Update -

A few days ago I called my husband to tell him someone I had an EA with last spring just emailed me and what did he want me to do? I knew it would be hard for him to hear but I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to say. I felt like I was confessing all over again. He didn't say much, just wanted to make sure this guy didn't live close or know where I was staying now. (He doesn't.) Then he said just delete it and not do anything else, so that's what I did. I told him how sorry I was about everything. What was weird was that in his voice, he just sounded like he was responding to a request for advice/help, almost like he was sympathetic, not angry at all.

As for the OM, he didn't really mean anything to me and I was really angry he would try to contact me after I told him not to. Especially since it meant I would have to tell my husband, which I really didn't want to do.

Update -

We're talking more about relationship stuff now. We finally discussed ENs, and he asked me about mine. He couldn't really give me a ranking, though because he said they were nearly all important. He said admiration wasn't that important because he gets that from work, but I said it still counts as a need and I should work on that. Other than admiration, other top needs were SF (for a long time I thought he had a low sex drive but he admitted he started avoiding sex when he started having physical problems - performance anxiety sort of thing), Honesty/Openness, and Domestic Support. But his most important need is not on Harley's list - he wants another baby. No surprise there.

I told him my EN's: Conversation, SF, Honesty/Openness (ironic, I know, I know), Affection (though I said he's always been good at that one.)

And he admitted lately that he's afraid I might have another affair. I asked him if there's anything I can do about that and he said he can't think of anything at the moment. I said to tell me if he does. I suggested having a friend with investigative skills check up on me, but he just laughed. But I think it might get easier when we are finally under the same roof.

Aphaeresis,

Haven't posted to you for a while, but I have been trying to follow your updates and have noticed your posting to others of late. I even find myself agreeing with the advice you give them.

Must be my getting easier to please as I age, huh?


Did I hear that somewhere before?



Mark

Mark,

LOL! Yes, I'm sure I've heard it from you and many others on this board. And Thanks. --Lynne

L:

(you may want to pull your real name...)

About this:


Asking him what you could do is fine. How about telling him the things that you have been doing? To insure that you will not cross those boundaries again?

1, I will not invite other men to the house.
2. I will not "chat" on line with other men.
3. I will....

Do you see the difference.

He's afaid you will have another A. But HE doesn't know how to tell you what you should do to make him feel more comfortable. All you can do is let him know WHAT you are doing different from what you USED to do.

Good conversation about the EN's and the SF issues though.

Tough to rank them when you are first introduced to them. It will come. You live them, he will learn them.

LG

Hi everyone. Nothing going on lately. Just letting you know I'm alive and doing fine. Things with my husband are progressing as much as they can under the circumstances.

Aph,

Glad you checked in. I've been wondering about how things are going with you.

I still wish you guys would get together in the same house. After being apart for so long it will take serious adjustment by both of you to make a home together. Once that process begins, remember that he will often be withdrawn from you and maybe even moody. But it will be the not knowing how to live with you that will be the culprit, not something he will necessarily be sulking about due to anger or anything like that.

You too will have those feelings from time to time. Just don't read them as incompatibility and decide to move on without giving it a chance.

Mark

thanks, Mark. I'll remember that.

Been a couple of weeks since we heard from you, Aph. How ya doin'?

Mark

Hi Mark,

Good up until yesterday. Been working a lot.

So what happened yesterday? Well my husband told me he saw a urologist. Apparently he has a prostate problem and his doctor said the only thing that will help are these pills which have the side effect of impotence. But he has to do something because he's having trouble urinating.

He goes back to a follow up in a month. I asked him to ask the doctor about other options (I find it hard to believe there's only one medicine he can take!) and whether taking an occasional "drug holiday" might be a solution.

If anyone else has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

I just checked with google. His doctor is full of it. There are lots of options now, including the possibility that erectile dysfunction pills like Viagra might actually be able to double as prostate shrinking pills. And even if they can't, they can be taken with the beta blockers. (The concern in combining them is with a possible drop in blood pressure *in some patients*, but his is too high anyway.)

And also a new study says botox injected right into prostate gland alleviates symptoms while causing no sexual side effects.

Aph,

Your full of it. But....

You are right some Doc's just write the easiest Rx.

And your BH is full of it. He has problems with dealing with your affair and most likely is using his ED/prostate problem as an excuse to not have SF with you.

Originally combination of BH's weight, age, out of shape started ED.
Your PA maybe has left him feeling he can't follow OM. So he won't admit this, but will do anything to avoid having to compete with post PA comparisons.
Something is bothering your BH.

How much and what did you tell your BH about the OM and the PA?

How long was your PA? How did D day come about? How hard was it for NC to happen?
Could you provide a mini time line?

TheRoad,

Well he doesn't need an excuse for that but we're living apart right now. (We got into financial difficulty and I ran into health problems so the kids and I are staying at my folks house till the end of the year.) And he wants to have another child, so I know he wouldn't be any happier with a permanently sexless marriage than I would be.

He specifically requested no details about my infidelity, so I haven't told him much. But he knows I'm willing to discuss it if he needs to. It was multiple affairs (including two ONS) over 4-5 years maybe and he found out because I told him. Unlike a lot of women, I never wanted to leave my husband for an affair partner because I thought of an affair as something entirely separate from my marriage - of course I now know it doesn't really work that way.

update - okay, no big deal. The doctor also gave him Cialis. I don't know why he made things sound so much worse than they are. He does that sometimes.

Aph,

Sorry I missed your update of July 26th. I've been a bit busy lately and don't read here all the time like I once did.

Are you guys still on track to be back in the same place by the end of the year? Any chance for a few weekends together every once in a while till then?

How are you and the kids doing and how has your health been lately? Anything new along that front?

Mark

Hi Mark.

I haven't been around much lately either. I'm completely Lyme-free now - don't even have to take medicine except for allergy meds. Unfortunately, my husband seems to have it or something similar - might have been from that camping trip we took once. My son still has it, but is progressing well. My daughter is fine.

We will reunite in December but we no longer know where. I applied for a permanent job locally because the benefits are good, and if I get it my husband will look for one in this area as well. (The company he works for isn't doing so well and keeps laying people off. His job is safe so far but we're sick of the instability.) We'll all be here for the holidays in any case. I might get to see him in November if we decide to relocate here because that's when he takes off work to get our stuff out of storage.

I lost interest in our online game, but we've been emailing and talking on the phone more. So things are going as well as they can be.

Aphaeresis,

Good to hear from you.

Once you guys get back together in the same place work as hard as you can to do the stuff you learned from Marriage Builders. Make your marriage the one you both deserve and can be proud of.

None of this does any good unless you actually put in into practice.

I know it might not mean much to you but I still pray for you both.

Mark

I'm starting a new thread. Looks for "Aph's new thread"