Fatty, how was the trip?

Be honest now. Did you break contact with the OW or did she contact you while you were on this trip by yourself?

Hi Fatty -

(It makes me feel mean to call you that. I'll have to pretend you're really slim so it's like the way people sometimes call really tall people 'tiny'. I hope you come up with a posting name that's doesn't sound as if you're putting yourself down LOL)

My WXH had several false recoveries because he failed to resist the temptation to allow contact with the OW.

So it's making me sort of nervous that your last post said you were going on a trip and you haven't posted again since...

Did you have contact with the OW?

"The first time I came back to my wife I did so for a bunch of wrong reasons. I was deeply depressed following the death of my father and I returned home for the comfort of familiar surroundings and familiar people. I was seeking comfort, not a looking to fix anything. Also the A was still bubbling away in the background."

My WXH did this too. Do NOT ever do this again! It is very cruel to the BS to basically use them to meet some of your emotional needs when you know you are not done with the adultery yet. Now it's going to take even more work on your part to convince your BW that you aren't doing the same thing again.

"This time I have completely seperated from the OW. There are many many reasons for leaving her and at least as many for not going back. There is only one reson for coming home - that is to fix my marriage/life/self (OK so maybe that is 3 reasons).
So why do I feel a little bit protected from the possibility of being hit by withdrawl, simple I have come to a point where I have a strong dislike for the OW. The A died. The A was over before I returned home, yes only just over but over all the same."

Rut-Roh...

It is an addiction. It doesn't really have that much to do with the OW specifically, I TOTALLY believe you that you've started to notice her flaws, that you two maybe were having arguments, that you're starting to see that she wasn't really better than your wife... BUT you are still very likely to have withdrawal symptoms because your body produced certain chemicals that gave you a high when you were committing the adultery.

Booze is not better than orange juice either but if you're addicted to booze you are going to have withdrawals when you stop drinking. Simply KNOWING that booze is bad, and acknowledging that it wasn't right for you, and deciding, or even FEELING, like you don't want it anymore, doesn't all by itself do the trick.

'They' say that it takes about 3 weeks to get through the worst of the withdrawals, then another 6 months to get through residual withdrawal. If you have any ocntact with the OW during withdrawal you will have to start all over again.

Don't make the same mistake my WXH did, getting back in contact with the OW and having to start all over again, over and over. He put himself (and us, BW and BC) through so much additional needless suffering. He would get a temporary fix from renewed contact with the OW, but it wouldn't last long, then he'd want to come home again, CONVINCED that THIS TIME he could handle it, was over the OW, then once the withdrawal symptoms kicked in again he'd go get another fix from the OW...

And I ASSURE YOU that my WXH and the OW's adultery had ended too.
They'd have a big fight, break up for good, they never wanted to see each other again, he even called her vile names... but then he'd need those chemicals again...

At times I practically begged him to read the info about the chemical addiction caused by adultery. I tried to warn him that if he made contact with her all that he'd aleady gone through for withdrawal would be wasted, that he'd just gone through torture for nothing and would have to do it all over again. They "broke up for good" dozens of times! (A few false recoveries - the rest I was in Plan B for to protect myself)
Eventually she was convinced he was a mad-man, hated him, told him if he ever tried to contact her again she'd have him arrested, and dumped him for an OM. He was heartbroken (still don't think he's over it - years later) AND GUESS WHAT? He STILL had to go through withdrawal, all those withdrawal symptoms, just as if he was doing it for hte first time.

BTW, by then his daughters had lost all respect for him, one has nothing has nothing to do with him, and the other two only see him a few times per year.

He was SO SURE he wasn't going to have withdrawal problems and/or that he could handle contact with the OW...

Be VERY careful.
Follow all the rules - no excuses.
PLAN for what you are going to do when you have withdrawal symptoms or when she tries to contact you.
Claiming you don't have to worry about it is NOT a plan!

Fatty, how are you doing?

Whether you have good news or bad news about your trip and NC, this is the place for you. The Marriage Builder principles will help you build a better life, and we will be glad to help facilitate that!

Heya Fatty...how's it going?

Everything going well down that way? I've not talked much with Lil lately, so I have no idea what's going on. I hope that things are well.

Hello everyone.

Hey I know I have not posted for a day or two but I had a few things on. My mother was visiting over the weekend and Sunday was my daughters birthday, so I spent my time with my family and left the internet alone.

My trip away was great! I never contacted the OW and she has not made contact with me.
I just went and did what I had to do and then came home.
I have thought about OW a few times, but I always refocus myself and just tell myself to keep looking forward and don't look back.


I am happy with the way things are going between Lil and I. Obviously we have a long long way to go.

Tomorrow night I am taking Lil out to a restaurant up a mountain that is almost in our back yard, we will be staying there the night, I hope the approaching storm brings a fall of snow. Lil was really happy when I told her we were going and even happier when she figured out where we are going.

Fatty

Snow?! LOL, we're breaking 100 here in Texas!

Anyway, what a great idea!

Sounds great, Fatty! Keep up the good work.

