When you are feeling down come here and vent. It really helps me and its not destructive to my recovery with my DH, I post what I am feeling and going thru on my thread and some one invariably replies and allows me to see a different perscpective on my thoughts and shows me a different view point.
In my case I am coming to realize there is no escaping from the "feeling down" days. I just keep focusing on the FACT that it is a temporary wave and if I can just ride with out without LBing then I will come out on the other end of the roller coatser Ok.

I myself am guilty of doing similar LB's on several occasions but I am learning to pretend that I am on weight watchers. Just because I binge once does not mean I am off the diet. I try to realize that I have just taken A STEP backwards, it does not throw away all my weight loss so far. And if I can go back to staying on the diet again then I can prevent further Weight gain. Just so you know I get the idea but still sometimes have difficulty implementing it so dont beat yourself up too much for the email.
I was recently dealing with my own ring issues but I will say this in my mind having a ring on does nor prevent a person from straying. Take a poll on this site and see how many were wearing a ring when they were doing their Wayward acts and I would guess it would be a lot.

i took a big step this morning and posted a little on a different thread - - yikes! i'm so not the one to be advising anyone of anything.... but i know someday maybe i will. but, it helped me to remember where i was and where we are today....a much better place - - even though not completely through it yet.

i did apologize to my H this morning and told him that i realized last night that i was getting upset but i 'chose' to let it get me down... like you said, i took a step backwards but it doesn't mean i'm starting completely over. i'm happy i even recognized it....that's something i never saw before...

on the ring issue, i am not saying at all that simply wearing a ring would or could ever prevent an A or anything else.....we are here aren't we?.... my H wore his ring but it didn't stop anything. but actually he did tell me that the OW once raised his hand with his ring on it and said to him 'what about this'..... well guess what, he started taking his ring off after that... so i know completely that it can't stop anything....but i do wholeheartedly think it can be a deterrent for sure! hopefully this time around i become of utmost importance to my H and that he will honor me by wearing that ring and think twice if he's ever tempted again... but i'm gonna work real hard and keep him happy and satisfied with me and our home that no other goddess will put any doubt in his mind.... :-) i have pretty high goals....i'm up for the challenge!

thanks for your insight.

Yep I met you on that thread we seem to be posting the same info to her without having read each others post.

I do think we should change the name of that thread to the "blind leading the blind" LOL. I am afraid to say anything to anyone about their specific stich. Cause I feel I am so early on in my own path I have no idea what is to come ahead and how to resolve it.



2 comments on reading between your words

1) you think you are a goddess ! great job

2) Trust me one day your H will tell you that OW was not a goddess and you will celebrate internally.

LOL that's what i was thinking..... funny about the thread name change..... i certainly feel like i'm the blind trying to lead the blind... :-) you gave her good advice though....and me too.....you gave me good advice too. :-)

just a comment on the goddess thing.....i have never thought i was a goddess, but i have never thought i was that bad looking either... i guess in comparing myself to my sister (sorry sis) who has had a rough life, drugs, smoking, bad marriage from the start, etc.... i have always been thought of as the younger sister....but i'm two years older than her. i've lived a pretty sheltered life, no drinking, drugs, etc. and then i can turn around and compare myself to the actresses on tv and know that i fall short big time... anyway, i read a little bit on the goddess thread and i would never go so far as to call my self one (yet).... i can always find something wrong with myself.... ug... BUT, i am learning the importance of taking care of myself for sure and thinking positive about me.

i filled out my EN questionnaire this morning. although i don't know what my H's needs will be for sure at this point, i do think an attractive spouse is going to be one of them..... which is not a bad thing. i think that will for sure be the motivator to make sure i keep the exercise in the ole' schedule...... too bad i can't just do it now huh.... i'm just so exhausted though and it's been sporadic. why can't i remember that exercise can help boost my energy.... lol

looking forward to that day my H can tell me he adores me and thinks i look great! but i think i'll love it even more (at least once) the day he tells me the OW was NOT a goddess nor would she have truly made him happy.... i have high hopes huh... lol

2b I am writing to you in hopes that I can help you as much as you have helped me on my own post.

