Fran, she is lying to you. It makes no sense to believe she had an emotional affair with a man with whom she has had a sexual relationship. The problem here is that your marriage won't recover until a) she ends all contact for life with him and b) she tells you the full truth. You can't recover if she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy.
Her story that they had no sex is ridiculous and you should tell her so. It doesn't even ring true. But if she insists, I would give her an opportunity to prove you wrong by paying for a polygraph test.
You have a right to every detail about her affair, since this this is information about your life. She has no right to withhold a single detail from you.
She is playing a dangerous game that will ruin her marriage by withholding the truth. She is much better off getting it all out in one fell swoop so your marriage can recover from ONE BLOW, rather than dragging it out a drib and a drab at a time. Your marriage will die a death of a thousand cuts that way. Every time you discover some new tidbit, and you will drag it all out eventually, you both go back to DAY 1 of recovery. You trust her less and less each time that happens and she has to relive the he11 every time. It is really stupid to play it like that.
So tell her if she wants to save your marriage, she is going about this the wrong way. Her dishonesty is bound to ruin a second marriage.
I would print up these articles and give them to her:
Requirements for RecoveryThe plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
