Ok, this may be long so I might put in 2 posts to get it all in.

Email this morning from Drac asking me what my schedule is like in the morning. DSS has his school physical in the morning and Drac has a meeting at the same time. Could I take him to the appt. and then Drac would pick him up at my office.

I replied, "Just like you, I am pretty much under water with work, but I will just stay later tomorrow night. He has to make this appt. What time will you bring him by in the morning?


My point was only to let him know that I, too, have responsibilities and a large work load.

His reply below is very interesting (I think).

Ok, before I go on with the rest of the evening events, I'd really like some input on what you all get out of his email above????????

I have my own thoughts/ideas, but I am going to hold comments for now.

Trying to figure out a way to speak to you directly?

Almost desperate in his attempt to open up lines of communication with you?

How about emailing him and SIMPLEY asking him if he remembers or knows why you are communicating this way? How about saying "I SENT YOU A LETTER"...

Gosh he's sounding REPENTANT almost.."I'm sorry".."I know it was MY CHOICE"...WOW...

Ok, so at this time I had gone to meet a friend for dinner. I left there and was making quick stop at at store. I came out and my car is DEAD.

As a Door Nail.

Zip. Nada. Zilch. Not turning over and lights barely on.

Oh, and a thunderstorm is moving in.


So, I make a couple of calls and have someone on the way with jumper cables. While waiting, I email Drac,

"You are wrong.

Right now, however, I am sitting here in a car that will not start.

I will let you kmnow for sure, as soon as I can, if I have a car with which to take him to the dr."

He replies, "Do you need help?"

As I am typing a reply, my cell rings. It's Drac.

"Are you ok? Do you need help?"

I told him I'd made some calls and thought I had it covered. I didn't say how or who I called.

He asked several questions about what was wrong with the car, etc. Told me that he and the kids were just getting back from the store and that he could come if I need him to. I said no, I think I have it covered, but thanks.

He THEN went on to tell me that I am still covered under his Triple A membership, did I know that? I said, no, I didn't know that. I figured I wasn't covered and I don't even know if I have the card. He said that if I didn't have the card that he would take care of making the call if I needed to have the car towed. I checked, and I still had the card but it had an expired sticker on it. He said, "oh yes, I kept the coverage because with the kids it just makes sense"

Well, the membership had to be renewed in APRIL of this year. He never bothered to tell me that I was still covered.

Anway,,,,,I said thanks, I'll let you know later what the situation is. If I have to have the car towed, I won't have a vehicle to take DSS to the dr in the morning.

He said that HIS car is in the shop (again? I think he may have gotten a bit of a lemon). He is driving his dad's truck. BUT, if my car has to be towed, I could take dad's truck, and he'd get a ride to work with an employee of his who lives close and he'd then drive a work truck.

WTF???

I just said thanks, I'll let you know and we ended the call.


I hate to do this guys, but I have to go walk the doggie. I'll be back (sorry for needing a 3rd post on this)

Well darn! I was on my way to bed and thought I just check the boards for a sec... (sigh) guess I'll just have to wait until the morning. I think that tiny hole in the dam is growing larger and it's gonna be a gusher soon.

OH MY GOODNESS!!

Pull out your notes from Steve!! Time for STUDY HALL!!

Check with you tomorrow!!

So, I get the car jump started and down the street to a car parts store. As I am getting battery tested, etc. the kids call at the 'usual' time. I told Ladybug I'd call her back and I did after getting things squared away with getting a new battery.

I talked to the kids and then after, I emailed Drac that it looked like things are a go for in the morning for DSS.

He replied asking what was wrong with the car.

I replied, "battery"

He then emailed telling me to still have the alternator checked because if it is going bad, it can drain the battery.

I replied later saying thanks, I took his advice and had it checked, too.



Mimi - you did catch the one thing that I thought was the most interesting in his email. For the FIRST time, I heard some sort of personal responsibility of his situation. He actually said the current circumstances are due to HIS choice.

Now, as Steve has warned me, I am giving this a lot of review. He did NOT say that he dislikes the circumstances, nor did he say he REGRETS his choices in any way. Nor did he acknowledge the issues his choices have caused anyone else. The small admission is still DRAC FOCUSED.

