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"If I told H about the OM, he would leave. Plain and simple"
OK, I missed this earlier post of yours until now. So, the answer to my question is that you are afraid to tell your husband because you are afraid he would leave.
Do you know what this means?
1. Your life will continue to be miserable because you are living a lie in your own mind and therefore your marriage.
2. Your husband is staying only because he does not yet know the truth (he will find out)
3. You have to be afraid of your husband possibly finding out. This will make you unhappy.
4. You are a living walking lie in your own mind and carries over to your marriage, and into every communication with your husband. I know I would feel it. Offering my husband a cup of coffee, I would be thinking about how I offered it to my OM. Sex with the husband, I would be thinking of how the sex was with the OM. It cannot help but make you unhappy.
5. This lie that you are hanging onto, will tend to destroy any possiblity of REAL trust between you and your husband, if you dont have honesty in your marriage what do you have? Nothing. Misery. WORSE.
6. You are crossing the moral line by withholding the truth from your husband. This will cause corruption in your heart more and more. Leading to misery for you.
7. I could list 100 more rammifications for you not telling your husband the truth.
Last edited by Stellakat; 08/06/08 04:19 PM.
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Emmy,
You keep pointing out in different ways your story's details are unique or special. That if we knew them we'd respond differently. They really aren't. I don't write this to hurt you. I write it because its true.
If you remember, before you ever became foggy, reading here for eight years shows us that every single story is the same, fundamentally. There is no specialness about adultery, regardless of who it is.
God Bless,
Jo
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Emmy,
You keep pointing out in different ways your story's details are unique or special. That if we knew them we'd respond differently. They really aren't. I don't write this to hurt you. I write it because its true.
If you remember, before you ever became foggy, reading here for eight years shows us that every single story is the same, fundamentally. There is no specialness about adultery, regardless of who it is.
God Bless,
Jo Absolutely. Completely correct.
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If I told H about the OM, he would leave. Plain and simple He should be told. If he chooses to leave, that is his choice. He has a right to know the truth about HIS life. To continue to withhold the truth from him is manipulative. There is no other way, Emmy. How can we help you tell him?
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Emmy, I posted on page 1 of this thread but it seems to have gotten a little lost in here. It echoes what Kiwi said: Emmy,
I am a FWW and I do know what you’re going through. Your relationship with the OM made you feel alive after years of loneliness, and it’s hard to break free of it now. I promise you that the only way to restore your marriage is to tell your H. Yes, you will risk losing him, but the two of you need to work on this together to rebuild your marriage. This will also force you to break contact with the OM.
When I told my H about the A, he told me immediately he wanted a divorce. He told me to remove my wedding ring and I didn’t have a right to wear it. I refused to take it off, and I went to my mother’s house with our daughter and we lived there for about four days. I called him every day, several times a day, but he never picked up the phone. I told him over and over again that I loved him and wanted to come home.
God works in very mysterious ways. My mother collapsed in the middle of the night while I was at her house. She has never done that. I had her taken to the hospital and I called my H the next morning to tell him what happened. He didn’t answer the phone, but he called me back later that morning to talk about it. As we talked, he softened and he confessed that he missed me. Eventually, he asked me to come home.
It has been a rollercoaster ride, but now we are both committed to recovery and meeting each other’s ENs. This would not have happened if I didn’t tell him about the A. My H was a lot like yours, and this was our wake-up call.
By the way, my mom is totally fine now. She was out of the hospital in less than two days.
Have you called the Harleys?
Mrs. Z
Me, FWW, 2 1/2 year EA then PA
BH D-Day March 15, 2008
DD 6
Thankful to my incredible husband for his true love and gift of reconciliation
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Emmy, are you lying to us? You posted this on your first thread......
"I can't remember the last time we took the EN questionnaires, but it was after a horrible year where I had an affair, but somehow we found this website and came back better and stronger than ever. I'm starting to see that some of the things I felt then I am feeling again, and I don't know what to do."
You said "we found this website".
You mean you came here WITH you husband and PRETENDED to use MB principles all the while lying to him and continuing your affair?!?!?!