First the NC letter. I would think that it would only fan the flames of a fire that should be just ashes. Let it go, the only NC letter that should be written is from your DH, when he ready, that is an apology to you, changing the focus from her, to you. "I love you and want to make this work, I was foolish and should have realized that God made our marriage and the God will help me heal myself and us as a team" Something like that (I add this section because I would be very suprised if your dh wasnt lurking on your posts)

The wedding ring... He now wears his 2nd wedding ring. The first disappeared, I dont know what happened to it, I asked and was never happy with the answer. Ring number two which I dont count was one that he bought so that I wouldnt know that the first was gone. I did, but didnt say anything at first, when I outed him, that ring disappeared. Wedding ring number two was one that I bought for him, like the first ring with his approval. In the middle of Walmart I told him that it bothered me that he wore no ring. I wanted him to know that I loved him and wanted to have him wear a symbol of that love. We didnt have much money but I spent $50 to show him that I did want the marriage to continue. He may see that old ring as a reminder of what he forgot, that he should have stayed faithful and honor God by keeping his marriage intact but instead forgot it even as he wore it.

I dont wear my old ring anymore either. I wear a different ring on my left hand, one that to me isnt a symbol of a broken promise, but one that I bought for myself that symbolizes thst I am working on going forward for me and my family, not trying to resurect a marriage that failed, but working on a new relationship with an old friend.

As far as your hurt daughter, she has the right to be unhappy. I dont know if you have talked with her very much about this but I think she might be mad at you also for not throwing dad out. She is angry and she sees you also as somebody to be angry at. She wants somebody to take her side, and even you are not taking her side and you are just as betrayed as she is. It will take work and she is still pretty young if you are in your 40's and lacking in life experience. I would tell her that you love her, you love your husband, and you want both to know it and that you are here for her even if she is mad.

I dont know if any of this helps any. Prayers for you.

hey there Hurt,

i am surprised but relieved to hear that i am helping you when i was posting to you on your thread. i was feeling so badly for you. reading your post(s) brought back to my mind the very dark days i have had. i still have them but they are not anything like what they were. my husband still has low days but they are getting fewer.

i told my H that i am not educated enough yet to be able to advise anyone on this. he reminded me that while i may not be educated yet, i have first hand experience on the topic. so, i'm glad to know that i helped you and that someday i will be able to help others as well...

i liked your comment on the NC letter..... 'it would only fan the flames of a fire that should be just ashes.' i am happy she is gone and i think to send the letter at this point could possibly make her do something to spite us all...

i look forward to someday hearing those three little words again....'i love you'... i know they're still in his vocabulary, they just don't have my name to them yet...

with the help of jennifer, we are getting our extraordinary precautions in place. i wasn't really seeing the need for these precautions for myself - - but my H said they might be more important now for me than ever before.... hmmm, is he really afraid of losing me?.... why doesn't he show it?.... guess that will come when he's out of this fog.

the ring bothered me this morning when he didn't wear it and actually when we went to dinner, he still didn't put it on. i didn't say anything this time. i had even told him in an email that i appreciated him wearing it because he knows it was important to me..... did he change his mind?.... but, i'm not gonna complain about every little thing.... he's home and i'm thankful for that.

i am waiting for him to give me another ring i guess..... when he does that, it will further show his commitment to me because he actually has to buy one!! i have always been proud to wear my ring and let people knows 'i'm taken buddy'... i don't like walking around without my ring though.....to me it looks like i'm single or a divorced woman... i guess it doesn't really matter what other people think right.... he can use my other ring as a trade in.... i would never give it to either of my daughters after what's happened!!! they deserve something that doesn't have a bad memory attached to it...

my H used to tell me that he would probably divorce me and then we could get married again and 'start over'.. i told him i didn't want to 'start over!' whether we remained married or divorced and then remarried, 'this' was still part of our history whether we liked it or not!! so let's pick up the pieces and commit to moving forward - with each other and getting the help we need to do so.

i guess i have to agree maybe a little with the fact that my daughter is probably unhappy with me too... but, she has to respect what my choices are too. and the bible says 'honor your father and mother' which she is not doing..... that doesn't mean she has to condone one iota with what happened....i don't condone it either!