Cat,

I was thinking the same thing! My thermometer says 101 in Texas, and here's Fatty talking SNOW....

Yikes!






SB

Good for you fatty. Keep up the great work.

Hey, you don't need to feel mean! I am a part-time firefighter, that means I need to be fit. I run up stairs for fun and for fundraising. I have run up the stairs of the Sky Tower in Auckland four times and will be doing it again next year. I am also planning a trip to Seattle in March 2009 to run the stairs of the bank of america tower, all of this is done in full firefighting gear. So you can probably guess that I am not a fatty and I am am not trying to put myself down, so please just treat it as a nick-mame.
Fatty (166 pound)

Glad you are still keeping NC with the OW. I was worried about it. And it is nice that you and the Mrs. can get away, even if only for a short time.

"Hey, you don't need to feel mean! I am a part-time firefighter, that means I need to be fit. I run up stairs for fun and for fundraising. I have run up the stairs of the Sky Tower in Auckland four times and will be doing it again next year. I am also planning a trip to Seattle in March 2009 to run the stairs of the bank of america tower, all of this is done in full firefighting gear. So you can probably guess that I am not a fatty and I am am not trying to put myself down, so please just treat it as a nick-mame.
Fatty (166 pound)"

Thanx so much for posting that!
I feel much better LOL

Glad to hear you've been sticking to the no contact and have a romantic date planned with yor wife.

SNOW?!?!?

Aw man, send us some of that stuff.
(I'm a figure sk8er and have lived in Alaska twice. Summer's OK but I am seriously missing wintertime LOL. I keep catching myself humming Chirstmas carols, as sweat is dripping down my back LOL)

LilDoggie and I had a wonderful time the other night. We went up the mountain and had a nice meal and a few drinks. After feeding and watering we had a sauna and LilDoggie had a roll in the snow, I decided the decent thing to do was to watch (just in case someone came along)- actually I just thought it looked too freakin' cold. We figured we should use all of the facilities so we had a spa as well. The only thing wrong with the night out was that we had to get up at 6am to get home in time for milking the cows and getting our girl from the sitter and get her off to school.

I am heading away again this weekend (probably just sunday), just a bit of a test ride on a bike that I'm thinking about buying and will also be going to a memorial service at the hospice where Fred (my father) passed away ,that is the main reason for the journey, just thought I would do a couple of other things on the way, so will be looking at a motorbike for Lil and catching up with a good friend before he heads back to work in Azerbaijan for another 5 weeks.

We have sorted out a new cell phone number for me, and LilDoggie is getting my old phone and number, so if anyone forgets that i have a new number they can get it from her when they ring.

See ya
Fatty

FATTY IS DEAD, LONG LIVE FLICK Actually Fatty is not dead, I have just changed my name. Flick is one of my regular nick names - as in "Flick the little fire engine" an old kids story that was recorded for radio way way back in the 1950's.

Streaming audio of Flick story

LOL, Flick. I love it. I started singing as soon as I saw it.

Flick - My ex and I rode a Harley and lots of fun going places. Here there are all sorts of people that ride, constant rallies, poker runs, charity runs, runs to Laughlin, Sturgis, lunch, dinner, etc. Nothing like riding to enjoy the scenery and the smells, with the wind blowing in your face. Very fun and relaxing.

STURGIS???

OMG How big IS that rally? We just spent the past few days in that area househunting, a difficult thing to do since ALL the houses in the area rent out every bedroom and large closet to bikers! We left a couple days before the official start, and even after driving 6 hours we still couldn't find a vacant hotel room. We (H&me, two kids and two cats) slept in the car at a rest stop.

We're now in Canada. After driving 20+ hours, we still came across some bikers, driving the same direction as us *away* from the rally, wearing "Sturgis 2008" t-shirts.

Well, Stugis is one of the biggest - I think around 450,000 usually go. We went twice, and I understand how hard it must have been to find a place to stay.

My favorite is the Laughlin River Run, which is in Laughlin, Nevada on the Colorado River. The area is beautiful - kind of like Sturgis, but with a river too. I think around 50,000 usually show up for it. We went for 15 years, and it was lots of fun. The only thing that griped me was the cost. You have to get 3 nights in a hotel at about $900.00. The following Monday, you can get a room in the same hotel for $15.00.

Okay, Flick, I've been talking to your wife.

Yes, it's SO easy to do all the right things. It's like being on auto pilot. But to REALLY mean them and to REALLY understand what you've done, you've got a lot more soul searching to do.

Your wife says you tell her "you've learned your lesson". Big whoopsies. I don't think you're even halfway there yet to being the husband you should be.

Have you ANY idea what she's been through? Do you really think it'll all go away just because you want it to?

Do you understand that she needs to process it, to go over it, to deal with it until SHE decides she's ready. You are a very lucky man. I like Lil a lot - she's a great girl and someone I'd be proud to call friend. I don't even think you know how lucky you are. She's forgiven you and how do you repay her? The typical kiwi smart remarks and using humour to deflect serious issues.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

It really is a pitty that my wife did not see fit to share it with me herself!

Kind regards