Next time you talk to them, TELL them your WW is having an affair with OM and it hurts you. Who cares if they "don't want to hear it"? Nobody wants to hear it! Don't protect them from this knowledge. Don't help them isolate themselves from this and pretend nothing is going on. That's not healthy! No need to keep harping on it, but the words DO need to be said, and then you can move on.

But maybe she knows who OMs parents are?
Siblings?

You need to quit fixating on every little action, word, and breath that comes from WW. This isn't a play-by-play, it's a long haul scenario. She's the floundering ship, remember? She's going to flounder. You have to be steadfast and quit freaking out.

This will serve what purpose?
How is it Plan A?
How does it prepare you for Plan B?
I can see how it sets you (and your friend) up for a restraining order, but that's about it. Don't stalk your WW, and don't have a friend do it. That's creepy and frightening for your WW.

Instead of stalking WW, throw all your energy into the renovations. Show her a couple of pics so she knows there's real action (more than just buying a bedspread) and not just cheap talk.

Draft your Plan B letter, but stay in a strong Plan A until the letter is delivered.

Regarding emailing the other GFs.
Good idea but use catperson's delivery.
There's nothing further to talk about; they don't need to call you. You can say everything you have to say in a very short email.

You gain nothing by a voice to voice call - they can argue and wheedle on your WWs behalf and it gets you nowhere. Just deliver the info via email and leave it at that.

Thanks catperson.

So a bit more of an update:

Sister #2 called me back late in the evening. I exposed to her. We ended up talking on the phone for 2.5hrs! Her and I have never done that, had a heart to heart or anything over the 8.5yrs I've know her. Once again, like the rest of the family's responses, was that she had no idea things were this bad. My WW had only told her that she was living in the apartment w/friend. WW has only spoken to sister a couple times over the last 2 months and either in conversation or in person WW has not discussed anything about our marriage.
Sister #2 was very supportive and knows how much I love my WW. I gave her the whole story from pretty much day one up until yesterday and she was more than happy to listen.
She just finished her degree in nursing and is looking to be a phyc nurse! (So there's a bit smarts there to help me!) She gave me her opinion, based on what I said as to what WW might be doing and it matches pretty much what's been said here and from others.
She said she'll try to contact WW and support her, see if she'll open up about things.


At the end of the day I wasn't scared anymore! I felt good about my choice. Thanks to all of you I did it the best I can and only see if that makes any effect on WW.

Remember, this is really more for YOU than her. YOU need to protect yourself and your dignity, and you are now doing that. What she does now is her choice, but you can walk away with dignity if you have to, now. Try not to focus this whole thing you're doing on her; make it focus on YOU. That way, if things don't work out, you've been working on yourself and getting stronger. 'k?

Turtlehead your right...all of you are right. I NEED to stop reading into those emails for how she is feeling. I know she's wishy washy.

I will tell parents about PA, not sure when I'll see them next

GF#2 doesn't know OM parents, no sibblings

I won't to the drive by the house thing.....I think I was looking for a hope that she wouldn't be over there overnight anymore and that would spark more drive in me. I know it that would've been a long shot anyways



I read into the latest email, only a couple days ago, it scares the H#LL out of me.

Her response to a GF.
"Lots is new. I'm living in XXX with my friend XXXX in an apartment. I left (BH). I'm a MUCH happier person nowadays....."

All this time, these months, I have never seen an email or anything where she has confided in someone that she is confused/ needs direction/ is unsure what to do. Of course she could be having those as IMs or in person/on phone but there is usually an extension to those conversations into emails....

All I ever see is her saying she's having fun, a great time, and doesn't want to really talk about our marriage. She doesn't even contact me. 3 weeks now and nothing at all!!!!

I'm sorry that it looks like I'm loosing the set I just started getting. That's not true. It just hurts that I have no response from her. BUt I will keep myself in Plan A.

You just don't have it in you ... do you???

It is becoming more apparent that your WW has simply lost ALL respect for you, likely due to your own (in)actions.

Until you are willing to exhibit some form of backbone, then your WW will never see a reason to even attempt to reconcile with you.

If you will read of the true BH success stories here ... in nearly every case, the BH had to reach the point where he was ready to push the "F@#* it" button before the WW took them seriously. Some did it immediately upon discovery ... others wallowed in limbo for months before they reached that point ... but their lives didn't improve until they reached that point and their WW's KNEW they were serious.

At this late date, I don't know if your WW will ever take you seriously.

MyRevelation,

Your right! My WW DID loose all respect for me due to my in-actions. Thank you for reminding me.
She said it herself,
"Didn't you see the signs?" meaning why didn't you be a man and stand up and fight for me when this was just starting

So, MyRevelation, you were the one who gave me the final push to expose and I did. Yes I need to tell her parents. No they will not even let me tell them, they hang up. I will try again.