I think it IS progress. But I'm not over the moon about it.

I talked to my sister (who is out of town tonight) during the evenings events and shared with her how 'helpful' and concerned Drac was being. She went on about how she hoped that we would get to the point of having a good 'divorce' relationship for the kids, how friends of hers have such things, yada, yada, yada. BUT, then when she heard everything, she added, "I don't trust the s.o.b." ha! I laughed.

She also recognizes that for us to have this kind of communication, that I need to be able to handle it emotionally. I told her THAT is why I had ended this kind of communication last year because I could not. She noted that even then he wasn't THIS friendly (well DUH, he was in the heart of HOLand back then). I told her further that at that time he was 'cake eating". She wasn't so sure,,,,,,,,I simply said I could guarantee it. She doesn't know that we were still intimate.

So, I'll be waiting anxiously for some input on all of this.

I do need to email him about keeping Ladybug one night next week when I am gone for work overnight. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hi Bugs,


Drac is definitely wanting to 'open up' communication.

You seem to have a good take of the situation.

Remain cautious, and I would avoid giving him reasons to powerstruggle or to be defensive. If he asks for a favour...you either can or you can't (and vice-versa). You don't owe him any explanation, nor do you have to 'accommodate him' at all costs.

When WS asks me for those kinds of favours (ie. picking up DS12 later than scheduled, switch a day), it's a 'yes or no', and in my mind, I do it for DS12, because he would be stuck with whatever arrangements WS can make...

How did YOU rate on meeting the ADMIRATION NEED?

ETA: IMO, you should NOT be agreeable to OPENING UP more COMMUNICATION as a PARENT. That's where HE wants to put you and that's where YOU will STAY if you do it HIS WAY. He will get to USE you in that role while he maintains relationships with HOs. IMO, this NEW RELATIONSHIP PHASE should be according to YOUR OWN AGENDA... IF you PURSUE this, that YOU want to be his ROMANTIC PARTNER...IMO, this should be made CLEAR and EVIDENT to HIM.

I think that HE is trying to CHART THE COURSE... as you say.. and it's gonna be up to YOU to MAKE THE RULES..and NOT HIM...

Well.. I'm not seeing anything to get overly excited about here, however I think it's pretty clear that he's defogging a little bit at a time.

Accepting that the situation was HIS choice is IMO a big step, and one taken so soon and in the midst of the recent circumstances I'd take as a very positive sign.

Keep your guard up, because honestly I wouldn't trust the SOB either .

Not yet anyway.. but give it a few more interactions and see if he really is clearly trying to give this more of a shot than the 'let's be friends and raise the kids' bit..

((((((BUGS))))))

Stay on target!

Well, James, I don't think I could have said it better myself, as this is pretty much what I am thinking.

I have just a few minutes before I need ot leave to take DSS to the dr this morning. Wish I had time to get caught up on everyone's threads,,,,,I've read a bit of most and feel bad I have only posted about 'me' these last few days. Hopefully tonight I will have a QUIET evening to spend time with you all!

So, I emailed Drac last night about keeping Ladybug one night next week. He just replied 'yes'.

This morning, I was walking Beau when he arrived with DSS. I wasn't back to my house yet as he started backing out of the drive. I thought he was going to drive on, but he backed up and rolled down his window.

The truck he was driving is diesel, so I could not hear what he said and had to walk up closer to hear. He just wanted to confirm that he will pick up DSS at my office later this morning. I replied that yes, that would be fine. I started to walk away when he said something I didn't hear again, so I turned around. He looked me right in the eye and said, 'thanks'. I just nodded and went on to the house.

I did catch him giving me a look up and down when I walked closer to the truck. Well, how could he not? I have on a great Goddess dress (the polka dot I bought for last years presentation meeting I gave), combined with my great tan and diva glasses, even *I* think I look good today. Hope he even got a wiff of my perfume! haha!

So, I am looking at this as baby steps. Watching carefully for a daily weather report and hoping for the continued clearing of the fog.

