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Joined: Feb 2008
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I HAVE ONE LESS KID TODAY! HOORAY!!!

Sorry, just had to share! School starts today and I dropped off the oldest one and the next one goes in an hour and a half.

WOOHOO!!! \:D

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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Wow, school starts today? I have to wait until Aug. 27 (East Coast). I really can't complain though - my kids are teenagers and on their own pretty much. It's different when kids are small and at home.


me - 47
H - 46
DS 16 - DD 13
H EA August 2007
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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fiori Offline OP
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East coast where? I am too and the kids don't start til after Labor day. Lucky!

As for the shower, I may have to wait til some of these boys of mine are gone...they never seem to leave us alone! We shall see, I'll take your advise under advisement.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
Joined: Jun 2008
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New York. The wonderful thing about recovery is that you get to fall in love with your spouse all over again. Sometimes I feel like we're back to how we were when we were dating - it's a wonderful thing. I think it is a honeymoon phase of recovery. I don't know if it lasts but I'm enjoying it. You and I have kids the same age except one of mine is girl. The wonderful thing about us moving into a different house is that we now have a masterbedroom with master bath and locks on the door - it's a wonderful thing!!

G


me - 47
H - 46
DS 16 - DD 13
H EA August 2007
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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fiori Offline OP
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Ga,
Since your H got 'involved' with a woman at the gym, do you still, now that he's not going there, feel like you need to check up on him occassionally?

H brought home a new phone last night. Too bad, this one does not offer the service of blocking a phone number either. I will check that out myself, though. I almost feel out of sorts with the new phone. Previously I just knew how to navigate through to check on him and now it seems harder. No big deal...
Anyway, I really just wondered if there was ever cause in your mind to check on him to this day?


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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fiori Offline OP
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I might have just figured out what I'm looking for from H. He's making such strides, but I still feel like something is missing. So, while blowdrying hair it came to me. It's very simple...I'm looking for him to be like "HOLY CRAP...Look what I almost lost. I had the perfect life (minus a few needed tweeks) and I almost lost it all for a senseless ego boost!"

This is it, I don't feel any urgency from him. Should I be waiting for urgency or simply take what's in front of me. Now, mind you, urgency is not really one of his regular emotions, but I'm thinking it might apply here. Am I wrong?


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Yeah fiori, I felt that way. I used to tell him that there was a fire burning and he set the fire. I felt like he had no sense of urgency and that is what I wanted from him.

I have not really felt that sense of intensity from him. He may have given me behaviors that he would find to be intense. I just did not feel the urgency. But then again, I don't know what he could have done that would have conveyed it to me the way I wanted to feel it.

That is why when I read your posts and HTM's posts, I feel some similarities to the way we three respond and the way our men respond. Right now, I am just working on the aspects of family life that I feel I need from him in order to get us on the right track.

I am trying to make sure that we have joint agreement on family tasks and am asking him to provide the lead on certain tasks and let me provide the lead on other tasks. I don't want him doing my tasks and then leave his tasks uncompleted. I want him and he has agreed to keep the 14 year old productive and active. I want him to be the limit setter for the 14 year old and to spend time with him. In return, I will do the cooking and other household tasks. When he completes outdoor tasks, I have asked him to seek assistance from the boys rather than do these things alone.


Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977

N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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That used to be a trigger for me...new phones. I panicked until I could figure out all the little nuances of it so that I could make sure I was checking. Sigh!

I don't think it's healthy to completely stop checking. I've done that before too and been sadly surprised, like this last time that contact had occurred for a month before I even knew it. Yikes!

There were so many times that FWH did not see or feel any sense of urgency in our R. In some ways, I think it was easier for him to be in "denial" out of either guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. When he would write me letters, he always sounded SO wracked with grief over what he had done to me. I could only assume that his "brush it under the carpet" mode was his defense mechanism.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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It's funny - this morning I was telling my H about one of the situations on this site and he made a comment "the person needs to wash their hands off of the other person and move on." Well I couldn't let that one get away so I said "in that case that is what I should have done with you." He changed his tune. I think it's a man thing to just want to forget or act like it never happened, especially if R is going good. I have made a point of checking my H cell phone in front of him to remind him I will check. I honestly don't think I'll find a unknown phone number but I like that he knows I'll check. I don't do this often. After Dday my H was devastated at the thought of losing his family so he did cry in front of me. I was ready to divorce him. He was very remorseful then, not now but I don't expect him to be now. I don't like that he acts like it never happened. Like you once typed Fiori, I didn't ask for these memories in my head. How was your H when you discovered EA?