When my W and I first met I was a strong person, had a direction in my life and was happy with my hobbies, job, and friends. I was always a strong independent person and I think what's what my W saw in me and loved about me.
BUT over the years I got too comfortable, I lost most of my drive in life and was happy with having her beside me and that was good enough.
We used to talk about the future and all the plans we had, starting a family, our house, trips, etc. but for some reason they fell to the wayside. I don't know what happened....

My WW coined the phrase to describe how she was feeling. This was the context of a conversation she had with a friend before she even discussed sep or moving out or anything, "I love the way we live, where we live, how we live, BUT it just feels too comfortable."

I F'd up myself! I don't know what happened to me. I used to not give a CR@P about what anyone thought, now I'm so worried all the time....

I need to be that same person I was proud to be when my WW first met me. Not just for her but for myself! Whether she sees it or it's too late I will do it for my self!

MyRevelation....thank you again. Please keep reading my post and give me strengh.

"I will tell parents about PA, not sure when I'll see them next"

Why haven't you gone to Wal Mart yet?

You have to see..... DUH!

Phone them, email them, old fashion mail them. Telegram!

However you are afraid to tell anyone. Proof after you called one SIL as soon as SIL did not support or encourage your continued exposure you lost all steam.

Blood is thicker than water. SIL is not going to support you.
Seeking and gaining approval has nothing to do with exposure.

You do not have the balls to fight for your marriage so just let it end. Or you are not really tryong to fight for your marriage because you can not admit you do not want it.

Therefore you are standing by waiting for it to end because you do not want to be the one that ended it.

Alone:

MyRev is right. You have been too passive.

Call your in-laws.

Of course they "don't want to be bothered" and "want to support thier daughter"

But you can simply advise them of YOUR TRUTH.

One point to make:

Your WW will state that you will never change, that you will still be the rotten H that caused her to have an A. And she will use this justification with her friends and family ALL THE TIME.

You need to state simply "One year ago, I never thought that WW would change into thsi type of person. So, I can change as well. I didn't realize the how harmful some of my actions might have been for WW all these years. I working on them and will continue to improve. WW can change, so can I.

This is YOUR truth. Live it, breath it.

The in-laws and family friends may not support you and your position and not want to get invovlved. So be it. GIve them your side of the story, with politeness and without arguing when they might disagree. And then leave it at that.

BTW, turn off your phone today. Be unavaiable to WW today. Let the schock of the exposure wash over her, without her being to yell at you.

LG

LG your right that this is my truth and I have to stand by it! I have made mistakes in this marriage BUT I didn't make choices to leave, to have an affair.

I have spoken to both sisters, both her best GFs, I am going to send those emails as we speak. I can't call the parents until this evening as they are at work. I will call then.

From the people I exposed to none of them said they will be taking much action, if at all. I don't think that I will have WW calling and yelling at me. I will be out of town the next few days so hopefully during that time she will feel the exposure and not be able to get ahold of me.

I may be wrong, but to me the main reason for exposure is to disallow the WS and OM to continue acting as if they have done nothing immoral. Period. In other words, her friends may not say anything to her, but whenever she is around them, she will know that they know, and whatever sense of morality she has left may kick in and make her feel uncomfortable for what she's doing; i.e., she can't pretend she's the victim any more. And what can possibly be worse than facing your own mother, looking her in the eyes, and seeing that she knows you stepped outside of your marriage just to make yourself happy? IMO, THAT is what exposure is all about.

It's quite normal for her family to side with her.

As someone posted earlier, you're doing this for YOU.
So that YOU can look back and say "I stood up for my marriage! I did not sit idly by like a wimp and impotently watch my life come apart."

Those other people, her "friends" and family, will have to deal with their own consciences and how they handled this knowledge that you've given them. That is not your burden nor your concern.

Your job is YOU, and being the best YOU that you can be.

What renovations have you done recently?
Anything you could mention to WW?
Anything photo-worthy?
Did you give her the pics of the cats and bedspread?

What other gripes of hers could you address in your Plan A?

You say WW will know that they know even if they don't say anything to her? How will she know? Because she sees it in their eyes?

I don't think this would be a good one to mention because she might take it the wrong way, but I will have the car that I was building for her on the road by the end of next week. BUT I gifted her the other car and told her after finding out about the PA that I couldn't find it in my heart to finish it for HER. It was ment to be a gift.

Here might be a good one! I'm heading for the cabin tomrrow and both of us liked to fish out there. For my B-day in April she bought me a new tacklebox and lures. I'll get to use them this weekend.