i am driving her back to college tomorrow by myself (unfortunately). it will be a very long day for me cause i'm gonna make the trip in one day.....ug. a good 10 hours on the road (total). i'm going by myself and hope our time together will afford us some good time to talk. i won't like driving home by myself but that will be some good reflective time, prayer time and certainly quiet time as not many stations tune in on the radio. i'll take some cd's.

i will continue to check on you on your thread. we all need all the support we can get. how else do we think this site has become so valuable to a lot of people.... :-)

well, it's very late and i need to get to bed....i have to get up very early... have a good day tomorrow. i will be praying for you too...

thanks for your insight.

hey everyone....

i've been doing my homework today...got a lot done, but haven't been able to read in the book yet....guess that might be the least important if anything has to take a back seat for now.

i'm a little worried about my H though. i was sitting at the table in the backyard tonight working on my stuff and he came out there with his notebook, notes, EN questionnaire and the book to read. his comment was 'i'll at least get my name on this questionnaire tonight.' i see him slipping further into withdrawal or depression....i'm not sure which it is.

the kids went for ice cream so i took the opportunity to step over to him and just hug him and hold him while he was sitting at the table. i massaged his shoulders, neck and head and caressed his face a little bit... he shed a few tears. i told him i was worried about him because things are moving forward and he might not be ready yet for them to....that i know it's forcing him to let go of OW more.... i feel bad for him that he has to go through this, but unfortunately there is no other way.

tomorrow he will probably be home by himself (which makes me a tiny bit nervous) but he'll have peace and quiet to work on his homework. i told him again i was with him all the way. i put my arms around him and told him he was gonna make it....that he would be fine....

just worried about going through this next phase of counseling, a depressed husband, the kids going back to school - - and the daughter he is closest to will be leaving for college (in another state) on the 21st....we will make yet another long trip to take her. i'm not looking forward to that trip at all.....gonna be another very sad day...

i guess i'm just keeping you all posted on how we're doing. i'm feeling all the more i have to keep myself in a good frame of mind so i can help carry my H through this hard time.... i hope the fog or depression or withdrawal doesn't hang on too long.... (but just get over it already - - - sorry if that sounds uncaring.....but he didn't care about me when he decided to put us in this position in the first place!!)

good night to all... gotta get some sleep.

Good morning....

well, i'm back from taking our daughter back to college. i didn't get home till midnight last night.....looooong day! up at about 6:30 this morning and i'm beat!!

we have counseling with Jennifer today and i didn't quite get everything done.... ug..

i must say i went yesterday knowing in my heart and mind that it was probably not a good day to leave my H by himself........or maybe it was, i don't know. i could tell on saturday evening that he was falling back into his depressed state.....or maybe it's the withdrawal getting more intense again.....i don't know, it's confusing really to know what is going on with him.

i was shopping with my daughter yesterday getting her munchies for her room and other odds and ends of things when i received a text from my H which said this:

'this EN questionnaire stuff sucks.....it is very difficult.....i am getting through it very slowly.....all i want to do is sleep......sorry, needed to get that out..... and then he asked what we were doing....

i told him i was sorry he wasn't in the frame of mind to do this. i also told him that jennifer told me to let her be the one to help him......not me. i told him if he didn't get it done.....he didn't get it done. i also told him to post to you guys (tst - he told me you are the main one that is posting to him now...... i thank you for that.).

he then sent another text that said this: it's just sorting through the emotions and thoughts and really knowing the difference.....trying to figure out what will truly make me happy....

boy did that cut my heart..... he still doesn't think i can make him happy... ug! he also later admitted that he was probably in withdrawal. i agreed with him!

this is so hard!!! it's so hard to continue on and on and on each day only to continue to be rejected by my H - - who used to love me.... i feel so defeated!!

i had to keep telling myself it's just the fog he's in..... some day he'll be through it.... WHEN????

he's pulled way back from me and seems very distant at times.....and then at other times he'll talk to me.... it sure is hard to flip flop with him and keep up with his moods.... he sure is testing my LB's that's for sure.....