Gotta run,,,,,,,Have a blessed day everyone.

(((((Bugs)))))

Seems like another in a series of positive interactions..

Nice that he bothered to say thanks.. and I'm sure he's getting a gander at what he's missing, and I'd even wager that he's really getting to a point where he really misses it.

I think you're handling the situations well, though I do worry how much of a letdown it will be after having several positive interactions, if/when there is a setback, however slight.

Keep up that guard Bugsy.. but make sure you're letting some sunshine in for yourself.

If Luna's got the saftey net thing covered.. you're certainly teaching a master class on tightrope walking.

Me? I'm just a clown, still tripping over my big ol shoes.

BUGSY:

Hhhmmmmm.....

Cracks in the dam?

Maybe. Water is certainly gushing...

The first email:

Drac is stamping his FEET. "I DON'T Want to do it this way ANYMORE! WAAAHHH!!!

Meaning, NOMOHO, and maybe, just maybe, I can get BUGSY back into that backstop position.... Mimi pointed that out, later.

His reply, even though he says he hates email, was about seven lines too much if you don't like using email. "He doth protest too much" And since the ONLY real direct communication he has at this point is via email, he NEEDS to get you to start talking to him in a more direct manner.

DRAC can ALWAYS get to you thru the kids. He knows this. So do you.

Drac has been putting out the bait. Slowly but surely. Your reply to his request, was a seeming rejection of all that bait. So, he lashed out.

He threw in a slight admission, "was by my choice" but he probably put that in AFTER he wrote the rest of the email to cushion the blow a little. Had the sentence been at the beginning of the paragraph, or in the middle, then I would allow it to carry greater weight. Otherwise, he just added it to the email so that you didn't pop a email right back at him stating that "this WAS your choice, you know"

In light of what happened later, I would think he would NOT have sent that email, had he asked you that question at the end of the day.

That's what I think about THIS Email.

LG

Bugsy:

This dead battery thing? How did Drac respond?

Like someone who is trying to be a nice guy. Trying to show he cares.

He's trying to "protect" his family.
Trying to be the "White Knight"
From offering to come out there, to the truck offer to advising you about AAA availability.

See what a great guy he is? I mean, that's the kind of guy you met originally right? You married HIM.

Too bad he turned into Drac.

Listen to Steve and Mimi. Drac is really trying to manuever into the "co-parent and friendly communications" mode. If he can get you THERE, then he's DONE. He MIGHT what to restart a romantic relationship with you, but that isn't his real goal right now. He wants a step-mommy for his kids.

His looking you "up and down" is expected. He KNOWS what he lost. He may not ever be able to recover that.

I think you need to go to dinner with MLC or that someone else who has been asking you to go out, and make sure that Drac finds out about it. Then soon afterward, make sure that you hang on the window with your elbow and have a conversation with him one morning at kid pick up, IF you are bending over to look into the car, thats even better. Turn him into a puddle.

Then you will find out if he is interested in more than just step-mommy.

LG

Bugsy --

We need a callout for Schoolbus to analyze some of his communications lately.

I would reply to his "complaining" email with something along the lines of:


He's trying to rescue you...and you rejected him. I think that is why his latest communication was abrupt.

I think you should have treated this situation with more "plan A". LET him rescue you. Then show admiration and appreciation. He would lap it up like a little puppy.
And it would have been an interaction between you as adults with NOTHING to do with co-parenting or kids.

Mimi,

I'm sorry I missed your early morning post when I was on first thing this morning. I have gone back and re-read all of the posts a couple of times because I really want to get what everyone is saying, cause it's good stuff.

I see the points that are being made about Charting the Course OFF of co-parenting as much as possible. As it has been pointed out, this isn't the role that I want, but one that he would easily delegate me to if he is able. I (unfortunately) did something this morning that plopped me in that mommy role - - after DSS's appt, I sent a summary email of the details of his appt. I was very careful to be positive and have no judgments - which is a bit hard due to DSS being borderline overweight. Also, DSS made a comment about "My dad said he might PUT me in wrestling this year". The dr jumped on that comment and said sports should be what HE wants to do. I've made that statement before when Drac's PUT DSS in sports and it never went over well. In the email, I told him what was said, but made the comment "It's really hard finding something that really sparks DSS's interest, isn't it?".