me - 47
H - 46
DS 16 - DD 13
H EA August 2007
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter
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fiori Offline OP
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Well, my 'discovery' was really a process. She was given to him as an employee after her boss quit. It was a slow and gradual notice that the name was coming up in conversation more than others. Then there was an invite to a party at her house that we could not go to. Her suggestion was that he come alone and I go off to the kids music program...Hmmmmm...big red flag! I noticed immediately when she came to our house for dinner that she was outwardly flirting with him. So, then I pointed it out. There were many, many opportunities where he told me I was crazy and they were simply friends and that I could not totally "run" his life and he needed to be allowed to have friends outside of here. When the Poop hit the fan in October it was tragic. He cried, we cried...he immediately went to have a meeting with our Deacon. But, during the EA he was a mess anyway. His body rejected the entire thing. He started to have a benign shake in his hands, he lost weight, he had constant headaches and look old for a 41 yr. old person. He even agreed to go to the doc for a full blood workup. So, he knew all along that what he was doing was wrong. It just took his brain a while to catch up. And, then there were many more times where the same scenario played out. I really don't think he ever thought I'd kick him out or divorce him. That, I believe, is the single most reason why he was able to get away with continuing as long as he did. Who knows, he may be right. But, I will not go through it again. This has been [censored] on my family and on me. My boys are still effected and I apparently look 'emaciated'. That's my mom's version but I fail to see how a size 8 can be emaciated! She's a size 22 so I must look teeny. Anyway...that's my story. We're off to vacation today for 10 days at the beach. Last year I looked over my shoulder the entire time for her. Hopefully this year I don't feel like I have to.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
Joined: Jun 2008
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I will tell you the times my husband shows remorse is when I'm loving him most (like surprises in the shower). That's when he'll make comments like "I can't believe I almost lost you." Enjoy your vacation.


me - 47
H - 46
DS 16 - DD 13
H EA August 2007
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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fiori Offline OP
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Ok, you must be one really clean girl!! You've referenced that shower scene a few times now. I will take care of this little show while on vacation. I may check in once or twice, but this is going to be happy vacation...not thinking one. thanks.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
Joined: Apr 2008
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 Quote:
I think it's a man thing to just want to forget or act like it never happened, especially if R is going good.


Nah, it's a WS thing. My W does the same thing. They don't like the guilt they feel when reminded of what they did.


BH (me) age 55
FWW age 52
married 26 years
First DDay 2/23/08, 1 day after PA began, ~1-1/2 months after EA began
Multiple failed attempts at NC
confirmable NC since 1/23/09


(D 31; S 29) my first marriage
(D 27; S 25) her first marriage
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604
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 Originally Posted By: Galoot
Nah, it's a WS thing. My W does the same thing. They don't like the guilt they feel when reminded of what they did.

Agreed. It has nothing to do with being a man. My STBXWW didn't want to be reminded of it.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
Affair is over for OP but not for WS
WW wants to move away w/o me
WW moved away w/o me
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
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Hey there fiori...

How are things going? Did you have a nice weekend? I hope that you didn't let OW take up any of your fun time with H.

Give me a call sometime.

MogiSola


BW (me)
FWH (him - he's earning the F)
3 boys (4, 5, and 7)
M 1997
LT EA/PA 2004-2007
D-Day #1 Feb 2006
Joined MB.
D-Day #2 Feb 2008
D-Day #3 Aug 2008
Began REAL recovery Sept 2008.


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fiori Offline OP
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who is this? How can I call? I don't recognize you at all. sorry, if I should


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
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Sorry to freak you out. I'm not a red-head...

Check out what I heard on the voice recorder! He's not in contact as far as I know, but he was a bit of a jerk.

MogiSola


BW (me)
FWH (him - he's earning the F)
3 boys (4, 5, and 7)
M 1997
LT EA/PA 2004-2007
D-Day #1 Feb 2006
Joined MB.
D-Day #2 Feb 2008
D-Day #3 Aug 2008
Began REAL recovery Sept 2008.


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Hi Fiori,
Just checking in to see how you are doing and how's your vacation going? Hope all is going well and the "DRH" was out of the picture during a special time with family.