i told him i didn't know why i have had such compassion for him especially after what he's done and continues to do......and that i should really be kicking his butt instead!!! i just feel like shaking him sometimes!!! but i know......what would that accomplish - -just more distance i'm sure....

when i got home last night i gave him a kiss and a hug of which he held the hug for just a split second longer than usual..i did too.....i wanted him to know i truly care about him and feel bad for the fog mess he's in........ i took my shower and got ready for bed, asked him if he was going to stay up later (he was reading)... he said he'd be in there soon... i said ok and went to bed. he came about a half hour later. i tried not to act overly concerned with my H when i got home, but i did let him know that i missed him. it's just so hard to 'want' to show him love when he keeps telling me in so many words that he doesn't love me, i don't/can't make him happy...etc. i'm tired of losing to OW!!! even if it is just thoughts in his head.... sometimes i wish she would die......but then i ask for forgiveness for such a horrible thought! it's just the only way i know that she would NEVER be in our lives ever again.....

it also makes me hate the OW more!! she is crap! look what she's done to my H....our marriage........our family!!! she's destroyed him.....and better yet, HE IS ALLOWING HER TO CONTINUE TO!!! i can't wait for him to take those rose colored glasses off that he sees her through!!! will he ever though, really?.....

i am feeling agitated this morning over this... i have much work to get done both for my job and for our appt tonight with jennifer so i need to focus on something else for a while....

i will keep my eyes on God who has a plan for our lives....

will check back later.. thanks for hearing me vent!....


hoping for better days.

2b1,

Sorry I haven't posted here for awhile...been dealing with some of my own garbage with F-WH (F- because he isn't doing the greatest job right now).

The anger you feel for OW is something that I went through about where you are at. My hatred was tangible. I thought of LOTS of horrible things that I wanted to do to her. But I realized that by spending my energy hating her, she was winning...she didn't know the agony I was going through...it didn't hurt HER, just ME.

I can't remember, what did Jennifer say about the NC Letter? I would go with her on that one. I know it was important for me to have an NC letter even though I went through the same train of thought as you are...NC is already established...what dragon am I waking...but it turned out to be very important for me to know that H was willing to have me send it. That is was admitted, not only to me, but to OW. I won't ever know what happened when she got the letter, but I know that I could close that chapter knowing that WE told her it was over and that he was committed to our recovery.

Don't despair too much over your Hs challenges with the ENQ. I think it is hard for some people to classify their emotional needs. I have encouraged my H to forget the "names" for the needs and just write sentences starting with "I love it when." That way he isn't so freaked out about the organization.

As a woman, I find writing and lists to be soothing. It helps me to get my thoughts in order when they aren't. I don't know if your H (or mine) work that way. It may actually be very foreign for them. Add to it that the work is IMPORTANT and the pressure that they feel to do it must make it hard.

I relate so well to the extra few seconds on a hug. Aren't those the BEST? I try to hold onto that feeling throughout the day.

HTM

hi HTM,
i'm glad to know that all the 'feelings' i have are not out of line i guess....wish i didn't have them at all though....i'm sure the same for you too... oh how i wish i could turn back the clock!

jennifer said it's ok not to actually send the NC letter at this point because of, like you said, awakening the dragon. BUT, if any contact were ever made that i'm to send it then. jennifer is on my H about getting the extraordinary precautions in place. there are two left (his work stuff). i'm not going to pressure him....i feel like i'm nagging if i ask him if he took care of the stuff yet.....i certainly don't want to LB if i can help it at all.... it's hard though and i know i am still slipping.

this week for our homework i have to identify what i think my LB's are and come up with a plan to stop them.... that will be hard...not because i don't want to stop them, but just figuring out what to do in the first place. and, she said it can't just be that we've decided in our minds not to do it any more... i guess i'm gonna get skilled at this (as jennifer put it).... :-) i'm actually looking forward to not LB'ing....it's not very becoming on me i'm sure... i want to be the pleasantness for my H....not the repulse or resentment he feels towards me... gotta get that changed for sure!