Anyway, I'm not really happy with myself overall with the email, but what's done is done.

Drac emailed asking if we were back. I replied yes and he showed up at my office door moments later. I was on the phone with a business call and he stood there waiting for me to end the call. I was upbeat and funny on the call. As soon as I was off, he said he'd gotten my email. He picked up DSS's paperwork from my desk and says "The co-pay was $, right?" and reached for his wallet. I said yes, but just wait, there's other stuff we need to catch up on. I'll send you the information."

He said "thanks again" as he turned to go. DSS was walking out right behind him. I said, Hey to DSS, don't just leave me without giving me my hug! Drac stood right outside the door watching as we hugged. I asked DSS if he had his picture (I gave him a copy of one we had done at the zoo last week of the 3 of us). Drac looked at me one last time and said 'thanks again' and left.

Lexxxy - you make a very valid point about the attempted 'rescue'. I hesitated when he offered, as I think I knew it would be a perfect Plan A thing to do (even though he had the kids with him), but I already had someone on the way so that's why I said no.

I've been thinking of another reply to the 'complaint' email. I'm not sure if that moment has passed fully or not. I was considering sending something like this -

"I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for your support last week during Dad's heart attack. As hard the entire situation was, knowing you were there for me made it easier. I wish I could express what that meant to me.

Thank you for calling me last night when my car would not start. I was really scared when I turned that key and nothing happened.

Thank you for the offer to come help me.

Thank you so much for keeping me on the Triple A membership and for letting me know that I'm still covered. Knowing that I am covered gives me a lot of peace of mind.

Thank you for the offer to drive Dad's truck while you would have to take a ride to get a company vehicle. It was one less worry for me and Lord knows that I could use less of those these days!

Thank you for allowing for the possibility of email interpretation being the issue in my message about DSS's doctor visit. I know that it is difficult with email. There is a lot of room for misunderstanding or taking things the wrong way. I wasn't trying to imply that I wasn't 100% willing to help with DSS.

I don't know if you have the letter I gave you last year when I asked you to communicate via email. I tried to explain in that letter why things have to be this way. I don't know if I did a good job of explaining or not. Probably not. We were both in a different place then. I may not have written it well and you may have taken it differently than I had intended. "

I am not sure about that last paragraph. I left it open at the end to see if he will inquire about the intention. I don't know if that is a good idea or not.

Oh - - last second add to this post - - Email from Drac that he was putting next week's overnight with Ladybug on his calendar when he "noticed that we are at the same event Thursday evening." What the heck should I think/do/respond about that?

Maybe some kind of subtle flirting in response, just enough to make him scratch his head and wonder if he's imagining it.

Can't tell you what to think Bugsy.. you know that..

As for what to do?

I'd start picking out the outfit you want to wear tomorrow nite..


If I had to respond to that comment I'd simply say 'See you there' or something appropriately vague to get his wheels turning. But if that was the only thing to reply to in the email, I'd leave it alone.. and just show up in full GODDESS DIVA mode.. if appropriate for the event that is.


Is there a context in which this is mentioned? Is it an event for one of the kids, or more of a social thing?

James,

It is actually Next Thursday and it is work. It is an area sales meeting for the sales team in Drac's area. I have been invited as a 'guest' to attend and to give a presentation.

It is meetings all day Thurs with dinner/comedy club outing that night and the meetings on Fri.

Miss Meggy, hmmmm,, I do have to address Ladybug's care, and fit in a flirty comment. How about this -

"Oh, I did not know the you were attending, too:). I do believe the event just improved.
I will make arrangements for Ladybugs"

The question I have is the timing ofsending the above with the proposed email in my previous post?

I was thinking something like, "Oh, I didn't know you were coming too. Maybe you'll get lucky and run into me. ;)"

What about the timing? Don't wait too long or it'll seem like you've been thinking about what to say. Oh wait. You have. LOL