G


me - 47
H - 46
DS 16 - DD 13
H EA August 2007
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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fiori Offline OP
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G,
Thanks for the inquiry. We are home from 10 glorious days at the beach and it's kind of sad. My 13yr. old cried the whole way home! But, it's reality time. Back to school, back to work, back to finishing the kitchen remodel.

As for H and I, things went well. We had alot of time to spend together and alot of nice memories. He did not check in with work more than twice and to my knowledge, there was no attempted contact by OW. But, one day our children were out with family members and we had a chance to have some time alone. We put up our umbrella, collected the sand castle toys and headed to the beach for some total relaxation. Unfortunately, things were not all good. H wanted to 'talk'. Nothing heavy, just unload a few things about his job search and the direction his life is taking. He's very concerned about the massive changes that are in his near future. I tried to carry on the conversation, but he did not like my resistance to it. Yes, I realize he needs a new job...yes, I realize this is a tough choice for him and yes, I realize it's overwhelming with so much uncertainty. He feels like nothing has been good for the last 15 months of his life. Excuse the sarcasm...but WHO'S FAULT IS THAT??? So, through much conversation, OW did come up. He does not understand why all things always come back to her. I tried to not be judgemental or critical, but I pointed out to him that because of her, this potentially exciting time in our lives has been tainted. We should be energized by the prospect of him getting a job that he's wanted to change for 7 years now. This should be something we're doing together as a couple...not something that seems dragged down by necessity. You see, his actions with OW made this a necessity so it's taken alot of the fun out of it. I would have liked to have been a part of the process with him, as I believe I would have been if not for HER. So, after a few hours we decided to let it go. I apologized to him for not giving his conversation what he wanted, but tried to nicely explain to him that it's impossible to seperate the two, since one is causing the other. He indicated that his expectations were unrealistic and that he needs to be more sensitive as to the fact that the wound is still fresh for me and that there will be more time needed to heal.

So, after all that, we tried to rebuild the remainder of the day. I did jump in the shower, as you suggested and it was nice. But, hard to regroup and feel sexy once you've had a two hour discussion about dumpy red-heads. So, we settled on cuddling and careful expression. I so deeply want to stop walking on eggshells with this man. He's not a bad person but he did a bad thing. He does not believe I'll ever forgive him. REally, I don't think that's really what concerns him at all. He wants me to forget. I told him that forgiveness would come, but if he expected me to totally erase this time from my mind, that would not be possible. I feel it would be a dis-service to myself to not hold this (loosely) somewhere in my head so that it never happens to me again.

I do have one other concern, but will touch on that tomorrow. I'm worried about HTM and feel I have to touch base with her and see that she's ok. My cell service was nil at the beach so she's fallen out of my contact range and I see trouble...thanks.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 720
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fiori Offline OP
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Ok, yesterday I eluded to the fact that there may be a slight problem with me. Maybe it's normal given my circumstances, but I'd like feedback from others who may have had the same thing occur.
You see, ever since I found out about the dumpy red-head I've started to notice other men. Not interested at all, but I feel like I have to be more aware of what's out there. I'm 44 years old chronologically, but my mind thinks I'm still in my early 30's. So, now I find myself looking at men in my age bracket and wondering if I could be attracted to someone this age. Is that weird? I have no intentions of EVER cheating and have no desire to do so. But, because I feel like H gave himself a back-up plan, I almost feel like I need one too. Do I think we'll end up divorced? Nope...deep down inside I do not. However, I need him to make a few changes in his life to live up to what we both agreed upon. During vacation he very actively looked for a new job...this is much easier when he's not at work. Also, he asked me to help him today by finding an executive recruiter that he can meet with as opposed to a search agency online. I sent the info I found and he was excited by it and has already made a call/email contact. This is good.
But, things that I've settled for before now seem unreasonable to me. I've always figured marriage was a 10 point scale. I have always been very satisfied with my marriage. But, there are a few points where H does not quite fit my profile for a "perfect" marriage. Knowing that there is no such thing, I've been ok with not putting too much weight into the few things I feel I'm missing out on. But, now that he opened the door I feel like I should be making some requests. Should I? Can I now ask him to do the things I've never asked for 20 years? Can I now expect him to be more romantic? Can I expect him to be more social? Can I expect him to "cherish" me? I've always felt loved, but not really cherished. This could simply be his personality...but do I ask that he change that? I'm not sure where the line is as to what is or is not acceptable. I feel like I have a new lease on life. I don't want my old marriage back, I want a new improved one...but with the same guy! Is this too much to ask?


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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