jennifer helped us both see what the REAL goal is in this mess....it's not that the 'other' person would fall in love with each of us.....but that my goal is that 'I' would fall in love with him and his goal is that 'he' would fall in love with me. we can only change our own behavior....

i so relate with even the extra split second of that hug to linger.... i am so starved for affection.. he's still stand offish with me... he'll hug me, but when he thinks it's enough or if he can sense i am settling in a little too long, he drops his arms and lets go.... so rejecting for me... very discouraging!! i keep thinking, 'is he ever going to be able change how he feels about me'.... i can't worry about that i guess. i just have to keep plugging along and do what jennifer tells me to do and trust her to take care of my H in getting him on the right track.

i just can sense my husband pulling way back from me now....and i don't understand why. is it cause he's being forced to trudge along as well and he doesn't want to give up all his little feelings and fantasies about the OW.

i have noticed that he is still reading surviving and affair instead of falling in love, staying in love.... the surviving book was depressing for me....to have to read about the soulmate affair (which by the way, my husband told me that he found his soulmate...and that was the OW. (he said this months ago, not recently....but sometimes i think that's what he's still thinking) ug! i just wish it would rain so the fog could be washed away...

he told me this weekend after being so down and having a hard time with the ENQ, that he's where he is today because of my strength and commitment to him... well, if that's the case, then why does he still want to hang on to the crap???!!! (prior) he has said that if we didn't stay together that i would end up being happy with someone else but he would be lonely the rest of his life... well, we wouldn't divorce because it's what i want...it would be his choice. why would someone choose that??? i really want to ask him that, but boy that would be a huge love buster wouldn't it... i'm not going there (again).

our evening last night was not particularly good (great counseling session though). i was quite emotional and he ended up withdrawing from me even more.. ug. this morning when i woke him up he remained sleeping on his side...he usually will turn to his stomach and then i will give him a little body massage to help him wake up. well, this morning not a budge at all! i'm trying to convince myself that he was just exhausted but my gut tells me he's still angry and resenting me. i don't know. my mind certainly gets the best of me sometimes.

i sent him a text to tune to a particular radio station so he could hear a song that was playing...... no response. i sent him an email earlier this morning just saying good morning and i hoped he had a good day and to tell him i was thinking about him.... no response. i'm hoping he's just been in a meeting or really busy today at work and that's why he isn't responding at all.... really though, it's so childish if he's really not busy and that's his way of 'getting back at me'....

i keep telling myself to hang on, but it's so hard to take this crap!! if a better marriage is what we both want, then why can't he receive my 'acts of love' for what they are instead of continuing to build up his wall again.... it was coming down but seems to be going back up. i don't know. i'm thinking he's just not liking the letting go...i know i said that already...

he asked me if i was still for the MB program in helping us. i turned it around and asked him if he was... he said, 'well, there doesn't seem to be another one out there'... to me that didn't say he was committed to keeping us together...like he is settling for me.....stuck so to speak. so when i asked him if he was just settling...he got upset and said, 'so my answer isn't good enough'.... i asked him if that was his mind set...that he's not good enough?..... i said if it was, then that means I would never be good enough for him...

brother, my post is giganticly long and it turned into more venting....sorry HTM.... i better get some work done so i can go home...

ok everyone......i PROMISE....not a long post this time.... lol


this morning my husband emailed and asked me to call him...so i did... well, come to find out, he actually had the thought of calling OW.... UG UG UG not sure if it stems from our bad evening last night or what...... but it sent fear and much insecurity all through me yet again..... so how do i handle this with him.... i was pretty calm on the phone but my insides were just screaming!! i'm not sure how much help i was to him....but one of the things i asked him was what evening before next monday did he want to spend going over our top 5 EN. he said he was actually feeling like we need to get out of town.... ok, so i called our new favorite hotel and we are going to go for a few days. :-)

BUT, i LB'd this afternoon in an email - -- ug, why do i do this.... i told him i was feeling like he really wanted to go away so he could gamble and not really to spend time with me. (i'm sure this stems from my insecurity still).??? anyway, he helped me through my DJ that came through to him...although i didn't see it at first (when i sent it), when i re-read it as if i were him.....i saw it!!

