Luna,


Many times throughout this, I have felt like a circus clown! ha!

Seriously, though, thanks. I do feel like it's the right thing to do for me and my family. So, that's what I have to do. I can do nothing less and be happy with myself.

Well, we had quite the day yesterday. Ladybugs had her school checkup. I emailed Drac with the 'facts', and included how she's growing up and with her new height measurement, she was looking forward to riding new rollercoasters at the amuzement park.

He emailed back, but I did not read until today -
"She has been talking about Florida. She wants to ride all of the rollercoasters. How did she handle the shots?

Speaking of growing up, how are you handling her in the sub-division when it comes to visiting fireds. Do you let her walk over by herself?"

I haven't replied yet. We did 2 Florida trips together as a family. The last one was just 3 months before I found out about the HO. Ladybugs has been wanting to go back there ever since.

So, on with our day. We then went to breakfast and then to the amusement/water partk. We were at there ALL day from OPEN to CLOSE!! Drac called while we were on a ride and left a vm for the kids that he'd be on a plane at the 'usual' time. Said he'd call in the morning.

He in fact called as we were leaving the park, but again we missed the call. They called back when we got to the car. They both were wired and went on about what a GREAT day we had had. He let them know he is in Texas, , going to some concert (don't know who it is), and that he has backstage passes? Whatever.

He made a point of telling DSS he'd call him on DSS's phone. That is a some kind of big thing these days,,,that he insists on calling them on DSS's phone and not mine. I don't get that at all.

Anyway, we had a GREAT day. It was one of those that at the end of the day, the kids both went on about it being the GREATEST EVER - thanks Mom!! It was great, but boy am I sore. There wasn't a single ride that I didn't do atleast once with them! OUCH!!

I also saw this morning that Drac sent am email yesterday at 5:30 - he must have been on his way to the airport. It says
"Contact me on my personal phone this weekend. I am turning off my Blackberry. ###-###-####"

I always have the kids call all of the possible numbers when trying to reach him, so that email wasn't necessary - except if I were to send him an email. I hadn't planned on it as I think it would be taken as 'chasing' him

I think it's important for me to keep quiet about this weekend in terms of making sure not to ask any questions about where/when/who/what his trip was about. I have a feeling this was probably a pre-planned Ho trip. IF it's still HoNoMo, who knows who he took with him. Or, it could be a guys forget the ho trip? Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me, so I am staying dark and quiet on the matter.

The question about handling Ladybugs is interesting - - but it is very much putting me in the 'mother' only role which isn't necessarily where I want him to see me right now. I don't think it is really bad, as it is keeping the communication going - - but it's not necessarily good for building towards a personal/intimate realtionship. Yet,,,it's a start.

So, we are home for the rest of the weekend. I need to go vacum the pool for swimming later. I know I'm planning to spend most of the rest of the weekend floating in the Goddess chair!

Hope all is well with everyone.

Hi Bugs,


I agree, Bugs... it will help you to protect that 'little heart of yours' and stay focused on Bugs (...and because you can't WONDER about anything, if you don't KNOW anything!)

Yeah, Bugs, that's what we all have an issue with as a BS, WS trying to LIMIT and put us in the mother' box only, yeak!...

...when we are soooo much more than that!

Hi Bugs,

How's the pool today. I'm going on day 5 of no sunshine with three days left before work.

So soak up some rays for me, please.

Have a blast with the kids and remember how much we love you and are there with you.

Evening!

Queenie - I did soak up some rays this afternoon. We really just took it easy most of the day.

I did take the kids up to my parents to visit with them. They hadn't seen Dad since his hospital visit and were wanting to see him. He's doing well. A bit peaked today, but ok overall.

We took them to a local hometown parade not far from my parents house. They cleaned up with tons of candy. We had some local fish from the fish fry and went home. The kids wanted to stay and help with chores, so we did. Saw my brother who comes up nightly now to help with the harder chores. It was a nice evening.

On the way back from the parade, kids told me that the cat that I'd given Drac,,,,,,which was not allowed to move into HoHouse, was given to Drac's mom. Well seems her husband (AffairHusband) doesn't like cats, so she gave it to a shelter and he's long gone. I commented to DSS, "Well, now that what's her face is gone, couldn't you have brought him home?". DSS said that ExMIL did not tell them in time and the cat was already gone. UGH! I hate it for the kids because they really loved that cat

Then, out of the blue, Ladybugs asks, "Mommy, do you have a boy friend?" I almost choked!

Instead, I said, "Well, I don't know that it is any of your business right now. Why do you ask?"

She said she just wanted to know. I told her it wasn't something I was going to discuss with her right now and the subject dropped.

This has consistenly been my answer. I considered telling her that no, I don't have one so that word will get back to Drac, but I'm not ready to go there. I don't want them in the middle in any way and I don't know that he needs to know this just yet.

I have NO idea why she asked that.

