VW - my w was involved in a brief EA over a year ago which was a seminal event in the near dissolution then dramatic rebirth of our marriage. True I was naive and I did not recognize how her relationship with another man was confusing the picture. Not recognizing and dealing with this aspect of our conflict made fixing things harder than they had to be. But, I feel differently than some of the posters here. I think that even if your wife is involved in an EA or more - her getting her needs met by someone else is not the main problem in your marriage. Yes, that needs to stop completely. But rooting out an affair will not solve your marriage problems. You need to focus most on the illness in your marriage (depleted love bank), not the symptoms (affair).
You need to become an EXPERT in meeting her ENs and avoiding love busters. You need to simultaneously make your marriage one your wife wants to come back to, something she would choose if she could choose all over again. Yes, do all the investigation and exposing and all that. An ongoing affair will make marriage building impossible. But do not allow your hunt for an A to overshadow your efforts to become the best spouse you can to your wife. I"m not saying ignore the EA ?PA. I'm saying do both. If you don't do both at the same time, why would she come back? Come back to what? The same unsatisfying relationship she's been in for years? Why would she?
To me unmet needs are like a pit in your yard. As long as the pit exists, there is danger. You can put up fences and signs, you can keep people from falling in with your constant vigilance - but why not just fill in the pit? You eliminate the danger AND think of all the great things you can do with your yard now.
Have you read up on withdrawal in marital conflict?
States of mind
Withdrawal Interesting how your wife was in the state of conflict where she was actually telling you how she felt and what she wanted a year ago. Now she is done. She likely feels like she's tried and you are a lost cause. She likely feels your marriage is a poor investment. Prove her wrong this time. This time you need to do it right my man.
Good luck. Keep us posted. Devour Harley's site. Get and read all his books. Don't expect to be able to fill this pit over in a few weeks. It took you years to get here. You wife has to see that you are different and your changes are for real - not dependent on her reciprocation. You change for you with no expectations.