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Emmy, If you do not like what a poster is saying, you can simply put them on ignore. But then, you must already know about that since you are a veteran to the site. Hey guys, while you have been posting on this thread, I have made a batch of Cucumber Onion Mustard Pickles  I do not normally make pickles out of cucumbers. I like other vegetables better. Others like carrots, green beans, cauliflower, brussel sprouts have so much more CHARACTER than CUKES. But hubby planted cukes in the garden and they are out of control, so I made these pickles. I have been up to my elbows in BRINE but I think it was a pretty good way to spend the last couple hours. At least better than some ways of spending my time 
Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977
N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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Emmy wrote: However, I have always believed that telling the BS is usually for the WS to get it off their chest, and does no good for the BS. and … I know the MB concepts inside and out You obviously don’t know the MB concepts, Emmy. Telling the BS isn’t for the WS to “get it off their chest”. It’s so the BS can make informed decisions about their marriage and life with the TRUTH. Withholding the TRUTH Emmy, is a barrier that will always prevent you and your husband from reaching any kind of intimacy. IOWs, BIG FAT lies of omission matter. And this is a DOOZEY. Jo
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Iam,
I see that was written in August of 07, almost exactly one year ago.
Emmy,
Has your A been going on this whole time?
Me, FWW, 2 1/2 year EA then PA
BH D-Day March 15, 2008
DD 6
Thankful to my incredible husband for his true love and gift of reconciliation
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Emmy, are you lying to us? You posted this on your first thread......
"I can't remember the last time we took the EN questionnaires, but it was after a horrible year where I had an affair, but somehow we found this website and came back better and stronger than ever. I'm starting to see that some of the things I felt then I am feeling again, and I don't know what to do."
You said "we found this website".
You mean you came here WITH you husband and PRETENDED to use MB principles all the while lying to him and continuing your affair?!?!?! I was trying to pretend he was participatory in the process. And I believe we had passed 6 months of using the questionnaire. In fact, I believe that I posted that before the A began. I was trying to get help. Trying to come back to what I knew worked. Guys, I am not trying to say my A is different than anyone else's. I'm not saying I was justified. I'm not saying I'm NOT the perfect example of a WW. I'm not even saying I won't tell him. I'm just saying this is hard. My fault, yes, but hard just the same. What I wanted was folks in my shoes (or previously in my shoes) to tell me how THEY dealt with it. Tips on how to cut ties. Tips on what to do if he leaves. That type of thing. What I'm getting is beaten into the ground for seeing my mistake and trying to rectify it. That kind of help I do not need.
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As I said before I have been in your shoes. I was still a foggy, withdrawing mess when my H found out. The A had been over for 6 months when he found out. I thought my H would leave but he didn't. D-day was very, very tough. We were both complete messes. We made an immediate emergency appointment with an MC who, luckily, followed MB principles. The next year was spent talking and communicating and recovering.
I made conscious efforts to block out the OM from my mind. I left my job where he was a client (a coincidence - not A related) because he might show up one day. I kept NC.
Telling your H is NOT to relieve your guilt. It is to give him the chance to make decisions about his life. It is to let him know about something which affects his life even though he is unaware it is affecting his life right now. If he decides to leave, that's his preogative. You didn't consult with him about your A, you made that decision yourself. He's entitled to make decisions too.
I know you see the words of some people as abuse. Honestly, it isn't. They are harsh words, perhaps, but it's seeing your A through their eyes that can really help you. It can help you strengthen your resolve to do the right thing.
ETA you asked for tips how to cut ties. You just cut ties. No closure, no goodbyes, no social interaction. Then you go through withdrawal which is like grief. No way over it or under it, just through it.
Last edited by KiwiJ; 08/06/08 05:22 PM.
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Emmy, are you lying to us? You posted this on your first thread......
"I can't remember the last time we took the EN questionnaires, but it was after a horrible year where I had an affair, but somehow we found this website and came back better and stronger than ever. I'm starting to see that some of the things I felt then I am feeling again, and I don't know what to do."
You said "we found this website".