The renos will starting slowly next week as I will be out of town for the rest of this week as of tommorrow.

I'm still going to send her the email of the cats pic sometime today.

Gripes that she had, let me see:
1) renos (finishing bathroom and painting)
2) clean the clutter out of the basement, yard and garage
3) said one time that I looked sexy when I used to do a labour job a few years back,(bigger arms, lost the beer belly) and now I've gain that back. But told her about the punching bag already?
4) wanted to go for walks together,dates, etc (quality time)
5) wanted both of us to eat more healthy, take vitamins
6) has bugged me for years to go to a doctor to get a check-up/physical.(she knows I've never been since I was pre-teen, and I could see her genuine concern for me even though I'm not sick or have any problems)
7) Too much sitting around and watching TV even at dinner, nearly every night.

Tell her that the car is running great...and, the chicks dig it!!!

J/K


...but, tell her the car is great.

Definitely send the pic of the cats, also mention fishing and the tackle box!

1) renos (finishing bathroom and painting)
Okay, don't procrastinate this. As soon as you get back, do something with the bathroom or painting that gives a lot of visual impact for a reasonable amount of effort, take a pic, and send it to her. You tend to procrastinate, so be sure to do this instead of sitting in front of the TV after work.

2) clean the clutter out of the basement, yard and garage
Is it all your stuff? Or do you need her there to help figure out what stays and what goes. You might find homes for some of the stuff, have a yard sale for some of the stuff, and haul the rest to the dump. But be careful that she doesn't get the idea you're getting ready to sell the house or anything like that, and don't take liberties with her things. Just "Wow, I cleaned the clutter out of the basement and it looks GREAT! I was thinking we could make a rec room there, with a ping-pong table or something, what do you think?"

The yard clean up is a great one. Just clean it up, and she'll eventually notice on her own. This is a powerful one because it will be ACTIONS and not cheap empty words. She'll see the nice yard and think "Wow, he really is making changes."

3) said one time that I looked sexy when I used to do a labour job a few years back,(bigger arms, lost the beer belly) and now I've gain that back. But told her about the punching bag already?
Get in shape so that the next time she sees you she's startled by the difference. Lose some weight, do some situps, lift some weights to bulk up your shoulders and biceps. Remember, actions (getting in shape) speak volumes, and words ("Hey, I got a punching bag") are cheap.

4) wanted to go for walks together,dates, etc (quality time)
Invite her on a walk by the lake or in a nice park. She'll say no but the message will register.

5) wanted both of us to eat more healthy, take vitamins
Try out some new (healthy) recipes and email her one or two of the better ones (in separate emails, spaced out). Make it an ACTION, though, and not just cheap words. Let her know you're doing this stuff. Like throw in a comment about "the recipe says to use 2 tsp salt but to me that was way too much" or "the recipe calls for radiccio but I also used arugula and mesculun - it made a nicer presentation."

6) has bugged me for years to go to a doctor to get a check-up/physical.(she knows I've never been since I was pre-teen, and I could see her genuine concern for me even though I'm not sick or have any problems)
Okay, this one you can handle ALL by yourself
What're you going to do?

7) Too much sitting around and watching TV even at dinner, nearly every night.
Whatever you do in your communications with her, DON'T mention a TV show. Besides, you're going to be too busy working out, painting, doing yard work, and fixing the bath to worry about TV shows. You're going to be sleeping well, 'cause you're gonna be exhausted.

Wow Turtlehead, that's great advice!

Yup, renos start up next week when I'm back.

As for the stuff in the garage and basement it's 99% mine. If there is something of hers and will find a place for it.

I like the sending a recipe!

I'll have to dig for the doctors phone number and make an appointment. Not sure when I'll get in but when I do I tell her about it after! Hopefully I'm not dying LOL!!

Well, usually in exposures, the people you tell, tell her that you called them. If every single one of these people pretends you never called, you might try slipping to her that they all know now. I would, at least.

Ok, my understanding it that I wasn't supposed to talk to WW about the exposure, doesn't that allow her to have a defence ready when she approaches them?

The only two people that said they would mention anything were her sisters. One said next time she sees WW she will her that she needs to be upfront about how she feels about our marriage/relationship and that's about all. Think about her decisions.
She second sister says she will email her and see if she will open up about what's going on.

WW is on holidays next week and says she doesn't have any plans. I'm going to assume she'll at least go see that one sister who lives close by to see the baby. The other lives out of town.

So....just for clarification....

When can I talk about where we stand in our relationship, what the future holds?

I know that WW is in the fog, fence sitting, cake-eating and based on what has been said here and through the counselor I have spoken to that she seems pretty confused.

Just want to prepare myself to see when that window may be open, either for me to say something or for her.