Mom had an interesting observation tonight when I told her about Drac's trip and we were discussing his 'new' personal cell phone and the fact that he turned OFF his other (work) phone. He has NEVER turned off that phone and never had the 'need' for a personal phone before.

She commented that perhaps the HO is hassling him via phone/email on the other phone?? I hadn't thought about that, but it could be true. Wouldn't that just be too special? And, as wayward relationships go, it wouldn't be surprising. The continued attempts at the 'drama'.

Thank goodness I'm not in the MIDDLE of it.

I told Mom & Dad about Ladybugs asking me about a BF. Mom asked, "Well, why DON'T you have one?". I replied, "Well, I didn't say that I DID and I didn't say that I DIDN'T"

Dad said, "in other words, it's none of your business either."

He turned to me and said, "Just pick a good on this time".

I said something to the effect of there not being any good ones to which he replied that there are, I just picked bad ones before.

OUCH. That hurts. I'm not even going to comment on what potential recovery hurdles there will be with the family should we ever get the chance,,,,,,,,,,,,,that's a bridge I'll cross IF we ever get there.

My guess is that there's concern about the FOOTBALL PLAYER GUY...and I like it that you were ELUSIVE with LADY...he needs to think that you MAY have a BF...Don't you think he likes being the CAT? You know, the PURSUER?

Mimi,


Yes, I think he does enjoy being the Cat. As we have touched on a bit, one of the keys to possibly moving to a new relationship with him will be balancing letting him know that I am 'available' and open to the pursuit AND at the same time allowing him to be the Cat.

He needs to view me as a Single Woman (not just Mom to the kids)! He also needs to know that I would be open to HIS pursuit.

So, I wll be giving thought on how to go about that juggling act in the coming days/weeks.

For today, getting ready for church. Then kids & I spending the rest of the day getting back to a regular schedule for the coming week. House cleaning and laundry today.

Ladybug starts school on the 13th and DSS starts the following week. I have gotten them both a few things for the start of school, but we will be doing a back to school shopping trip our next weekend together.

Also doing a pool party with some of Drac's family that weekend. It should be interesting to see how he reacts to that event. During HappyHoHouse time, I am sure it would be viewed very negatively. We'll see how it goes now. I'm not taking any particular action or refraining from any particular action in regards to how he may or may not react. I'm carrying on with what I want to do. Yet, as Steve said, I'll be keeping a close eye on things in his camp for signs (negative or positive). As that will give me clues as to where he stands right now.

(((Bugs)))

Hang in there Bugs. You are doing so well.

Morning!

I am back at work, but just had to pop in real quick to report on the first 'face to face' exchange I've had with Drac since starting Plan B last year.

He was to pick up the kids at 7:15 this morning. I was up plenty early and dressed in Goddess work outfit - strappy top, shorter skirt, and high heels. Nice, but still definately work clothes so as not to be over the top. I had Ladybugs ready to go and DSS was gathering the last of his things at about 7:05. Ladybug had gotten her bike out of the garage to ride along while I walked the dog. I was thinking that I'd be headed back into the house after our walk at about the time he'd get there.

Well, that isn't the way it worked out.

I was just walking out of the front door with the dog, and there he was pulling into the drive. 10 minutes EARLY. He's NEVER early.

Ladybugs was on her bike at the end of the drive. She ran up to him as I was walking out of the house (with Diva shades on). Without really looking at him, I gave Ladybugs the dog leash and told her I'd go in and get DSS.

I went in, got DSS to hustle it up. We had our hugs inside the house. I went back out and got the dog from Ladybug while Drac took DSS's suitcase around the back of the car. I had hugs and kisses with her, and then walked around the other side of the car with the dog. He was on the phone while finishing putting the suitcase in the car. I glanced at him as I walked on by with the dog and I headed down the street (opposite direction from where they would be driving). I didn't look back.

I wanted to,,,,,,,,,,,but I didn't.

So, this was the first face to face exchange we've had. Well, I guess I should say the first VOLUNTARY face to face (there's been Ladybug's ballgames that we've seen each other).

I think it was good that it worked out this way, as it WAS totally by accident that I was coming out of the house when he pulled in - and as he was early, it was obviously not planned on my part. I 'think' it would have appeared that I was merely handling the situation for what it was - not hiding but not coming on all friendly either.

Whew - it feels better just to have told you all about it. NOW I can get settled into work. I have over 200 emails waiting!! YIKES!!

Have a great week everyone!

Hi Bugs,


Good!

I think you handled things pretty well... the exchange you described is actually pretty much the kind of thing that goes on when WW comes to pick up DS..

Yes.. she's there, but she's not the focus of my attention, if I give her any attention at all.

I'm not sure what kind of message it's sending her as there was never a PBL.. but regardless of how she takes it.. I'm getting on with me, and staying focused on my kids.

They've got to know on some level just how terribly they've hurt us.. and the understanding of our need to distance ourselves and not be 'open' to that happening again..

I just wonder what the appropriate type of opening in that situation may be for you down the road.. does it just get easy to brush them off after a while?