You mean you came here WITH you husband and PRETENDED to use MB principles all the while lying to him and continuing your affair?!?!?! I was trying to pretend he was participatory in the process. And I believe we had passed 6 months of using the questionnaire. In fact, I believe that I posted that before the A began. I was trying to get help. Trying to come back to what I knew worked. Guys, I am not trying to say my A is different than anyone else's. I'm not saying I was justified. I'm not saying I'm NOT the perfect example of a WW. I'm not even saying I won't tell him. I'm just saying this is hard. My fault, yes, but hard just the same. What I wanted was folks in my shoes (or previously in my shoes) to tell me how THEY dealt with it. Tips on how to cut ties. Tips on what to do if he leaves. That type of thing. What I'm getting is beaten into the ground for seeing my mistake and trying to rectify it. That kind of help I do not need. If you want sympathy for weepy, whining and pining for the OM you may find some here from certain waywards. However as a BS who sat in your husbands shoes you won't get it from me. I know what it's like to be manipulated and lied to. To lay on the closet floor crying at 2AM because you are being treated as a sub-human. You may find sympathy here, but not from me. Tell your husband the truth and for once, let him make his own decision!
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Emmy writes: However, I have always believed that telling the BS is usually for the WS to get it off their chest, and does no good for the BS. and ... I've been an avid MB believer for 8 years. and ... I know the MB concepts inside and out Emmy, After eight years of studying and following MB concepts inside and out, seems you missed this important information written by Dr. Harley, the author of Marriage Builders and it's concepts, regarding telling your betrayed husband about your adultery. Please read on: Source: Click Here
Should an affair be revealed? (by Dr. Harley)
I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.
From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.
But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.
After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.
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Please get yourself tested for STD's and STI's, some STIs like hepatitis are worse if you let them go undiagnosed. The fact that the man's wife sees other people too makes the probability of infection much greater.
Herpes is not unlikely and you don't want the affair exposed when your faithful husband notices something on himself. Do this even if you do not tell your husband, although I think you should tell him.
You do sound like a basically decient person by the way, otherwise you would not be here. The people on this site are very supportive and truthful in all my reading.
(Newjersey)
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Emmy, it is very tiring trying to end an affair and keeping the truth from leaking out to your husband. No wonder you are tired and unhappy.
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I'm coming up from the pickling pot long enough to second the motion of getting yourself tested for STDs. If you take nothing else from this discussion, take this: You are at horrible risk for STDs. So is your husband. Get yourself tested. Make the appointment tomorrow.
Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977
N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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I was not only safe, but have also been tested, and will do so again just to be sure.
I am familiar with Dr. Harley's concept of revealing the A. At this point I am just not sure I can do it.
Nothing anyone says here can possibly make me feel like worse of a human being than I already do. I can honestly say that going to sleep and not waking up feels like a viable option.
Thank you for those who responded from my shoes. To those from the other side of the coin, I am sorry for what happened to you. I am sorry that I am representative of that thoughtless act. I hope things work out for you.
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Emmy:
My BW was going to LEAVE ME. Going to KILL me if I had an affair.
Mine lasted 4.5 years.
It was discovered 3 years ago.
The honesty that resulted from D-day, and the things we learned here created an enviornment that allowed our marriage to grow stronger.
And yes, you feel trapped. But its a trap that you can escape from at any time.
LG
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I was not only safe, but have also been tested, and will do so again just to be sure.
I am familiar with Dr. Harley's concept of revealing the A. At this point I am just not sure I can do it.
Nothing anyone says here can possibly make me feel like worse of a human being than I already do. I can honestly say that going to sleep and not waking up feels like a viable option.
Thank you for those who responded from my shoes. To those from the other side of the coin, I am sorry for what happened to you. I am sorry that I am representative of that thoughtless act. I hope things work out for you. You know Emmy, Dr. Harley talks about the depression and pain the WS suffers. I know you feel it and I'm so very sorry you are suffering. Thing is, you must know you can't recover your marriage, TRULY recover your marriage, without telling your husband as the first step. And we can help you with that. But first you need to resolve to do it. Please pray on it. God Bless Jo
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I was not only safe, but have also been tested, and will do so again just to be sure.
I am familiar with Dr. Harley's concept of revealing the A. At this point I am just not sure I can do it.
Nothing anyone says here can possibly make me feel like worse of a human being than I already do. I can honestly say that going to sleep and not waking up feels like a viable option.
Thank you for those who responded from my shoes. To those from the other side of the coin, I am sorry for what happened to you. I am sorry that I am representative of that thoughtless act. I hope things work out for you. All idle talk and BS (not betrayed spouse) until you give your husband his dignity by giving him the truth. Stop your bullsh^t about us BS's letting our experiences affect our posts! We KNOW what your husband is going through. YOU PRETEND TO!!!
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