i told him i was sorry and that i would just be happy that he wants to go anywhere with me at this point..... i thanked him for helping me see what i'm doing. he wants to discuss this more this evening. i think i'm a little more 'together' with my emotions right now but i think i should go take some primrose oil....it's that time of the month and i'm sure that's what's causing the emotions to flow a little more at this point. and since i know this happens, i need to be more regular in taking that primrose oil for sure. it helps keep me at a more even keel.

i am happy my H asked me to call him....but it was very difficult to know that it was because he was thinking of calling OW and he was trying to occupy his mind.....and more importantly, do the right thing and spare us more h*ll than we've already been in. the evil one is sure working overtime in both of us!!!

well, i promised a short post so i'll stop for now. i need to start dinner anyway. i know i keep thanking everyone, but truly again, thank you for being willing to help both my H and me through this....it makes it a little easier....

Count yourself lucky that he was being upfront and truthful. I know it is hard to hear that he wanted to call the OW, but he is sharing that with you instead of DOING IT.

He knows that he can post here also for help when he gets weak, right?

I saw (see) my husband thru a tough withdrawl peiord and I will say this just beacause my H did not tell me that he had the urge to call OW does not mean I did not think that he wanted to call all the time/ serveral times. He is addicted to her and he will want his drug so let him express to you that he wants it. May be its his own safetly net, meaning if you are aware that he might do it there is a less chance for him that he will do it because you are watching with wider eyes open.
As far as how you are going to deal with it thats a tough one because it is so recent and now you are expected to help him when you can barely stand upright from your own stuff. But thats where you will see your own strenght. You can do this and you will.
You can restore in his eys ( and your own)that you can be patient and understanding inspite of your pain. Can you hear the tigress within you roaring (ROAR!!!!)

thanks believer ~

after my H told me about wanting to call OW, when i got off the phone i called my best friend to talk it through with her....i told her and we both agreed (as you put it too) that it is a blessing for sure that he actually called me AND felt safe enough to tell me the truth. naturally i was surprised when he first told me but am glad he felt he could be that truthful..... and as i said, i may have been calm to him on the phone but my heart was jolted with insecurity again.... hey, maybe i'm finally learning to control my LB....

as i had put in my post that you responded to, i LB'd in an email this afternoon a little bit. BUT, he wants to talk about it some more tonight....i agreed i was up to it. AND, before he left for the gym, he came to give me a hug...usually it's just a quick kiss and off he goes, but i actually got a hug and he held me what seems like eternity these days cause i don't usually get one that's long than just a squeeze and it's over.... i held him tight for as long as he would let me... :-)

yes, my H knows he can post here. i encouraged him to post this morning and let people help him through this as well. he said he finally was able to post this afternoon. i know tst seems to be helping him a lot. i feel like this site is becoming our family.....we post such personal things on here and let complete strangers into our lives......but all for help.

thanks again.. i DO feel lucky!

hi wannamoveforward,

i am encouraged to hear you say you did and continue to help your husband through the tough withdrawal period. it helps makes the work, hassle and effort worth it.

i was talking with my friend the other day about addictions... and she said, 'think about it, what addiction is good?' well, not really any addiction is good. unless it's to your husband... that's real good. but i have to be careful not to smother him. hopefully he'll be able to tell me if i'm doing that as well. i plan to be addicted to my husband until the day i die! i sure do have a lot to make up for....

i continue to be strong and ask God for strength to get through each day. i pray for mike too....for clarity of mind and heart, for courage and protection. today, my friend sent me a devotion.....the verse talked about being still and knowing who God is.....my Bible study last week was on being still and listening to God.....and church the week prior was on being quiet and listening for God to speak... hmmm, is God telling me to be patient and wait for him to move in my husband.... i think so. :-) i know He will...and i will let Him.

at this point there's only a few triggers i have, but last night's was the worst probably in a while....yes, i heard that roar and it was coming out!! yikes! i'll learn to control them. i'm sure the more secure my husband makes ME feel, then the less i will trigger..... i hope this fog lifts soon and the withdrawal is short.... anything is short compared to what we've been through the last year though!...

i'm looking forward to much better days ahead... :-)

When my WH had no contact with the OW (for a whole 24 hours), he came to me and asked me to support him in his withdrawal. I told him that he got himself into this mess, and he could get himself out of it.