Hey Bugs,

Good on the holding back.. Your strength... AWESOME.

I'm curious what was it like for you to be that close. What were your feelings?

thumbs up!!

James,


Sorry sweetie, but I don't think this is true. It SHOULD be true, but it's just not. Atleast not in a real sense of them understanding and certainly not while they are actively wayward.

I think perhaps now that a tad bit of his fog is lifted, that maybe,(and I do mean MAYBE) Drac sees this. There were a few brief moments at the beginning of his affair that he realized it,,,but the Ho helped him shut all of that out with the total eclipse of fantasyland. That is why he stopped his individual counseling. He couldn't face the truth about himself, his actions or my pain AND be able to carry on the Affair. So, he simply shut out the TRUTH.

Sad - but true.


I am hoping for more opportunities like today in the future.

Queenie asked me how I felt being that close to him again. Honestly, this morning, I very much wanted to walk up to him, give him a big hug, and say thank you for everything you did last week.

If he hadn't been on the phone, I might have done just that. But, it's just as well he was on the phone. I think that type of action is too soon right now. I think slow, moderated exposure of Bugs is the way to go. If I open up too much too soon, I will be relegated to nothing more than a back up plan in his mind. Well,,,,atleast that is my speculation on the situation.

Now, as to it getting easier to brush them off? Yes, it does get easier. TODAY wasn't, but that is due to the change in the HoNoMo. Prior to that, I found every one of Ladybug's games that we attended, it grew easier and easier not to even look his way.

Even though this morning I really wanted to make eye contact, it wasn't AS difficult not to because of the previous experience with it.

I put myself in "Diva" mode and walked tall. Chin up Chest out as Mimi always says!

Did he notice me much? I don't know. Frankly, I will admit to 'hoping' for an email from him today. Something,,,anything about the kids or whatever minor thing he could come up with. I was very disappointed not to get one.

I have to be very careful of that. No expectations. So, even though it's tempting to reach out with an excuse to contact email of my own, I have sent him nothing. I have some kid 'bills' that he needs to pay 1/2. I'll save that for later in the week.

Tonight I have traffic school, so am just eating up some time here at work before leaving for that. I will have to call the kids early since I'll be in class at our regular time.

Oh,,,Ladybug brought up the boyfriend question AGAIN yesterday on our way to dinner. We had a bit further discussion about it, but still I have given nothing away that says I am or am not seeing anyone. In fact, they might think I'm seeing more than one person based on our conversation.

Did I mention that yesterday was my wedding anniversary? Yep. Wonder if Drac remembered?

Argh. You seem to be doing well with it. And everything else.


Just don't go too fast. I think you know it, but keep reminding yourself. Don't go too fast.

I really really want this for you, but I also don't want to see you get hurt again.

Exactly... but KNOW that he did notice you.

Be directed by your SMARTS and NOT your FEELINGS.


GREAT...LOL...

So, late tonight I responded to Drac's email from Friday, asking about Ladybugs shots at the dr, and her freedoms in the neighborhood at my house. It was short, but friendly sounding.

He replied almost immediately. He explained about her wanting to see a friend in his neighborhood, but it's a longer walk than those she sees here who are right next door. He talked about her throwing up what she is allowed to do over here and then mentioned that she can be bull headed.

He went on to ask if I got email about a pool party for her softball team this weekend. He said he would take her and then I could pick her up, "if that works for you".

He also asked about some pics we ordered from her dance recital.

I responded that yes, I got the email about the pool party (thanks). That arrangement would work for me.

I said it was funny that he asked about the pics, as I'd just said to Ladybugs over the weekend that we needed to call about them. I said I'd try to remember to call this week.

He responded right back again with "thanks, go to bed".

I replied, "ha! Look who's talking".

He said, "This is when I get my best work done."

I replied, "Yes, it always has been that way . Nite."

No response, but I expected none. I do hope that he is sitting there scratching his head and wondering just what I meant by that comment.

I "think" I opened the door, but then I also shut it at the same time. I hope that it conveyed a bit of a flirty attitude, but that the "nite" also sufficiently kept ME in control. I wanted it to say that I wasn't sitting here 'waiting' for a reply.

Thoughts?

I'm NO expert, but YOU GO GIRL.

How did if FEEL for YOU.. That's what matters, especially if you are doing a little Plan A in there. Remember, Plan A is about YOU.

Vets, am I wrong...

Hi Bugs,


Unfortunately, even though I WISH it wasn't so, from my experience, I also have found this to be true...it's the 'disconnection' that allows a WS to get 'lost' in lalaland!

Bugs...you have come a long way since D-day....you are doing great at navigating those DANGEROUS waters invaded by a creature called...INFIDELITY! :eek:

Sounds like good work to me, Bugs.

You're a marvel. It's not easy to walk the line that you're walking right now, but you're doing it with such grace that it seems easy.

MARVELOUS, BUGSY!!!