie

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,998
*
Member
OP Offline
Member
*
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,998
Thanks for your insights, Committed...I can always count on you!

 Quote:
I would chatter around the house...and be sure to insert "I sure do Love you" when he starts sulking. It is almost like shaming him into behaving better. Dance through the house...make comments about the weather....go about life just as happy as you can be. He will soon realize that his bahavior is causing him to miss out on the good stuff.


I've been doing this.

Last night, I cut up some of his favorite cheese and went upstairs and told him that it was there if he wanted it. I kissed him before I went to bed. I did all the things I would have done if he hadn't been giving me the cold shoulder.


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 34 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5