We are now divorced.

hey believer ~
i'm sorry about your situation..... i don't even know what to say really... if i were in that situation i don't think i would want to hear someone say 'you'll be happy again someday'.... i don't know. at this point i can't imagine or even entertain being with someone else. and, believer, i am in no way pouncing on you. like i said i don't know your situation.....i'm just feeling sad for you cause i can't imagine not being with my H....and yet, if that's what you wanted, then that's ok too.....

different ones have commented that i am stronger than any woman they know to continue on with all this. others have said i should leave him. but a lot have said do what i think is right and in my heart..... well, my H is in my heart and HE's the one i want. so, as long as he's willing to have me then i'm gonna work my butt off to keep him happy.....and i'm willing to help him through this ugly withdrawal period (but i'm not saying it's easy by any means). i just hope he gets to the point that he will work his butt off for me... well, actually he has said that he will but he hasn't started yet. so, i guess i'm waiting for him to start.... :-)

if i could just get this not LB'ing down. jennifer is so insightful and i know she will help us both.....even on the difficult stuff, she will give us the tools to get through it.

well, it's already late and my H is in the backyard reading so i think i'll go join him....

i don't know your current situation but i really do hope you are happy. thanks for opening my eyes... i will continue with caring for my H and hope the fog washes from his eyes/brain.....that's it, that it washes away period....not sooner or later...just away... it could take a while but i know when it finally happens that all the time it has taken to get to that point will seem but a moment in time as we reach marital bliss again..... can't wait.

i am looking forward to taking care of my H full time and him allowing me to and him receiving it with open arms.... and open heart for that matter.

The month of May and June was tough to watch my DH suffer and to try to be understanding of his pain. I keep reminding myself that I need him to heal alongside of me beacuse when I am healed as a person (and you betcha I will heal from this) I dont want to leave him far beind. I want a "Whole" partner in him so everytime I feel like negating his pain because of the enormity of mine I pretend I am in school and its his turn ( my turn later). I look at it as something I am doing for myself because in the end I am helping myself by helping him and when he is whole and fog free we can begin to enjoy relationship Bliss.

There were times at the peak of my H's withdrawl I was thinking this is BS and completely unfair to me to have to bear the pain of him and there were may times I thought it was hopeless and wanted to give up. I went down the comparison route and figured "she" is so much better than me (in his eys and mine) and I will never meet up to the loss of his fantasy no matter what I do. Slowly but surely I had to clear up MY OWN FOG that it was not true. OW is not necessariy better than the BS its just that OW offers something that the WH was missing. So if that same offer can come from me the eventually he will start to see that I can offer him that along with all what he already sees in me. So I focused on Plan A until it hurt so much that I had to cry myself to sleep. But I am a firm beliver now in plan A . Keep working on how you can meet his needs and let him figure out his own route of the fog. You cant fix that nor hurry it up for him , no more than he can hurry up your recovery.
It was very hard for me to hang in there at the peak of his withdrawl, but I hung in there ( barley with just my nails digging in) and now I feel like the symptoms are much less for him. So hoping you start to see the peak go downhill soon


In the meantime what have you done today to make yourself happy so you are not waiting for your happiness to come only from him ?

Me first : I am painting my bedroom a nice soothing green. 2 days at it and now I can start to see it transforming. 2 walls done 2 to go.

i was hoping we were through the worst of it, but maybe we're not... withdrawal is such an ugly thing and i hope my H will choose to continue to resist any temptation he gets to contact OW. it would be DEVASTATING to relive all this again.....and frankly, i think everyone would disown me if i chose to continue to stay with him any longer if he did... i would certainly get that letter sent though! and i might give OW a piece of my mind at that point. but, i'm choosing to continue to help my H through this mess and hopefully he'll like the changes in me and will help him forget all about OW. i'm not sure he'll ever really forget completely....i probably won't either, but she certainly does not belong in front of me in his heart and mind....and i hope he learns from others posting to him that it's really not worth it.....that's SHE is really not worth it...

i too think this is crap and that he's the one that made the choice but i am the one still having to put up with all the crap just cause he's stuck in fog mode!!! it's really saddening, and to think that if i can't get it right then he's gonna walk out anyway.... i told him this morning that i am working on not being so negative..... i caught myself last night actually being positive....and i liked it. and better yet, he did too.

interesting you mention your own fog....i've never thought of myself as being in a fog but i guess i probably am too......i suffer from so much negative thinking about myself from all this....i am certainly not good enough for him, not sexy enough, not thin enough, not attractive enough....and the list goes on.... i have to start thinking positive about myself too.

and i understand when you say i can't fix or hurry his recovery up any more than he can hurry up my recovery. i guess i feel like it's a choice though and he continues to wallow in it cause he knows if he starts letting me in again that he's really letting go of whatever feeling he had with her.... notice i said 'with' her....not 'for' her.... i now understand it wasn't really 'her', but that because of the state our marriage was in (whether i realized it or not) is what he really craves....that is comforting to realize but it doesn't help the feelings of failure i have.

there have been times already that i feel i'm hanging on just with my nails, so i'm a little scared for how much worse he could get and how i will truly react. i'm just hoping that our sessions with jennifer will help him and click one of these days and begin to see him snap out it all..... this is one time i'm hoping to start going downhill - - which translates to moving forward again.... :-)

as far as what i'm doing for myself..... i'm not really doing anything at this point. :-( about the only thing i do is get my hair done once in a while....and it needs it now.....

i do need to be better about doing things for me. i did just think of one other thing i do for myself....i have started getting together with another gal on thursday evenings.. i felt guilty at first, especially since my H and i had always done everything together whenever 'going out' was to be done.... but, i enjoy my time with my friend and it gives me a break from these four walls here at home.

i'll have to think about what i can be doing for me. this is where my time management comes into play though.... i work part time in the office (mornings), work at home in the afternoons (although my boss has been gone for three weeks which has been nice), keeping the house picked up (and that's all it is except for my work area...just picked up (ug), taking care of the family, and getting my homework done for our coaching sessions....and oh yeah.....there's posting on this website... lol which i think is very beneficial. and that's just the tip of the iceberg of things i have to get done....

i did something nice for my H today but he doesn't know it yet. i meant to do it a couple weeks ago but didn't so i hope he doesn't think i did it because it was mentioned...... oh well, even if he does, it's the thought that counts right?....

Good for you on painting your room. :-) sounds like fun, especially if you had a friend over. but i would be happy painting to my music too..... we are renting so we're kind of stuck with what we have i guess... i need to concentrate on getting what i have in order....i still have a few boxes sitting around from when i moved in april.....

well, my time is about gone for today and i want to get my desk cleaned off.... it really bugs me that i can't keep it cleaned off.....or should i say, that i don't keep it cleaned off...it can't be that hard....

i fail yet again at writing a short post... lol my H saw my window last night that i was posting and he said, you're posting that much to just a couple sentences that was posted to you.... i laughed and told him i don't get my 50,000 words in a day... lol

so, until next time........have a good day....

well, i have typed two posts but deleted them both... i am feeling low today....

i am sick of the OW!!!! the A haunts my H, thus our marriage is stuck!... guess we're getting to the peak of withdrawal...or moving into it more... i am feeling so threatened by my H not allowing himself to go through the grieving of letting it all go! and yet i have to be the best wife i can be and help him through it as best i can (which i am willing to do), but knowingly it could all be for naught.... ug. so sad i'm feeling right now....

i'm keeping busy with my work.... i'll be lucky if i don't lose my job. i have a project due by the 15th and it's in a mess right now....and i don't want to put the energy into it to get it straightened out!... ug.... i hate my job anymore....

i just want to go to sleep and forget about everything....that's what my H does.... i must keep going though!! i am remembering what you guys have posted to me that it will be difficult at times but to keep trudging ahead.... oh how i need it to be over.... Lord, my cup is full!!!